Chapter Text
Tony Stark secretly being Crowley who ran away from Britain and went ‘across the pond’ after the whole ‘Tadfield Incident’ (as he calls it), and accidentally finding himself filthy rich, richer than even God (and he should know - he does know, actually, Heaven is freakin’ broke) and living the human life of a sinner.
Except, he’s living it so well, that he… er, sort of, y’know, forgets. That he’s Crowley. That Crowley is him. As in Tony. Stark.
So Tony Stark secretly being Crowley but so secretly even he doesn’t realise it, and instead building weapons after weapons and drinking and partying and being the charming, shark-smiled, business man that he is, and occasionally feeling deja vu when he threatens the satellite he’s building, or the Jericho missile, telling them in no uncertain terms that they should be amazing, and if they don’t garner the sort of awe-struck attention he wants from them, then, well, you’re probably wondering what happened to that last satellite I built, right?
But then he meets Bruce, who he immediately hits it off with, and they’re speaking the same language and perfectly understanding each other and Tony’s (Crowley’s) just in awe at Bruce’s breathtaking anger issues, and Bruce just feels so relaxed and calm around Tony.
Except, y’know, Tony’s Crowley-
and Bruce’s Aziraphale.
And the Hulk? Well, you’ve got to wonder where all that angelic power went off to, right?
So it’s no wonder why the Hulk really likes Tony, or why Tony wears shades all the damn time, even indoors, or why Bruce is so soft spoken and kind but smashes things to a pulp when they need it (because angels are warriors of God, not hymn-singing guardians), or why Tony wears suits like he was born in one, or why his slurring when he’s drunk sounds a lot like hissing, or the fact that he has no Bentley’s in his collection because, “I have a feeling I’ll destroy one for some reason, and that’s a crime, I refuse to do that, nope.”
And they have dinners at fancy restaurants (gravitating to a single one that starts with R and ends in Z), talk about good and evil and the fifty shades of grey (of good and evil that is, not of that terrible book that’s completely human and not from either side of the spiritual war), and occasionally save the world. (Or, in Tony’s case, occasionally make unnecessary enemies that go on to try and destroy said world.)
And then- and then- and then Tony ends in Tennessee with a kid named Harley and suddenly remembers, with a start, another kid, this one named Adam, and Bruce truly begins to understand the Hulk and not hate/be afraid of his alter ego and realises, with a start, that the Hulk is not what he seems (because he’s actually angelic fucking power, and green is the colour of life okay, and angels tend to have little flowers and stuff popping up around their feet whenever they walk, it’s annoying and all Joshua’s fault, ugh.)
So they realise who they are, celebrate that they’ve found each other, get roaring drunk along the way ("The point is- the point is- Dolphins,” - “Yes! It’s been years, why haven’t we figured it out yet?” ), and go on a ride in a Bentley Tony (Crowley) buys right then and there for sentimental values, Freddy Mercury crooning out of the radio about how he doesn’t have a clue if he’s living the sweet life or a fantasy, and halfway through the Bentley explodes into fire and they go cruising through Manhattan in a burning Bentley with Bohemian Rhapsody at full volume, and the rest of the Avengers (and Fury, and Coulson, and Pepper, oh god) hear about it.
And while Fury is shouting about motherfucking imbeciles riding motherfucking cars on motherfucking fire, and Pepper is loudly wondering how on earth they don’t have burns from the fire, what the hell, Tony, Bruce (Aziraphale) spots a red, juicy looking apple sitting in one of those stupid little bowls on Fury’s desk, the ones you just look at but don’t touch, and Tony (Crowley) spots it too, grins because, look, an apple, picks it up, and with Bruce (Aziraphale) rolling his eyes at him, takes a deep, crunching, bite of it.
"There was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it." - Good Omens