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He says he is ready.
I am never ready for this, but I tell him it's okay.
He smiles, easily seeing through my deception and forgiving it. He knows I will be brave and wait patiently for him to return. He expects me to understand and I try to, I think I may have in the past but now I struggle. I don't understand.
Not when it comes to the demon inside.
.
I don't want him to leave. I always fear he won't return to me.
What if this time he doesn't?
Sometimes I wait alone and the time passes and there is nothing I can do. Twice his friends were almost too late to bring him back, and still I could do nothing to help.
I fear it.
.
Not for long, he tells me.
It's not the first time he has promised me that.
Not that he lies. He believes that to be the truth. But sometimes it's not his choice to make.
The demon has its own plans.
.
Not for long, I agree solemnly.
He would not choose this. It is put upon him.
He would never choose this life with its darkness and horrors. He is a free spirit chained down by necessity.
I love him but I hate this.
.
I watch as he disappears.
In his place, there is now only the demon I despise.
Meister is a weapon that I know we need, but I resent him and what he does to the mech I love. As he leaves he stares at me and I sneer back. He hates me, I know.
If not for me he would be free more often.
.
Waiting for his return is painful.
Time passes so slowly, every moment filled with fears.
I am far too adept at considering every awful possibility and although I appear outwardly calm I am inwardly filled with turmoil.
I cannot rest until he returns.
.
I'm back, he tells me.
He speaks of details that I will later want to hear, but for now all I hear are those words.
He's back, but it's not enough. I want this to stop, I want him to stop leaving. I'm desperate, though I try to hide it, and he smiles sadly at me, kissing me gently and making a promise I don't think he can keep.
I won't go.
.
He has told me but I am sceptical.
He suggests we go to Ratchet for confirmation.
The idea soothes me and I agree eagerly. When we arrive Ratchet is waiting for us. He is very busy today, with several others clustered round, but he immediately stops what he is doing when he sees us.
And suddenly I am falling.
Jazz folded his arms tightly across his chest, waiting. The scans had taken longer than he thought they would, but finally Ratchet roused from his inward focus.
"Well?"
The medic sighed.
"There's still nothing I can find. Whatever is causing this must be processor-based, not hardware, and I've told you that before. Processor issues aren't easy to fix and we still don't really know what happened to him. He hasn't said anything?"
"Nothin' helpful. He still thinks we're in some kinda war an' he's a battle strategist. When I leave the apartment he thinks he's sendin' me on missions an' he gets frightened I won't come back."
"The Enforcers haven't got any leads yet on what happened to him?"
Jazz scowled.
"They finally admitted he was doin' undercover work at the time, like I didn't already know that. That's the most I can get out of'em other'n condolences. Frag it, I don't want their sympathies, I want my Prowler back! I want him t'stop thinkin' I turn inta some kinda monster when I transform for my stage performances. He's afraid of me! Me! Primus bless, doc, I'm an actor, I take on different roles all the time but it's still me underneath. Where's all this fear this comin' from?"
Ratchet frowned, tapping a finger absently against the surface of the berth.
"You realise we may never actually be able to fix this." he said finally.
Jazz flinched.
"There must be somethin'. We can't keep livin' like this."
"Is he continuing with his therapy sessions with Smokescreen?"
"Yeah but he doesn't take'em seriously. He thinks it's some hypothetical thing Smokey's tryin' out."
Ratchet looked at him pensively.
"If we can't fix it, what's your priority?"
"Whaddaya mean?"
"I'm just thinking. If we can't find the source, and we can't resolve it, maybe we can ease his anxieties."
"How?"
"You told me he's fitted all of your friends and neighbours into his delusion."
"He thinks the building owner is the leader of the enemy faction, and our Seeker neighbours are high ranking enemy soldiers." Jazz agreed tightly. "So?"
"What if the war were to end? What if the two 'leaders' were to call a truce? A peace treaty?"
I wake.
He is there, smiling down at me.
I'm confused, and ask if he wasn't the one who was supposed to end up on the medical berth. He laughs and tells me off for not resting as I should.
It's normal.
.
We leave with Ratchet watching on.
The medic looks worried but Jazz is happy so I am not concerned.
We take a long drive, pausing at the crystal gardens and watching the sparklings play. Isn't it peaceful, Jazz comments and I have to agree.
We travel on.
.
Outside our home, an unlikely scene.
Our leader, and the enemy, and a huge crowd.
We have missed something significant, I realise, and hurry to the side of the Prime. He welcomes me and explains the war has ended in a truce.
Peace has returned.
.
I stumble back.
It's a trap, it can't be true.
Everyone watches me worriedly, but I'm anxious. This is not real and I won't be fooled. Jazz reaches for me but it cannot be Jazz, not my Jazz. Meister has controlled him
I pull away and flee.
.
On the run.
Faster and faster, desperate.
Suddenly I miss a turn, I'm going too fast, the barrier on the bridge is not high enough to save me at this speed. I fall, hearing Jazz's screams in the distance. A flash of pain, then...
Nothing.
I wake.
Something is wrong.
Jazz is hovering anxiously, desperately upset, static marring his speech. Something about a war? Melodramatic mech that my singer-lover-mate is, always overreacting. My job is not that dangerous, I'm merely an Enforcer.
I sit up and kiss him and reassure him.
There is nothing wrong that we cannot face together, and there's most certainly no war to be concerned about.
He is distraught, and I pull him onto the berth beside me, calmly answering Ratchet's questions.
No, my legs are not hurting. Yes, my processor is aching slightly but it's bearable. Yes I know who he is, he is the senior medic at our neighbourhood clinic. And that is our neighbour Starscream and the gardener Orion and the building owner Megatron.
What happened to me?
It's difficult to recall, but I speak of what I can remember.
I was undercover. I tried to access a database I suspected held data on some shady dealings. There was a virus and I think it got through my firewalls.
That's all the detail I can give but Ratchet smiles and says it makes sense.
Then he asks one more question. Do I know who Meister is?
The name means nothing to me.
Satisfied, Ratchet sends us home.
He says he is ready.
I smile and kiss him for good luck.
I love him in his showtime guise, and kiss him again more passionately and promise to be waiting up when he gets home. He is reassured and relaxes. As he turns away I feel a strange moment of disorientation - a memory of fear? - but it fades again just as quickly. All is well. Jazz is doing what he loves, I have a novel to read, and he will soon be home again.
No need to worry.