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It didn’t matter if you lived in the good part of town or the bad part, one thing remained the same: everyone needed coffee.
Jensen Ackles was grateful for that fact, since it was key to his current employment. Sure, he never would’ve gotten a job at the coffee shop in the fancy outdoor shopping mall on the more expensive side of town. They would have taken one look at his tattoos, seen the felony box checked YES on his application, and sent him out the door. But that wasn’t the only coffee shop in the city.
Finding Brewed Ego had been a godsend. Jensen had been shopping at the thrift store, trying to find cheap appliances for the one bedroom micro-apartment he’d finally managed to rent, when he saw an ad seeking an experienced barista on the bulletin board behind the registers. Jeff, the owner of the quirky, no-fuss coffeehouse, took a chance on an ex-con when no one else would give Jensen a shot.
In return for the opportunity, Jensen worked his ass off. He took every available shift so he could get back on his feet. Though he hadn’t worked in years (two and a half, actually, knocked down from four for good behavior and overcrowding), the basics came back quickly. Within a year, Jeff was letting him manage the late shift, and Jensen finally felt like he was exactly where he was supposed to be.
The late shift at Brewed Ego was nothing like your typical Starbucks. In this neighborhood, people didn’t exactly work regular 9-to-5 jobs. Many worked graveyard shifts or janitorial jobs, some were working their way through school and needed the caffeine after dinner, while others kept off the radar entirely. Jensen preferred it this way. Here, no one stared at his sleeve of tattoos or took offense when he swore bloody murder at the machines.
Take tonight, for example.
“Fucking piece of shit!”
Jensen was in the middle of a tirade against a piece of mutinous equipment when he heard a light laugh from the other side of the counter. It was followed by, “Don’t listen to him, baby, I’m sure you’re doing your best.”
“Maybe you should get back here and see if you can sweet talk my steamer into working,” Jensen muttered, half to himself.
“Wish I could, but I just stopped by to freshen up.”
When Jensen stood up straight, he found a familiar pair of hazel eyes staring back at him. Jared. Like the majority of customers who came in this late at night, Jared Padalecki lived on the fringes of what was considered normal society. Tonight, he was wearing a tight, thinly woven, black sweater over jeans that were full of more holes than was fashionable, even these days.
“On the clock already?”
Jared sighed. His smile was tired yet genuine. “About to be. Are you closing tonight?”
“Yeah. I’ll probably have to take this dumb fucking thing apart,” Jensen said, nodding at the misbehaving steamer, “so I’ll be around for a while.”
“Maybe I’ll see you later then.”
Jensen smiled back. “I’ll keep the light on.”
&&&&&&&
At first, Jensen thought Jared was just another down-on-his-luck guy juggling crappy jobs and college courses. He never ordered more than a small black coffee, which he’d savor gratefully at a corner table while he read a textbook or worked on his phone. There was no rhyme or reason to his visits, but he seemed more subdued than the other part-time students who came in for their caffeine fixes. Sometimes, Jared wouldn’t want anything at all. He’d use the bathroom, thank Jensen quietly, and head back out to catch the bus.
Jensen wasn’t oblivious. He’d lived a rough life and he knew what kinds of things happened at night in this part of town. The kind of shit cops didn’t bother caring about unless it affected people in the higher tax brackets. There was a reason rents were cheaper over here, and Jensen could take care of himself. He didn’t put two and two together with Jared until a few months ago when he came in much later than he ever had before. Instead of coming up to the counter or turning towards the bathroom, Jared walked slowly to one of the old, overstuffed armchairs Jeff thought gave the place some ‘ambiance’ and sat down heavily.
It wasn’t hard to pick up on the signs of rough sex. Jared moved carefully, sleeves pulled down to cover his hands as if he was trying to hide as much skin as possible in the aftermath. Not necessarily in shame but in an attempt to comfort himself. And that’s when Jensen realized that Jared was supporting himself by hooking, a popular job choice in this part of town.
“You alright, Jared?” They’d had a few conversations by then—Jared liked to hear about his tattoos, and Jensen tried to follow along when Jared told him about the programming languages he was learning—so it didn’t feel like he was overstepping.
“Rough night,” Jared had said. He blinked slowly and attempted a smile. “Is it alright if I just sit here for a bit?”
“Whatever you need.” That late, only Jensen and Mike were working, and Mike was in the back, prepping for the following morning. All Jensen had to do was serve the latecomers and make sure no one tried to start shit or rob the place. “Want anything?”
“I—no, I can’t.” The tone of Jared’s voice didn’t match the expression on his face. Before he could think twice about what he was doing, Jensen was setting a large cup of coffee on the table beside the chair.
“Looks like you could use this,” Jensen explained with a shrug.
Jared shook his head, though he looked longingly at the steam rising from the drink. “I don’t have any spare cash on me, I—”
“Don’t worry about it. I used the wrong blend for the last guy who came in. This way, it won’t go to waste.”
Jared stared at him like he was trying to work out how much of what Jensen said was bullshit. It all was, of course, but Jared didn’t need to know. It was in Jeff’s best interests that the Brewed Ego staff was awake and alert, and that meant plenty of free coffee throughout their shifts.
“Just so it won’t be wasted,” Jared said before he took his first sip.
Since then, it had become Jensen’s personal mission to make sure Jared was at least caffeinated when he came in late at night. Jared would try to refuse and Jensen would insist that he’d made a mistake on an order. Whatever it took for Jared to accept the free drink. Besides, in Jensen’s mind, he was getting the better end of the deal. During the time it took for Jared to finish that night’s drink, he and Jensen would talk in between the few customers who came around for double espressos (if they were heading to work a graveyard shift) or decaf and whatever ready-to-heat sandwiches remained in the display case. Jared liked to hear all the coffeehouse gossip he’d missed and Jensen learned more about Jared’s aspirations of working for a tech firm once he graduated.
“I want to create something that makes the world a better place. Something that helps the environment, maybe, or programs that enable small businesses to make a difference in their communities.”
Jensen listened and absorbed every detail, crushing a little bit harder with every visit. There was no question that Jared was attractive. He had that inner joy and kindness that was matched by his killer smile (complete with dimples) and lean body. And Jensen didn’t mind having a crush—it was actually a relief to discover that he could still feel that way after the last few years, along with the criminal justice system, did their best to stomp any personality out of him—but he knew better than to try and do anything about it.
Despite some of Jared’s clients getting rough and the terrible hours he kept on top of his classes, he didn’t seem to mind the hustle. Once, he admitted to Jensen that he enjoyed the sex, even with strangers, and Jensen couldn’t interfere with that just because he was uncomfortable with the idea of anything physical.
The less Jensen thought about it, the better.
When late summer finally gave way to colder, fall nights, Jared seemed to be struggling more. He went a week without any clients, and money was suddenly tighter than usual. Jensen snuck him a pastry or an egg sandwich here and there, ones he told Jared probably wouldn’t be any good the next morning, to keep him fed.
“Take another one for the bus ride home, if you want,” he told Jared as he was about to head out one night. The temperatures had been dropping steadily from week to week.
“Only if you’re sure,” Jared said, accepting the paper-wrapped sausage biscuit.
“Definitely. Mike’s already made a new batch for the morning crew.”
“Thanks, Jen, you’re a lifesaver.”
Jensen watched him head towards the bus stop at the end of the block. Jared’s appreciation left him warm and fuzzy; he knew what it meant to have someone offer a lifeline when no one else seemed to care, and he was glad he could do something, however small, for Jared. If that was all it could ever be, it would be enough.
“You should just ask him out.”
The sudden sound of another voice startled him. Jensen spun around and saw Mike watching him from behind the counter.
“It’s not like that,” Jensen muttered, turning back to lock the door and shut off the front lights.
“Obviously, it is,” Mike said, “or you wouldn’t be frowning at me like that.”
“We’re friends,” Jensen insisted, both to Mike and to himself. “He’s got enough on his plate without worrying about whatever I might or might not be feeling, so don’t say anything, okay?”
Mike rolled his eyes. “I think you’re crazy, but whatever. You know he likes you, too, right?”
Jensen didn’t bother responding. If it wasn’t true, he didn’t want to waste time thinking about it, and if it was...well, it was too complicated to entertain. A sex worker dating an ex-con who hadn’t touched anyone in that way since his release? An outgoing guy who enjoyed sex dating someone who’d lost his stomach for it? Even saying it in his head, it sounded absurd.
Aside from jacking off every once in a while to keep himself sane, Jensen kept his distance from anything involving sex. While he was incarcerated, he’d seen sex warped into something ugly too many times to feel a strong desire for it when he got out. Jensen had made it through relatively unscathed, physically at least. But the few hook-ups he’d attempted since his release had sent him into horrible flashback states, which left him too rattled to continue. His partners, men whose names he wouldn’t remember the next day, hadn’t been keen on sticking around after Jensen tried to explain. After a couple of months of failed encounters, he’d stopped trying altogether.
Instead, Jensen kept his head down and focused on his job. He needed the money, and crafting a routine helped with the stress. It wasn’t until Jensen met Jared, with almost eighteen months of freedom under his belt at that point, that the idea of sex started to plague him again.
Instead of making him nervous, thinking about Jared felt good. But that’s where it ended. It was when it was limited to Jensen’s imagination, and it kept him from going crazy when he needed to get off, but reality was a different story. As much as Jensen liked Jared, it wasn’t worth getting involved just to end up hurt if Jared didn’t want what little Jensen had to offer.
&&&&&&&
The rest of Jensen’s shift that night was uneventful. Mike had taken off twenty minutes ago to catch a band he liked that was playing at one of the after-hours clubs, leaving Jensen to close up on his own. With his prepwork done, he was about to start in on the misbehaving steamer when the door opened with its usual jingle.
“I’m not too late, am I?”
Behind the counter, Jensen smiled. He finished removing one of the metal panels and stood up to see Jared. “Nope, you can keep me company while I—shit, Jared...are you okay?”
“Yeah, yeah I’m okay.”
He said it, but that didn’t mean Jensen believed it. Jared stood slightly hunched on the other side of the counter, and the fluorescent lights weren’t doing any favors for his face. He had a scrape on one cheek and a dark contusion on the other that would leave a nasty bruise.
“Please don’t freak out,” Jared told him in a scratchy voice, “it’s seriously not as bad as it looks.”
The longer he stared at Jared’s pleading expression, the more Jensen considered the kind of violence that got him locked up in the first place. He needed to distract himself, fast. “Go sit down before you fall over, then.”
Jensen took a deep breath, then another, before he busied his hands with making a cup of herbal tea. Given the way Jared had been shaking, caffeine was probably a terrible idea.
“This will warm you up a little bit,” he said when he walked over and handed the cup to Jared. “I added some honey, you know, for your throat.”
Jared’s lips quivered slightly, almost too quick to miss, before he was back to smiling. “You’re the best, Jen. Thanks.”
Surprised at his own patience, Jensen waited quietly until Jared had taken several careful sips. Mentally, however, Jensen’s walls were crumbling. Dozens of horrible images flashed through his mind: pictures he’d never be able to get rid of, no matter how much time he put between himself and prison. When he could talk, he had to push the words through his teeth.
“If someone forced you—”
“Whoa, Jen, hold on.” Jared set the tea aside and stood. “No one forced me tonight. I know I probably look like hell, but that’s just part of the job sometimes.”
“You could’ve said no.”
“I know that.” The tea and honey helped Jared’s voice, though he spoke quietly. “I can say no, Jen, and I have, more than once. Before and during. I promise, I’m okay.”
Though still reeling from the sudden flashback, Jensen nodded and stepped away. “Mind if I lock up? You can finish your tea while I work.”
To Jensen’s surprise, Jared came over to the counter to watch him dismantle and clean the equipment. He was quiet for a bit, eating the banana nut muffin Jensen gave him. Eventually, he spoke up again.
“Most of my clients are married. Did you know that? They think they’re doing me a favor, helping the poor student get through college. It makes them feel better about paying for it.”
“And tonight?” Jensen wasn’t sure he wanted to know. He figured stewing in ignorance would be worse.
Jared shrugged, handing Jensen a rag before he could ask for it. “Every now and then, someone wants to get rough with me, but I can take it,” he added, “and they pay a lot more. It’s never my first choice, but it’s been a slow month and I needed the money. Between rent, textbooks, and course fees, I couldn’t turn it down.”
Jensen chose not to comment on that, though the urge to offer something sat on the tip of his tongue. He was almost done with the steamer, but he was reluctant to leave Jared despite repeated assurances that he was totally fine.
“You have bad shifts, too, I’m sure,” Jared pointed out. “Shitty customers, machines acting up and making you stay late.” He was grinning when Jensen looked over. “Things go wrong. It’s the same with what I do. Some days it’s easy money, and some days it’s not. It’s still better than any job I could get without my degree. It’s not forever…”
Jensen couldn’t put his finger on why, but it seemed like Jared meant that last part for him personally.
Later, as Jensen laid awake in bed trying to wind down after his shift, he couldn’t stop thinking about Jared. After closing the coffeehouse, he’d waited with Jared at the bus stop, compelled to stay until the bus pulled away before turning to walk back to his small apartment.
His crush was spiraling out of control. Now he was having fantasies of being with Jared. They weren’t sexual, though they did bring Jensen pleasant dreams. He found himself imagining a home, something that was theirs, along with all the normal things Jensen never had before. Safety, stability, affection. But someone like Jared deserved more than his simple, domestic vision.
A sudden bout of coughing caught Jensen off-guard. The damn weather and cold nights were starting to get to him. He drank some water and told himself it was nothing some extra sleep couldn’t fix.
&&&&&&&
The knocking woke Jensen up and forced him off the couch. Finding Jared at his door was the last thing he expected.
“What are you doing here?”
Jared laughed. He looked better than he had the last time Jensen saw him nearly a week ago. The scrapes had healed nicely and the bruise on his cheek was reduced to a faint yellow. For once, he was dressed in a way the weather demanded. Boots, jeans, a thick sweater, and a wool scarf around his neck. He looked warm, and Jensen wanted to curl up with him soak it in.
“You haven’t been at the coffeeshop the last few times I’ve gone in, and I wanted to make sure you were alright. Nice to see you, too, by the way.”
“Sorry.” Jensen shook his head. “My brain’s scrambled from this cold. It’s much better today. I’m actually heading back to work tomorrow afternoon.”
The day after walking Jared to the bus stop, Jensen had to ask Mike close for him since he could barely move. Jeff had insisted he stay home and get some rest, even offering to cover a couple of Jensen’s shifts himself. That was followed by three days of coughing, sneezing, and sniffling. But Jensen had improved quickly—today, he felt almost human again.
“How’d you know where I lived?” he asked, waving Jared through the door and trying not to wince at the state of his place.
“Mike told me. I guess he was getting tired of me asking about you when I came in.”
“You asked about me?” Jensen hastily made space for both of them on the couch, stunned by how nice it felt to have Jared in his place, despite the circumstances.
“Yeah, like I said, I was worried when you weren’t there.” Jared unwound his scarf and looked around the basic apartment. It was small, but anywhere Jensen could spread his arms and not touch concrete would have been good enough for him.
“Mike also told me to tell you that he made sure I had plenty of food and coffee while you were sick.”
That cleared Jensen’s head quickly. “He what?”
“He said you asked him to give me a free coffee if I came in, plus food if I looked like I needed it.”
Jensen looked away. “Jared…”
Jared crossed the imaginary boundary first and placed his hand on Jensen’s knee. “Come on, Jen, it didn’t take long to figure out what you were doing. You don’t make that many mistakes.”
“I didn’t want you to feel bad about taking them.”
“I know,” Jared admitted, “and I didn’t say anything because I liked how it felt to have you taking care of me. It’s been a while since anyone cared that much.”
“You’re easy to care about, Jared.” The confession came easier than he thought it would. Jared smiled back, and if Jensen were anyone else, he’d be leaning in to kiss the expression off Jared’s lips.
Jared might have been thinking along those same lines. His smile faltered, and before Jensen could jump in to explain, Jared said, “I know you like me. Everything you’ve done, all the nights you spent making sure I was okay. I thought you’d eventually ask me out, but you never have, and I started to wonder....” His hand left Jensen’s leg to twist with the other one on his lap. “Is it because of what I do?”
“Jared, that’s not—”
“I mean, before Mike told me you were sick, I thought you were avoiding me because of what happened the night I was hurt.”
Jensen shook his head, reaching out to cover Jared’s hands with one of his own. “That wasn’t it at all.”
“I can’t stop yet, but I told you it wasn’t gonna be forever. Just until I can get a decent job after graduation next year.”
“Jared—” Jensen wanted to stop him before he got too caught up in his explanation, “I don’t have a problem with the hooking, okay? I swear. Hell, you know about my past and how I ended up at the coffeehouse. I’m no saint, right?”
“You turned your life around, Jen. It’s amazing.”
“That doesn’t mean I’m not shit at other things.”
“Like what?” Jared asked.
Jensen’s laugh lacked humor. “Relationships, for starters. I like you, Jared, but I can’t…” He felt Jared turn their hands over and thread their fingers together. “Even though I want you, I’m not physically capable of that kind of relationship right now.”
He half expected Jared to stand up and walk away with some excuse to let Jensen down easy. No attractive man wanted to hear that the person they liked couldn’t get it up for them. Or have intimate moments ruined by a panic attack halfway through. The saddest part was Jensen wouldn’t blame Jared if he did.
But then again, he wouldn’t be the man Jensen admired so much if he did.
“What kind of relationship are you capable of?” Jared asked after a moment of vaguely uncomfortable silence.
“What do you mean?”
“You want me, but you don’t want a relationship based on sex, right?” When Jensen nodded, Jared encouraged him with a smile and asked, “So what do you want?”
Faced with Jared’s earnest expression, Jensen’s desires came rushing out in a tangle of words and feelings. He told Jared how he wanted home to be a place they could share, a place where they could be themselves and move beyond their pasts. How he wanted to listen to Jared talk about classes while Jensen attempted to cook, and how he thought about sharing the couch or the bed, wrapped up in each other and knowing there wouldn’t be any pressure, only comfort and affection, until they were both ready.
Life had done a number on both of them, Jensen said, and they deserved a relationship that made them feel good. It didn’t have to be complicated; it could be exactly what they needed.
“I won’t be like this forever,” he told Jared in a mirror of his words from earlier. “I’ll work through it. The more time I spend with you, the easier it gets.”
His speech was met with silence. For a moment, he wondered if it was too much. And then Jared was leaning closer and bumping shoulders with him.
“No one has ever said they wanted me like that.” Jared’s voice was soft and filled with wonder. “Just me, not my body and not just sex. It sounds kind of amazing, Jensen. Until you said all that, I never realized what I actually needed.”
“You’re okay with giving it a shot?” Jensen was equally amazed. This wasn’t supposed to work out for him.
“More than okay. But I do have one question.” Jared was tracing the tattoos on Jensen’s forearm. He had some spaces left to fill, and Jensen imagined they belonged to Jared now.
“What’s that?”
“You didn’t mention kissing. Is that something we can work up to, or—”
Jensen pulled him in and kissed him softly on the cheek. “Just wait until I’m totally over this cold, okay?”
A blush spread out from the point Jensen’s lips had touched. “I can live with that.”
“Good. Now what are your plans for the rest of the night?”
“I think I’m gonna be here, on your couch, watching a movie, if that’s alright with you?”
It was, Jensen told Jared with a firm squeeze of his hand. It really was.
-end-