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Tic-Tac. Tic-Tac. Tic-Tac.
The second hand of the clock is advancing persistently. Time does not stop and therefore, that annoying sound either. The sound repeats over and over again. Life is full of certainties and this is one of them. Minho blinks. His eyes are red, but it's not just that. No, of course not. Nothing is that simple. His puffy, sad eyes aren't just a side effect of the gloomy April weather. His defeated posture is not due to something as simple as the screams of the neighbors next door.
Raindrops hit his windowpane aggressively just like the thoughts of him hit him. A letter rests on his table. The content in it shouldn't hurt as much, but it does. Minho is far from a boy, but for a moment he feels like one. Lost and unprotected. It's been two years, but he feels like it was yesterday. Minho takes a deep breath in an attempt to hold back his tears. It's a futile attempt and he knows it. The yellowish light from the bulb only increases the dark circles under his eyes and the liquid that emanates from them.
After two years the police finally found Seungmin's body. Kim Seungmin is dead. He is no longer declared missing but dead. The letter from his parents is brief. They know that Minho would ignore a text message, but not a letter. Minho is good at pretending that everything is fine when it isn't. He has been pretending for years that he is okay when everyone knows it is not true.
It is not his fault. He didn't murder Kim Seungmin, but he was that idiot who fought with him before said boy disappeared. The city they used to live in is not big. Rumors spread fast. Many witnessed that fight. Many thought that Minho had reason to kill him. All the evidence however declared him innocent. Minho hates everyone who accused him, but he hates himself the most for arguing with Kim Seungmin. If Kim Seungmin hadn't fought with him that day, everyone would have visited the restaurant that they used to frequent. Seungmin would have stick with them. Seungmin wouldn't be dead.
One of his cats meows. The sound of the cat is buried by the rain and the sobs that come from Minho's mouth. Seungmin would be 19 years old if he were still alive. He would be the age that Minho was when his disappearance occurred.
Kim Seungmin was 17 when he died. That's what Minho wants to believe because the idea that his death has been extended for months makes him sick.
Guilt has been eating him up for years. Hyunjin is a good boy, but he can be quite scathing if he wants it. Minho doesn't blame him. Hyunjin had insisted that he should apologize to Seungmin and go after him, but Lee Minho wasn't about to give in. The news of Seungmin's disappearance took them by surprise, Hyunjin's punch did not.
When something like this happens, it is impossible to continue acting as if someone is not missing. Minho, like a coward, left town to go to college. He hasn't set foot in that city again since he left it. He doesn't have much contact with any of his former friends. Chan sometimes sends him messages reminding him to eat and sleep. Han sometimes sends cat videos to him. He is not able to answer them.
His cell phone rests somewhere in his apartment. Unanswered text messages sit waiting for a respond. Each of them are about the same. Kim Seungmin or to be more precise the ceremony that is going to be hold in his honor. The last message, Hyunjin's, is the one that weighs the most. "You owe him," says the message. Short and clear as only Hwang Hyunjin can be when it comes to serious matter.
Crying does not help at all, but the weight of what he has been holding for years finally overwhelms him. It's easy to pretend that everything is fine while he is in another city far away from his past. The objects are only objects and not memories that link him with Kim Seungmin. Minho breathes slowly when his crying has finally stopped. He doesn't think Seungmin's family would be happy to see him, he honestly doesn't think anyone would be happy to see him, but if even Hyunjin and Jeongin asked him then there's nothing else he can do.
The journey is slow and tedious. The weather has not become more friendly, on the contrary, the rain has only intensified. Minho doesn't have a car, so his trip consists of buses and the subway. His new life, if he can call what he's been doing life, is far from his hometown. As far as he has been able to flee. Far from colleges that his friends would apply to. Far from Kim Seungmin's dream college.
His bag is light since he doesn't expect to stay for more than a day. The rain hasn't stopped even when we got to his city. The night and the rain engulf everything in his path. His pants and shoes are wet, but he is unable to be bothered by the fact. Minho is incapable of many things lately.
He can call a taxi, but he doesn't have much money and a certain part of him invites him to walk the desolate streets of his hometown. His umbrella doesn't help much to cover him from the inclement weather, but he still makes no attempt to walk faster or take another mean of transport. His shoes sink into pools of water and his mind sinks into memories. Happy and sad memories. Memories that he has been avoiding for years.
A couple walks past him running from the rain. They both laugh completely drenched. They are happy in their ignorance and oblivious to the pain of many. Minho envies them.
He stops his steps suddenly. His reflection is visible in the shop windows, his vacant eyes would stare back if Minho was paying attention. His fingers tremble as he traces the raindrops down the glass. Clumsily his hands draw figures on the glass in the same way that he used to do in the past. Kim Seungmin would be at the counter buying a new book and Minho would be on the other drawing cats with his fingers. The bookstore is still there. Despite the years the store has not disappeared. He swallows thick. Kim Seungmin's laugh has always been his favorite, but he never told him, did he?
This time his reflection in the window stares back at him. Raindrops fall on the glass resembling tears. The April weather has no truce with this small town. The rain does not leave his mind. Minho closes his eyes, and he can remember. Hyunjin and Felix would be accompanying Seungmin inside the store. Jisung would be next to him helping him draw figures on the glass. Jeongin, Changbin, and Chan would be waiting for them at the ice cream parlor next door.
"Hyung ..." someone whispers in his ear. Minho's body shakes as if he's been electrocuted. His umbrella falls to the ground and the rain engulfs him completely. Minho turns sharply as he lulls his ear with one of his hands, it is still warm from the breath someone has whispered in his ear.
Kim Seungmin's voice hasn't changed. His tone of voice remains the same despite the years.
"Wait!" Minho yells with all his might upon seeing a figure running into an alley. That figure has the same white coat that has haunted Minho for years. The coat that Kim Seungmin was wearing the day he disappeared.
Minho finds himself running with all his might before he's even able to process what's going on. The other person is faster than him just like Seungmin used to be in the past. Minho chases him down two alleys and then down a main street. He keeps running, even though it's hard to breathe. He knows the place the figure is leading him to. It’s obvious. He is running in the direction of the bridge that connects the two parts of the city. The bridge that Seungmin had to cross every day to go to his house. The sole of his shoes hits a puddle of water and mud. He probably looks crazy running after an illusion. This is probably a misunderstanding, but Minho is unable to stop himself.
"Kim Seungmin!" Minho yells as they both run over the bridge. The black waters of the river move wildly under them.
The figure finally stops. Minho stops chasing him a few steps behind the figure whose back is turned to him. "K-Kim Seungmin," he says his name again. His voice is shaky and desperate. The person in front of him doesn't move. Minho is terrified to step forward. They are both completely drenched.
A car loses control 15 meters from Lee Minho's position. His body falls off the bridge. The blow was strong, but not strong enough to kill him. If Minho knew how to swim in the same way as Chan, he would have a chance to survive. His body is swallowed by the river water. The same river where Kim Seungmin's body was found a week ago. As he drowns, conscious of him at death's door, he thinks the figure watched him sadly from the top of the bridge.
And just like the beginning of it all, first there was darkness.
.
.
.
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
Minho is not religious. His family is not, and neither is he. Kim Seungmin is in front of him; however, it’s to him as light is to the world. One moment he was dying and the other he was here. There is not before or after. It is not a slow process but a sudden one. At one point he was inhaling water and then he was breathing air.
Seungmin is looking at him angrily. The sun's rays caress his face in a shy way. Holy and pure, his image is immaculate. This is the image of Seungmin that haunts him in his dreams. The image of Kim Seungmin who turns around neve returns to his life again. The boys are behind them never participating in whatever happens between the two of them. This may be a dream, but Minho feels it differently.
Kim Seungmin is in front of him. His chest rises and falls as a result of his breathing. He's beautiful.
The tears don't stop. He is not able to stop them, even if he wanted to. Seungmin's angry face has been destroyed in a matter of seconds. "Hyung?" He asks uncertainly. Something like panic shining in his eyes.
Minho moves before he knows it. His arms trap Seungmin in a hug. Kim Seungmin is only a few inches taller than him, and his shoulders are the same size as Minho's. Something inside him tells him that this will not be the case in a few years. Minho buries his face into Seungmin's neck. Seungmin's arms wrap around him with uncertainty, but no less urgently for that. "Minho-hyung?" He asks gently.
Minho is aware that the others are scared. Someone's footsteps are getting closer, it's probably Chan. Minho has so much to say, but the only thing his lips manage to articulate is a sentence that has been eating him inside for years. "I love you," Minho mutters urgently. The feelings about him that he has hidden for years finally come to the fore. Kim Seungmin tensed.
Chan gasps and Jisung yelps really close to them. Apparently, Chan hadn't been the only one sent to see what was going on. Minho can't find the energy in himself to feel ashamed.
"Uh, ok. We're going to go ahead without you,” says Chan as he drags Jisung by the arm.
Jisung is still gaping, but when he sees Hyunjin he practically screams. "Minho-hyung finally confessed!"
"Hyung, don't you dare hurt my Seungminnie!" Hyunjin threatens as they walk away in the direction of the restaurant, they usually frequent.
Finally, Minho is aware of what he has said, so he abruptly separates from the younger. Part of him is willing to deny what he has said, but Kim Seungmin has red ears and there is something like hope in his eyes. Minho is a weak man.
"Hyung-"
"Do you want to go to my house?" Minho abruptly interrupts Seungmin. His mind is screaming at him that it's a quarter to three. The exact time that Kim Seungmin was last seen before disappearing.
Minho marvels at the other's face. Seungmin nods shyly. Minho gently intertwines his fingers. Something inside him tells him that this is just the beginning. That fighting to keep Seungmin smiling next to him is not going to be easy, but he has been on the run for many years. He can't keep doing it. Not when Kim Seungmin looks at him like his feelings are reciprocated. Not when Minho can feel Seungmin's pulse.
The clock marks 3:00 pm on the clock in the bookstore. The second hand keeps advancing because time cannot stop. Tic-Tac. A dog barks in the distance. Tic-Tac. The rain begins to fall. Tic-Tac.