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*****
Late in the night, the city’s asleep
Your love is a secret I’m hoping, dreaming, dying to keep
Change my priorities
The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury
—King of My Heart, Taylor Swift
*****
“Are you drunk?” Violet asks, incredulous. She loads the last plate into the dishwasher and closes the door harder than necessary before turning around to face him.
Evan scoffs, forcefully tossing the dish rag into the sink. He leans against the counter and folds his arms over his chest, eyes narrowing in confusion. “The hell kind of response is that to my question? I asked you to go with me to Sunday dinner and meet my mom, not move to Mexico and start a new life.”
Moving to Mexico and starting a new life right now doesn’t sound half bad to her, honestly. No more Chicago winters. Margaritas. Evan in swim trunks. Win, win, win. Stupid as it sounds, it seems better than the alternative he’s presenting. Sometimes, when her collar is suddenly too tight and she feels like panicking, she turns into a completely ridiculous person. Now is a prime example. Instead of behaving like a normal adult and discussing the issue at hand, as he so clearly would appreciate, she doubles down on the ridiculousness. “What part of Mexico? Would we have to change our names? Not to brag, but I can rock a bikini.”
There’s no hint of amusement on his face, and the frustrated sigh he emits jumbles her insides. “Violet, c’mon. Why are you doing this?”
Playing dumb isn’t cute. She’s never had much taste for it, and she doesn’t want to further insult him by attempting to now. “I don’t know,” she admits. That answer isn’t sufficient enough for him. His frown deepens, and it’s obvious he’s going to stubbornly wait out a better one. Which is fair. Something she isn’t right now. Recognizing your own shitty behavior is an uncomfortable but necessary first step. “I’m scared, okay?”
Evan’s stony expression softens, but he’s not letting her off the hook. “Scared of what? Dinner with my mom?”
“Yes—no, not the dinner itself, just…what it represents.” This is going to shit in a quick hurry. It won’t get any better if she can’t find the words to better articulate herself. Violet nervously wrings her fingers together.
“What it represents,” he repeats slowly. “We practically live together, Violet, but meeting my mom for a meal is a bridge too far?”
“Um…that’s absurd! We do not practically live together,” she argues.
Evan throws his hands up and scrubs them over his face. “Other than you being on shift, when was the last time we’ve spent the night apart in the last few months?”
That can’t be right. Violet tries to do the mental math on that, but her brain is whirring too fast, her stomach roiling. “That’s not…it’s just—”
“I swear to God the rest of that sentence better not be just sex or you and I have bigger problems than I thought.”
Violet blanches at the bitterness in his voice. Hates that she’s the cause of it. “No. Evan,no!” she insists. She takes a couple steps closer, but stops short of reaching for him. His body language screams loud and clear that he doesn’t want her touch right now. “That’s not at all what I think. It’s always been more than that for me. You have to know that.”
“Do I? Sometimes I think you’re in it for real, and others it seems like you’ve got one foot out the door. I’ve been patient, waiting and hoping for you to get on the same page as me. But we’re going in circles here. Jesus Christ, we’re five months into this thing, still sneaking around like day one. I’m sick of it. I want you, Violet. Not just here or there or casual. All of it. All of you. If that’s not what you want, then tell me now before my heart gets completely shredded.”
She takes a beat, letting the weight of his words fully sink in, dread crawling up her spine. At the same time her heart splinters in her chest over the hurt she caused him. All because she’s been so afraid of her own too big feelings and not sharing with the person who most deserved to have them.
Tears well up and over, streaming down her cheeks. “Evan—” she starts and her voice cracks. This moment right here is pivotal to their relationship. If she’s not careful, she’s going to lose him. That is, if she hasn’t already. She’ll do anything to keep that from happening. Violet hastily swipes the tears away and clears her throat to try again.
“Things between us have been so wonderful in this bubble we’ve created for ourselves. And I’m terrified of what happens once we go public and other people are part of this. Will things change drastically? What if disclosing our relationship to the CFD turns out to be a big nightmare and you decide I’m not worth it after all?”
His face falls, looking every bit as heartbroken as she feels. “Hey, no,” he says softly, reaching for her hand. “Baby, don’t think that.”
Violet holds up her hand. “Please let me finish. I owe you this.” He nods, and she presses on. “You’re the first real adult relationship that I’ve had. All of my past experience led me to expect certain behaviors, and when you didn’t do any of those things since, you know, you’re an actual man and not some pathetic man-child, I didn’t know what to do with it. I thought, wow, a man who means what he says and says what he means, this is new and surprising and great. But part of me just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop because that’s all I’ve known before you.”
She takes a breath and wipes away the tears that won’t stop falling. “You said you’ve been patient with me, and you’re right. My god, you have the patience of a saint.” She gives him a watery smile, and the quick twitch of his lips bolsters her to keep going. “I’m sure anyone else would have given up on my crazy ass long before now. But I don’t think I would have lasted that long with anyone else, because they wouldn’t have been you.”
She’s crying in earnest now, but she has to finish. “You’re my absolute favorite person in the world, and it doesn’t matter that I haven’t met 99% of them. You’d still be my favorite. Evan, you—you have the power to completely wreck me if this all goes south, and that scares me to death. I’ve never let anyone get close enough to even consider surrendering it. But one day these great big, all-encompassing feelings just moved in and I didn’t know what to do with them.”
They’re in each other’s space now, toe-to-toe. Close enough to feel the warmth radiating off his body. Violet gently fists the sides of his faded Cubs t-shirt at his ribs and tips her head back enough to meet his eyes. They’re soft and kind, and all traces of doubt and frustration have ebbed away. The corners of his mouth turn up slightly as though to encourage her across the finish line. Heart knocking against her ribs, she takes a deep breath and brings her hands up to cup his face. “I’m sorry that I’ve been stingy with my feelings. Doesn’t seem fair that I’ve kept them bottled up for so long, when I should have told you as soon as I knew. So, here goes. I love you, Evan Hawkins. I love you, and I’m all in.”
She’s pretty sure his answering kilowatt smile could power all of Chicago, and the residents would be lucky to bask in this good man’s light. Though she’d done her best to dim some of it earlier, giving him her truth brought it back. She smiles up at him, waiting for him to say something.
“My God—you are everything,” he murmurs, then drops his lips to hers. His arms wrap snugly around her waist, pressing her body fully against his. Evan pours his all into the kiss, lips full, and soft, insistent, kissing her until she feels it all the way to the tips of her toes. She’s dazed and breathless when they pull apart, their foreheads pressed together. “I love you, too, Violet Mikami,” he says, his breath tickling her lips.
Violet runs her fingers through his hair and smiles. “Really?” He wouldn’t lie to her, but she’s still a little raw and emotionally vulnerable. Hearing him validate it again would be nice.
Evan tilts his head back enough to look at her and flash a dimpled grin. “I love you. So goddamn much it scares me.”
“Well, that’s a relief. Dinner with your mom on Sunday would’ve been pretty awkward if we hadn’t worked this out.”
“You’re gonna go?” he asks, hopeful.
“Wouldn’t miss it.”
He pulls her into a tight hug. “Thank you. That makes me really happy.”
“There is one other thing I’d like to discuss with you before you cart me off to bed and have your way with me. Or I have my way with you. We’ll see how it plays out.”
His chest rumbles with laughter, and he unwinds his arms from around her body. “And what’s that, baby?”
“Mexico. Not for a whole new life, but a vacation! I have unused furlough. I mean, it might take a while to save, since the CFD pays me, like, what, $12 after taxes? Your chief pay is probably at least $20, though. I think I’d like to know how it feels to say I love you in the Mexican sunshine while in a bikini with a margarita in hand. What do you think?”
“That I fell in love with a ridiculous person.”
Violet shrugs, like hey, what can you do?
Evan bends down slightly and slings Violet over his shoulder, making her squeak in surprise. “Tell you what. We’ll do a weekend alone at my family’s lake house in Michigan. The water there looks like the ocean.”
“Excuse me?” she asks. “You have been hiding a lake house from me?”
“Yep. Invites are for people who go to Sunday dinner with my mom.”