Work Text:
Pokimane had always tried to be a private person.
It would do her no good being a public person if everything about her was known. But everything comes out at one point.
She looks at her camera, then back at the wristband covering her mark. How should you work when your life is falling apart? Sub only mode chat so the comments will be tamer? No cam so they can't see the make-up doesn't quite cover how much she cried?
Either way, she still has to work.
She puts her elbows on the table. Head on her hands. In moments like this, she misses her curly hair, it was easier to hide behind than this is.
- Rae -
"You're an asshole Toast," Rae says, aiming her pillow at him from her bed. Being touched he got on a plane to check on them doesn't stop her from thinking her best friend is an ass.
"I'm still right about this am I not?" He says, catching the pillow from his seat on her desk. Laughing. The audacity. Rae rolls her eyes, her body heavy. Turning on her bed, now she doesn't have a pillow and Mika is looking at her confused.
"You can't be serious that her mark leaking is a good thing. You flew from Canada to see if she's ok. I call bullshit Toast, that's bullshit." Rae lays on her arm and taps the bed, Mika jumps to lay with her.
"It is though."
"Why, Toast?? How?”
"Now you have the answer to all your pining. I saw the mark Rae, I know that's you. It even has that triangle you have tattoed on your arm." He gestures to its general direction, her heart drops.
"That means nothing, Jeremy. She's straight." Rae says, looking at her hands, she wants a coffee. "I’m straight."
"Oh c’mon" he sits on her bed, ruffled, she really needs a coffee. "You heard Lily going on about how bi Poki is at least a hundred times. And don't get me started on you."
"Toast."
"No. You're always going on about how women are great and if you had the opportunity to fall in love with one you would. You're just being a coward."
She tries to protest, but she didn't sleep well. Too worried about everything. How right he is also weighing on her brain.
"Rae, I've known you like her for a while. Don't lie, you're not good at that." He says and looks at her. Rae knows he's worried, but her throat only seems dryer, tighter. Her eyes burn when she looks at her wrist. The squiggly line Toast said is an outline of Marrocco. Tiny Mimi. What might be a Pokiball? She never hated her mark being so abstract before. "Don't say that's not Poki either. Or that you aren't hers. That knife couldn't be someone else, Rae."
Mika moves, laying on her pillow, and she feels the sob more than hears it. Her bed dipping as Toast lays beside her, she rolls and lays on his shoulder, it's what he gets for taking her pillow. Her brain is racing, she fails to blink back her tears. She takes a deep breath and Toast’s arm goes around her in the most uncertain hug of her life.
"What... what if she hates me for it?" Having that mark wouldn't have been easy, Poki talked about hating it before to her and their roomies. Rae curls further into him as breathing gets harder.
"It’s Poki. She won't."
They stay like that until the tears stop, her brain in a haze. The sun is setting when she opens her eyes again, her headache pounding and her stomach making loud noises. Toast is laid beside her, her head in his chest, his arm around her. With a rod for a spine by how tense he is. Rae pushes back and snorts at the relief in his face.
"You cuddled me?" he groans, she gets a fit of giggles. "You cuddled me!"
"No, Rae no," he says looking at her with a little panic in his eyes.
"You're such a gentleman, Toast."
"Don't tell Sykkuno. Or Janet." he sits up, eyes stuck to her, glinting. "OR Lily."
"I won’t," she says, her smile making her face hurt. It's how their friendship works, they don't forget each other, ever. "You're a great friend, Toast."
"Yeah, yeah, shut the fuck up." he says and she laughs until her face hurts, her stomach making another noise, "now go eat something little demon, I can hear your hunger."
"Only if I can have the souls of the innocent," she continues his joke, raising out of the bed emulating a zombie.
"You sure will have fun eating your soulmate."
"Asshole," she snorts.
"You too, glad you're okay." He bumps their shoulders as they get out of her room.
Everything will be okay.
- Poki -
"I know this isn't something I normally talk about," or wanted to, ever, "but I didn't want to feel like I was hiding something from you guys. Even more now, the girls helped me make a police complaint about it." she makes a gesture, the tears burning her cheeks. "Hopefully things will calm down soon, but I'll- I'll take a break from streaming maybe." She can't be online and not see it, and the headlines make her feel worse. She can't.
The door creaks and she shuts her eyes, she didn't want to bother her roomies with her crying over this. Or at all. Even more, while streaming. Rae is on her left instantly, she can tell it's her by the little kisses on her hand that make her smile a little. Soon there's a stiff embrace to her right, an arm around her shoulders. Three pairs of arms engulf her. Janet peppering kisses all over her head.
- Wait stiff? - she thinks, opening her eyes and right there, blurry, stands Toast. With all his awkwardness to physical contact glory. The affection doesn't stop her from crying, but she feels much better as she melts into the embrace. Feeling Janet burrow her face in her neck, saying something to calm her. Rae's eyes trailed on hers, worried, filled with affection. Poki wants to stay there forever.
"Thanks, guys," she says after a couple of minutes, before taking a deep breath and thanking them again when they let go of her. Toast almost flees the room, Janet presses one more kiss to her head before going after him. But Rae stays. On her knees, holding her hand and with an arm around her waist.
"I think that's it for today, go show Celine some love, you guys know my roomies deserve it." she selects the raid option, shaking. Rae's hand holds hers tighter against her chest. Her eyes are sad as if in apology. Poki doesn't think she ever had anything to apologise to her, ever. This mess must be getting to her.
"Thanks for your support and all the hearts in chat. I promise I'll tweet soon about my schedule. Ya," she takes a deep breath, feeling much better than earlier, "and ya, okay. Byee." she waves at the camera with a little smile, giggling when she notices Rae's little wave with her unoccupied hand. A wave of warmth filling her as she turns the stream off.
Rae sits in her chair with her for a bit before they go downstairs. It's a tight fit, but Rae doesn't weigh a thing, and she hasn't been this comfortable in ages. Her roommate's eyes are puffy as if she's been crying too, Poki doesn't know how she feels about it. The one thing she's sure of is that she loves how Rae doesn't let go of her hand. It seems so second nature to her. Poki didn’t expect this, sure they are close and Rae loves hugging. She and Celine could compete for most affectionate.
Regardless, it was never like this.
They go down the stairs hand in hand. The warmer light favours the faint blush on Rae's face, and Poki decides she likes it. It makes her heart beat faster.
"Guys-" Poki says when they get to the kitchen, her friends are getting the takeout organised, but she doesn't want to thank them again. The food smells divine, Poki is willing to bet Toast is the one who ordered. Chuckling at how stiff he looks besides Janet, it will be better by the end of the night she knows. They always start like this, but he can't resist Janet's happy bubble. "Toast, when did you even get here? You were in Canada," she says, whipping the last tears with her free hand. Janet looks at him with a grin.
"He’s a good friend," Rae answers, dragging her words with an evil smile. Poki's hand tightens for a second. Janet seems to notice something, looking at them with a little smirk, but Rae pulls her to the food and Poki forgets to ask what.
They decide to watch a movie after dinner. Except for Celine, she is cooking with Aria in the morning. Yet, Rae didn’t let go of her, pulling her to get comfortable on the couch as Toast and Janet decide the movie. It doesn't surprise her one bit when she looks up from Rae's face and sees the studio Ghibli logo. She does groan when she notices it's Whisper of the Heart again, it doesn't feel like the best moment for that, and Janet made them all know that movie back to back.
Rae recites the first few lines, going on until they have a fit of giggles. She continues to mouth the words afterwards. The shiver that takes over her body comes as a surprise to Poki, she wasn't cold. Still, Rae lets go of her hand and wraps her arms around her. The hoodie much warmer than Poki's t-shirt, it rises on Rae's arm as she strokes her arm to warm her up. She looks towards Janet and Toast, heart beating faster to her confusion, her face heating up. They're sitting on the other couch, bickering nonstop. At some point they switched to mandarin, she rolls her eyes at the secrecy. It's heartwarming to see them getting closer again. Being Friends will do them well. Fill the void the mark leaves.
A loud noise reminds her of the movie, and Poki cuddles further into Rae. A breathy laugh against her neck as Rae holds her a bit tighter, she'd never thought the small Filipino woman would be a big spoon, but she didn't expect to feel so comfortable either.
As Rae's wandering caress gets near her wrist Poki thoughts go back to the mark. The emptiness doesn't feel so big now. Lily likes to call it a "hunger", Poki freezes. It's barely there now. She huff's, and guesses it would be harder for it to feel bad with so much love surrounding her. She adores her friends. Rae's arms tight around her, their legs tangled. The skin on the arm wrapped around her so warm. Each breath against her neck makes every hair on Poki's body stand.
After a while, the movie has a white scene, and she notices Rae's wrist is bare. Poki had never seen it, whenever they talked about the soul-marks in this house Rae was always very quiet. Only once complaining it was too abstract, unreliable. That all she wanted of it was a confirmation, it puzzled Poki, as many things about her friend do. Curiosity gets the best of her, and her heart skips as she takes a peak.
The little triangle tattoo on her forearm is familiar. The Mark isn't. But she recognises the patterns.
Marrocco.
This time her heart races. Mimi. That's how she draws Mimi. Poki takes Rae's hand and pulls it closer, she freezes. The outline of one of her favourite toys as a child. The outline of her favourite art for her brand. She traces it with her thumb and Rae shivers.
Poki can tell its recognition.
She feels the thrill to her bones. She turns so she can see Rae's face.
Rae has her bottom lip between her teeth. Staring at the TV with unfocused eyes. Breathing too fast.
Poki continues to trace the mark, letting the feeling take her too. Still looking at Rae.
She takes her wristband out. Rae's eyes fall to it, Poki's eyes burn when she gasps. Glancing at the knife, the little sun at the handle, the triangle and what must be the words tinniest Mika. It falls into place like she has all the missing pieces in the puzzle.
"It's you," she says, it's a whisper, but Rae listens. Backing up a little. She's scared. "We need to talk.”
The Hunger rises in her when she untangles their legs, holding hands with Rae as she pulls her up, closer, isn't enough anymore.
"Sorry, be right back," Poki says to her friends, grimacing when she sees Toast unimpressed eyebrow raise as Rae nearly falls from her pulling her up. Janet has a shit-eating grin that's bizarre on her face.
It's her and they knew.
A glance at Rae's deep brown eyes, the furrowed browns, enough for Poki to know just how anxious she is. She squeezes her hand, the faint blush brighter again on the stairs warmer lights. She can almost not hold her tongue until they get to her room, her mind racing too fast for her to understand.
Poki's heart is thumping loud in her ears when they get there.
"It's you."
"Imane- I,” Rae looks to their joined hands and takes a deep breath, "I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologising?" Poki halts and squeezes her hand, Rae isn't shy, not like this, ever.
"Hm, you talked a lot about how your mark was a burden growing up and-"
"Rae, no." Poki stops her, taking her face with her free hand, but she doesn't lookup. "I've spent my whole life terrified I would be bounded to a man that- that I would lose,” she takes a breath, Rae glances at her, worried. Her heart skips a beat like it does many times with her, but now Poki understands it. "I was afraid that I would be bound to a psycho and would lose all my freedom. That it would be a nightmare."
"I'm sorry," Rae says, looking back to the floor.
"No. I'm happy." She looks at Rae and pulls her chin up. Brown eyes are trained on her, warm and worried still. There's so much longing in them, Poki wonders how long she has known about this. If she felt it, understood it before. Heart racing as she gets closer, Poki had never kissed a girl. She knows Rae did, she talked about finding it lacking before. After that conversation, Rae stared at her, got quieter for a couple of weeks. Her stomach twists. Part of her is glad it didn't happen for her before, it's romantic like this. She gets closer, warmth taking over her body when she hears Rae's soft gasp, eyes dropping to Poki's lips. "I always dreamed about falling in love with a girl ya’ know." Rae might have known before she did, but she knows now.
Her eyes flutter as she gets closer, any space between them gone as she tilts her head. Poki's head buzzes as their lips brush.
She closes her eyes and presses their lips together.
Fireworks.
Her body thrums to a different hunger, warm and all-consuming. Rae's lips are the softest ever.
Fuck I'm so lucky.
Rae kisses her back. Hands pulling her impossibly closer by her waist. Poki can feel the longing she saw this way. In how her hands cling to her, in the tentative tongue at her lips, not pushing, never pushing. Arms around Rae's shoulders. Head spinning. She can't breathe.
When Rae pushes back, their foreheads together as they catch their breath, Poki hears a little giggle. It's so happy. Her mind floating up in the clouds.
She wants to dance.