Chapter Text
“Damn I’m getting old.” sighed Joseph Robinette Biden. He was exasperated by his sexy secret service guards always following him everywhere! He specifically requested men who were once models so that he can still feel lust every once in a while. He liked caressing their vulpine abs when he got bored. “Why can't the boys just let me get some cotton candy and cheesecake frozen yogurt? I just finished bathtime with them, what could they possibly want?!?”
JOE POV:
I'm just glad the boys can accept me without feeling weirded out that I got a dick that is 5 inches in diameter and only 2 in length. It’s like a meat cylinder. But a girthy, pale one.
Back to the yogurt, I walk to the nearest yogurtland as I don't want any of that pinkberry or jogurt crap. And immediately shove my fat ass fingers into my tight black skinny jeans. No one wants to understand me. Not even my own bodyguards. It’s tough. Yeah we have talks about our lives, but we DONT fuck.
I patiently shove my way through the crowd of people waiting for yogurt screaming “IM THE PRESIDENT BITCHES GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY!” and “I’M GAY!”
I reach for the cotton candy
I am so incredibly sexy. Suddenly, I turn to my left and see, DONALLY TRUMPUS? When did he get sexy?? I mean— what? Did I seriously just think that. Oh my gosh!! I tweet #Embarassing. I shake it off, and go towards the topping bar. I reach for the hard gummi bears, I love the crunch and chewing it violently. An orange hand brushes mine. I am shell shocked, as some cheeto dust gets on the serving spoon. The simple touch of his hand makes me weak at the knees. I literally collapse and break my fucking spine. I’m bleeding out. Trump cries and I grab the gun out of his ass and shoot him in the head. “I’m sorry.” I say, as I pull the trigger. “I had to do this.” His body lays limp upon mine, and suddenly all I can feel is pain. Not because of my spine, but because the love of my life is dead. And it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have listened to Lucifer. Why didn't I just sacrifice the baby instead? She had cancer anyway. No one had to know that this was planned murder. I quickly wash the blood off my white robe with chocolate syrup and put on my white hat. The families serving their innocent children yogurt start to scream and flee the scene, doig anything to get away from me. ….. No witnesses. ….
I call the boys and they quickly bring the Willy Jeep around with the gatling gun on top. As I mount the machine of death, I quickly hail Satan as I start to hail lead upon the sacrifices. Blood, blood, blood. I am aroused.
The cops are after me. I create a molotov cocktail and say “Let’s make some bacon. Those fucking pigs will be pushin up daiseys when im done with their sorry ,little, tiny, rump, smooth, asses. I’m the big bad wolf.”
I narrowly escaped the road spikes , which means I earned a celebratory cigar. I quickly roll a blunt. “Daddy is a bad bitch,” I say to God himself. “And you can’t stop me.”
God smites me. He stopped me.
But wait.
Trump falls from the heavens, like an angel, but his spine fucking breaks. I limp towards him, “Are you okay baby??” I ask. Wait- did I just say that outloud? “I’m okay Babydoll.” Trump says, and winks. He has a loaded gun in his hand and accidentally sets it off, shooting god in the the heart. “RRUMP WAS THE IMPOSTOR??!”
Trump laughs.
“You really thought I was a crewmate? After what you did to the love of my life?” Trump then grabs Joe’s face, and kisses him passionately.
Joe slaps him, almost out of habit. “Oh sorry, forgot we’re not in the bedroom.” He says, smirking. “FOR SHAME!” God says. (God is Homophobic)
As Trump rips off his shirt relieving flab, Joe instantaneously becomes a fighter jet. His engines roar in arousal. He is the new god because he killed the original.
Joe flies up into the sky, and fires missiles towards every civilian he sees. He shares a quick kiss with Trump saying, “This is the way.” (Like the Mandalorian)
Baby yoda appears out of thin air and says “fuck biden.”
Biden did not mess with star wars characters any longer, after the Darth Maul incident. Jarjar comes out and says “Meesa want sex?” “Youssa will get it”
After the amazing sex flight, Buick transforms back into a human and thinks about his mom. His mom would tell him to eat his greens so that he can grow big and strong. Biden eats baby yoda. Tasted like apples. Joe starts to feel dizzy, overcome with nausea.
Black
You hear sirens in the distance. You think to yourself, “Was that all just a dream?” Dream minecraft appears. “Did you call me?”