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Chip hauled himself up the creaking wooden ladder, his hands clenching the rungs tight enough to cause his fingers to ache. He swayed with the wind that blew through the sails and ropes, his hair falling into his face.
He wheezed with the effort, his chest and entire body aching with a pain that he was all too familiar with.
Chip’s arms were shaking as he finally pulled himself up into the crow's nest, collapsing on his back and panting. He stared up at the sky with squinted eyes and sat there breathing for a second.
Every breath he took brought agony flaring up his chest and he knew he needed to do something about that. But for the moment he just laid there with his legs scrunched up and his head pressed against the side of the wooden bowl.
There were few clouds in the sky so the sun beat down against Chip’s face, sweat beading across his forehead.
He winced and pushed himself to a sitting position, his hands scraping against the floor. He yanked his shirt off, his shoulders protesting the movement and getting his head stuck.
After a few seconds of struggling he managed to get out of his shirt. Then he wriggled out of his binder, pulling the worn-out thing over his head and dropping it to the floor of the crow's nest with his shirt.
He collapsed onto his back, taking deep breaths that his old binder prevented him from taking. His ribs were sore and his heart thrummed in his chest with the anxiety of getting caught.
It was the middle of the day and Gillion and Jay were still on the top deck if either of them decided to check on him…
Wasn’t like he was stealthy climbing up here either.
“I’m gonna go up there . ” Chip pointed to the crow's nest, without waiting for either of them to acknowledge or respond.
Chip draped an arm over his chest, digging his fingers into his ribs as he massaged the sore area. He blew air out of his mouth and winced at a particularly sore spot.
Chip didn’t know how long he lay there rubbing his chest and staring up at the sky. But when he deemed that a good enough break (at least his chest wasn’t killing him anymore) he sat up slowly.
The movement wanted to make him cry and he closed his eyes as he felt around for the binder that Arlin had given him years ago. It somehow was still in one piece after everything he’s gone through.
Chip pulled it over his head, wriggling his shoulders and pulling it down as the weight immediately settled over his chest and caused him to wheeze.
Gripping the edge of the crow's nest, Chip pushed himself up to his feet, deciding that he might as well keep a lookout for a bit. At least so Jay wouldn’t get suspicious of why he was up there for so long laying down.
Chip glanced at the deck, Jay was at the helm shouting down to Gillion who was there training with Pretzel. He didn’t seem to be responding to Jay but from where Chip was all he could hear were incomprehensible Gillion shouts.
He leaned against the side and stared out at the horizon, skimming over the water.
Chip must’ve sat up there for at least an hour with the sun beating against the top of his head as he numbly stared out at the ocean. Sweat was running down his back as the day seemed to be getting hotter, making him incredibly uncomfortable.
This high up though, the reprieve was the winds that blew firmly, blowing around his shirt and hair, causing him to spit hair out of his mouth on more than one occasion.
His gaze was so trained on the ocean, he didn’t even notice someone coming up the ladder until Jay poked her head up the entrance.
“Are you gonna mope up here all day?” She asked, leaning her elbows on the floor as she hung on to the ladder. Her hair whipped back and forth and she narrowed her eyes at Chip.
“What?” Chip shot back with a bit more bite than he intended.
“You’ve been up here pretty much all day, just wondering what you’re doing,” Jay said, “it’s almost lunchtime, you should come down to eat.”
Chip pressed his lips into a thin line, he looked away from Jay and crossed his arms around his torso, pretending like her staring at him didn’t feel like worms wriggling across his skin.
“Whatever, I’ll be down in a second,” he told her.
“Okay,” Jay began to descend, but stopped a few rungs down, “Earl is making sandwiches.”
“Okay.”
“See you in a bit.” Jay didn’t wait for Chip to respond as she sunk down the ladder, the wind whipping her back and forth as she climbed down. Chip watched her go for a few seconds before he turned back to the water.
Chip joined them in the kitchen after a while. Something unpleasant swirled in his gut that made his heart hammer against his chest. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, furrowing his eyebrows and clenching his jaw.
Jay was sitting at the counter, picking at the bread of her half-eaten sandwich and talking with Gillion who sat next to her swinging his legs at the counter. Old man Earl and Ollie were sitting at the small table in the kitchen as well.
Jay looked up as Chip walked in, she raised an eyebrow, “you get stuck on the ladder or something?” she nudged an untouched plate with a sandwich on it towards him.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” Chip responded, he plopped down on the empty stool, wincing as he jostled his already sore chest. He pulled the plate towards himself.
“Good afternoon, Chip!” Gillion said, he leaned back on the stool to look at Chip who sat on the opposite side of Jay. His ears twitched and Chip saw his tail swish back and forth.
“Good afternoon,” Chip mumbled, he picked at the bread.
“You’re mopey today,” Jay commented with a hint of teasing to her voice which dropped after a second, “you okay?”
“Didn’t sleep well last night,” Chip looked up at her, furrowing his eyebrows at her concerned expression.
“Okay.”
She dropped the subject and didn’t pry.
Gillion talked about his training with Pretzel and what he had been doing on deck. Chip had no idea who he was actually talking to. The Triton sometimes just talked without caring if anyone was actually listening. But it looked like Jay was paying attention.
Chip picked at his sandwich, taking a few bites just to make old man Earl happy but he wasn’t that hungry. A feeling deep in his gut urged him to go back up to the crow's nest where no one would ever come up unless they needed him. A part of him wanted to hide away up there all day.
But as a captain, he knew that he couldn’t do that. Despite the feeling eating away at his gut, he had things that he needed to do.
After lunch, Chip took Jay’s place at the helm. He looked out at the water, steering the ship in the direction they had to go. Each breath he took rattled and wheezed. He tugged at the front of his shirt, puffing it out and rubbing his chest. His ribs ached again, the break that he had taken on the crow's nest early had barely done anything to help.
The swaying of the ship did nothing to ease his ailments either. It made it harder to keep himself standing as he gripped the wheel. The rattling in his chest didn’t help either.
“Chip,” Jay climbed up the stairs to the helm, “according to the map we’re only a few days away from the nearest island if we want to dock for a bit to get some supplies.”
Chip turned to look at her, raising one eyebrow.
“I think we could do for keeping our supplies high in case we get stuck, y’know?” She stood next to Chip, her eyes looking him up and down.
“Sure, which way?”
Jay consulted a compass that she had brought up. Not the compass since Chip had to take a double look at the item in her hand to make sure.
“East,” she muttered and stared at the compass, tilting it back and forth, “that way.”
“Okay.” Chip took a deep breath and scrubbed at his face. He turned the wheel, adjusting their course in the direction that Jay had pointed.
“We’re going east,” Jay said, “remember that in case we got off track. Is there a compass up here still?”
“Uh, I think Gillion took it yesterday for something,” Chip muttered, his breathing shallower than before. His chest constricted painfully and he puffed out his shirt again. Maybe he should take off his binder for a bit longer and go back to the crow's nest. It was getting harder to breathe at the helm.
Gillion was standing by the figurehead, gripping the railing. The wind blew his hair as his gaze was trained firmly on the ocean. Jay followed Chip’s gaze to where Gillion was standing.
“I’ll get it from him later,” Jay hung the compass she held in her hand on the railing, “keep this one here for now then.”
“Okay…” Chip coughed. He figured that Jay was gonna leave now and just go back below decks. But she didn’t. She remained standing next to Chip, her expression unreadable.
“Are you sure you’re okay, like genuinely?” Jay asked, she put a hand on Chip’s shoulder. He flinched and moved away.
“Yeah,” Chip muttered, he frowned and furrowed his eyebrows.
“You seem off.”
Chip blinked, he coughed and rubbed his chest, “I’m fine. Just a bit lightheaded.”
Jay frowned and licked her lips, “okay… maybe you should sit down. I can take over the helm.”
Neither of them moved, Chip kept his hands firmly gripped on the wheel. Jay wrung her hands, staring at Chip. There was a hint of concern in her eyes and Chip hated when she looked at him like that. Every breath he took was starting to hurt more than the last. Dark spots dotted along the edge of his vision when he turned his head too fast.
“Chip,” Jay reached out, touching his hand.
“Fine,” Chip jerked back, he grit his teeth, “I’ll be below decks then if you need me.”
He hadn’t meant to snap at her like that but Jay didn’t seem to react to it. She sighed and watched him walk away from the wheel.
But Chip didn’t manage to get very far. The sudden movement caused his head to spin and the wind knocked what little breath that he had out of his lungs. Jay called something after him but the words fell on deaf ears.
Everything seemed to go blurry for a second as Chip’s chest heaved with the strain of his bindings. The next thing Chip knew he woke up on one of the cots in their sleeping quarters.
It was quiet besides the lapping of the waves against the side of the ship, and there didn’t seem to be anyone else with him in the sleeping quarters. Chip had no idea how he got here.
His head hurt and he rubbed his eyes as he pressed the palm of his hand against the bedsheets, using it to push himself up to a sitting position. He furrowed his eyebrows and winced as he felt a pain radiate from his chest.
The distinct lack of pressure immediately alerted him. His heart leapt up to his throat and he crossed his arms in front of his chest tightly. Anxiety settled like a pit in the bottom of his stomach and he looked around.
He was still wearing a shirt, so whoever took his binder off had removed that and put his shirt back on. Which didn’t make any sense.
Chip was just about to get out of bed and investigate when he heard footsteps descending the stairs. He laid back down and pulled the blanket up to his chin, pretending like he was still asleep.
The footsteps were too light to be Gillion, which meant that it was most likely Jay. The footsteps entered the sleeping quarters and approached his cot, stopping just near the side of the bed. Chip forced his expression to relax, trying to keep his breathing as steady as possible with the incessant ache. He wanted to cough, but that would blow his cover.
“I know you’re awake, Chip,” Came Jay’s voice from next to him. Chip’s entire body seized up and he refused to move. Jay had that tired, concerned tone to her voice that reminded him of what a mother would sound like. Chip hated that voice.
“Chip,” a hand was placed on the top of his head and Chip couldn’t stop himself from flinching away, he squeezed his eyes shut harder. His scalp burned from the sudden contact. Jay sighed.
“How’s your chest feel?” she asked, “I tried healing it a little but I didn’t know if that would make things more complicated or not and I didn’t want to do more damage.”
Chip didn’t respond, he could practically feel the way that his cheeks flushed darker in embarrassment. He would rather just go back to sleep and pretend this was all some nightmare and then never face Jay again.
Maybe she didn’t realize? She must’ve been the one to take off his binder since she was the one that he passed out in front of. Maybe she was just super oblivious and just didn’t connect the dots.
Chip would cling to that false hope until Jay actually commented on the raging elephant in the room.
“C’mon, Chip,” Jay sighed again, “stop giving me the silent treatment. I know you’re awake. You’re blushing. People don’t do that when they’re asleep.”
“Just go away,” Chip muttered, he held the blanket up to his chin and rolled over onto his other side so that his back was facing Jay. Which turned out to be a mistake as another round of pain flared up, causing him to wheeze.
“I just want to see how your chest is,” she said softly, “I think you broke a rib.”
Chip frowned, if his face could possibly get any redder he was sure that it did.
“Can you roll back over please?”
Chip sighed. He could just refuse and stay where he was (not that it was comfortable at all), but if he stayed here Jay would probably also stay here, and then it would drag out. And then Chip would probably work himself into a panic since Jay is really starting to stress him out while she’s standing there.
Chip rolled back onto his back, glaring at Jay.
“How does your chest feel?” She asked again.
“It hurts,” Chip muttered.
“I can try and heal it again but I don’t know if that’ll mess anything up because it’s possibly a broken bone,” she shifted her weight back and forth, “I’d have to um—”
“No,” Chip said firmly, “it doesn’t matter, it’s fine.”
“Are you sure?”
“Is this all you came here for? If so, can you go now?” Chip sat up slightly, keeping the blanket held up to his chin. He squinted and glared at Jay, hoping that the force of the expression would deter her from asking any more questions.
“Chip…”
Chip frowned harder, he felt tears welling up in the corner of his eyes and he wiped at his face to try and hide them.
“You gonna leave?” Chip asked quietly, his voice barely a whisper, “find some other captain? Someone that’s not…”
Jay was quiet for a long time, she sat down on the edge of Chip’s cot. Chip refused to look at her.
“Why would I do that? Why would either of us do that?”
Chip clenched his jaw, his silence didn’t seem to be the answer that Jay was looking for.
“You’re our captain, Chip. And we’re your friends. What kind of friends would we be if we left?”
“Where is Gillion?” Chip took a deep breath, his voice shaking as he decided to change the subject. He curled his hands into fists, clenching the blanket so hard that his knuckles turned white.
“I sent him to wash your binder, just to rinse it out,” Jay said, “It was dirty, but I don’t think he fully understands what it’s for.”
There was a heavy awkwardness in the air, a tension that settled over the two of them like a thick wet blanket. Chip looked away, he shifted uncomfortably, trying to ignore the new weight on his chest any time he moved. He wanted his binder back, even if it hurt, it didn’t hurt as bad as being without it but he was sure that Jay wasn’t going to let him have it.
“I didn’t want you to find out like this,” Chip curled his arms more protectively around his chest. He looked down at his lap feeling shame heat up his entire face, spreading to his ears.
“Were you going to tell us?”
No .
“I didn’t want you to think of me any differently… I didn’t want you to know,” Chip muttered, “… are you mad?” He said it so quietly, he wasn’t sure that Jay understood him.
Jay was looking at Chip with a concerned expression, she furrowed her eyebrows, “no. But I’m worried. What if you passed out again when neither of us was around, what if you died?”
“I wouldn’t have died,” Chip chuckled awkwardly, he tried to reassure her, unsure of what he was saying was actually true. He couldn’t have died? Right? He wasn’t being that unsafe to the point that he’d die. Jay was overreacting.
“Maybe not… but still…” Jay ran her fingers through her hair, she looked over at Chip and smiled weakly, “Don’t make me worry, Chip.”
“You’re the one worrying unnecessarily,” Chip looked away from her, there was an ache in the pit of his stomach still and he wanted to be alone. But the other part of him was glad that Jay was sitting with him right now. It was like a weight was lifted off his shoulders, it was just one less thing that he had to keep hidden.
“I have returned!” Gillion stumbled down the stairs to the sleeping quarters, his tail swished back and forth behind himself to keep his balance. He held Chip’s old binder, it was soaking wet and dripping water on the floor much like Gillion did whenever he walked. He held it up proudly. Chip nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden loud noise.
“Thanks, Gill,” Chip muttered, scooting away from him as he approached.
“I believe I am to return this to you, Chip,” Gillion said with a nod.
“It’s soaking wet, Gill, I can’t wear that right now,” Chip held one hand up in a placating gesture, the other still holding the blanket up to cover his chest. The longer he could pretend it was flat, then the longer he wouldn’t have to deal with the emotions that came with it.
“Oh…” Gillion leaned back some, he looked at the object in his hands, “My apologies.”
“He’s not gonna wear it for a while anyway,” Jay said firmly, looking at Chip with a tight expression before he could object, “You need your chest to heal first and foremost.”
Chip just sighed, he looked down at his lap.
“Huh…?” Gillion turned the binder around in his hands, like Jay said, he didn’t seem to know what it was for besides it was a piece of clothing.
“It’s a binder, Gill,” Chip said awkwardly, “it’s for uh… compressing the chest to give it a flat look.”
“Well, why would you do that?” Gillion looked down at his own chest confused. He tilted his head to the side and it reminded Chip of a puppy.
“Not everyone has a flat chest,” Jay said, “Like sometimes when someone is born the wrong gender…”
“Gill, I’m trans,” Chip said, ripping off the bandage right away to keep this conversation from getting any more awkward, “I was born a girl but now I’m not.” He winced as he examined Gillion’s face to see his reaction. It surprisingly didn’t seem negative, if anything Gillion seemed to know exactly what he was talking about.
“Oh!” Gillion nodded with understanding, “I was not aware that there was a word for it!”
“You… have that kind of stuff in the undersea… right?” Jay asked, “Like someone is one gender and then they switch?”
“Yes, there is a time in most every fishes life where they undergo changes of that sort,” Gillion said, still holding Chip’s soggy binder, “It happens to most everyone. I’m glad to be a part of this time in your life Chip, it is truly an honor.”
“I think there are some cultural differences here,” Chip said slowly, “I do not have the energy to unpack anything that he just said.”
“Gill, here,” Jay stood up, she took the binder from Gillion and wrung it out, ignoring the water that splashed on the floor. The floors were already perpetually damp, a little water that they could clean up later wouldn’t hurt, “we can let it dry.”
“Thank you for washing it,” Chip said, “and for being cool about me not telling you.”
“Of course,” Jay smiled, her hair falling in front of her face, “I’ll let you sleep while this dries, try not to pass out on us again though.”
“I’ll try not to.”
Jay shooed Gillion towards the stairwell. The Triton was talking about something that neither of them actually knew what he was saying. Chip sank back onto the pillow and watched them leave. But as Jay got to the door, she turned around, one hand still on Gillion’s arm.
“And Chip, if you ever need something, just ask,” She said, “I’m in the same boat as you, I know a few things.”
Chip’s eyes widened, “And you didn’t tell me ?”
“I didn’t know how to bring it up…” she shrugged and grimaced, “get some rest.”
Chip sighed, he squinted at Jay as she left the room.