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Alec’s relaxing on Magnus’s couch, reading a book, when he gets the call. His right ankle is on the mend after and encounter with a couple of feisty Raum demons. He doesn’t expect the call.
Jace is on the other end, and Alec can feel the distress running through the bond.
“Jace? What’s happened?” He asks, suddenly filled with nerves. Something has gone very wrong.
“It’s Isabelle,” he hears Jace choke out, and his blood stops. No. Not his sister, not his beautiful, loving, capable sister.
“It’s all my fault,” Jace says, and Alec can almost see the tears dropping. “Clary and I went out with her to get a nest of Elapids… It was supposed to be easy, but I got distracted and… She’s gone, Alec. Our little sister is gone.”
Alec can’t feel his fingers. This can’t be happening. She can’t… No, Izzy’s so filled with life. She can’t possibly be dead… can she?
“I… I’m so sorry Alec.” Jace is crying. Jace is hurting. He can feel it in the bond, hear it over the phone. He wouldn’t be this upset if this was a joke. “Alec? Say something. I know I’ve fucked up, but just… say something. Please.”
Alec hesitates, overturned with guilt. He should have been there. If he hadn’t gotten injured, then maybe… “I… Jace. This isn’t your fault. Do you want me to come over to the Institute? I can be there in a half hour.”
“No, no… I… They’ve taken her body, and you’re injured…” Jace trails off.
Alec grimaces, and despite the acid he feels spreading through his gut, he speaks. “I’ll be there. Don’t leave.”
He hangs up the phone and closes his eyes. Before he can start to cry, he pushes himself off the couch, placing his book on the mahogany coffee table.
“Magnus?” He calls, trying to keep his voice steady. “I’m going to the Institute. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
“Okay,” Magnus calls from his study. “Call me when you know. I love you.”
“I love you too,” he calls. He doesn’t want to talk about Isabelle, not yet. He needs to see Jace first, to process it, then he can come back. He’ll start crying if he has to admit it and he needs to be the older sibling to Jace right now and he cant do that if he’s crying because his sister is dead and… One more and he won’t be a big brother any more. He didn’t have any blood siblings left.
He leaves with his crutch and a heavy heart. The trip to the institute takes too long. He can remember being younger, when he was coming back from Magnus’, how the trip always seemed much too short. But not this now. The time drags on, unrelenting in its presence. Alec wishes it would go backwards, back to when his sister was alive.
Angel. The last words he ever spoke to her were ‘I’ll see you Wednesday.’ Now she was dead and she’s never have anything more to say than ‘I know, silly.’
And, had anyone told Simon? They were engaged to be married, though the date hadn’t been set. They were happy, and now… they couldn’t be. Alec wouldn’t know what to do if Magnus ever died… he didn’t want to imagine it. As it is he already feels shitty. His sister.
His sister.
He feels the tears welling up in his eyes as he walks the last leg of the journey. Taking deep breaths, he tries to calm himself. It works enough for him to regain his composition.
When he walks into the Institute, Clary greets him. She rubs at her eyes, and it’s obvious that she’d been crying.
“He’s in his old room,” she says, sniffling a little. “He won’t talk to me.”
Alec grimaces, then wraps his arms around his sister-in-law. She’s warm. Smaller than Isabelle.
“It’s alright,” he whispered. “I’ll knock some sense into him.”
“Thank you,” Clary says, squeezing him tighter.
“Has anyone called Simon?” Alec asks, pulling back from her embrace, his hands still on her arms.
“No,” she looks away. “I don’t know how to tell him. What do I even say? What could I ever say to make this better?”
“Clary,” Alec starts, kissing her forehead. “It’s not going to be okay for a long time. Why don’t you call him while I talk to Jace? It’ll be best coming from someone he loves, and he needs to know. He trusts you. How would you feel if Jace died and no one told you because they didn’t want to hurt you?”
“I would hate them,” Clary sighed, and Alec sympathized. He would destroy whoever kept the information from him if it were Magnus.
Giving her one last squeeze, Alec parts with her, intent on finding his brother and parabatai. It doesn’t take him long to get to Jace’s old room, a familiar trek from before he and Clary moved into a single room together.
He knocks on the door, softly, before entering. He closes the door behind him, leaning back on it. He can see Jace curled up on the covers of his old bed, back to Alec.
“Hey Jace.” Alec says, walking over to his brother and sitting on the bed.
“Alec,” Jace concedes, and his voice sounds empty. Alec’s heart wants to break all over again.
“Clary says you won’t talk to her,” Alec starts, placing his crutch against the wall.
Jace is silent for a minute. “I… I was.”
Alec lays back on the bed, and wraps his arm around Jace. Years ago, this might have made his heart beat faster. Now, it’s just heavy.
“Do you want to tell me why?”
“I… I was checking for Clary. Making sure she was okay. I was doing that while Izzy was dying. While she was being killed by demons I should have already taken out.” Jace admits, but Alec isn’t mad at him. “I should have checked. But I’m so used to…”
“To me being there to look out for her.” Alec finishes for him with a lump in his throat. Jace doesn’t deny the statement, making Alec feel anything but better.
“It’s unfair of me,” Jace whispers. “To Izzy and you.”
Alec chuckles lightly, though he’s not happy. “You’ve always been a little unfair when Clary is involved.”
“I’m sorry,” Jace whispers. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
“I know. I know,” Alec scoots closer to Jace, pulling his brother to his chest. “But this isn’t your fault. It’s because of those demons. You’re a Shadowhunter, you know we die all the time.” There may or may not be tears falling from Alec’s eyes.
“That doesn’t mean we’re always prepared for it.”
“Yeah.”
They lay there for what feels like hours, but probably isn’t even a single one. It’s Alec that breaks the silence.
“It’s not Clary’s fault. It’s not your fault. You’re going to talk to your wife, and you’re going to help her because she lost Isabelle too. She’s the one who has to tell her best friend that his fiancé is dead. She’s being brave, and strong, and none of this is either of your faults. You need to talk to her.”
Jace takes a deep breath. “Yeah.” He sits up, and so does Alec, grabbing his crutch. “I’m going to go find her. Thank you. I… I’ll see you tomorrow? We’ll have to make f…funeral arrangements with Maryse and Robert.”
“Yeah,” Alec says, smiling grimly at his brother. “Do they know?”
Jace nods. “I called them right after I called you.”
They’re silent for a moment, mourning their loss. Finally, Alec stands up.
“I’d better get going. It’s getting late.”
“Yeah,” Jace says, slowly standing up after him and walking him to the door. “Wouldn’t want to keep your boyfriend waiting.”
“Like you can talk about keeping people waiting, Jace,” Alec sighs. “Speaking of, you better go find your wife. You’re not the only one dealing with this.”
Jace nods, and walks Alec to the Institute door. “Are you going to be okay, though, Alec?”
“Yeah,” Alec tries to smile. “You need to patch things up with Clary. I need… I need to figure out what exactly I’m going to do. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Alec hugs his brother before disappearing into the city, walking (limping, more like) back to Magnus’s apartment. This time, he has to fight harder to keep composed. He hasn’t felt this awful since… Since Max died. Since Jace went missing, maybe. He just can’t believe… his sister. He’s the older brother, he’s supposed to be the strongest. But now his little sister is gone for good, the second gone of three, and the only one left alive is trying to explain his guilt complex to his wife. Without Alec.
The dumbest thing is that Alec was the one who insisted he leave, but he’s probably the one who feels the shittiest about it.
It’s not until he’s back in Magnus’s and his apartment that he lets himself fell the full weight of what’s happening. The tightening of his chest and the boiling of his stomach bring tears to his eyes, and he can vaguely feel himself sink to the ground, his crutch dropping with him
It’s so hard to breathe. There are spots in his vision. He can’t possibly be here, can he? It feels unreal. He lets out a sob, but it almost doesn’t seem like he’s the one doing it anymore. How can his sister be dead?
Someone’s touching him. He looks up to see Magnus crouched next to him, his beautiful face clouded with concern. He takes a moment to figure out why it’s like that. He’d almost forgotten that other people could see him.
“Alec? Are you okay?”
Alec shakes his head. He doesn’t think he’s okay. It’s hard to breathe, there are spots in his vision, and his sister is dead.
“Isabelle,” Alec gasps. He gulps. “Magnus. I… I’m not a brother anymore.”
“Alec,” Magnus says. “I need you to breathe. Okay?”
Alec nods again, and as Magnus takes a giant breath, he tries to follow. It’s shuddery and weak. Magnus exhales, and he follows. They continue like that for a while, until Alec’s breathing has become more stable.
“Can I touch you?” Magnus asks.
Alec hesitates before nodding.
“I’m going to pick you up, okay?” Magnus asks, his hand on Alec’s shoulder.
Alec nods, and Magnus slowly puts an arm under Alec’s knees and one around his lower back. He carefully lifts Alec up and carries him to their bedroom.
“Do you need anything?” Magnus asks.
Alec shakes his head. “No. Thank you, Magnus.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Magnus asks.
Alec doesn’t want to talk about it. But he knows he should, and Magnus deserves something of an explanation.
After a bit of a pause, Alec speaks. “Jace got Izzy killed. He didn’t mean to, but… He was expecting me to be there to look out for her. But I wasn’t—but I wasn’t there and Izzy’s dead.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Magnus whispers, and pulls Alec into his chest as the Shadowhunter starts to cry again.
“I just—how many siblings am I gonna lose?” Alec sobs, pressing closer to Magnus. “I’ve only got one more.”
“I don’t know, hon.” Magnus muttered. “Hopefully none.”
Magnus should be better at the whole comfort thing for how old he is. As it is, he just makes his boyfriend cry harder.
“I just—if it wasn’t for this stupid ankle, those fucking Raum demons, or if I’d trained them to do a better job looking after each other… Maybe she wouldn’t—“
“Don’t you dare blame yourself, Alexander. Approximately none of this is your fault.” Magnus pulls back, wiping one of Alec’s cheeks. “You’re not much older than her. You didn’t know any better. You didn’t kill her. And she lived a good life in part because you were in it.”
“But, I should have been there for her.” Alec protests.
Magnus sighs slowly. “You know she wouldn’t have wanted that. She’s have wanted you here, healing.”
“I just…” Magnus feels Alec grow more limp in his arms. “I’m going to miss her. I don’t want for her to be gone.”
“Darling,” Magnus whispers, squeezing his Shadowhunter closer. “Nobody does. We’re all going to miss her.”