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Madeleine had learned to be ashamed of himself from a very young age.
He remembered the first time he felt his heart flutter with the feeling of love. He had been picking up bread for dinner when he saw the knights of his kingdom, no doubt coming back from some strenuous battle. Their Commander, battered and bruised as he was, held his head high.
Madeleine watched him with wide eyes. He took in the Commander's long pale hair, his bright green eyes, the confident smile on his face. At one point, he noticed Madeleine staring, and waved to him with a deep, melodic laugh.
In that moment, Madeleine had never seen a more beautiful man in his life.
He went home with a spring in his step, excited to tell his family about this over dinner.
He hadn't expected the reaction they gave him.
"The Divine created man for woman, not for his fellow man!"
"How could you call yourself a follower of the Divine if you give in to such sin!?"
"The Divine do not make mistakes, why would you go against their will like this?"
Madeleine was taken aback. His entire life, he had been taught that the Divine were accepting, welcoming all with open arms. Why would they not accept something as beautiful as love? If they didn't want him to be in love with a man, why did they create him this way? Was there something wrong with him? Was he broken?
His parents were determined to get him "help". They had him meet with a priest they had known for a long time. They told him it was for his own good.
Every day, Madeleine sat with the priest and they discussed the Divine Texts, why the Divine created man and woman and what their roles were. He was told that The Divine loved him, but that they did not love his sin because it went against their plan. The Divine had created the world according to their carefully laid plans, and Madeleine didn't want to tamper with it, did he? Didn't he want to be allowed entrance to their kingdom one day? Wasn't an eternity of paradise better than a lifetime of sin?
It wasn't always about good things, though. He heard much crueler stories too, stories about the Divine punishing men like him. Many were struck with deadly illnesses or killed by followers of the Divine. Others were driven to abuse drugs or alcohol or even take their own lives thanks to their sins. Some would even hurt boys as young as him just to feed their unnatural desires. And when they died, they were not allowed within the paradise of the Divine. They were cast into darkness and torment for eternity. Men like that were dangerous, predatory, immoral. Some hardly acted like men at all, and were more like disturbing imitations of women.
In all his life, Madeleine could never understand how such a sweet, gentle voice could speak such lies and hatred in the Divine's good name.
"Your parents were right to send you to me first." The priest had told him, "You still have time to repent, to ask for forgiveness and be cured. You don't want to disappoint the Divine, do you?"
"Of course not." Madeleine said, hoping that if his voice was firm enough then the words would come true.
And yet no matter how much he prayed, no matter how many nights he spent asking for forgiveness, asking for the Divine to purge him of these sinful urges, his feelings remained. He was sixteen years old when he first dreamt of lying with another man, and when he woke up he sobbed.
Perhaps he couldn't be saved.
Madeleine tried to live with these feelings much like one would any other affliction: Keeping them hidden out of sight, never bringing them up while still hoping and praying to one day be cured. He told his parents that everything was fine, that the priest's words had helped and that he no longer felt any sinful urges. He even went on dates with girls, and he liked quite a few of them. That was enough for his family to believe he was cured, and that his lust for other men had been a phase that he had grown out of.
If the Divine didn't condemn him for his homosexuality, they would certainly condemn him for his lies.
He had joined the Knight's academy as soon as he turned eighteen, a display of masculinity that his parents were proud of. Madeleine tried to convince himself that was the reason he joined, and not because seeing the Knights' commander all those years ago had inspired him. He didn't want to admit that it had given him hope. Hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a place for men like him in this world.
It was harder to lie to himself than his parents.
He put everything into his training. Madeleine worked hard and fought harder, hardly taking breaks except to eat or sleep or pray. He got along fine with the other knights in training, but he dared not get too close to them. He was afraid of what would happen if he did.
Graduation day was drawing near. He heard the others talk excitedly, about how they would receive their halos and approach the altar of the Divine for the very first time. They would finally be allowed to speak with the Divine themselves, their halos shining bright for all to see. While they all seemed to be eager, the idea filled Madeleine with nothing but dread.
His mind was flooded with different outcomes. What if the Divine refused to speak to him due to his sin, leaving him standing there with a dull halo and an explanation to give to the others? What if they began to speak to him, only to turn him away when they discovered his desire to be with a man? The Divine might even kill him on the spot! Or perhaps, by some miracle, they would finally answer his prayers and cure him, getting rid of his deeply hidden shame for good.
The night before graduation, Madeleine didn't sleep.
The sun was bright that morning as Madeleine dressed in his new armor. An older knight had told him that "The Divine must be as excited for today as you are."
He just nodded in response. The excitement he felt wasn't bright and joyful. It was dark and weighted in the pit of his stomach. The door to the church closed behind them with a loud thud.
There was no turning back.
Madeleine received his halo with trembling hands, placing it on his head the way he'd been shown by the knight commander (Not the one that had waved to him all those years ago, and not nearly as handsome). When they lined up to visit the altar, he purposefully stayed back, trying to delay the inevitable.
The bright light of his peers' halos illuminated the room as the Divine spoke to them. Nobody else could hear the words, but it was clear that they had touched the fledgling knights. One by one they left the church, smiling and occasionally crying tears of joy.
When Madeleine approached the altar, it felt like everything was in slow motion. He stepped forward cautiously, eyes darting around the church as if he would burst into flames by simply standing there. He knelt before the altar and, taking a deep breath, he began to pray.
And his halo began to glow.
"The divine have heard your prayers, young knight."
Madeleine swallowed, squeezing his eyes shut as he braced himself for whatever was to come next. His whole body felt warm, and he wasn't sure if this was the presence of the Divine or his own burning shame.
"We sense turmoil within you. You fear that you are not worthy of our presence, yet your soul is pure. You worry that there's been a mistake."
Madeleine concentrated, trying to pass along his thoughts.
"That is true. All my life, I have been burdened with the sin of homosexuality. Every night I have prayed to be purged of these wicked urges, and yet they remain. Why have my prayers not been answered? Can I truly not be saved?"
He felt tears prick the corners of his eyes, and a tremor wrack his body.
"Dear child, you have been led astray by those who know not of what the Divine stands for. Your homosexuality is not a sin. It is not a burden for you to endure, nor is it an imperfection that can or should be cleansed."
In that moment, Madeleine felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
"You mean to tell me that there's nothing wrong with me? That I am not broken in your eyes?"
"You are not broken in the eyes of the Divine nor anybody else. Your love for other men is beautiful, it is a part of you as we created you. It is an aspect of yourself that you should embrace. And in turn, you are loved and embraced by the Divine along with it, not in spite of it. Remember these words, no matter what anybody who claims to speak on the Divine's behalf tells you."
Madeleine opened his eyes, and allowed the tears to spill onto his cheeks.
"Thank you, Divine. I am forever grateful that you saw value in me when others could not."
"Know that The Divine does not make mistakes, young knight. You were crafted in our image, and you are a reflection of us. When you treat others with kindness, you represent the kindness of the Divine. When you show respect, so too does the Divine show respect for all creations. And when you experience the joy of love, be it with man or woman or even beyond that, that is the love of the Divine shining through. Use this knowledge wisely, and know that we watch over you always."
The glow of Madeleine's halo faded. He stood, head held high, and exited the church.
Now, years later, Madeleine had come home from a long day as knight commander. He was greeted at the door with a warm embrace and a kiss. His hair, which he was no longer afraid to grow out, was lovingly tucked behind his ears by a pair of thin, brown hands. The man before him was nothing like his first crush when he was a boy; He had short, dark hair and dark eyes to match. His smile was more self-assured and smug rather than purely confident. And his laugh… well, it wasn't exactly melodic, but it was so uniquely his that Madeleine couldn't help but love it. Couldn't help but love him.
And for the first time in far too long, Madeleine no longer felt ashamed of himself.