Work Text:
5000 Different Ways
[Living Room, Niall's Apartment, 11:35 AM, Book Talk]
[HARRY has LOUIS' head in lap, running his fingers through his hair. NIALL is watching them, while sitting on ZAYN's feet who's asleep next to him on the couch. LIAM in the adjacent hammock, scrolling through his iPad.]
HARRY:(sighs) "Having a sudden day off can be boring."
LOUIS: (yawns) "I agree."
HARRY: "Hmm..."
LOUIS: (whines) "Don't stop doing what you're doing."
HARRY: (smiles, chuckles) "Sorry, Your Highness." (massages Louis' scalp again)
NIALL: (eyeing them, singing) "Don't stop, doing what you're doing. Every time you move to the beat, it gets harder for me and you know it, know it, know it."
HARRY: (narrows eyes) "Niall."
NIALL: (mimicks) "Harry."
LOUIS: "Totally ruined the moment, plonker."
NIALL: What? I was genuinely appreciating 5SOS for their splendid music. (gapes when Louis and Harry glance at him skeptically) "Seriously!"
LOUIS: (snorts) "Keep telling yourself that."
LIAM: "Have you guys seen this?" (passes iPad to Harry, Louis sits up)
HARRY: (reads aloud) "'HARRY STYLES FANFICTION TO GO HOLLYWOOD' Huh?"
NIALL: (widens eyes) "Tell me that's After! It's got be After!"
LIAM: "After what?"
LOUIS: (scrolls down, reads out) "I dunno, it says something about an Anna Todd and-"
NIALL: (shouts) "Aha! I knew it! I knew this was going to happen."
LIAM: "What was going to happen?"
HARRY: (deadpans) "Shut the hell up, Niall."
NIALL: "There's no denying it, mate. It's all the smut that's got it this far."
LOUIS: (confused, frustrated) "Can somebody tell me what's going on?"
LIAM: "Smut?"
NIALL: After had to have some kind of fame. It's because of the smut, obviously. Smut is always addicting."
LOUIS: "What after?"
HARRY: (groans) "Stop."
LIAM: "Will someone tell me who's smut?"
NIALL: (tsks) "Not who, you oblivious bugger, it's a what. Smut is a textual sex scene."
LOUIS: "Um..."(unsure) "So what about textual sex scenes?"
LIAM: "You're not making-" (shifts gaze) "Harry, you alright? You look-"
HARRY: (incredulous) "I can't deal with this on top of everything. This is going to haunt me. For life."
LIAM: (eyes Niall suspiciously) "What's the big deal?"
NIALL: "After is a fanfiction on Harry that got famous-"
HARRY: "One of the worst too."
LOUIS: "You've read it?"
HARRY: (sighs) "Unfortunately, yes."
NIALL: "Harry's a womaniser in it."
LOUIS: (shocked) "What?"
LIAM: "Does seem like a big deal."
NIALL: (gets excited) "Basically, Tessa's like this naive girl who Harry falls for. He doesn't do love, but it just happens with her, you know."
LOUIS: (raises an eyebrow at Harry) "Tessa?"
HARRY: (big, forlorn eyes) "Don't look at me that way! I didn't write it, nor did I enact it."
ZAYN: (groggy, eyes closed) "Harry's gay, stupid."
HARRY: "Bisexual!" (murmurs to himself) "You guys never listen."
NIALL: (jumps) "Scared me there, mate."
ZAYN: (sits up, mutters) "Couldn't stay asleep with you crooning about heterosexual fanfictions."
LIAM: (muses) "Sounds cliche."
NIALL: "It still went famous though." (thinks for a while, cross) "I'm the one who challenges Harry to take Tessa's virginity...that part sucks."
LOUIS: "Excuse me?" (gapes) "You asked Harry to take what?"
HARRY: (slaps palm to forehead) "Relax, Lou, it's all in the book. I did nothing."
LIAM: "And why exactly did you do that?"
NIALL: "Because apparently, I'm an idiot." (adds on after thought) "In the book, I mean."
LIAM: (rolls eyes) "Poor you."
NIALL: "You aren't less either. You're Tessa's best friend who's hardly around, because half the time, they're having sex. But, you come out of nowhere and take beatings for her. Just because Harry's your arrogant step-brother."
ZAYN: (warning) "Niall-"
LIAM: (scrunches nose) "Harry's my stepbrother."
NIALL: "A very arrogant one that keeps breaking hearts and acts like a complete douchebag."
HARRY: (groans) "Niall, I'm right here, ya know."
LOUIS: (ignores Harry) "What about me?"
HARRY: "Et tu, Brute!"
NIALL: "You..." (trails off, shrugs) "You're not there."
LOUIS: "Not there?"
NIALL: "You come like, once in a blue moon."
LOUIS: (mutters) "Harry gets a whole book, a whole fanfiction written on him and I don't even get a side role for being his boyfriend?"
HARRY: "Four books, actually."
LIAM: (amused) "Four books? Like four loaded full-fledged whole books?"
HARRY & NIALL: (in unison) "Yup."
ZAYN: "We should stop talking about this."
LIAM: "What about Zayn?"
ZAYN: "I'm the guy who keeps hitting on Tessa."
LOUIS: (moans) "Please tell me you haven't read this book too."
ZAYN: "Doniya made me read it. Thought it was a joke, but I was the one who ended up with nightmares."
NIALL: "C'mon, Zayn, don't tell me you don't like romance eroticas."
HARRY & ZAYN: (in unison) "No!"
HARRY: "It's kind of uncomfortable to read about people's sex life."
NIALL: "It's technically yours."
HARRY: (rushes) "I'm not the one exhibiting it." (glances at Louis) "Look, you're making Louis feel bad."
LOUIS: "You're not. I'm just shocked over the knowledge you have on this."
LIAM: "Wait, so, me and Louis are the only ones who haven't read it?"
ZAYN: (corrects) "Louis and I, Liam."
LIAM: "Whatever, Grammar Nazi."
LOUIS: "I'm quite glad I haven't, actually."
ZAYN: "Trust me, you wouldn't want to."
LIAM: (nonchalently) "I've heard that eroticas are steamy, I might just try one. 50 Shades of Gray got a lot of name."
HARRY: "Why, Liam?" (mocking, smirks) "You want to read it because you don't get action of your own?"
LIAM: "Bugger off, Mr. I'm-Loud-In-Bed."
LOUIS: (low) "I get credit for that, don't I?"
ZAYN: "Boys, shut up. I do not want to know about either of your sex lives." (sullen) "I already know too much."
NIALL: "There...done!"
LIAM: "What's done?"
NIALL: "I ordered the book set for you on eBay."
ZAYN: "Yeah, right." (scoffs) "You bought the whole Harry Potter series two years ago. You haven't even touched it."
NIALL: "Nope, I ordered the After series for you lot to read."
HARRY: "Niall! You didn't!"
NIALL: "Oh, but I did."
ZAYN: (groans) "Do we have to have another dosage of that load of hell?"
HARRY: (speechless) "I...w-what? Did you- you had to?"
LOUIS: "Babe, calm down. They're just books."
HARRY: "They're not just books, Louis. They're nightmares."
LIAM: "You're just exaggerating. You all are one dramatic lot."
ZAYN: (forlorn) "You know nothing, Liam."
LIAM: "I know enough. They're fanfiction. Fanfiction is basically harmless."
ZAYN: "You know nothing about fanfiction in general."
HARRY: "I second that."
LIAM: (curt) "I've actually read my share of Larry ones."
HARRY: "People can never get tired of reading about us falling in love in 5000 different ways."
LOUIS: (smirks) "Of course...seeing as to how you love us. And our relationship."
HARRY: "You know...admitting it, the Larry fanfictions are always the best ones."
LOUIS: (intertwines fingers with Harry) "Really?"
ZAYN: "Before you guys get too sappy and vomit out maple syrup-"
NIALL: (nods) "Yes, actually. Perfect amount of fluff, angst and even smut."
LIAM: "Fluff? Like the teddy-bear stuffing?"
LOUIS: (freezes) "Wait...did you just say you read textual sex scenes based on us." (horrified) "You're disgusting."
ZAYN: (laughs) "If we didn't know Niall better, we'd think that he reads them on a regular basis."
NIALL: (snorts, whips out phone and hands it over) "Say that again."
LIAM: (snatches phone) "What's this? Is this..." (scrolls down) "All of this?"
HARRY: (snatches phone) "What are you on about?" (goggles at screen) "Niall, no. All of these downloaded formats are not fanfiction."
NIALL: (proud) "There very much are."
LOUIS: "Wow, Niall. That's-that's. That somehow touches me."
NIALL: "Can't deny that I'm a number one Larry Shipper."
ZAYN: "You've been spending too much of time on Tumblr."
NIALL & HARRY: (cross, in unison) "Don't blame Tumblr."
LIAM: "I admit, it is addicting."
ZAYN: "Not you too."
LIAM: "You haven't even tried it, Zayn. You'd try it if you loved me."
ZAYN: "I do love you, mate. It's just too much to ask for."
LIAM: (singing) "Is it too much to ask for something great?"
NIALL: "Stop, don't. I can't take this." (feigns tears) "A Larry reference in a Ziam moment."
LOUIS: "Ziam?"
HARRY: (to Louis) "It's a ship between Zayn and Liam. Like Larry."
LOUIS: "I thought it was only us that they ship hardcore."
NIALL: "Well, you're not the only people you are intimate." (eyeing Zayn and Liam) "These two can't keep their hands to themselves."
ZAYN: (huffs) "Actually, looking at it...Liam and I would make a pretty hot couple."
LIAM: "Huh?"
LOUIS: "Uh, yeah?"
LIAM: "You think so, Zayn?"
ZAYN: (intense) "I know so."
NIALL: (sobs dryly) "My poor, poor heart."
ZAYN: (breaks away from moment) "Too bad I have Perrie."
LIAM: "Y-Yeah, like Sophia's there too."
ZAYN: "It'd be you, Liam. If Perrie wasn't, it'd be you."
LIAM: (flustered) "Wha-"
HARRY: (deadpans) "Stop flirting in front of us. It's sickening."
NIALL: (sighs) "I always thought it was Ziall or Niam."
ZAYN: "That's disgusting!"
LOUIS: "Yeah, Niall. You're always going to be single."
NIALL: (wide eyed) "Okay, I'm not hurt. I'm definitely not hurt."
HARRY: "Aw, Niall. Karma's a bitch."
NIALL: (sniffs) "You guys are worse than Marcel fanfiction."
LIAM: "Marcel?"
HARRY: "Like my alter ego from Best Song Ever?"
LOUIS: "Yeah, you looked sexy. So sexy that I wanted to-"
LIAM: (panics) "Okay, you can put the full stop there."
ZAYN: "Please, we don't want to hear the next word. You can just use Niall's spare bedroom."
NIALL: (sniffles) "Forever alone...hate you guys."