Chapter Text
You can’t believe this dense bulgesucker. You can’t believe the sheer audacity of this under-schoolfed, empty-panned nooklicker.
You’d logged onto your favorite movie review website to write something for your most recent discovery “In Which An Undead Unfeasibly Becomes Colorbonded To A Teal-Blood Who Is Already In An Alternate, Non-Existent Empire-Approved Matespritship Only To Somehow Recover From His Undead Status Through An Untrue Power Of The Quadrants And Then Frees The Rest Of The Undead Using The Same Power And Both The Trolls And The Undead Fight The Shadow Walkers With The New Bonds They’ve Formed, etc.” only to find that some “reviewer” beat you to it. You’d taken the time to respond to the intruder, correcting the easily avoidable mistakes in their review like the magnanimous troll you are. And then, not ten minutes later, he replied.
twinArmageddons posted: what the fuck are you even talking about, the giirl and the undead were perfectly black for each other there wa2 no fuckiing rea2on why they 2houldve colorbonded warm
You, of course, responded in turn.
carcinoGeneticist posted: DID YOU ACTUALLY WATCH THE MOVIE, OR ARE YOU JUST WRITING A REVIEW ON THE TITLE? SHE’S BEEN FORCED INTO A MATESPRITSHIP BY HER LUSUS AND HE’S -IN CASE YOU MISSED THAT LINE- AN UNDEAD WITH A SENTIENT MIND. THE FUCKING QUESTION WASN’T WHETHER OR NOT THEY’D FALL INTO PITY EACH OTHER. THE QUESTION WAS FUCKING WHEN. AND IT’S NOT LIKE SHE ALREADY HAD A REAL RED PARTNER. HER FAKESPRIT HAD BEEN WITH HER FOR SWEEPS. IF THEY WERE GOING TO COLORBOND, IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED AGES AGO.
You don’t think you have to mention that the establishment of a colorbond is the most romantic scene of any romcom, but apparently asshat doesn’t know when to quit.
twinArmageddons posted: iif you knew ANYTHIING about the quadrant2, youd know the que2tiion wa2 actually when theyd raii2e intwo hate only two fiind that 2ome a22hole who wouldnt know good diirectiion iif iit led 2traiight up theiir a22 wa2 liike “nah let2 ju2t let theiir warm 2hade2 2et iin, that2 a good iidea”
twinArmageddons posted: why am ii even tryiing two tell you thii2 2hiit when one look at your reviiew hii2tory ha2 proved two me that 2peakiing 2ome 2emblance of 2en2e intwo you ii2 a lo2t cau2e, ii mean fuck “iin which a de2perate ru2tblood meet2 a pan-addled brown-blood that 2hould have been culled for the good of the empiire due two her thiinkpan defiiciiency whiich make2 her forget even the mo2t iimportant recent event2 who, after the very fiir2t date, giive2 hiim color. the ru2t blood de2piite all rea2onable cour2e2 of action, contiinue2 attemptiing two court her wiith “fiir2t” flu2hed date2 2he can’t remember, etc.” wa2 not a four 2tar moviie, next tiime you try two correct 2omeone make 2ure you know what the fuck youre talkiing about fiir2t
You blink at the screen a few times, rage growing with every second that passes. Oh, hell, no.
You’ll admit, this guy doesn’t necessarily need to have the pan cells required to appreciate masterpieces like the mentioned Troll Adam Sandler movie, there’s a reason it only got four stars after all. But if this asshole thinks he can just call your opinion dis-fucking-qualified because of his own pan shortcomings...
You open his review history in another tab. It is ON now, motherfucker.
carcinoGeneticist posted: YOU’RE ONE TO TALK ABOUT NOT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT GOOD CINEMA. THE ONLY GENRE ON YOUR ROSTER OF “MOVIES” IS SHITTY, OBVIOUSLY GREEN-SCREENED SCI-FIS. WAS IT NOT OBVIOUS ENOUGH THAT A MOVIE MENTIONING COLORBONDING IN THE FIRST TITLE SENTENCE MIGHT HAVE A BIT MORE ROMANTIC SUBSTANCE THAN FUTURISTIC SHOOT-EM-UPS OR DOES THE CONCEPT FLY SO HIGH OVER YOUR HEAD YOU BROKE YOUR NECK TRYING TO WATCH THE PRETTY COLORS.
carcinoGeneticist posted: OH WAIT, WITH YOUR LEVEL OF ROMANTIC INEPTITUDE, YOUR VISION IS PROBABLY AS GRAY AS THE METAPHORICAL MIDDLE FINGERS I’VE BEEN SENDING YOUR GIBBERISH, AND BY EXTENSION YOU, THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION.
twinArmageddons posted: woah 2iince when the fuck ii2 the 2tate of my color-range any concern of your2
Bingo.
All grubs naturally exit the breeding caves with grayscale eyesight. Since Alternia’s social structure is based on blood color, one of the first things taught in schoolfeeding is how to tell castes apart by the characteristics of their signs, horns, and teeth, and it’s mandatory for every troll to own a copy of “Her Imperial Condescension’s Book of the Hemospectrum and its Castes” in case they ever forget.
(You've learned not to correct when they think you’re a lighter green blood. Sometimes, you can even trick yourself.)
Colorbonds, therefore, have become a symbol of troll serendipity. Basically, when two fated trolls touch, hormones on their skin set off chemical receptors in the eyes, allowing a certain section of the color-range to become visible based on the destined quadrant. Matesprits give each other warmer hues of color; Kismesisses get cooler tints, and the conciliatory quadrants give a larger palette of available colors, adding hints for those without concupiscent bonds.
And that’s just the physical change. Many colorbonded trolls liken the experience of realizing a color change as one of the most memorable experiences in their lives: physical proof of the strongest emotional connection two or three trolls can share.
At least, that’s what your romcoms tell you.
You should have known this fucker wouldn’t even have one bonded quadrant. Time to rub it in.
carcinoGeneticist posted: I BET YOU HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN ON A DATE BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE. DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE NAMES OF THE QUADRANTS YET? HAS YOUR LUSUS TAUGHT YOU THE WINGBEASTS AND THE BEES? CAUSE I’D RATHER SHOVE ALL YOUR SHITTY MOVIES INTO MY LOOKSTUBS AND AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS UNTIL THEY BOTH BLEED FROM SHITTY GREEN-SCREEN “SPECIAL” EFFECTS AND FORCED, CLICHÉ DIALOGUE RESPECTIVELY BEFORE I HAVE TO BE THE POOR ASSHOLE WHO HAS TO EXPLAIN TO SOME WIGGLER THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE CONCILIATORY AND CONCUPISCENT QUADRANTS.
twinArmageddons posted: okay fiir2t of all fuck you and 2econd of all FUCK you, ii don’t have two explain two 2ome a22hole on the iinternet wiith anger-management ii22ue2 my romantic experiience ju2t two prove a point
twinArmageddons posted: you know, thii2 ii2 a LOT of romcom2 for 2omeone wiith a 2atii2fyiing love liife, overcompen2atiing are we?
You freeze. Every response on the tips of your fingers dying.
You try not to think about it. There’s nothing you can do with that situation anyway. It’s nothing he needs to know. Besides you can’t let grub fuckers who don’t know what the hell they’re talking about get to you.
But so what if you were overcompensating a little? You dare any asshole to blame you for that. Stupid mutant sight.
When you don’t formulate a response fast enough, the text continues.
twinArmageddons posted: yeah that2 what ii thought, fucking 2peechle22
twinArmageddons posted: ii fiigured you were one of tho2e hypocriite2 on the iinternet who talk2 a biigger game than they can back up. ii2 that what the cap2 are for?
carcinoGeneticist posted: SPEECHLESS? YOU WISH, FUCKASS. I WAS LAUGHING TOO HARD AT THE SHEER STUPIDITY OF YOUR ARGUMENT TO TYPE. SERIOUSLY, DID YOUR LUSUS DROP YOU ON YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU WERE A GRUB OR ARE YOU JUST THAT STUPID?
twinArmageddons posted: iif anyone here ii2 2tupiid, iit2 you for thiinkiing that thii2 moviie ii2 worth all thii2 iimmature hoofbea2t 2hiit
You’d actually forgotten you were on a movie review site.
You feel typing that out is a bad idea.
carcinoGeneticist posted: YOU’RE JUST BACKING OUT BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU LOST AND DON’T HAVE ANY DIGNITY TO LOSE WITH, YOU PAN-DAMAGED FUCKASS.
There’s a longer pause than usual, and since you’re in a good mood, you feel you deserve a little gloating.
carcinoGeneticist posted: YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT, BULGESUCKER. CAN’T DEFEND WHAT ISN’T THERE RIGHT?
carcinoGeneticist posted: AND JUST IN CASE THAT FLEW OVER YOUR THINKPAN, I’M SAYING YOU HAVE NO DIGNITY AND THAT’S WHY YOU CAN’T DEFEND IT.
…
He’s not responding. Did he disconnect? Coward.
carcinoGeneticist posted: WHAT THE FUCK, ASSHOLE? CLUCKBEAST OUT OF THE ONLY REAL ARGUMENT YOU’VE PROBABLY EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE? LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ALL YOU CURIOUS MOVIE-GOERS READING THIS REVIEW STRING. THIS MOVIE IS ACTUALLY A MASTERPIECE AND ANYONE WHO TALKS SHIT ABOUT IT IS ONLY DOING SO BECAUSE THEIR HEADS ARE TOO FAR UP THEIR ASSES TO BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.
A sickeningly upbeat pop-up comes up as soon as you hit enter. “You have had an influx of posts over the last hour! Your posting privileges have been suspended for; 1 DAY. Maybe watch some movies in the meantime! Here’s some recommendations!” It goes on to list propaganda films.
It takes you longer than you’d ever acknowledge to realize that he might have been spam banned too. After a quick count, you realize that’s exactly what happened. Whatever, you obviously won anyway.
You quickly log out of the banned account and switch to an alternate account you made for just this purpose (there are a lot of idiots on this site. You have a personal quota of reviews to reach, and your need to inform people of their stupidity isn’t going to get in the way of that). You open the page for the next movie you’re set to review -cute but the feelings jams felt forced and one scene introduced a budding blackrom subplot that was never fully explored, leaving the movie feeling unfinished- and begin typing at a button breaking pace.
A few lines into it, you get a message in your inbox. You haven’t posted anything yet, so it can’t be a reply, and the last time you responded to anyone on this account was over a perigee ago. Confused, you open the message.
twinArmageddons sent: 2urprii2e motherfucker, get a better fiirewall youre practiically advertii2iing your iip addre22
You blink. It’s not. There’s no way. You check the last movie just to be sure.
twinArmageddons posted: diid you really ju2t addre22 the general reader2hiip of a web2iite? ii cant tell whether two laugh at how 2tupiid that ii2 or criinge iin 2econdhand embarra22ment.
chemicalGenerator posted: OH LOOK WHO THE FUCK CAME CRAWLING BACK.
The ensuing argument burns through two more accounts.
You trade trollian handles on account 5,
(WHAT, DID THEY RUN OUT OF HANDLES THAT DIDN’T IMMEDIATELY REPULSE PEOPLE TO THE POINT OF NEVER WANTING TO CONTACT YOU AGAIN?)
(you tell me)
and continue the argument there.