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It’s 3 am and Jaehyun is, quite practically, dead inside. He’s been awake for almost a whole 24 hours now and the only coherent thought in his muddled mess of a mind is that he needs to go to sleep, stat. He grants his feet full rein and allows muscle memory to steer him down the hallway to his dorm. Hopefully, he won’t have to spend more than a minute fumbling with the key to his doorknob; but he’ll worry over that when he gets there.
He wishes he could speed up his steps and get to his sweet, sweet bed quicker; but, alas, his body can only operate at ten percent at this point, and any more exertion than is necessary might cause his legs to buckle while in transit to his precious mattress and warm duvet. That would be tragic; not to mention assuredly embarrassing tomorrow morning, when the other members or their manager discover his dozing body sprawled on the hallway floor. Though with his present, ungodly level of exhaustion, at least it’s carpeted briefly passes through his mind; and suddenly the idea of falling asleep in the hallway doesn’t seem as unpleasant to his weary soul.
He’s turning the last corner and already mentally exclaiming sweet jesus when the muted sounds of someone singing emanate from behind the fire exit and caress his startled ears. From this distance, the lyrics are unintelligible (he can barely make out a tune); and with one of 22 possible people to choose from, neither can he identify who it is that’s serenading the rooftops of Seoul at 3 am. He’s curious, for sure, to know who it is and why he’s singing. But he’s also so, unbelievably tired.
Okay... maybe he’ll just try to figure out who it is. The cat (read: him) is beat but he’s also damn curious; five extra seconds from the hallway to his bed won’t kill him. He thinks. So he gently approaches the door to the balcony and rests his ear on the metal.
Oh. It’s Xiaojun.
He and Xiaojun only recently met, to tell the truth. Yes they’re one NCT, and Xiaojun’s already been a part of it for two years; but WayV is based in China, whereas Jaehyun’s own unit of 127 has its home here in Korea. When they do find themselves on the same soil, their schedules don’t allow for them to even take time off together (Johnny and Ten, for example, are holding on; but FaceTime calls over long distance can drive any relationship to the edge). So it was only when preparations for NCT 2020 commenced that he and Xiaojun were actually formally introduced to each other. And if Jaehyun is being honest here ⏤
He has a little crush. And he thinks it goes both ways.
Hence his present predicament. He’s been awake since 4 in the morning: his body (and brain) are screaming at him to move on and go to sleep. But that stubborn little shit they call a heart supplies that this opportunity might quite possibly never present itself again. And damn it, the lil’ fucker isn’t wrong. So off he goes, gently prying the door open and timidly stepping back out into the frigid air. Damn it’s cold. But at least now he’s more awake than five minutes ago.
Xiaojun, from where Jaehyun is standing, is nothing but a big black parka by the edge of the building. As he inches further, gets closer, the lines of the song he heard faintly from the hallway start to assume their decipherable form and register in his mind as a vaguely familiar ballad on the radio.
“ Hate that I’m singing this song
I hate that I have to be strong ”
Jaehyun is perhaps only a few feet away, practically behind Xiaojun, when the latter registers his presence and turns around to find out which other nocturnal creature has come to join him in his vigils.
“I hope I’m not disturbing you,” proffers Jaehyun, only momentarily stunned by the other boy’s dazzling eyes and reddened cheeks.
In lieu of a verbal reply, Xiaojun simply smiles up at him and pats the space next to him. Jaehyun is awake enough to feel giddy and conscious enough to conceal it, briefly returning the smile before settling down on the concrete and stretching his legs out. Xiaojun, who has his legs together and pulled to his chest, lets out a giggle at how comfortable Jaehyun has made himself. Well, at least that’s what Jaehyun thinks it is.
“Did you just get home from filming?” Though the two of them don’t really talk much, all of NCT is privy to Jaehyun’s acting stint and its associated hectic schedules. Jaehyun nods in affirmation; though Xiaojun probably already gleaned the answer from his eyebags and palpable exhaustion. In camaraderie and consolation, Xiaojun brings a hand up and strokes up and down Jaehyun’s back a bit, offering a shy but brilliant smile all the while. Jaehyun is still processing the pleasant surprise when Xiaojun pulls his hand back, but he gives a small dimpled smile to convey his appreciation at the physical comfort… and to flirt, he supposes.
“And you aren’t in your bed yet?” Xiaojun is teasing him, but Jaehyun detects a dash of concern in there too.
“I heard someone singing from the hallway and I had to know who it was.... But you know, I could ask you the same question.”
Jaehyun hears Xiaojun mutter “touché” under his breath and chuckle lightly before he faces him and admits, “I couldn’t sleep. And I was feeling claustrophobic in the dorms because most everyone else is usually awake at this time playing games or something. So here I am, in the cold night air, giving a concert to no one… well, to an audience of one, it seems.” Xiaojun has one goddamn sexy eyebrow raised as he looks at Jaehyun, smirk in place and the glint of a taunt in his eyes. And Jaehyun, well he’s awake now. Who knew some flirting would be all it takes to reinvigorate his tired spirit?
“The audience of one is highly impressed. But why so sad a song though? Did someone get away?”
Xiaojun chuckles. Jaehyun almost sees the cogs turning in his head as he probably tries to formulate a repartee. “Nah, it’s just something I heard on the radio recently and couldn’t get out of my head. Besides, if I liked someone like that,” a pause, and then he glances up at Jaehyun.
“I don’t think I’ll let them get away.”
Oh . Jaehyun isn’t exaggerating for the sake of poetry when he says that he feels his heart stopping at that moment.
Xiaojun smiles and turns away after five seconds without a reply, then he starts softly humming the same song he was singing before.
“How are you holding up, though, Jae? Because right after our rehearsals, you’re being swiftly carried off to filming, and I never see you until the next practice.”
Xiaojun is still facing forward, an indecipherable faraway look in his eyes. Jaehyun guesses he’s giving him time to organize his thoughts, or to deliberate just how much he’s willing to give away. Because the truth is Jaehyun can’t say that he’s okay, and he doesn’t know if that’s too much and too deep for him to share to a boy he likes but hasn’t ever opened up to before.
But it’s 3 am, they’re by themselves, it’s the perfect setting for a heart-to-heart. And he’s already given his heart to this boy, so why not share its contents too?
“Honestly? Just barely. And I don’t ever want to seem ungrateful, because I know that everything I’m doing is beneficial to my career and I really am glad for all the opportunities. But I’m also human just like everyone else; even Superman can’t do everything all at once.”
“Did... you just compare yourself to Superman?”
They laugh, and for a while the moment is lighthearted. “I mean, I’m sure the fans won’t disagree.” But Xiajoun is blushing when Jaehyun looks at him, and he knows that’s really just code for “ I don’t disagree.”
Xiaojun then reaches out for Jaehyun’s hand that’s resting beside him and squeezes it gently. Continue , it seems to say. You can tell me more .
Jaehyun turns his palm up and slots their fingers together, before he resumes his exposition. “I wake up when everyone else is still sleeping. My brain is still booting up and my limbs feel like lead but I know I have to get up already. Then I see Jungwoo across the room in peaceful slumber and my heart gives a little sigh, because I wish I could do the same. I only have time to splash my face with water and get changed, and then I’m right out the door and trudging down the hallway. I get into the elevator and, loathe as I am to admit it, sometimes I’m still too groggy that I find myself pressing the button for the floor that I’m on … and I only realize it after five seconds when the elevator doesn’t move.” A bitter laugh. Then the swipe of Xiaojun’s thumb across his knuckles.
“I lean against the wall and close my eyes, and wait for the little rattle that tells me I’ve reached the parking lot. Then I let my legs take me to the same spot where I know the van is, only have the energy to nod to the staff in greeting, then turn off and go back to sleep until we get to the set. And I’m still so, so tired but I have to turn the charm on, bow and say good morning to every person there, and then it’s all a blur in the stylist’s tent while they coo and doll me up.
Then the actual filming starts and it’s great, since I’ve always wanted to try acting. But when you or another person mess up, you have to shoot the scene again. And again. You know how it is, it’s sort of the same when we shoot our music videos. But because I’m filming with people I don’t really know or have a strong, long-standing connection with; when my co-actors forget their lines for the tenth straight time, I swear it takes up all my willpower not to go berserk and yell at them to get it together. Instead, I just allow them to apologize and assure them that it’s nothing, I understand, it happens all the time.
And when finally, finally the shoot wraps up, everyone gives a little cheer and exchanges plans for after. While I clap for all of five seconds before our manager escorts me back to the van and onto rehearsals. And all the way from the set to the parking lot, you hear the cast or staff comment ‘God, I’m so tired’ or ‘I can’t wait to get home’; meanwhile, I know I worked just as hard as them and yet my day is far from over. Sometimes I even think of pleading with manager-hyung to ask him to take me home. Or I get the wild idea to reach over the driver’s seat, snatch the steering wheel, and drive myself home instead. But of course that all just stays in my head and I obediently play my part as the cooperative artist.
Then I get to the studio or the practice room; and yeah I love being with all of the members, because you guys are my family and you lift my mood up. But every once in a while, when I’m particularly exhausted or strained from filming, and when the maknaes’ jokes don’t do it for me, there’s a bitter thought that surfaces: why aren’t they tired like I am, why am I the only one pushing my body to its limits? And I squash that thought away, I beat myself up in guilt for even being capable of thinking that. Because I know it’s unfair and I’m perfectly aware of how hard we all work, and that this life isn’t easy for any of us. Still, I’m only just human. I grow tired, I’m not past being petty, and I can’t help but complain every now and then, if only in my mind.” An exhale. A beat of silence save their breathing.
“Thank you for trusting me with that, Jae. But I do hope you know you don’t always have to keep that all to yourself. I don’t mean to be presumptuous here, but I don’t doubt the rest of 127 will gladly lend you a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on whenever you need one.” Another squeeze of a hand. “And I know we’ve only known each other for literally two months, but I am here for you, Jaehyun… as whatever you need me to be.”
There’s a hopeful spark in Xiaojun’s eyes when Jaehyun reciprocates his gaze. He thinks that’s the closest thing to a confession he can get at this point in their relationship, and it warms his schoolboy’s heart. There’s something here, something promising, but tonight is not the time to preempt it or to think too far ahead. Tonight is all about the present, and being the presence the other needs to recharge and keep going.
“What about you, anything you’d like to tell me?”
Xiaojun seems to be considering the offer, is probably combing his mind for any stories and struggles to share with Jaehyun. “You know… right now I think I just want you to sing with me.”
“Sing to me, Paolo.” Xiaojun full-on laughs (and facepalms) at Jaehyun’s corny pun. Well, at least he got the reference. “Any particular song you have in mind?”
“Well, I would love the privilege of having you sing I Like Me Better to me. But I just heard this song again on the radio... and I heard it in your voice.”
Xiaojun reaches out for his phone then, while Jaehyun wonders what specific song he has in mind. He doesn’t bother to guess, because opening up about his issues was draining, and the exhaustion he’d felt and which had temporarily tapered is resurfacing and seeping through his body. His brain literally cannot right now; so he waits for Xiaojun to pull up his music app, search for the song he has in mind, and press play. He has a cheeky smile on his face as he starts the song, and Jaehyun grows extra curious until the opening bars start to make sense and he can recall the lyrics to sing along.
“ I’m at a payphone ,” starts Xiaojun, looking straight into Jaehyun’s eyes; gazing sincerely, singing passionately, and capturing his heart. Peripherally, Jaehyun notices Xiaojun’s excellent diction, though the words only vaguely register in his mind. He’s entirely mesmerized by the tone of Xiaojun’s voice, how it softly permeates the still air and soothingly caresses Jaehyun’s ears. But he did request Jaehyun to sing with him, so he starts to pay more attention to the lyrics and jumps right in at the bridge.
“ I’ve wasted my nights
You turned out the lights
Now I’m paralyzed
Still stuck in that time ”
Xiaojun begins to harmonize with him then, and they play it by ear; trusting their intuition and ear in performing an impromptu duet to Maroon 5. Neither of them fully recalls the lyrics so Xiaojun pulls them up on his phone and positions the device between them. Naturally, they huddle closer together (blushing all the while) to read the words on the screen, though still looking up at each other from time to time.
“ Now I’m at a payphone ”
The song tapers off and they share a grin, half pleased that their duet turned out nicely and half giddy that they just sang with each other. Jaehyun has always dreamt of singing with the person he likes; and when he met Xiaojun and heard him sing, those nighttime fantasies and daydreams were finally filled in with a face and a voice to complete the scene.
“Thank you for indulging me. Though I still want that Lauv performance when you’re no longer busy.” They both chuckle.
“Oh for sure; it will be a whole setup with stage lights and sounds. But for now maybe this will suffice,” he takes Xiaojun’s hand and waits till he meets his gaze ―
“I like me better when I’m with you.”
It’s not a pickup line. He says it sincerely; because despite the short time they’ve known each other, tonight is perhaps the first time in who knows how long that he’s been able to fully breathe, to break through that barrier of reticence that prevents him from opening up about the worries that consume him in his solitude. Tonight he thinks he’s starting to learn that it’s alright to voice his anxieties, that there is someone to whom he can voice his anxieties, without the fear of judgment and without strain. Tonight he feels comforted, that his soul has been refreshed, because when he lies in bed each night it’s only ever to recharge his body for another day of the same long hours and overexertion. And he hopes that in the future, he can be the same for the other man.
Xiaojun’s smile blossoms, on his face and in his eyes. He doesn’t find it corny; Jaehyun succeeded in conveying his sincerity. And he gives Jaehyun’s hand a little squeeze because right now there’s not a need for words.
Jaehyun rests his head on Xiaojun’s shoulder. He feels him startle for a second, and then he wraps an arm around Jaehyun’s waist and leans into the press of their bodies. They revel in the silence of the city at this time, punctuated only by the sporadic rustle of tires against asphalt and the passing of a breeze. He wants to savor every second of this; but then Xiaojun slides his hand up and down Jaehyun’s side, and the rhythmic motion and warmth of his touch lulls Jaehyun to slumber. He thinks that’s what Xiaojun means to effect, so he acquiesces and allows his eyes to flutter shut, his exhaustion to enclose him, and his mind to turn to black before transporting him to the realm of subconscious scenery.
He doesn’t know how long he sleeps, but he knows it probably wasn’t long even before he opens his eyes. His position doesn’t allow for more than a restful recharging to begin with. When he blinks his eyes open and raises his head from its place on Xiaojun’s shoulder, he finds the other boy still awake and beaming at him, as the sun begins to rise and stir the sky in its daily display of shifting colors. “It’s beautiful, and I think especially so today,” proffers Xiaojun.
“Why is that?”
“Because I wasn’t alone in greeting the morning.”
Jaehyun has no reply to that, out of awe but also because his mind is still starting up and is unable to provide him with the words with which to answer. Though he smiles and reaches out for Xiajoun’s hand to squeeze it. He thinks it will suffice to say likewise .
And as they silently stare out together as the city stirs into action, Jaehyun’s mind finally grasps that it’s a new day. It’s a new day, the sun has risen, and he’s made it through another night. Any minute now he’ll have to return to his dorm and get ready for the day he has ahead.
But for now he lets the sunlight warm his face and Xiaojun’s touch to warm his heart. They made it through the night ―
And it feels like a beautiful day. //