Chapter Text
Kara wasn’t sure what to expect from working at CatCo, the media empire of the century. All she knew was that it was surreal. She was actually going to be a journalist at an international news outlet. Thinking about what a huge impact she could make just by putting her words out there was the most exciting thing that had happened in a long time. No matter what happened, working under Cat Grant was the biggest career move she could imagine - and no one got hired at CatCo at 30-years-old. It was unheard of. Especially not someone who had been working at a rinky-dink newspaper in Midvale.
And it really was a dream at first. She had gotten to move back home from her job in Midvale, and while her cousin was great, no one was quite like Alex. She got to see her mom again, and go to all of the places she used to love as a kid and it was great. It was really great. She tried to convince herself it was really, really great.
But at the end of the day, it was just hard.
It had been eight years since they’d spoken to each other, meaning she should be well over it by now. Yet that didn’t change the fact that every location Kara went to for comfort ended up filling her with guilt because every comfort spot was accompanied with memories of Lena Luthor and their promise of forever and ever . And despite knowing it was her fault - because, at the end of the day, it was, in fact, Kara’s fault - it wasn’t any easier to cope with. Hell, maybe it made it worse.
And her old friends from high school didn’t give too much relief from the loneliness. They were civil to her, and no one said anything outlandish, but every time she’d ask to hang out there’d be something that would come up. Whether it was family obligations, or work, or the vague response of, ‘Sorry, I already made other plans! Raincheck?’, every single one of them hadn’t been able to find a spare moment since she had come back. At first, that was fine, because Kara knew they couldn’t avoid her forever, as a month passed, then two, she was second-guessing how true that was.
Luckily, she still had a few friends from college in the area, so she wasn’t completely alone. She had Sam, who was some lofty businesswoman now.
She had Nia who she had met her sophomore year of college. Kara had set her up with Brainy back then and while the two of them were still dating, Nia managed to find time for Kara. She was probably the only middle-man there was.
Then there was J’onn, an old professor who had become like a father figure over the years. He was a voice of reason. And oddly enough, also Alex’s boss.
But it still didn’t feel like enough. And even though National City was huge, as Kara came back, it felt so small. Before she left she had all of these friends and was out all the time and enjoying every second of her youth, but now, in adulthood, everything felt like it had shrunk in her time away. The way everyone knew each other was gone… Things were different. Things were lonely.
Weeks continued to pass and Kara continued waiting for her old friends to get over whatever grudge they were holding, but none of them did. - which was confusing because Lena had distanced herself from everyone near the end of college, so she hadn’t expected anyone to take the break up too seriously. Obviously, Kara knew she had made a mistake, but she didn’t expect people to hold it against her all these years later. But Lena had clearly reunited with everyone because now not a single friend from high school was willing to hear her out.
“It’ll just take some time,” Alex would try to comfort her when she would bring it up. “They reconnected with Lena after you left. When you left, they’re the ones who picked up the pieces. And I love you, but you have to admit, none of them have a reason to welcome you with open arms.”
Kara’s eyes would always well up with tears, passionately arguing, “I’ve been having to cope with this for eight years. No one hates what I did more than me but it was eight years ago! People change.”
“They do,” Alex would tread the waters carefully. “But you also haven’t apologized. Not to any of them.”
And Kara couldn’t say anything to that. Every single time, that’s how their conversation would end. She wanted to apologize, but what could she say? She had still been a terrible friend, and even worse girlfriend, and, worst of all, she broke Lena’s heart at the most inopportune time. And that’s the understatement of the century.
In her own defense, it wasn’t easy for Kara either and she did have reasons for breaking up with Lena back then - despite keeping them to herself. Her disappearance wasn’t as uncalled for as everyone thought. But it still hurt. Kara knew because she had broken her own heart too. But she could acknowledge how she had probably hurt her friends more.
Two months had gone by and she had never felt so alone.
She was wondering if that feeling would ever end.
xx
When Kara pled with whatever God existed to make her less lonely, karma must have been waiting to be served because Cat Grant called her into her office the next morning to pitch her a terrible idea. Or, a terrible assignment, to be more accurate, because saying ‘no’ wasn’t really an option when it came to getting pitches from the one and only Cat Grant.
“Kiera,” she hummed when Kara walked in. “Did you know that you had a scholarship essay published in CatCo Magazine?”
And Cat clearly had a point to her questioning but Kara wasn’t quite sure what it was. So, with a clear lack of confidence, she hesitantly nodded. “I do vaguely remember that, yes.”
“You got a full ride to the school of your choosing,” Cat continued to chime. She looked down at an archived magazine that Kara recognized immediately and clicked her tongue. “ Lena Luthor is inherently good ,” she read aloud. Kara’s heart sped up at the name and she tried not to show how nervous it made her. Cat Grant looked up again after she finished reading the main point. “It says here she’s your best friend.”
“Yeah. Uh - was ,” Kara fiddled with her glasses. “We aren’t on the best terms anymore.”
“Well, that’s unfortunate, because we need someone to cover the Lena Luthor story and you’re my pick,” Cat announced.
And while Kara knew the decision was final, she still had to try to get out of it. Interviewing Lena was an unimaginably horrible idea. “I don’t think that’s in the best interest of the company, Ms. Grant. Lena really won’t want to see me. As in, if you send me to do this interview, she will not say a word. I guarantee it.”
“Then you’ll go back until she does,” Cat said as if it were obvious. “Journalists don’t just give up, Kiera. They keep going until they get to the bottom of it. And seeing your history, I think you’d be the perfect person for the job given the personal nature of everything that’s going on right now.”
“I really don’t-”
“I set up an interview on CatCo’s behalf for tomorrow at one,” her boss stated with finality. “You’re going to show up, you’re going to be professional, and you’re going to leave your drama at the door. If we get the best coverage on this, we will soar to the most top-read source of journalism in the world.”
“The world?” Kara gave a wry laugh. She knew Lena had gained popularity, but thinking that she could make CatCo the most read news source in the world was insane. “What exactly is the story that I’m covering that will go so worldwide?”
“Kiera.” Her boss’ voice turned dark as she slightly bowed her head. “You don’t live under a rock.”
Which was true. But she also never read articles about Lena Luthor. Despite being a journalist, she had stopped reading the news when she had gotten back to National City. It was surreal how popular and newsworthy Lena had become and, quite frankly, Kara couldn’t handle seeing her name everywhere. It was easier to stop reading the news. And she knew the irony of being a journalist that didn’t read the news but it was simply too painful.
“I just don’t follow stories about Lena anymore since… the fallout,” she fiddled with her glasses again. “Did she buy another conglomerate or something? Is her business failing? Is she dating some famous musician again?”
“Kiera,” Cat repeated gravely. “You must know. Everyone knows.”
“Uh-” Kara didn’t know how to explain it. “Can you just tell me? Just so I can make sure we’re on the same page.”
For the first time, her boss sat up straight in her chair, looking at Kara with concern. “Do you really not know?”
“Know what?” Kara asked with exasperation. She just wanted Cat to spit it out. She would cover whatever trivial story there was about Lena - much to her dismay - but she hated that Cat was prolonging what that trivial story was about.
“Kara,” her boss said her name correctly for the first time since she had started working there over two months ago. “Lena has cancer.”
And despite not talking for eight years, her entire world began to spin. Since when did Lena have cancer? And why did no one tell her? And how was she supposed to cover a story like that without being biased or getting overly emotional?
Then again, at the same time, she knew she had to cover the story. Because if it was true - if Lena Luthor really did have cancer - Kara needed some excuse to talk to her. She couldn’t exactly go knocking on her door nowadays, so if Kara wanted to approach her directly, following this lead was her only chance.
“Okay,” she finally swallowed the lump in her throat. “One o'clock tomorrow.”
“Great,” Cat sat back, the seriousness from before disappearing completely. “Now, you are dismissed and I suggest you look up the minuscule details that have already been released to get an idea of what you’re in for.”
Kara nodded, knowing she’d have to follow through with that - no matter how painful it may be. “Yes, Ms. Grant.”
She turned to walk out the door, then she turned back with one last question. “Ms. Grant?”
“Yes, Kiera?” her voice was laced with inconvenience.
“Does Lena know I’ll be the one covering this story? Does she know it’s me coming?”
“Of course not. I already knew you two had fallen out and I’m not an idiot. I still wanted you to do the story but if I told her it was you doing the story, I wouldn’t have gotten an interview, now would I?” Cat replied as if Kara was a toddler. Then she straightened up and let out a deep sigh as if reassuring her employee was the most boring part of her day. “But luckily you’re an excellent journalist. Which is why I know you’ll be fine. If I didn’t trust you’d cover the story well, you wouldn’t be covering it.”
Kara took a deep breath. This already spelled out catastrophe in big, capital letters.
“And I do trust you, so don’t screw this up,” Cat warned. “You’re a part of this company’s team now, and as a part of the team you have to act the part, and you want to know the secret to being a successful journalist at the most famous news platform in the country?”
Kara really didn’t, but she had a feeling Cat would tell her anyway. “What’s that, Ms. Grant?”
“Doing the stories that make you feel most uncomfortable,” Cat stated. “When you start to feel like a story hits close to home, when you feel that passion, that drop in your stomach - that’s when you’re on to something.”
That was true, but Kara wasn’t happy about it.
“Lena really might not talk to me, though. You realize that, right?”
“I do. And as I said before, if she doesn’t, you’ll do what journalists do. You’ll keep going back until you do get a story out of this. Because I do expect one hell of a story.”
Kara pursed her lips, knowing there was no way she could make Cat understand the chaos that would ensue. There was a very good possibility that Lena would kill her and Kara wouldn’t be alive to tell this groundbreaking story. Or, at least, that’s how it felt. But at the same time, it seemed her job depended on this story and she really needed her job. It was everything she had worked for - it was her dream. She couldn’t just walk away now.
“I understand, Ms. Grant,” Kara gave a solemn nod. “I won’t let you down.”
xx
Kara knew she probably should’ve told Alex about her interview. She should’ve processed that she’d be seeing Lena Luthor in the flesh for the first time in eight years with someone. But she couldn’t. When she thought about calling, she would freeze up.
Interviewing Lena meant Kara would be facing what she had done for the first time in the flesh. Facing the damage, the aftermath, the heartbreak. Facing how she had no idea what the person she once called her soulmate - and still did, more often than not - was going through. She would have to face all of it.
Not to mention, she’d have to face the fact that Lena apparently had cancer. More importantly, Lena had cancer and no one had told her. Despite being on civil terms with her friends, not one person had mentioned it. Even Nia, the middle man who undoubtedly knew, hadn’t brought it up. And while Kara knew she had no right to know about Lena’s personal life anymore, she still felt slighted. Something huge was going on with the one person she loved the most in the world and no one had the decency to tell her about it.
She regretted every action she’d made to let things get this far.
xx
When Kara stood in front of L-Corp - previously known as Luthor Corp - she froze, just looking up towards the top floor. Suddenly, her heart was pounding and she was doubting everything. Could she really do this? Could she really face Lena?
Then, she remembered.
‘Lena has cancer.’ The words replayed over and over in Cat Grant’s voice.
She eventually couldn’t stall any longer without risking being late. She walked into L-Corp, trying to keep her head held high as she approached the front desk and showed her CatCo ID.
“I’m a journalist with CatCo. I have an interview scheduled with Lena Luthor.”
The receptionist began typing into the computer, eventually confirming the information. “Great. We just need to check you in. Your name?”
Kara took a deep breath. Her name was going to go into the L-Corp database? That sounded like yet another disaster. Lena probably had it flagged by now.
She tried not to stutter. “Kara Danvers.”
“Alright, let me just print you a visitor’s badge really quick. Would you mind standing in front of the camera?”
Kara licked her lips, anxiety coursing through her body as she moved to get her picture taken. She didn’t even know if this data would be saved - there was a high likelihood that it wouldn’t be - yet she still found herself panicking.
When she had the temporary visitor’s badge, Kara peeled off the sticker and stuck it to her shirt.
“Go down this hallway, show your CatCo ID and visitor badge to the guard at the elevator, and go to the top floor.”
“Thanks,” Kara forced a smile.
She must have followed the directions, but she was in such a daze that she didn’t remember it. All she knew was that one moment she was in the lobby and the next she was on a very quiet floor lined with office after office. Again, there was a receptionist as soon as she exited the elevator. Kara couldn’t help but look around, almost expecting Lena to be there greeting her. She wanted to laugh at the lunacy of the thought.
“Hi. I’m with CatCo. I have an interview scheduled with Lena Luthor.”
“Yes. Ms. Luthor is expecting you,” she smiled warmly. “Let me just make sure now is still a good time. What’s your name again?”
“Kara Danvers,” she held her breath.
Was this woman going to tell Lena that it was her right then and there? Because if she did, Kara was certain Lena wouldn’t even accept the interview. She’d be turned away and Cat Grant would be furious.
She listened as the receptionist spoke quietly, trying to hear what she was saying over the soft hum of the air conditioning.
“Ms. Luthor? Hi. The journalist from CatCo is here. Kara Danvers, I believe. Are you ready for her now?” Kara nervously watched as the receptionist paused, her heart speeding up when she started quietly laughing. “Thank you, Ms. Luthor. I’ll send her your way now.”
And just like that, she hung up the phone. Kara looked around for the hidden cameras because this had to be a joke. Lena was going to let her in without batting an eye? Did she think there was another Kara Danvers? Kara had thought she was doomed when the receptionist mentioned her by name, but Lena just invited her into the office with open arms? Just like that?
“Right this way. Follow me.”
Kara’s mind was beyond jumbled as she followed the stranger down the hall to an office tucked in the backmost corner. This was the most confusing experience of her life. Lena really was letting her in for the interview.
“Right through those doors,” the receptionist gestured.
And just like that, she walked away. As if this was all no big deal. And then, Kara remembered that to her, it probably was. She probably had no idea about their history.
She took a deep breath, moving towards the doors. She noticed her hands shaking when she reached to push it open and tried to mentally calm herself enough to exude confidence. Eventually, she made it through the doors, into the office.
Lena looked up from typing so nonchalantly but Kara had no idea how. She felt like she had been punched in the gut seeing Lena again. She looked exactly the same yet so incredibly different. She had grown a lot, but it had served her well. She didn’t look like a college kid anymore and she fit the role of a CEO perfectly.
“Hi, Kara,” she smiled pleasantly as if they hadn’t been friends for seventeen years. As if Kara hadn’t done what she’d done. “Have a seat.”
“Hi,” Kara forced a grin. She was so confused. This wasn’t going how she expected at all, and it only made her more anxious.
“How are you doing today? Can I get you anything to drink? Water? Coffee?”
Lena spoke so casually and it only added to Kara’s anxiety. It was like they’d never met, and Kara wasn’t sure if that was better or worse than Lena being upset and refusing an interview.
“I’m good. Thank you for the offer, though.”
“Well, I’m going to grab some water real quick,” Lena stood up. As she poured herself a cup, she looked back, still as stoic and pleasant as ever. “Are you sure you don’t want some?”
“No - uh,” Kara messed with her glasses again. “It’s okay.”
And it didn’t go past her that Lena Luthor wasn’t shaking. She wasn’t trembling. She wasn’t anxious at all. As she poured her water and sat back down, she was strong and steady.
When Lena settled back in her seat, she took a sip of her drink, then nodded at Kara to start.
“So, what can I help you with, Ms. Danvers?”
“Um-” Kara looked down at her notes. She was a journalist. She knew better than to stutter. But here she was, a mess about to come undone, all of her training seemingly going out the window. “Well, first, thank you for taking the time out of your day to meet with me.”
“Anything for Cat Grant,” Lena gave a warm smile. “I’m assuming she sent you here to discuss the whole cancer thing? Get the inside scoop before anyone else does?”
Kara wanted to laugh at the absurdity of how much Lena was downplaying the situation. First, she was acting like they never met, and now she was referring to her diagnosis as if it was nothing. ‘ The whole cancer thing.’ For some reason, Kara wanted to scream at her for being so dismissive of it all. Having cancer was serious. And the relationship they shared… Well, that was serious too.
“She did,” Kara forced a smile, not wanting to ruin whatever fantasy world Lena had apparently created for herself. “I tried to get out of it, but there’s not really a way to say ‘no’ to someone like Cat Grant.”
“You didn’t want to cover the hottest story hitting the headlines?” Lena raised an eyebrow, sitting back in her chair. She appeared to be amused. “I’d think as a journalist you’d love to have your name on the byline.”
Kara didn’t know what to say. “I just - I didn’t know if you’d want to see me.”
“Ah,” Lena gave a little laugh. “Well, that’s not important. We’re both professionals, right?”
“Right,” Kara was quick to agree despite having no idea how Lena was so unphased. She understood they were both professionals but what happened in the past was real. It still happened, whether they were professionals or not. And honestly, the longer this went on, the more and more Kara was beginning to doubt if Lena recognized her with glasses and her hair in a ponytail.
“So, what questions do you have?” Lena took another sip of her water. “I’m sure they’re good.”
“Yeah,” Kara’s breath caught in her throat. “I’ll just jump into it then.”
“Sounds perfect,” Lena nodded along.
And as Kara asked the pre-rehearsed questions and scribbled down the answers, she had no idea what was going on. She didn’t know why Lena was so calm, she didn’t know how this interview was going smoothly, and she didn’t know how her past wasn’t coming up. All of her friends were holding this massive grudge, yet Lena sat there as if she was untouched. And it drove her absolutely insane that she had no idea why.
As Kara wound down the questions, she looked up at Lena nervously, finally asking with trepidation, “Do you know who I am?”
That caused a flash of darkness to cross Lena’s face for a moment, but just as quickly, it went back to being the epitome of neutral. Lena rolled her eyes with the worst excuse of a laugh. “Of course I know who you are, Kara.”
She wasn’t ready for that. Hearing Lena say her name without that mask of ‘professionalism’ made her veins twitch. Her entire body felt like it was on fire.
Kara thought about what to say next. “Are you not mad at me?”
“Oh, no. I’m furious,” Lena kept their eye contact, announcing that fury with the utmost nonchalance. “But as I said, we’re professionals.”
“We are,” Kara looked around the office, awkwardly adding, “You’re really good at being a professional.”
Lena looked quite unimpressed and it didn’t go unnoticed that the compliment went unreturned. “Thank you.”
Kara nodded. She knew she had nothing left to say, but she wanted to stay here longer. To stay with Lena longer. She met her eyes again, scrunching her eyebrows with concern. Her reporter voice was gone, replaced with the utmost concern. “Are you doing okay with it all? I mean, cancer… that’s huge.”
Lena tilted her head. “As far as I’m concerned, we’re not friends, so that’s really not your business.”
“Okay,” Kara dragged. She wasn’t expecting the directness. Somehow, there was still no hostility in Lena’s voice, yet Kara felt like she had been put in place quicker than ever. “Well, I’m really sorry about what happened between us. I-”
“I’m not discussing that at work,” Lena started straightening out the papers on her desk. It was the first time in the entire hour they’d spent together that Lena appeared nervous.
“Well, when can we discuss it?”
“Is there anything to discuss?”
“There’s a lot I have to say,” Kara fought.
Lena paused, sitting up straighter and slightly leaning forward in her chair. Her eyes were squinted and her voice was on edge, challenging her with every word. “Do you really think anything you have to say can fix this, Kara?”
There it was. There was her name again. This time coming out with a hint of disdain.
“I want to explain.”
“If the interview is over, I think you should go,” Lena was decisive, leaving no room to argue.
Kara looked at her helplessly, trying to express how sorry she was. “Lena-”
“I think you should go,” Lena repeated, turning to her desk with finality and going back to writing whatever report she had been writing before the interview began. When Kara reached the door, Lena let out a small chuckle. Her voice was sarcastic and dry. “Tell Cat it’s been a pleasure, as always.”
Kara felt too defeated to say anything. She gave a small nod and exited the office quietly. She had decided she would’ve much preferred a fight. The only thing worse than Lena having a bad reaction was Lena having no reaction.
But her work wasn’t done yet. Now, she had to go back to the office and write a lovely article about her, which would be easy because Lena truly was the best person she knew - as evidenced by her civility in their conversation - but Lena was also the person she was trying to get out of her head. And as long as she’d be covering this story, Lena would be front and center.
But hey. Maybe this story was a one time thing. That was possible. Right?
xx
When Kara finished her article, she submitted it to the editors and took off for the night. She debated on what she wanted to do. She didn’t know if she should call Alex to tell her all about everything or stay in misery by herself. She knew Alex would have a lot to say, and while Kara needed to hear a familiar voice, she didn’t want to hear the judgement. So, in the end, she decided to do neither of those things. She would call the middle man. The unbiased party.
Nia answered almost immediately, as always. Her voice was bubbly and Kara could picture her sitting in her apartment with that Nia Nal smile on her face. “Hey, Kara!”
“Hey,” Kara tried to sound just as chipper but as soon as it came out she realized it was a failed attempt. Her voice sounded miserable.
Nia laughed at the attempt, questioning it immediately. “Hard day, much?”
Kara just sighed, sitting on her bed and laying under the covers. She needed to hide away from the world. “You have no idea.”
“Well, let’s rate it,” Nia kept trying to cheer her up. “On a scale from Brainy’s cooking to your writing skills, how bad was it?”
“It was worse than Brainy’s cooking,” Kara’s voice was filled with sadness. “I had to interview Lena today.”
“Wait. Lena Luthor ?” Nia clarified.
“The one and only,” Kara tried to laugh it off. They didn’t know many other Lenas. Then, she went back to being solemn as she remembered it all. “It was terrible.”
She heard Nia let out a deep breath on the other end of the phone, her voice filled with sympathy. “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to interview her?”
“Because I was terrified,” Kara tried to explain. “I mean, you were there to see how badly I messed everything up - you see how not a single person from high school, including your own boyfriend, wants to hang out with me. I was scared, and hearing anyone else’s opinion on how I should approach talking about what happened…”
Nia’s voice was still full of concern. As Kara expected, there was no judgment when she spoke. And Kara wasn’t stupid. She knew Nia had to have some opinion on what happened eight years ago. But she never said it aloud. She never lectured Kara or gave her that look of condemnation everyone else did. Her and Sam were the only friends that Kara kept in touch with while she was in Midvale, and through all eight years of her being gone, Nia never said a word. Even as Kara sat on the phone crying because of how heartbroken she was, Nia never brought up that it was her fault.
“How bad was the fight?”
“The fight?” Kara mocked laughter. “It was bad because there was no fight. I got there and her receptionist called and said, ‘Kara Danvers is here for you’, and she just let me in. She was so civil that I had to ask if she knew who I was.”
“You did not ask that,” Nia gave her a pity laugh. “Of course she knows who you are, Kara.”
“Yeah, well… She was just so nice. I thought maybe she thought I was someone else. I mean, in high school I always wore contacts, so I thought maybe the glasses threw her off. But she very quickly reassured me that wasn’t the case and she knew exactly who I was.”
“Well, yeah, glasses aren’t the greatest disguise,” Nia tried to joke around. When Kara didn’t laugh, her voice was soft and gentle. “Are you okay?”
Kara thought about it. She thought about the previous night and how she was envisioning every possible scenario in her head and the reality didn’t match any of them.
“I wish she would’ve yelled at me,” Kara admitted. “Or turned me away, or made a scene, or something. Just some kind of reaction. I mean, I was literally trembling from anxiety and she was calm and steady the entire time. She didn’t falter at all.”
Nia knowingly challenged Kara to the truth. “Do you really think she’d show you if she was anxious? I know you haven’t been here for a while, but you were her best friend for seventeen years - the love of her life even. And I know it’s been a while, but she’s still Lena Luthor. We all know in tense situations she’s the calm one. She doesn’t show when she’s anxious or scared or sad to anyone, nevermind the people that caused that distress. Of course , she acted fine.”
Kara shook her head. “She’s just never had those walls up with me. Not in my whole time of knowing her.”
“I know, but things are different now. It’s been nearly a decade, and I mean…”
That was the closest Nia had gotten to bringing up the truth.
“I know what I did was wrong,” Kara finished her thought.
“I’ll never judge you for it. You know that. But your relationship with Lena is going to be different this time. You’re not in kindergarten anymore where you can just make up and pretend it never happened. If you want her forgiveness you’re going to have to work for it.”
“I don’t know if I have that in me,” Kara confessed. “I can’t even think about what I did for too long without feeling this panic inside of me and every time I see her it just… brings me back.”
Nia understood that too, meekly offering, “No one’s saying you need to be friends with her again.”
“I know. I know,” Kara wrapped her blankets tighter around her, as if they’d offer more protection from the cold world surrounding her. “I just didn’t know being back would be this hard.”
“You want to know the problem behind all that?” Nia asked, expanding the question even further when she was done. “Do you want to know the problem that all of you are having with you being back? Because I can tell you.”
Kara wasn’t so sure she wanted to know, but she bit the bait anyway. “Please, tell me, Wise One. What’s the problem?”
“Every single one of you is still pretending this wound is a scar when it’s back to being a fresh cut in need of stitches,” Nia analyzed the situation with confidence. “You, James, Lucy, Brainy, Winn - all of you. Even Lena. You’re acting like this thing was so minuscule and that everyone has already dealt with it and moved on and things are better now but none of you gave yourselves time to heal. I mean, it was seventeen years’ worth of friendship down the drain with all of them. And none of you have fully processed what happened.”
“C’mon,” Kara rolled her eyes. “We’ve all processed it. I certainly have! I cried to you all the time those first few weeks.”
“It’s easy to think you’re over a situation when you leave everyone involved,” Nia gently rebuked. “I’m not saying that to rub that in your face, I’m just trying to make you see that you never fully faced what happened. I know you regret it and hate what you did, but you’ve never faced any of them. And they spent the past eight years pretending you never existed because it was easier than facing that you chose to leave. But now that you’re back, they have to face you again too. You guys can’t keep pretending like you’ve all dealt with it already.”
Kara thought about it. She didn’t want it to be true - she wasn’t totally sure that it was - but she was willing to admit that Nia might have a point. “Is that why none of them will see me?”
“I mean - yeah,” Nia gave in. “They’re all hurting too. Just like you. And with Lena’s diagnosis, they’re really protective. The timing is bad. And I know that wasn’t intentional, but still..”
Kara laughed a little, not quite believing that one. “Speaking of, how could they just not tell me Lena has cancer? I mean… I was her person. She was my whole world. We were unstoppable and supposed to be together for eternity. And no one mentioned it. Not once.” Kara was quiet for a moment but then she finished her thought. She had to get it out. “Not even you.”
“Things are different,” Nia reminded her again. “I wanted to tell you. I did. But when Lena found out a month ago, she was crystal clear to all of us that she didn’t want you to know.”
That one hurt. The fact that it was Lena who didn’t want her to know about the cancer was unexpected. It felt like she was hit by a bus.
“So, she thought it’d be better to find out from an unreliable tabloid at my job?”
Nia sighed. “Well, she didn’t expect it to leak.”
“So, what?” Kara couldn’t hide her pain. “The plan was for her to just go through cancer without me ever finding out?”
Nia was silent, not arguing reality. “They’re all hurting too.”
“Yeah, well, they do a pretty good job at hiding it.”
“Yeah, well, they all gather in my apartment where they shit-talk you to feel better about themselves,” Nia was blunt as she mimicked her.
But to Kara, that was unexpected news. “They talk shit about me?”
“I - well - yeah,” Nia clearly didn’t think that fact would be so surprising. “They’re upset and it’s easier to be angry and talk shit together than it is to admit how they really feel.”
“Well, how do they really feel?”
Nia was apologetic but firm. “That’s something you’ll have to ask them.”
And there it was. Another moment Kara was reminded that Nia was the middle man. She wasn’t going to get involved. She’d be Kara’s friend. She’d comfort her and hang out and laugh until it hurt, but she also wasn’t going to talk about Lena or their other friends in the process. In fact, this was the most Nia had said about the situation in their entire friendship.
“I get it,” Kara gave a defeated sigh.
“I wish I could do more but-“
“No. Thank you for always being there as much as you are,” Kara smiled a little, her voice bashful. “I know being in the middle of all this drama has to be hard, and I know I don’t thank you enough.”
“I know you’re thankful,” Nia promised. “But will you be okay tonight? Do you need me to come over?”
“No. I think I just need time to… process. Figure out what I’m going to do. Where to go from here. I have a lot to think about.”
“Well, if you ever need help, you know where to find me.”
“I do,” Kara promised. “Thank you, Nia.”
“Anything for you.”
xx
The next day, Kara finally got the guts to call Alex. She knew her sister would support her with anything, but she also knew her sister still felt bad about how things ended with Lena. Alex had lost a friend too in the break-up, and while she didn’t show it much, it affected her too. The whole family dynamic shifted. So, it was still a little weird talking about Lena with her. Even after eight years, Alex still sounded… slightly bitter? Yeah. That was probably the best word to describe it. She sounded bitter.
And Kara didn’t know what the bitterness was about. Was she bitter because Kara abandoned everyone or was she bitter because she lost her second sister - Kara didn’t know. She only knew that Alex didn’t always greet her with that same unwavering compassion Nia did when she brought up Lena. Alex wasn’t afraid to call her out. She wasn’t afraid to remind her why her and Lena were on such bad terms.
Even with that being said, whenever her sister answered her phone, Kara’s heart still felt at ease.
“Good morning, Kara,” her sister answered after a few rings, sounding tired and amused. “What can I do for you at 7 AM on a Saturday?”
“Oops,” Kara sheepishly laughed. She hadn’t checked the time. She saw sunshine and had assumed it was nine. Her night felt so long. “Sorry.”
“Oh, no, it’s okay. I really am intrigued. What could be going on where the one and only Kara Danvers is missing an opportunity to sleep in?”
Kara shook her head at Alex’s antics. She hesitated as the words got stuck in her throat, then she finally said it aloud. “I had to interview Lena for work yesterday.”
“Oh,” Alex was clearly taken aback. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Or trying to be. I talked to Nia and she helped. But…”
“But…?” Alex coaxed.
“I don’t know,” Kara sighed, not wanting to get into the woes that had kept her up all night. “It’s hard.”
“Seeing her again?”
“Being back in general,” Kara corrected. Then she grimaced. “But yeah, seeing her again was hard too.”
Alex was quiet for a moment, then articulated her question with gentleness despite the harsh content. “After all that’s happened, did you really think coming back would be easy?”
And maybe Kara was completely up her own ass, but yeah. She did. She thought it would be easy. She knew Lena would be mad but she didn’t expect this kind of reaction. She didn’t expect to be socially exiled from the only place that felt like home.
“I’m sorry,” Alex must have realized her mistake. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I’m not sure,” Kara said her famous last words. “I guess, I just didn’t expect everyone to still be so angry. I mean, sure, I knew me and Lena would take time - if we ever work out our issues to begin with. And Brainy has always been Lena’s friend. We were never close. But James and Lucy and Winn… They won’t even give me a chance, and I’ve known them since kindergarten.”
“Do you want the truth or do you want me to say what you want to hear?”
Kara internally braced herself. She went to Nia last night because she needed to hear what she wanted to hear. She wasn’t so sure Alex even had that setting. So, she ripped off the band-aid. “The truth.”
“They gave you a chance for years . You just never came back. You never returned their texts, their calls, you never even replied to their comments on Facebook. And I know you want that to be history, but you can’t just come back from that and act like everything’s fine.”
“I was embarrassed. I was ashamed and scared. I-”
“I know,” Alex promised. “I get why you did what you did. But that doesn’t erase the fact that it happened. And your friends have the right to be a little pissed about it.”
Kara shut her eyes, trying to block out the pain. “I never meant to hurt them.”
Alex was quiet. As in, silent, which never happened. Then she spoke up again, this time more hesitant and unsure of herself. Finally, she nearly whispered, “But how could you expect them not to be hurt by what you did? I know you regret it but you leaving hit everyone harder than you could ever imagine.”
Kara sighed, completely stumped by being so raucously called out. “I guess I just thought that I’d get back and everyone would be over it.”
“Kara, I’m not fully over it, and I only got half the brutality you gave them,” Alex was honest with her for the first time. “I get that you regret what you did but… you cut me and mom out of your life for three years . No calls. No texts. No visiting on the holidays. Nothing. And when you came back we welcomed you with open arms because that’s what family’s for but with them…” Alex paused. “You cut them out of your life and never reached out again. And I don’t think you ever thought that you’d have to face what you did. But coming back and living here again - it’s going to take work to patch things up.”
“Yeah. They’ve all made that clear,” Kara grimaced. She still wasn’t sure if she was ready.
“Do you want to?” It was like Alex could read her mind. “Do you want to fix things?”
“I don’t know. I do but I wouldn’t even know where to start. Who to talk to first. I don’t know anything about them anymore.”
“Well, I can tell you who to start with because I know the weakest link, but you’re not going to like my answer.”
“I’m fine.”
“No,” Alex defied her. “You’re not going to like it.”
“Give me your best shot.”
“Okay. Lena,” Alex said the name that made Kara ache again. “She’s the one who’s the most pissed off but after all you guys have been through, she’s still the most likely to break down and forgive you the quickest.”
“You really think so?” Kara laughed at the absurdity. “You clearly didn’t see her yesterday. She wouldn’t let me get a word in when she realized I was trying to apologize.”
“You surprised her at work, Kara,” Alex was firm in her words. “Of course that was the case.”
“Okay, well, I don’t know her address. Where am I supposed to surprise her, if not at work?”
“Well, she still goes to Al’s,” Alex offered. “I see her and your old posse there all the time. Maybe that’s the starting point.”
Kara thought about it. She knew getting her friends back would be hard and exhausting and the most terrifying thing she’d have to do, but she also knew she needed to do it. Until her friends trusted her again, National City wasn’t National City. It wasn’t home.
“But are you sure Lena is the best one to start with?” Kara was doubtful. “I mean, Lucy was always easy to talk to. Or Winn! He always had a bit of a crush on me back in the day.”
“Things have changed, though,” Alex reminded Kara for the billionth time. “Especially now that she has cancer, they’re protective over her. I mean, when you left, she… They’re just protective. And from what I’ve seen in the distance, none of them are going to let you in until Lena gives them permission to do so.”
Kara didn’t know if she wanted to know, but she had to ask anyway. She knew Alex didn’t mean to bring it up, but she had. Kara heard it, despite the quick shift in subject. “What was she like? After I left and all.”
“I think that’s something you’ll have to ask her,” Alex shot the question down. “A lot of this conversation are all things you need to tell her.”
“But she won’t get it,” Kara fought. “She doesn’t get that I’m sorry.”
“She doesn’t get it, or she doesn’t accept it?” Alex asked. “Those are two very different things.”
Kara was quiet. She didn’t know which it was. She just knew things weren’t how she left them. And this wasn’t what she expected to come back to. And if she was really honest, some days she wished she had never come back at all. Every day she thought of booking a flight back to Midvale. Every single day.
“You really think I should start with Lena?” she finally slouched her shoulders in defeat.
“I do,” Alex confirmed. “Besides, she’s the person who deserves it the most. Don’t you think?”
Kara’s heart sank. She definitely thought. “Yeah. She does.”
But seeing Lena wouldn’t be as easy as it sounded. Because Kara had seen Lena and she learned the power her ex-girlfriend still held. Lena had every opportunity to rip her to shreds in that interview yet she was nothing but polite and kind. Even when she could’ve gotten ugly, she kept it professional the whole time. If roles were reversed, Kara was certain that she wouldn’t have been able to do the same.
And sure, Nia was probably right. Acting perfectly fine was Lena’s defense mechanism. But when she was acting to that extent Kara also knew it would take a lot to break her down. She just hoped it wouldn’t take forever.
Before they hung up, Kara couldn’t help but turn to her sister for comfort. “I just hope she’s okay. I mean, cancer - that’s big. Huge. And I hope she has people to talk to.”
“I’m sure she does,” Alex calmed her nerves. “As I said, James, Lucy, Winn, Brainy - they’re all by her side.”
“Yeah,” Kara thought it through. “Yeah, you’re right. And when I interviewed her she seemed in good spirits and at peace with it. I guess it’s a good prognosis.”
“That’s great,” Alex agreed. “Then you have all the time in the world to set things right.”
xx
It took a week for Kara to actually follow through with her plan of seeing Lena at Al’s. She wanted to say she was busy, but in reality, she was just scared. She knew when Lena’s untouchable act was over it would get ugly and Kara wasn’t so sure she was ready. But eventually, she realized she never would be. Years could pass, and she’d still never be ready to see Lena upset over something she had done.
When she walked in the following Saturday, the bar was dimly lit and exactly as she remembered it. People were scattered at various tables and her eye caught sight of Lena’s immediately. Kara had expected her to be there alone, so the fact that everyone else was also sitting there was terrifying. But she had to take the risk. She had to suck up her pride and finally talk to Lena.
So, figuring there was nothing left to lose, Kara walked over to their booth with her head held high. She didn’t look at anyone else, only focusing on Lena.
“Can I talk to you?”
Lena looked around as if there was someone else Kara was making direct eye contact with, then eventually turned back to her. “About what?”
“I just want to talk,” Kara stayed vague.
Lena didn’t look at their other friends, just letting the two of their eyes linger for a moment. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
“Please,” Kara pled. “I need to talk to you.”
“She said no,” James was quick to defend her.
Kara didn’t say another word. She wasn’t there to upset anyone. But she knew Lena would understand her silent communication, so she just stood there, staring at Lena and begging her to let them have a private conversation without saying a word.
“If I talk, will you go?” she was blunt about her reasoning. “You won’t cause a scene?”
“Just hear me out and I’ll be out of your hair,” Kara promised.
Lena closed her eyes, still refusing to look at their friends who were all staring worriedly at her. “Fine. But whatever you have to say, it’s not going to mean anything to me.”
The words stung, but Kara knew they were warranted. “Thanks for listening anyway, then.”
As Lena moved to get out of the booth, Lucy gently grabbed her wrist. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. It’s just Kara,” Lena shrugged as if it meant nothing when they all knew it meant everything.
The friends that Kara used to call her own clearly weren’t happy, but they also couldn’t exactly force Lena not to speak to her. Still, after seeing their defensiveness, Kara could see why Alex thought Lena would be the weak link. There was no way any of them would talk to her without Lena approving the conversation.
“Can we go outside?” Kara asked. “It’s just loud and I have a lot I want to say.”
“Sure,” Lena easily agreed. “Whatever’s best.”
Kara sighed as she led them out of the bar. She hadn’t missed the fact that Lena’s untouchable act was back, front and center.
When they were outside, Kara thought it’d be easy to say everything she’d been dying to say, but instead, she paused. She couldn’t help but stare at the girl in front of her. She was still beautiful, but she looked tired. And sad. And thin. For the first time, she could see how Lena looked sick.
“Is there anything you brought me out here for, or?”
Kara whipped out of her trance, smiling nervously, fiddling with her hands. “I thought it’d be easy to just let it all out but… it’s not. I have so much I want to say and I don’t know where to start.”
Lena waited for her to expand, but when there was still silence, she motioned back to the bar. “Well, if you want to reschedule, my friends are waiting, so-”
“I’m sorry,” Kara finally got it out. She took a deep breath, then looked Lena in the eye. “That’s what I want to say. I am so, so, so sorry.”
Lena looked back at her, still keeping that stoic expression plastered on her face to cover up whatever she was actually feeling. “Thank you for your apology.”
“I’m serious,” Kara promised. “I regret leaving you more than anything.”
Lena laughed a little, shaking her head at the vagueness. “I appreciate that but we both know it was about more than you leaving.”
Kara stared back, nodding in agreement. “I know. I know the timing was bad and-”
“The timing was bad?” That minuscule sentence was the trigger that was needed to let the real Lena loose. To take away the nonchalance and display her actual emotions. And despite the fact that Kara had been wanting to see her reaction, when she did she wanted to put it back. “You left without warning after the most traumatic event of my life. The timing was more than bad .”
“I know. And I can’t tell you how ashamed I am.”
“In your eyes, what happened?” Lena crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m just curious to know your side of the story.”
“I know I’m the villain in our story,” Kara promised.
“Well, that part is obvious. But I want to hear it from you as to why you’re the villain.”
Kara froze in place. She expected a lot of things, but she didn’t expect a pop quiz. “Well, you were in a rough place. I know that. If I’m really honest, you were at rock bottom. And I didn’t tell anyone I was applying to jobs across the country until one day I just announced I’d be leaving the next morning. And I did. And I haven’t contacted any of you since.”
The story was hard to tell and Kara knew she was leaving out key details, but she didn’t expect the shortened version to set Lena on fire. Her laugh was filled with sarcasm at how uncomical the story was.
“I was in a rough place?” she mocked. “Kara, I was at rock bottom because my dad died . We had just graduated and I was working in a mid-level position at Luthor Corp and then my dad was murdered by my brother. Thinking about it still brings up flashbacks. I’m clinically diagnosed with PTSD from the trauma of it all. And, funny enough, not all the trauma is from my dad being murdered, because two months into grieving the most important person to ever exist in my life just… up and left? And when I tried to reach out my number was blocked?” Lena incredulously retold the story. “You blocked me from every social media platform. You cut me off in every way when I needed not only my girlfriend, but my best friend the most,” Lena spoke with the anger Kara had been expecting in their interview. “You knew him,” she accused. “You grew up with him too. You were the only one who knew what my dad was like and how close we were and how complicated my relationship with my family is. You’re the only one who knew about Lex and how crazy him and my mom are. And not only did Lex kill my dad, but the company went to me. He left Luthor Corp for me in his will. And I wasn’t prepared for that. I didn’t want a company - I was just twenty-one! It was barely legal for me to buy alcohol. I was scared and sad and in such a dark place yet I had to learn how to run a company by myself while crying my eyes out every night and you just… didn’t care. You left me and never once looked back.”
“That’s not true-”
“No,” she cut her off. “It is. Because even when you did come back to National City, you didn’t come to see me. You didn’t come to apologize then. The only reason you came to see me was because your job forced you to.”
Kara had tears in her eyes. And she couldn’t argue it. Not a single word. All of it was true. “I made the biggest mistake of my life. I know that. But I thought it was what was best for you. It killed me to leave, but I thought I was making your life better.”
“How?” Lena’s eyes were wide, her words coming out faster than ever. “Enlighten me with how you could possibly have been making my life any better.”
“Nothing I did was working,” Kara tried to explain in a distress of her own. “I wanted to help you and be the glue that held you together like you were for me when my dad died but I just couldn’t. I kept trying and trying and I couldn’t fix anything. Nothing I did made you happy. We were either fighting or you were so distant that you seemed to forget I existed. I mean, some days I’d talk to you and it was like you didn’t even realize I was there. So, yeah, I thought maybe I didn’t mean that much to you anymore. I thought you wanted someone better. That you deserved someone better. Someone who could fix it for you the way you fixed it for me and my family. And I know there were better ways to handle it now, but at the time I was young and stupid, and I did what I thought was best for the both of us.”
Lena looked to the sky with rage but took a deep breath and seemed to gain a little more composure. “If I wanted someone better, I would’ve told you. That wasn’t your decision to make.”
“I know. I just-” Kara shook her head. “That wasn’t how it seemed at the time. I mean, I would bend over backwards to try and get you to at least notice me and you-”
“I was grieving,” Lena quickly defended herself. “I had just lost my dad, my brother was in jail for murdering said dad, and I somehow inherited a multi-billion dollar company that I never wanted in the first place!” Lena put two fingers on the bridge of her nose. “It wasn’t about you, Kara.”
“And looking back that’s obvious - hindsight is 20/20. But at the time-”
“At the time, I was broken. Shattered. I had no idea what to do. The only thing I knew was that I had you. And did I take you for granted? Yes. Sure. And I deeply regret that, I do. But it still doesn’t justify that you moved across the country without warning and completely cut me off.”
Kara wanted to continue explaining, but she also knew eventually she’d have to stop justifying it. “I know. You’re right.”
“And I was there for you,” Lena brought up what Kara had vaguely mentioned before. Her voice was full of accusation and anger. “You think you were magically healed two months after your dad died? Because I was there and I assure you that you weren’t even close. You were still torn apart too - and your dad wasn’t murdered by your psychotic brother. It took you almost a year to fully process it, and you gave me two months. The most traumatic thing in the world happened, and I got two whole months. And even worse, you didn’t even tell me there was a deadline. You didn’t tell me you were going to leave. It was just, ‘Well, Lena isn’t better, so I guess she’d be better off without me and I should move across the country and never talk to her again,’” Lena summarized. “It wasn’t fair, Kara. It wasn’t fair for any of us, but it especially wasn’t fair for me.”
“I know, and I’m trying to apologize-”
“Which is why I said ‘thank you for your apology’,” Lena acknowledged, bringing them back full circle. “You need to realize you can’t fix this. At least, not in one conversation. You fucked me up so bad and I can’t just let that go because you feel bad about it eight years later.”
“I’ve felt bad about it every day since it happened.”
“Maybe so. But I wouldn’t know, would I?”
Kara was silent.
“For seventeen years, you fed me this bullshit that we’d be together for eternity. Forever and ever and ever and shit. And that made me feel so good, so lucky, so safe. And then you just - it was like none of that meant anything to you when it meant everything to me. Forever and ever wasn’t some childish expression. I meant it every time.”
“And I meant it too! When I said forever and ever , I never planned-”
“But you did, didn’t you?” Lena’s eyes pierced hers with a fire Kara had never seen directed at her. “It doesn’t matter if you didn’t plan for it to be a meaningless phrase or if you didn’t mean to hurt me or if you had good intentions. I understand that none of it was planned. But what happened still happened, whether it was planned or not. And what happened almost killed me, so forgive me if I can’t risk letting that happen a second time. Especially not now when I have... “ Lena trailed off. “When I have so much going on.”
And Lena didn’t need to say the word for Kara to grasp the meaning. Especially not now when she has cancer. The words were heard loud and clear.
“Well, I’m going to keep trying,” Kara warned. “Because I want this to work. I miss you and I want to be friends again because you were my rock. So, even if you want to hate me, I’m not going to hate you.”
Lena’s face softened, yet somehow she didn’t look any less mad as sarcasm dripped from her voice. “How big of you to not hate me. Thank you for being so gracious.”
And Kara wanted to bring up that their break-up wasn’t completely her fault again. She wanted to bring up how Lena treated her like absolute garbage near the end of their relationship. But she didn’t have it in her to bring up the harsh reality of how things really were back then. So, for now, she’d let it go. She’d let this be one-sided. She’d let Lena be the victim, just like she had done the past eight years.
But in reality, there were two sides to every story. And while Kara knew she fucked up more, Lena still made mistakes of her own. And they were mistakes Kara hadn’t told anyone about. Not Nia, not Alex, not their friends. She walked away and left Lena unscathed. But eventually, Lena would have to face the truth. She’d have to face that she contributed to their ending too. But Kara didn’t have it in her to bring it up. It was easier to let people think everything was her fault than it was to explain what really happened. Because explaining what really happened was more than Kara could handle. She’d rather live in Lena’s version of events.
“We’re going to need to talk about this at some point,” Kara told her.
“There’s really nothing left to talk about, now is there?”
Kara shrugged. She wanted to argue. But again, she didn’t have it in her. “I guess not.”
Lena nodded as if she’d won. “Then if you don’t mind, I’ll be going back to my friends.”
Kara’s nose flared as she held back tears but she nodded, gesturing for her to go.
And as Lena hastily walked away, Kara could tell right then and there that one day everything would come out in the ugliest way. She didn’t know when. She didn’t know how. But when it did, it was going to be catastrophic.
But for now, she’d let Lena simmer down. She’d go home. She’d sulk alone. And she’d think about how to fix this. Because maybe she really was just too naive, but something in her told her there had to be a way. She just had to find it.