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Saturday, May 9, 2009
“Evening.”
“Hey, Dad.”
Frank looked up and after regaining his focus, smiled at his third eldest.
“Long tour.” It wasn’t a question.
“Nothing I didn’t sign up for,” replied Joe, easily. That made Frank look down with a smile.
Joe always had an answer. It was always a pragmatic one, too. Not like Danny with his unpredictable quips, or like Erin with her challenging stances. Not even calculated like his youngest, Jamie, who knows best how to play to his audience.
No, Joe was something special, indeed.
“What’s for Sunday dinner?” Frank asked, taking off his glasses. He closed his eyes momentarily, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“I thought we’d go classic this week,” said Joe, opening the fridge. “We’ve got some bruschetta, some salad, lasagna, a couple of loaves of bread. Even got some cannolis.”
“You trying to one-up Danny again?” scoffed Frank, and Joe simply grinned. Then he turned somber again.
“How’s he doing?”
Frank sighed.
“I don’t know,” he said after a beat. Joe arched an eyebrow. “What?”
“I’m not buying that,” said Joe, simply. “You can see as well as I can that all he saw … all he survived in Iraq changed him. He was the only one in his platoon to not come in a box.”
Frank looked at him severely, but Joe’s gaze did not waver. Of his three sons, Joe was the one that Frank couldn’t quite figure out. If Danny’s dusk and Jamie’s dawn, Joe’s best described as high noon. Switzerland. The go-between. Frank had to remind himself of that in these moments because while Joe had an easy-going temperament, he could also say things like that without a flinch or indication of remorse.
Then again, he was merely pragmatic.
“I told him that he should go see someone.”
“I’m sure he took to that,” said Joe, and Frank nodded. “I’ve told him the same.”
“Oh?” Joe nodded, leaning back in his chair. He crossed his arms, absentmindedly looking out the kitchen window. “And what did he say?”
“That until my caseload is as low as his, I should worry about cleaning up messes off the street. Not the messes that are above my pay grade.” Frank pursed his lips.
“That sounds like your brother,” said Frank, nodding. “Will you listen?”
“Not as long as I’m breathing,” smirked Joe. Frank just shook his head. “I ought to get going. Angela has an early morning at the clinic and texted saying she ordered dinner.”
“See you both on Sunday?” Frank confirmed.
Joe stood up, reaching over to pat his father on the shoulder. He smiled.
“Wouldn’t miss it.”
Sunday, May 10, 2009
“You know, I’m not quite sure why we haven’t invested in a longer table,” commented Henry.
“Why would we do that Pop?” asked Frank.
“Well, you and I, we’re fine. Sitting at the heads - we’re not bumping elbows with anyone. But the boys aren’t getting any smaller.”
“I’ll be 9 this year!” piped up Jack. Henry grinned at him, ruffling his hair.
“Where’s Uncle Jamie?” asked Nicky.
“Probably charging some poor sap $300 an hour just to turn around and tell them that no jury will convict his assailant,” snarked Danny. Erin fixed him with a look and opened her mouth to retort, but was cut off before she could respond.
“Please Danny, tell us what you really think.”
Jamie and Sydney entered the dining room, receiving greetings from the rest of the table.
“No offense,” said Danny, coyly.
“Yeah, right,” scoffed Jamie, holding out Sydney’s chair as she sat on it. “And how’s that pile of decades-old cold cases on your desk?”
“Listen -”
“I’d like to say Grace this week,” interjected Joe. That silenced his brothers and he looked for the approval from his father. Frank nodded in appreciation.
Joe clasped his hands together, waiting for the others to do the same. He then closed his eyes.
“Bless us, O Lord! and these Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. And thank you,” Joe added, opening his eyes to stare at his brothers, “for giving us another opportunity to gather all together for Sunday dinner. Please grant us with the wisdom to walk a mile in each other’s shoes and judge not, lest ye be judged. Amen.”
“Amen,” said Henry, emphatically. The others chorused after him. He raised a brow at the dirty look Danny shot him.
“What a nice prayer,” said Danny, sardonically.
“Danny,” said Linda, placing a bracing hand on his forearm. He shook his head.
“No, I mean it. ‘He without sin’ and all that,” continued Danny, aggressively tearing at his bread. “It’s an excellent standard. Can’t say I’ve ever known a lawyer to embrace it.”
“Well, perhaps if you opened your eyes even an iota,” drawled Erin.
“What’s an iota?” asked Sean.
“A really small amount,” supplied Nicky. Danny fixed her with a look. “Sorry, is it a sin to be intelligent?”
“Not at this table,” said Frank. Nicky smiled at him. “Dinner looks great, Joe and Angela. How’s work at the clinic?”
“Going really well,” said Angela, with a tentative, but appreciative smile. “It was a tough week, but we were able to successfully amputate a labrador’s leg and he’s recovering really well.”
“That’s so sad,” said Nicky. Angela nodded.
“There are a lot of cruel people who take their anger out on animals. It’s tough, for sure, but it makes the job so worth it.”
“It’s what makes all our jobs worth it,” said Jamie, pointedly.
Frank let out an exasperated sigh, looking down the table to his youngest. Jamie looked back, feigning innocence.
“Are you really comparing bankrupting someone who experienced a trauma with the work the rest of us do saving lives?” The tension returned to the table with Danny’s words.
“Do you really think your survivors’ quality of life will be meaningful without the prosecutors who put these sons-of-”
“Language,” warned Linda. Jamie redirected.
“… perps behind bars?”
“What’s a ‘sons-of-perps?’” asked Sean. Erin and Nicky coughed, holding back a laugh.
“Nice. Very nice,” sighed Linda.
“What Uncle Jamie was going to say was -” began Nicky.
“Don’t even think about it,” warned Erin. Nicky fell silent.
“All I’m saying is, at least when we find a vic - we’re not the ones who gouged them. That’s on the perp … and the D.A.’s office.” Danny feigned a smile in Erin’s direction, who simply rolled her eyes. “What, no witty remark?”
“What’s the definition of insanity?” said Joe, weighing in for the first time. “Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result?”
“Are you saying I’m insane?” challenged Danny.
“Danny, he’s not -” began Jamie.
“That’d really be for a psychiatrist to determine, not me.”
The entire table went silent, all eyes turning to look either at Joe or Danny.
“What did you just say?” said Danny, his eyes flashing.
“Kids, go on into the kitchen with your plates,” said Linda, hastily.
The rest of the table sat in silence as Nicky corralled a grumpy Sean and Jack into the kitchen. Frank put down his fork and looked between his two eldest sons. Then he looked at Erin.
“Care to mediate?” he asked.
“Why? Because being the middle child for those three years before Jamie came along was so enjoyable?” said Erin, dryly. “What am I even mediating?”
“It seems Joe thinks I’m a nut case,” said Danny.
“Danny, you know he’d never -” began Angela.
“Angela, you know I love you, but this is between us brothers. Back off.”
“Don’t talk to her like -” Joe began.
“Quit it, both of you,” snapped Henry. Everyone turned to him. “Everyone gets a voice at this table. “Got it?” Danny shrugged.
“All I’m saying -” Joe began.
“I know what you’re saying,” said Danny. “It’s the same party line that I’ve heard since …” He trailed off, stabbing at his lasagna.
“No one’s trying to make you feel bad, Danny,” said Jamie. Danny glowered at him.
“Well, you could have fooled me,” replied Danny.
“There’s nothing wrong with talking about … anything,” said Joe.
“And what would you have me say?” said Danny. He laid down his fork, suddenly seeming like someone let the air out of his tires. He was tired, and everyone could tell it. No one was fooled, though. These moments were always temporary and carefully planned so that the other person lowered their guard. It would not be long before he was on the offensive again. “‘ Oorah - I’m the only one in my platoon not sent home horizontal’?”
“Danny,” said Erin, shaking her head.
“No, he’s right,” said Joe, causing a few surprised glances. “No one at this table can understand what he experienced. His tours were his own - everyone else who served at this table has their own demons they brought back with them.”
“What about you, little brother?” said Danny. “Are you looking to do some moonlighting? Maybe you can be my shrink instead.”
“You couldn’t afford me.” And just like that, the mood lightened, even if it was gradual. Danny snorted and returned to his meal.
“Perhaps,” Danny acquiesced, though no one was kidding themselves thinking he agreed with anything other than Joe’s last remark. “What’d you bring for dessert?”
“Cannolis,” said Frank, bracingly. Danny eyed Joe.
“I’ll pick up dinner next week.”
“Worried you’re being outshone?” smirked Erin.
“By my kid brother? Not a chance.”
“Looking forward to it,” grinned Joe.
***
“Did Syd already head home?”
“Yeah,” said Jamie, handing a beer to his older brother. He sat down beside Joe in the den. “You good, man?”
“Yeah, why?”
Jamie shrugged.
“You seem … in your head.”
“I’m an NYPD detective,” said Joe, with a laugh. “I think it’s sort of a mix between the job description and an occupational hazard.”
“Yeah, but it’s not that. It’s like you’re … planning something.” Joe looked at him, keeping his expression guarded. “Are you planning to pop the question to Angela?”
“Some day,” said Joe, easily. “Not today, though.”
He knew he needed to direct the conversation away from where it was headed at that moment. He hated keeping his family in the dark, but he hated it even more with Jamie. Their bond was always special as the two youngest. He would do anything for any of his siblings, but somehow even more so for Jamie by principle of the fact that he was the baby of the family.
“You’re doing that thing,” said Jamie.
“What thing?”
“It’s what the three of you all do. That thing where you’re remembering I’m the youngest and act like I’m still running around in diapers begging to be included in whatever you’re doing.”
“You remember that?”
“No,” snorted Jamie, well-aware that Joe was trying to redirect the conversation. “But home videos don’t lie.” He took a swig of beer. “You always got between me and Danny when he yelled at me to go away and leave you two alone.”
“Danny can’t get out of his own way,” said Joe.
“Understatement.”
“Neither can you.”
“Excuse me?” Joe laughed at Jamie’s incredulous expression.
“You do a thing, too,” continued Joe. “That thing where you stare someone down long enough like you think it’ll make them change their mind because you know what’s best for them.”
“You’re always the bridge between me and Danny,” remarked Jamie.
Joe shrugged, smiling lopsidedly.
“Only until you two figure out how to play nice by yourselves.”
Friday, May 15, 2009
It was almost time. Endless hours of undercover work were almost coming to a head.
So was the biggest risk of his professional career.
Joe knew what that meant and what it could mean for the rest of his life - however long that may be. For him, it meant cashing in on his insurance the past week with his family, despite the fact that they were none the wiser.
It meant picking Nicky up from school on Monday and having a quiet dinner with her and Erin that night. It meant, along with Danny, helping Jack and Sean build their model airplanes and testing them outside Tuesday night before it got dark and Linda called them into the house. It meant shooting pool with Jamie over beers and pretzels on Wednesday’s Happy Hour.
It meant playing Poker with his father and grandfather on Thursday night, a ritual they did more often than he could count, so it would not raise any eyebrows. It meant, these last few weeks, spending every spare moment with Angela. Holding her close so she knew how much he loved her and would always love her.
So, even though it would never be enough, he felt comforted knowing he spent these moments with his family if things went south at a given moment. He didn’t plan for that to happen, but you never can plan these sorts of things.
He had closed in on names for months. He was so close, too. He and his team knew it. Moves were getting sloppier on the Blue Templar’s part. More erratic.
Tonight was a regular tour, though. He met with his partner, Sonny Malevsky, and the pair of them were going to serve a warrant. It was standard duties, but Joe was fully vigilant.
After all, he had his suspicions.
“Ready to go, man?” said Joe, and Malevsky nodded.
The two men approached the Upper Manhattan apartment. Covering the peephole, Joe slammed on the door.
“NYPD, open up!” said Joe, loudly. He heard a stumble and a crash from inside. Looking at his partner, who nodded, Joe stepped back and connected his foot with the door.
“Police, don’t move!” Joe shouted. He hurried through the apartment, his weapon drawn and got to the bedroom in time to see Yusef Dumon escape through his window. “Malevsky, you take the stairs and I’ll tail him here!”
“Got it, Reagan!”
Joe hopped out onto the fire escape and began climbing down, dropping as soon as it was safe to do so. He then took off at a run, watching as Dumon turned a corner. As he began running down the alley, he found his view blocked. It was not by Dumon.
“What the hell are you doing, Malevsky?” he shouted. “You’re letting the perp -” He fell silent.
“You’re quick, Reagan,” said Malevsky. “Too quick, if you ask me.”
Joe quickly sized up the two men who appeared beside Malevsky, their own weapons drawn.
“This will hurt,” said Malevsky, candidly.
“All of you, lower your -” Joe began, raising his weapon to fire.
“Goodnight, Detective.” A shot was fired.
Then darkness.
***
“You’re still here, Baker?” said Frank, without looking up as the door opened.
He was met with silence, so he raised his gaze. There in front of him stood Abigail and Garrett. Both looked as white as sheets. Frank immediately braced himself, sitting up straight.
“What happened?”
“It’s Detective Reagan,” said Abigail. “Joe. He …”
Frank felt the blood rushing to his head and his vision swam for a second before he steeled himself again.
“What hospital?”
“Sir … he’s not at a hospital.”
“It was an ambush, Frank. A summons gone wrong,” said Garrett, his voice trembling. “He and his partner were serving a warrant when the perp took off. They pursued him on foot when at least two gunmen appeared and shot at Detective Reagan.”
“Warrant Officers Sonny Malevsky and Lydia Gonsalves shot the two gunmen and eventually the original perp,” said Abigail.
Frank stood up, grabbing his coat and walking out the door. Hollow words echoed behind him.
“Call for my detail.”
***
“All I’m saying,” said Danny, “is I think the Jets have a fighting chance this year.”
“You’re dreaming,” snorted Detective Demarcus King, his latest partner. “You’re telling me that Rex Ryan was a smart move?”
“I never said that,” smirked Danny. “I’m loyal to the team, but no man.”
“They don’t stand a chance.”
“Twenty bucks says they make it to the playoffs.”
“How about the winner buys rounds the entire night?” wagered Demarcus.
“I’ll make sure to eat a lot of pretzels that day.”
The two men shared a laugh, almost immediately interrupted by their radios.
“Shots fired. Shots fired in Upper Manhattan. We have a 12th Precinct detective down. Two others at the scene.”
The two men continued listening to the radio transmission, a chill running down Danny’s spine. He switched on his sirens.
“I’m sure someone nearby is -”
“One of our own is down,” said Danny, not able to shake the bad feeling that came over him. “That means something to me.”
“It’s also Joe’s precinct,” was left unsaid.
His partner knew better than to argue with him. The rest of the ride was spent in silence, zigging and zagging through passing vehicles. Finally, they saw multiple flashing lights ahead of them, as well as press members doing stand-ups near their news vans.
“Shit,” said Danny, putting the car in park. His eyes zeroed in on his father’s detail. His father was known to come to a scene, but if the person in question was going to receive any medical attention, he would go straight to the emergency room.
This was bad.
Danny got out of the car and suddenly what felt like thousands of voices were shouting at him. He couldn’t make one out from another, distracted further by the lights blinding him and more cameras shoved in his face. He and his partner were pushing through when one voice found a way to cut through the rest.
“Detective Reagan, did you know your brother was issuing a warrant tonight?”
Danny froze, feeling an intense ringing in his ears that he managed most days to keep at bay. A ringing he grew accustomed to when enemy fire was inevitable and unavoidable.
He whipped his head around to find the source of the voice.
“What did you just say to me?” he snapped.
Dozens of voices began shouting at once again. His body, which no longer felt like his own, was propelled forward until he saw a body covered with a sheet on the ground. His heart hammering in his ears, he continued to walk forward.
“Detective, you can’t -”
“Don’t stop him,” he heard Demarcus warn the responding officer.
Danny, now standing in front of the body, stared down in trepidation. A sort of trepidation he was not all unfamiliar with when working a case, but never like he felt in that moment. He felt himself fall to his knees and his hand - was it shaking or was it the vibration of dozens of people moving around him? - reached out for the sheet.
46808.
Danny felt his hand fly up to cover his mouth. His fist gripped the sheet as he stared in disbelief. As he stared at the closed eyes and mockingly peaceful demeanor of his baby brother.
“Joe,” he croaked, his eyes burning. He couldn’t fall apart here. Not in front of everyone. He could feel his insides shredding apart, as though someone hit the purée button. “Fuck … no. Fucking shit .”
“NO!” he screamed, connecting his fist with the pavement. He felt the all-too-familiar crack that a boy who grew up with a chip on his shoulder and a short fuse felt when he took out his anger on something or someone else.
He was also acutely aware that the voices were lowering around him. Or was he leaving the voices behind? Then, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Danny did not have to look up to know.
He felt himself rise to his feet, and turned to the man in question. His father, looking possibly more broken than he ever imagined he could look. More broken than he ever witnessed him. The death of his father’s mother, and later his wife, while painful couldn’t compare to now.
“Breathe,” was the first thing his father said to him.
Danny exhaled, suddenly aware that his face was damp and hurrying to wipe it.
“I don’t want to,” he mumbled, feeling like a child.
His father looked at him with bloodshot, forlorn eyes.
“Have you spoken to Erin or Jamie?” Danny felt any remaining color drain from his face, and his father understood. “Go to Erin.”
Danny didn’t ask where she would be. He knew.
***
It was looking like another late night in the office. Nicky was with Henry for the night, so Erin planned to spend the majority of the night strategizing for her next opening remarks.
As she re-entered the office, she was met with silence. That was unsurprising for this hour at night, but it was not for lack of presence for a change. In fact, the room was packed.
They must be swamped as well , she thought. She did not bother to lift her head. If she had, she would have noticed the nervous stares.
“Don’t let anyone disturb me,” she told her receptionist, still not raising her head.
“ADA Reagan -” her receptionist began, but she already closed the door behind her.
“Sis.”
“ Jesus Christ, Danny !” gasped Erin, clutching her chest. “Don’t do that!”
It was then that she finally looked up and her heart sank. Her older brother seldom cried and when he did - he was human, of course - it was not in front of her, nor as clear as day.
“What happened.” It came out as a statement. A heavy statement, filled with dread and fear.
“It’s Joe.”
“Joe …” Erin felt a wave of nausea wash over her. “No - I just … I spoke with him earlier …”
Before her brother could respond, she hurried over to the trash bin and vomited. She felt her legs give out from under her, but felt Danny’s arms wrap around her to break her fall. Before long, they were both kneeling on the floor, her sobbing in his arms. She swore she could also feel dampness on the top of her head.
“You’re lying,” she sobbed. “You’re lying !”
“I’m not,” croaked Danny.
“Then you’re wrong. Someone lied to you.”
“I wish I was wrong, Sis. I’ve never wished to be wrong more. It wasn’t supposed to be Joe.”
“Don’t do that,” she said, harshly. “Don’t make this about you.”
She felt him tense, but he didn’t say anything. She almost hated that more. Any other time when she undercut him in such a cruel way, he would give it back to her as good as he got it.
Tonight was different.
“This can’t be happening,” she continued. “There has to be a mistake.”
“I saw him.”
“You -” Erin abruptly pulled away from him. She narrowed her eyes in disbelief. “ What ?”
“I heard the call go out over the radio. I got there …” Danny trailed off. “Dad was there, too.”
“I need to see him.” She started to get to her feet, but Danny grabbed her wrist.
“You know that’s not where we have to go next.”
Erin felt an even heavier weight, if possible, settle in her chest.
“I know.”
***
“You know, you should play a few rounds with me and my buddies some time,” remarked Henry.
“Your cop buddies?” scoffed Jamie. “They’d pick up my scent in a minute.”
“Don’t sell yourself short, kid,” said Henry. “You’ve got a good Poker face.”
“Is that your way of saying you fold?” Jamie smirked, and Henry guffawed.
“Not on your life.” He took a swig from his glass. “Nicky’s asleep?”
“Yeah, finally,” snorted Jamie. “Erin’s going to have her hands full. Not sure why anyone wants a teenager.”
“No one wants a teenager,” said Henry, observing his cards. “They want a baby. A teenager is an unfortunate blip in the road before the real fun starts once they’re grown and you’re able to do what we’re doing now.”
Suddenly, they heard two car doors slam. They looked at each other in confusion.
“Did Dad mention anyone else coming tonight?” asked Jamie.
Henry shook his head baffled.
“Maybe it’s Danny dropping off dinner for Sunday.”
“No, he wouldn’t do that until tomorrow,” reasoned Jamie. “Doesn’t want to blow the shock factor for when he ‘one-ups’ Joe’s meal.” Henry chuckled.
Just then, the door opened and they watched Danny and Erin enter before closing it. The oldest Reagan children looked like they saw a ghost. The two men stood up, abandoning their hands.
“Is it Francis?” said Henry, immediately. “Is he hurt? Is it Linda, the kids?”
“It’s not Dad,” said Danny, wearily. “It’s not Linda or the boys - they’re on their way over.”
“Joe was sh-shot,” trembled Erin.
Jamie gripped the back of his chair so hard that he was sure he would get a splinter. He heard his grandfather let out a noise that was a mix between a gasp and a groan.
“You’re not here to tell us we’re headed to the hospital,” said Henry, unnecessarily.
“No,” said Danny. “No, we’re not.”
“Joe,” was all Henry said in disbelief. Jamie heard him fall back into his chair.
Meanwhile, Jamie was staring at a spot on the wall. Or, at least, in that general direction since the longer he stared at it, the less focused it became.
“Is Nicky asleep?” he heard Erin ask.
“Yeah, for a little while now,” replied Henry.
He vaguely heard Erin’s fading footsteps as she went upstairs, presumably to see her daughter with her own two eyes. The room was silent, but it wasn’t really. For instance, Jamie felt like the world was crashing around his ears and burning in front of his eyes.
His older brother. His best friend. Gone.
They were just playing Poker together last night. They were going to watch baseball this week. They were … Joe was going to be best man when he and Sydney got married.
He couldn’t be gone. If Joe was gone, he would feel it. It would have started to sink in by now. That kind of loss leaves a gaping hole and he would feel it, though part of him knew that it was already starting to take shape and was eating at him.
“Hey, Harvard -”
“Don’t,” Jamie hissed, “call me that. Not now.” He finally looked directly at his oldest brother for the first time since he heard the news.
Despite being the same height, Danny looked smaller than usual. Like he wasn’t quite sure yet how to best distribute the burden suddenly dropped on their family. Ironically, Joe was probably the one person who would be able to help Danny figure out his next move. It sure wouldn’t be Jamie. As much as he sought his eldest brother’s approval on some level, he never expected it.
He and Danny were as different as night and day. Joe was the balancing act between them, not unlike how he ran interference last Sunday dinner. Now that was gone. So was his spot at their Sunday dinners. It was bad enough when they lost a chair when their mother died. Now …
The sound of a car alarm broke him out of his reverie. Suddenly, the door flung open and more people were thrown into the mix. Jamie watched as Danny hugged Linda and then watched as he crouched down to hug his tired sons before sending them up to bed.
“I’ll be up in a few minutes,” Linda called after them. At that moment, through the door walked Sydney and Angela. The former’s arms were wrapped around the latter. While Sydney tried to whisper something in Angela’s ear, the latter looked catatonic.
It was only when Angela saw Henry’s sad eyes on her that her face crumpled. She made a beeline toward him and began weeping in his open arms.
“I’ve got you, sweetheart. Shhh,” he heard his grandfather comfort her.
Jamie opened his arms robotically, letting Sydney enter them. She hugged him tightly, possibly whispering something in his ear. If she was speaking to him, his mind was far gone again.
***
They all stayed in their corners like that for a while. Jamie wasn’t sure for how long. Part of him figured that it wasn’t long before their father joined them. The overwhelming part of him, though, felt that it was hours before he did.
“Is everyone here?” were the first words out of Frank’s mouth.
“Yes,” said Danny.
“But also no,” said Jamie, speaking for the first time since he snapped at Danny.
Frank pursed his lips, looking down at the ground as he seemingly gathered his thoughts.
“What happened, Francis?” demanded Henry, finally.
Frank looked around the room before making his way over to the dining room table. Everyone followed suit and sat down in their usual seats. Except it was wrong. The seat on the left side, next to his father was empty.
“The details are … fairly straightforward,” said Frank. “Which might make it worse.”
“Joe and his squad were serving a warrant to appear in court on strong-arm robbery charges. The perp escaped through his apartment window. Joe and his squad took off after him on foot and were intercepted by two gun-men.”
There was a whimper from Angela, who was then embraced by Linda. Sydney squeezed his hand tighter, as if trying to anchor him to ensure he didn’t disappear like Joe did from the table.
“Officers Malevsky and Gonsalves returned fire and fatally shot the two gunmen and the original perp,” said Frank, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose from where they slipped. “They tried to resuscitate, but …” Frank trailed off, shaking his head.
“Were any civilians hit?” asked Henry. Frank shook his head.
“Small consolation,” said Danny, rubbing his face.
“You know as we all do that that’s everything,” said Henry.
“Christ,” gasped Linda, redirecting their attention. “What happened to your hand?”
Upon closer inspection, Danny’s right hand was bloodied and his fingers on down to his knuckles were swollen. He flinched away from his wife’s touch.
“I’m fine,” he muttered.
“How does the pavement look?” said Frank. Danny fixed him with a look.
“So, what’s next?” asked Erin.
The table was silent. For once, no one had an immediate answer. Until Danny did.
“You two should probably head home,” said Danny to himself and Sydney. “First year associates have to get up bright and early to push papers, don’t they?”
“Danny, not tonight,” hissed Erin. Jamie felt his jaw set.
“No, please, go ahead, Danny,” said Jamie. He let go of Sydney’s hand, his hand instinctively clenching on the table. “By all means, let’s have another chorus of how my job is meaningless compared to yours and Joe’s. How when I go, they’ll say, ‘Well, he led a nice life’, but how I could never be half the man my brother was.”
“Our brother,” snarled Danny.
“Yeah,” agreed Jamie, standing up. “Maybe one day you’ll actually remember that.”
He stormed out of the room, through the kitchen, and into the backyard. He wasn’t sure where he was headed other than needing to get away from everyone, especially Danny. Leaving the dinner table abruptly may be unheard of in their family regardless of how bad it gets, but this wasn’t Sunday dinner. Not by a long-shot.
If he was honest with himself, it was not just Danny he couldn’t handle right now. It was the truth in his implied sentiment. Jamie’s profession didn’t feel as meaningful to him. Not the way that it did for Erin. It was part his mother’s wish, part a self-fulfilling prophecy. He expected he would go a different path from his family, and so he did.
Except that path never felt more wrong than it did in that moment.
***
“You went too far.”
Frank’s words were harsh against the silent backdrop of the dining room. Danny did not respond. There wasn’t anything he could say at that particular moment to fix everything suddenly spiraling out of control.
“You asked what’s next,” said Frank, redirecting to Erin. “First we die.”
“Then, we deal with it,” finished Henry. Frank looked at him, slightly nodding.
“And that starts with the absolute last thing anyone wants to think about. Sunday dinner.”
“You’re not suggesting …” Linda began. “Like nothing’s happened?”
“No, not like nothing’s happened,” said Danny, staring at the table. “But Joe wouldn’t want us to stop our lives. To stop spending time with those of us who are still here.” He grabbed his wife’s hand and brought it up to his lips.
“Speaking of, I should go check -” began Sydney.
Erin stood up instead.
“Give me a minute with him?” Sydney nodded. After a momentary withering look at her other brother, she walked through the kitchen after Jamie.
***
Erin found him easily, sitting beneath a giant tree. It’s where he always sat when he needed to take a break from the chaos of the Reagan clan.
Tonight was one of those nights.
“You’re not even feeling slightly tired, are you?” said Erin, sitting down beside him. She glanced at him, observing how his head was back staring at the stars. It’s the one view that you can’t pay for in Manhattan.
“It feels like I’ll never be tired again,” said Jamie, dully. Erin nodded, mostly to herself.
“You know how Danny gets.” Jamie shot her an unimpressed look. “I’m not defending his words, you know I’m not. You know as well I do that he is hurting, though.”
“We all are.”
“But it’s different with the three of us,” she went on. “When something happens and one of us is hurt, you, me and Joe don’t immediately blame ourselves. First because we know it’s not in our control. Second because the rest of us don’t see ourselves as living on borrowed time. Third, we didn’t ‘fail’ before.”
“What are you -”
“He didn’t really come home alone, Jamie,” sighed Erin. “He came home with endless amounts of guilt for not saving his platoon.”
“There’s one other reason. He’s an older sibling and he’s the oldest.”
“You’re older as well.”
“And it tears me up …” she paused, sighing. “It tore me up every time Joe went on duty. It’s just different. I remember vividly when the two of you were born. We know the two of you for all of your lives. I’m just saying, it doesn’t excuse what he said, but it might go as far as to clarify why he’s acting like … normal.”
Jamie was silent.
“There’s more, though. More you’re not saying,” said Erin, scrutinizing her baby brother. Jamie looked at her. “Talk to me.”
“I can’t fucking stand it when he’s right,” was all Jamie said. Erin waited for a beat, and then he continued. “This job isn’t right for me, Erin.”
Erin blinked, taken aback by the pronouncement.
“For how long?” she asked.
“I don’t …” he shook his head. “No, I do know. Since Mom made me promise to do anything other than the family business.”
“Oh, Jamie,” sighed Erin. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”
“What should I have said?” Jamie asked. “‘Sorry Mom, I’ll have to break your heart on this one?’ I thought I could make it work. I thought I could make it mean for me what it does for you.”
“But it doesn’t.” He shook his head. “So what’s next?”
“I’m not sure,” he admitted. “But I think I need to speak with Dad.”
“One word of advice? Take a breath,” said Erin. “I know it’s bigger than Joe, but the timing isn’t any coincidence. Let everything settle before you go and upend your life. If you decide that you want to take the exam in a few months or a few years, you’ll know it wasn’t just because Danny got into your head.”
“Besides,” she continued. “You know this won’t only affect you.”
Realization dawned on Jamie’s face.
“Syd.”
“She’s going to watch Angela bury her boyfriend in a week’s time,” said Erin. “If you go down this path … it could be her reality. That’s not to stop you from pursuing it. It’s just the truth. It’s also all she’ll be able to think about every time you walk out that door.”
She offered him a sad smile and looked back at the house. She could see their father staring at them from the kitchen window.
“We should go inside and rejoin the others,” said Jamie, verbalizing Erin’s own thoughts. He stood and offered Erin a hand, which she accepted. “Thanks, Sis.”
She merely smiled at him, in what she hoped was an understanding manner.
Everything was changing.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Danny didn’t bring dinner that Sunday. It wasn’t necessary given the outpouring of support from everyone they ever knew - as well as many they hardly knew.
Every counter space in Frank’s house was occupied with different pasta dishes, meats, fruits, trays of chicken, you name it. So that’s what they ate for dinner on a Sunday unlike any other.
It was a quiet Sunday.
The news was still barely settling, but weighed on each of them and the children felt it as well.
“Angela,” said Frank, finally breaking the silence. “Please tell your folks that the chicken parm they sent was delicious and much appreciated.”
“Superb,” echoed Henry. “I haven’t had one so good since my Betty passed.”
The young woman smiled weakly at him.
“It was what Mom made when Joe first met them,” said Angela, quietly. “He told her that it was his favorite, but made her promise only to make it during special occasions. He joked how he wouldn’t be able to run up flights if he carried all that extra chicken and cheese.”
There were a few chuckles around the table.
“Is there chicken parm in Heaven?” asked Sean.
The adults exchanged a look.
“I think there is,” said Linda, when no one spoke in response. “I think all the things you love are in Heaven, waiting for you. Not because you need them, but because you’ve earned it.”
“You don’t need to eat in Heaven?” questioned Jack.
“Nope,” said Henry. “Your soul is what’s fed in Heaven. Like your mother said, you want for nothing once you’re at peace.”
“So you’re alone?” continued Jack. “Grandpa, you said Uncle Joe’s with Grandma Mary.”
“I did,” said Frank. “And I believe he is with her.”
“Probably getting scolded by her for turning up the volume too high on ESPN,” quipped Danny. Erin coughed, laughing despite herself.
“Do you think they’re together, Jack?” asked Frank, redirecting the question.
Jack paused, seemingly unsure if there was a correct answer.
“Yes,” he finally said.
“Me too,” piped up Sean.
“Me three,” chimed in Henry. “What say you, Nicky?”
All eyes fell on the 12-year-old at the other end of the table. She glanced up from her plate, putting down her fork.
“I hope they’re together,” she said.
“You ‘ hope ’?” said Danny. “Like you haven’t spent the last 12 years sitting in Mass each Sunday with us?”
“Take it easy, Danny,” said Erin. “She’s entitled to her beliefs.”
“And no two individuals are required to share identical belief systems,” added Frank. “It’s what makes our country so great. We are all free to express ourselves and our belief systems within the confines of safety outlined in the law.”
“I still say some make more sense than others,” muttered Henry.
“Well, it’s a good thing you weren’t there when they drafted the First Amendment,” said Erin, dryly. Henry smirked.
“You weren’t?” asked Sean. There was laughter down the table at Henry’s incredulous face.
“I weep for the future,” deadpanned Henry.
“You’re quiet down there,” said Frank, looking at his youngest. “Care to weigh in?”
There was silence, and it was clear that Jamie was in his own world. He was broken out of it once Sydney put a hand on his forearm. Jamie blinked in surprise.
“Sorry, what was that?” he asked, looking around the table at the inquisitive stares.
“What’s with you?” said Danny, shortly. The pair had not spoken since their confrontation Friday night. Neither man was in any particular rush to do so despite their knowledge that time was not something they should waste.
“Nothing,” said Jamie, pushing his food around his plate. “Just thinking about the future.” Jamie felt Erin’s eyes on him. “As well as the past.”
“Anything worth mentioning?” probed Frank.
Jamie slightly cracked a smile.
“The time Joe took me to play ball with him and his pals.” There were a few knowing laughs at the table. “I was in the outfield,” he said, looking at Jack and Sean. “Maybe about Sean’s age.”
“So I was 6 or 7, with a bunch of kids who were anywhere from 10 to some who were closer to Nicky’s age. All of a sudden, one kid who had to be at least 5 foot stepped up to bat.”
“Well, everyone got the memo to step back but me,” said Jamie, causing his siblings to laugh and Frank to groan with a smile. “All of a sudden - bam!” He grinned as Jack and Sean’s eyes widened. “The ball was whizzing toward me.”
“Did it hit you?” gasped Nicky. Jamie grinned at her.
“At the last second,” he said, avoiding answering her question, “I stepped to the right and … I caught it.”
“Whoa,” said Sean. Jamie nodded.
“Next thing I knew, I was hoisted on top of everyone’s shoulders. Even the kids on the opposing team were cheering, they couldn’t believe it,” laughed Jamie. “Joe later told me that he thought he was going to have to have someone knock him out so Mom couldn’t get to him. He was so certain that I was about to have my lights knocked out.”
The others laughed, the mood slightly brighter.
“Does anyone else have a good Uncle Joe story?” asked Nicky.
“What about you, Dad?” asked Sean.
The reluctance was evident in Danny’s eyes, but one look at his boys made him acquiesce.
“Yeah, I’ve got one,” said Danny, clearing his throat. He stared at his plate for a second before a smile crept onto his lips. He looked at Frank. “Remember the matches?”
“Do you remember the matches?” rebutted Frank, surveying him.
“I sure do every time that I sit down.” The others at the table started tittering in excitement. “Picture it - I was no more than nine, making your Uncle Joe all of four,” said Danny. “We decided that we wanted to be cowboys in the Wild West.”
“Except, what are cowboys without tobacco?”
“You didn’t,” laughed Angela.
“No, we didn’t. Because we couldn’t find any,” said Danny. “What we did find were Mom’s matches in their bedroom.”
“Oh, no,” snickered Sydney.
“Oh, yeah. So, there I am, trying to light one of her cigarettes for the first time when Joe decides to flinch away from me.”
“It was fire, Danny!” snorted Jamie, quick to defend their brother. Danny just shook his head.
“He pulls back, drops the cigarette onto the throw at the foot of the bed. The whole thing lights up in front of us. What’s my first instinct?”
“To heave it out the window onto the front lawn,” supplied Frank, causing the table to erupt in laughter. “Joe comes running down the stairs - ‘THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!’ I thought that your poor mother was going to have a stroke.”
“We never did hear the end of that one from the FDNY,” snarked Henry, shooting his eldest grandson an unimpressed look. Danny merely shrugged, feigning innocence.
“I maintain we would’ve had no problem if Joe knew how to play with matches. Which you boys will never attempt if you know what’s good for you,” Danny amended, glancing at his sons.
“Come to think of it - Joe was nearly as put off as Pop when you said you wanted to dress as a fireman one Halloween,” remarked Erin. “I’m thinking you set in motion a life-long aversion.”
“What can I say?” smirked Danny.
“Erin, how about you?” asked Linda. “Any less flammable, more respectable memories?”
“Less flammable, certainly,” said Erin. “Respectable? Hardly.”
“Really, Mom? You ?” laughed Nicky, and Erin shook her head.
“This is the only time I’ll offer up a past indiscretion, so savor it,” said Erin. Everyone set their gazes on her. “It was the end of my freshman year of college, which made it Joe’s junior year during high school.”
“I had just gone through a nasty breakup - the last guy I was with before Jack - and Joe’s girlfriend had broken up with him right before prom, so we were both licking our wounds.”
“So, your son,” she looked pointedly at Frank, who raised his eyebrows, “decided that we should hitchhike to Mohegan Sun.”
“What?” exclaimed Linda. Nicky, Angela and Sydney expressed similar sentiments of disbelief, but Erin nodded.
“So, there we were - a 17- and 19-year-old walking along I-95 North - when someone finally gave us the time of day. A state trooper.” Laughter erupted around the table. “Well, Joe was giving this whole spiel about how we were trying to get to a friend who needed our help, but couldn’t afford the cab fare.”
“And the state trooper wasn’t having it?” said Nicky.
“Not even slightly.”
“So what did he do?” asked Sydney.
“Well, he said we had one chance to give him our names. Joe opted to give ‘Joseph Conor’ for his alias. His first and middle names. Then someone else who we hadn’t noticed asked me if I wanted to try a more practical tactic.”
Erin looked pointedly at Henry while the table oohed. Henry just grinned.
“Thankfully, both of your powers of observation have improved since then,” remarked Henry. “It just so happened that I was riding with that state trooper after meeting up with a couple of fellas … when we heard there were a couple of teenagers walking the interstate. Call it a hunch.”
“Call it Big Brother,” drawled Erin.
“Did you know about this?” inquired Danny to Frank. The older man leaned back in his chair.
“First I’m hearing of it.”
“Well, that’s because I instilled the fear of God in them,” explained Henry.
“You made a deal ,” scoffed Erin. “We were over here every weekend cleaning the backyard and reorganizing the kitchen and basement for Grandma. It carried us into the next term.”
“But,” said Erin, her voice softening. “Those are still some of my favorite memories with Joe. Listening to the wall radio and him singing along to Dick Van Dyke.”
“Joe did have the greatest singing voice,” said Angela, wistfully. The others nodded.
“ Grey skies are gonna clear up ,” sang Henry suddenly. “ Put on a happy face .”
“ Brush off the clouds and cheer up, put on a happy face ,” continued Erin, beaming.
“ Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy, it's not your style ,” sang Henry. “ You'll look so good that you'll be glad you decided to smile .”
“That was always my favorite,” remarked Frank.
“No coincidence that it was his favorite, too,” said Erin, smiling slightly. She looked around the table at the others. “He’d want us to listen to the lyrics.”
“Yeah,” agreed Frank. “He would.”
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The service, like many of its kind, was a mix between comforting and excruciating.
All of Joe’s siblings spoke in some form, trying to find a way to say goodbye to someone they still felt was with them. Then, when Frank delivered the eulogy, there was not a dry eye in the overwhelmingly crowded church.
After the service, the family opted to do their own private repass in the form of a traditional Sunday dinner. That was fine by Danny. He was not sure about his siblings, but he felt as though he was suffocating during the service.
Linda’s hand in his own kept him grounded as he suffocated in his dress blues.
He could guess what it was and knew that if he asked Linda, she would say that he was having an anxiety attack. One that mounted once they marched Joe out on their shoulders. One that intensified as they stood graveside and watched his casket disappear into the earth beside their mother and grandmother.
It wasn’t right. Joe didn’t belong there. Not yet. There are endless amounts of things that you have to make peace with in their line of work. As far as Danny was concerned, burying your younger sibling should not be one of them.
So he lingered after the service came to an end. As people began to dissipate, Danny remained rooted to his spot. Linda seemed to understand that he needed time - Linda always understood him - and she kissed him on the cheek before taking the boys back to the car.
Danny ignored the weight of his father’s gaze that he felt on him all morning. Eventually, he departed as well. Danny felt himself fall into a crouch instinctively so he could be level with where the eventual headstone will rest.
It was just him and Joe. He sighed.
“You know I’ve never known what to say in these moments,” murmured Danny. “Which you would probably say is ironic because it’s the one time I have a captive audience who can’t interrupt me.”
“It wasn’t supposed to be you, Joe. And I swear that’s not me trying to make it about myself. It’s the truth. Maybe it’s me having taken you always being here for granted, but it’s true.”
“The other three of us … you know we love each other, but you were the best friend of each of us. Everyone knew it, too. We were closest with you and it never felt like there were any strings attached or that you liked one of us more than the others.”
“You’re Jack’s godfather. He’s going to grow up, become a teenager … become a man without you. Without you there to talk about the things he won’t want to talk to me or his mom about. It hasn’t really set in for him yet. I think he and Sean still expect you to walk through the door with pizza and a new model plane or train set. If I’m honest, so do I.”
“You and Angela should have walked down the aisle together. It shouldn’t have been her walking alone today. You should have become a father. You would’ve made a great one.”
Danny sighed, resting his forearms on his knees.
“I’m only telling you this because I know it’ll stay between us, Joe. I’m scared,” he admitted. “I’m not even sure of what specifically …” There was a sudden rush of wind, causing Danny to roll his eyes. “Unbelievable. Last word, my ass.”
“I suppose a big part of it is me and Jamie,” he continued after a moment. “We’re so different. You’ve always helped to bridge the gap. To make it easier on us. I guess it’s more proof I took advantage of you. I never learned how to put in the work. You and I always got along and Erin … well, she’s always a pain in the ass, but it’s different with brothers and sisters.”
“He’s my kid brother, though. More than you ever felt since you and I were always on the same path. I don’t even know what it is I’m trying to say anymore,” groaned Danny, running his hands on his head.
So, he just opted to stay squatting in silence. Doing his best to feel his brother’s presence, despite his own skepticism. All he felt was alone, though.
Until he had company.
“Hey.” He didn’t need to look up to know who was standing there.
“Uh, hey,” said Danny, pushing himself into a standing position. He turned, staring at his younger brother. “I figured you were long gone.”
“I asked Syd to take Linda and the boys to the house. They were restless and we figured you needed some time.” Danny nodded.
“Thanks.” Silence again. “It was a nice service.”
“Yeah, it was,” said Jamie, looking down at the plot. Then his gaze drifted over to their mother.
“You never answered,” recalled Danny, suddenly. Jamie looked at him in confusion. “About if you think they’re together.”
Jamie stuck his hands in his pockets, staring at his shoes.
“What I think on a given day doesn’t make it any more or less true,” replied Jamie. “Which is probably for the best since my faith is more than a little shaken.”
Danny got that. He also did not expect anything short of a typical lawyer response from his brother and by the look on Jamie’s face, he could tell his train of thought.
“Are we good?” asked Danny. Jamie continued to stare at him.
“No,” said Jamie, candidly. Danny blinked. “But we will be … if we work at it.”
Danny pursed his lips slightly, nodding as he averted his gaze.
“Let’s go.”
***
The ride back to the house was silent. After killing the engine, Danny followed Jamie into the house. Everyone was sitting at the dinner table, following their moves with watchful eyes.
“All good?” asked Frank.
“Yeah,” said Jamie.
Danny remained silent, sitting down next to Linda. When he noticed the plate in front of him, he kissed her on the cheek in thanks.
“Everything looks amazing, Uncle Danny,” commented Nicky, glancing at the food on the table. He smiled slightly at her.
“Thanks, kid,” he replied. Suddenly, a sense of deja vú washed over him.
“I’ll pick up dinner next week.”
“Worried you’re being outshone?” smirked Erin.
“By my kid brother? Not a chance.”
“Looking forward to it,” grinned Joe.
Danny couldn’t believe it was a week ago. To his own surprise, and in spite of himself, he cracked another smile.
“If it’s all right with everyone, maybe I could say Grace tonight?”
“Sure,” said Frank when no one protested.
Danny watched as they each clasped their hands, closing their eyes. Then he did the same.
“ Bless us, O Lord! and these Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord,” recited Danny. “And Joe,” he continued, causing the others to look at him with surprised stares, “enjoy Sunday dinner with Mom. I know that you were looking forward to me outshining last week’s meal, but how ‘bout we call it a draw. Amen.”
“Amen,” chorused the table.
Danny felt his father’s eyes on him, and turned to see him offer a smile. Then Frank looked around the table and raised his glass in a toast.
“To Joseph Conor Reagan,” said Frank.
“To Joe.”