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I have a couple friends, but we don't hang out anymore
When we do anything, they always act like they are bored
I care, and I pretend that I don't, but I'm okay though
Katsuki walked inside the dorm building from his late-night run to see the main area still buzzing with energy. Deku and his friends sat at the table playing some card game. Momo in the kitchen making tea and talking to Jirou. The loudest part he could somehow hear through his earbuds was the group of idiots who proclaimed themselves as ‘Bakusquad’. They were crowded by the large Television playing some bright, loud racing game. It’s been a while since he’s played that with them or even been asked to join them.
It’s not like he wishes they would. In fact, he’s glad they’ve stopped inviting him to do dumb, stupid, annoying, unproductive activities. He’s glad he’s back to being the lone wolf of the class. He’s glad no one thinks of him anymore. Even when they did they all were obviously bored. He didn’t want to join in whatever games they were playing and who would want to be around someone like that? Yeah, he’s fine with no longer having friends to be around to make the darkness bearable.
Fine, who’s he kidding? Of course, it burns so deeply when he sees those idiots together without even a word to him. It’s not even their fault. He was the one who pushed them away. Getting too close to people would make him vulnerable weak- he couldn’t have that.
Mom and dad were fighting, and I tried to intervene
It didn't help at all, it made it worse if anything
I cried until I fell asleep, but I'm okay though
He quietly made his way up to the stairwell and to his room. He didn’t want to run into anyone or have the chance of the others noticing him and pitying him and ruining their fun by inviting him to join them. Bakugou also didn’t want them to see his face. He started crying during his run and he knew it was obvious if anyone would get a glance at his face.
He actually only came back to U.A a couple of hours ago from visiting home, however, he quickly changed into running clothes and ran to try and clear his thoughts of the shit show the visit was. Bakugou didn’t know what to expect from going home. He should’ve seen it coming.
The worst of it all started when they were eating dinner. His mom made some backhanded comments about Bakugou’s school effort causing Katsuki to get angry at her and a back and forth between them. Then, for some reason, Masaru decided to make a small comment towards Mitsuki about how Katsuki was doing fine in school and that just set off Mitsuki. ‘ Why are you taking his side?’ Mitsuki yelled even louder than she had been at her son. Her hand balled into a fist and hit the dining table causing the silverware to clatter.
‘Mitsuki, I’m just telling you the truth. Our son has been doing fine in his classes and seems to even be near the top of-’
‘ Near isn’t good enough! If he’s not the best then it’s not even worth bragging about!’
Katsuki just sat silently staring at his parents. He’s never seen them actually argue. Hell, his dad never even spoke up against his mom. He knows he somehow fucked up and this couldn’t end well.
“Mom, just drop it-”
“Shut up!” She looked back over to Masaru, “And why do you even care? When was the last time you spoke a single opinion?”
Masaru stayed quiet for a moment. “Maybe I’m…”
“Speak up!”
“Maybe I’m tired of you treating our son like a status symbol when instead he should be treated like a human being or maybe, I don’t know, your son!”
Bakugou remembers the stillness of the room. His father had never yelled, at least according to his own memory. After that, his father quietly told him to take the rest of his dinner to his room while he and Mitsuki talked. He used her name. Not ‘your mom’. It was such a small detail but it shook Katsuki to the core.
“Are you sur-”
“Go upstairs. Now.” He nodded and took his plate and went to his room and locked the door. He knows it would piss his mom off but he doubts his locked room is the least of their family's worries right now.
He set his plate on his desk, no longer having an appetite. His eyes and throat burned. Tears pricked at his eyes. Fuck. What if they divorced? It’s gonna be his fault. It’s all his fault. This already broken family is going to completely fall apart and it’s no thanks to himself.
Katsuki laid in bed and clenched his eyes shut as tears fell down his face.
After that, he fell asleep and the next day he stayed in his room until the evening when it was time for him to catch his train. His dad was the only one to send him off. He still has no idea what’s happening at home, and if he’s being honest, he’d prefer to keep that ignorance for just a bit longer. Just to have things feel okay for even just a few moments longer.
Everybody tells me I have to believe
The bad feelings will go away eventually
I try, but I swear, it always seems
Like it comes to them so easily
And I'm stuck at the part where I pretend I'm happy
But I'm waiting for it to get better for me
He knows not everyone is an idiot. He knows Aizawa can see him give less effort in class. He knows he can also see him over-exerting himself during training. He knows the extras always around him notice him withdrawing himself from them. He knows Kirishima can see his dark circles and sunken eyes. But he pretends no one can notice. No one can see. No one knows what’s going on in his head, so how would they know anything else? As long as he hides his internal struggles then he’s still the strongest here.
But if he really is the strongest here, then how come everyone else finds life so easy? How are they so carefree? Maybe bad things happen to him so the others don’t have to go through it. As much as he denies caring about those four idiots close to him, he’ll gladly continue taking the pain and struggles of the world if it means the others won’t ever feel that type of pain or deal with the same trauma. One day, maybe, it’ll be his turn to be happy and take it easy.
I wish that I was different, wish that I was someone else
I know that I should probably tell somebody I need help
But it's easier for me to say that I'm okay though
He hates how shitty he acts towards everyone, even those just trying to be nice or help him out. Those five idiots- no, his friends- always try to be nice to him or include him and he just yells at them and ruins the mood. Bakugou wishes he could just partake in fun activities like everyone else, but it’s not in his character to do so. He wishes he could reprogram his brain to become a person people actually want or even need in their lives.
He’s searched these feelings up once when kept awake late in the night by thoughts like these. He thought maybe he could find some type of help. He hates that word, but for once in his stubborn ass life, he thought he could handle receiving help. However, after seeing a couple of definitions and then ‘seek professional help if these feelings continue’, he instantly closed his incognito tab and went back to listening to music in the dark.
Ha. Professional help. What professional would help a stubborn, angry, traumatized, teenager whose biggest hero couldn’t even help and continued to abandon him for his biggest rival in life? But it’s fine; he didn’t even want the help. He’d be fine on his own as he had been his entire life.
I realize I'm not the only one who feels this way
So why should I prioritize myself when that's the case
I'll suck it up another day, but I'm okay though
He woke up feeling a bit better than usual. He knew he was more of a bucket with a cup of water missing rather than being emptied from its overflowing state, however, he thought maybe with this slight bit of relief he could talk to someone about what’s been happening. This someone to be a certain red-head he trusts more than any adult in this academy. More than himself.
Bakugou walks up to his dorm’s door ready to open it and greet his problems with the help of his closest friend.
“Hey, man, don’t worry!” It was Kirishima. Was he comforting someone?
“Yeah! Don’t even worry about it.” Ashido. What was happening? It sounded like they had passed his room enough for him to peak out. He quietly opened the door, checked for the occupants of the hall to see Ashido and Kirishima each with an arm around Kaminari. “Sero said we can all chill together and after that, we can help out with anything you need!”
“I promise days like these aren’t permanent and we’ll be here with you through it all.”
The mop of yellow surrounded by the 2 different arms nodded up and down as they disappeared inside the elevator.
Oh.
Bakugou backed into his room and locked the now shut door and made his way back to his bed. He allowed his blankets to pull him in and weigh him down while the thoughts prod at and sliver into his mind.
Why was he so selfish? He was about to steal the help his friend needed for his own purpose. He was terrible. Only a few minutes earlier and he would have ruined Kaminari’s day even more and perhaps even made him lay alone in his dorm without his friends because Bakugou thought he needed help. That’s terrible. He’s terrible.
He’s just glad Kaminari is getting the help he deserves. He wouldn’t deserve to deal with his problems alone. He needed his friends, but Bakugou? He was fine. And if he wasn’t? That’s not a problem the others need to have to deal with.
Everybody tells me I have to believe
The bad feelings will go away eventually
I try, but I swear, it always seems
Like it comes to them so easily
And I'm stuck at the part where I pretend I'm happy
But I'm waiting for it to get better for me
Bakugou’s been spending most of his time, outside of school and overly-training, on this internet in the dark of his room and under the restraints of his blankets. He has a private account on a social app and the people on there tell him it’ll eventually get better, but he knows it won’t.
It’s been months. He at least thinks it has. He’s lost track of time with the lack of effort he’s giving in school and the lack of light his newer blackout curtains allow inside. He can’t tell these people the things he’s been through without giving away his identity and though he can’t risk that for reputation reasons, he also can’t risk losing his last safe place.
He tells them he knows he’s stronger than his mental struggles but is he? He doesn’t believe so. But he feels an urge to keep the people with knowledge of his deepest struggles happy. The same way as when he gets occasional questions from those who he once, and still, called friends. When they ask him if he’s eaten the occasional times they catch him getting water on his way back to his dorm from working out for hours. He’ll say yes, though it’ll never show. His weight drops, but he can’t find it in his fog to want to nourish himself. He’ll miss his cooking and food and get lost in the idea of cooking again, but then the blankets will weigh down more and the fog will get thicker.
The kitchen remains a ghost town. No one cooked often since Bakugou would always “begrudgingly” cook for the “Extras”. Even Satou keeps to baking in his room unless necessary. The lack of cooking tips off the Bakusquad but their knocks never receive responses.
Bakugou wants to respond to their knocks. He wants to respond to the hundreds of group messages. He desperately wanted to be able to see Kirishima again. To see his sharp smile and his radiant glow that follows. But he can’t. His fog and blankets and mind seem to all be against him. Teaming up to weigh him down and ruin him beyond repair. He just hopes that one day he can find the sunshine he’s begging to have again.
…
But I'm waiting
He waits in his fortress of pain, suffering, and cloth. He waits for someone- anyone- to see his suffering. To hear his pleads. To remove the blankets that have been holding him back from being okay again. He wants his spark back, and not the kind that is created from the sweat gathering during his nightmares. He wants his friends.
But he can’t have them. Because he’s just Bakugou Katsuki and he never learned to ask for help.