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Katsuki opens the door to his dorm and freezes.
There’s a window open and a soft breeze flutters through because someone forgot to shut it properly on their way out. Because they were either in a rush or they weren’t thinking clearly when they snuck in to place a letter on his bed.
Katsuki doesn’t need to get any closer to know the writing on the envelope says “Kacchan.”
He freezes because his hero-trained body knows when his space has been violated and he needs to take stock of the situation. Then his brain supplies him with the following thought—
You. Stupid. Shit.
—and he doesn’t just mean Deku. He’s also admonishing himself, because really, he should have seen this coming. From the moment that self-sacrificing, broccoli-headed idiot took off from Jaku General because he realized a resurrected Shigaraki was after him specifically, he should have known that Deku would pull a stunt like this. He should have known and he should have done something about it, just like at the hospital when he traipsed along after the trail of green lightning.
He should have anticipated it, but he didn’t.
Because even though Deku had been in a coma for so long, All Might had reassured him that the little fucker was fine, just trapped in a suspended state while he had a little chat with the ghosts of his OFA predecessors. As if that was the most normal thing in the whole damn world.
Nothing to see here, just a little possession party. He’ll be back soon.
Yeah-fuckin’-right.
Katsuki also freezes because in some ways he’s not seeing a letter at all.
In that moment, he’s seeing so much more.
~~~ *
He’s seeing Deku’s determination...
...telling Katsuki he would be a hero.
...saying he would be Number One.
...saying he will save to win.
...no matter what.
~~~ **
He’s seeing Deku’s resilience...
...as he tries again and again to master multiple quirks.
...as he stands up to Katsuki, as he finally fights back.
...as he breaks his bones, over and over.
...and over.
~~~ ***
He’s seeing Deku’s smile...
...the one when he’s happy, when he’s with his friends.
...the one when he’s gritting his teeth and fighting for his life.
...the one when he’s sad and trying not to cry.
...the one when he’s kissing.
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When he’s kissing Katsuki.
In the locker room.
At Endeavor’s agency.
After shift’s end.
When the sidekicks are gone.
When Todoroki is gone.
When it’s just the two of them.
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Together.
Alone.
Together.
At the end of the day.
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In that moment, Deku’s smile is the shakiest Katsuki’s seen it since middle school, all wavering and unsure as he presses chapped lips to Katsuki’s surprised mouth. He backs off, looks down, and tells Katsuki he can hit him if he wants to.
And Deku’s smile wavers further when Katsuki turns red and demands if this is some sort of confession. How the hell’s he supposed to take this?
What the fuck, Deku!
And Deku’s smile turns sad and he starts to look away and tell Katsuki to forget it.
And Deku’s smile makes something clench in Katsuki’s gut.
And Deku’s smile turns surprised when Katsuki tells him that if he’s gonna confess something, he’d better do it properly because Katsuki’s not going to accept something so half-assed.
And Deku’s smile brightens because Katsuki is turning even redder and looking away.
And Deku’s smile...
And Deku’s smile...
And Deku’s smile................ . . . . .
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Is gone.
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\\ // \ | | / \\ //
~~* // \\ \ | | / // \\ *~~
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~~~* // \\ ~* \\ // / // | | \\ \ \\ // *~ // \\ *~~~
// \\ ///// | | \\\\\ // \\
/ \
___ Katsuki destroys the letter. ___
Destroys is, admittedly, a gentle way to describe it. There are many ways a thing can be destroyed. For example, he could have walked across the room, picked it up, ripped it into pieces, and dumped the pieces into the trash bin.
But would that have been enough? He would have known that the letter was still there, albeit in shreds. That it still existed. That he could—conceivably—reach into the trash can, and—if he so chose—retrieve and tape it back together.
So, did that mean it had really been destroyed?
Obliterates is a better word. Katsuki obliterates the letter.
Annihilates—
Eradicates—
Erases.
...
The fragile note is burned up. The ashes blown away. It’s long gone by the time he’s still blasting holes through his mattress. Screaming and cursing that stupid fucker for everything he’s worth.
How could he be so utterly stupid?
How could he think Katsuki would accept this?
How could he—
How could he—
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How could he?
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Katsuki hurts.
He isn’t fully healed yet and his arms throb with the effort to push out each successive blast. His head and his chest hurt with the screaming. It’s like getting impaled yet again and he can’t keep it up.
But he will.
He will, he will.
He’ll make sure that letter never existed in the first place. If he could erase it from his memory, he’d turn his hands on himself. But then he’d be just as stupid as fucking Deku. Hurting himself for no fucking reason.
Katsuki doesn’t ever want to know what was in that letter. He doesn’t want to read the words and hear that pathetic apologetic tone in his head.
Deku telling him that he’s sorry.
Deku telling him that he has to do this.
Deku telling him that he can’t let the people he loves be hurt because of him.
That stupid— fucking— self-righteous—
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// \\ *~~
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Katsuki is almost out of juice by the time someone intervenes.
Strong arms wrap around him from behind and there’s a familiar voice that sounds distant even if it’s right in his ear. He tries to get away. Tries to blow the arms off his body, but his quirk is spent and all he can produce are a few fizzling pops.
Katsuki roars in frustration, pushing sound out his already ragged throat.
Not that it would matter anyway.
With arms like stone weighing him down.
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Kirishima.
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Of course it would be that shitty-haired block-head. His room is right next door after all.
Katsuki is howling and Kirishima is holding him and eventually they end up on the floor, but Kirishima just doesn’t want to fucking let go. Instead he’s yelling and Katsuki knows he’s calling for help, for either their other classmates to come or for Aizawa to intervene, and Katsuki figures it must be Aizawa because the popping stops and no matter what he does, he just can’t explode any more.
He tries but he can’t and so he finally relents. He collapses back into his friend, but he doesn’t give up the screaming. He knows he’s still spewing curses, but refuses to acknowledge anything else.
If one of them dares to bring it up later, he’ll deny it. He’ll blow off a shot right in their face.
Because he’s not crying.
He’s not.
Not over someone as stupid as fucking Deku.
And even if he is...
These are tears of fucking anger.
Because that’s what they always are.
He’s not sad.
Or devastated.
Or hurt.
He’s fucking angry.
Because... what’s he supposed to do now?
Now that Deku is gone. Run away.
Now that Deku has left him behind.
Like just another extra.
Like he doesn’t matter.
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Someone needs to tell him...
Because he really doesn’t know...
~~
~
WhAt
tHe FuCk
Is He
sUpPoSeD
tO Do
nOw
??