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A/N: This chapter has mentions of sexual assault, a panic/anxiety attack that is being coped with by scratching and pinching oneself and mentioning of suicidal thinking. If this is a trigger for you then please don’t read. You have been warned.
Eddie woke up to the smell of pancakes wafting up the stairs from the kitchen. At first, he was confused about where he was but as soon as he sat up the memories came rushing back. He had sent Buck, one of the strongest and kindest people he had ever met, into a panic attack when he punched a wall in anger.
Eddie had known for a while that he had a slight anger problem, i.e. street fighting, but it had never hit him with such force before that it was more than just a little problem. He laid back against the pillow with a worried frown marring his face, he needed help and not the piss poor thing Bosko had come up with.
Street fighting wasn’t a good idea at all, Eddie could admit that now. And while it helped for a few hours the anger always came back and seemed to grow worse every single time. He decided to talk to Abuela about his anger first and then ask for her advice.
Decision made, Eddie got up and started to make his way down the stair towards where he assumed Buck was making the delicious smelling pancakes. He started to smile as he approached the kitchen and heard Buck half humming, half singing some song under his breath.
The smile fell as soon as he walked far enough to be able to see Buck. Buck was standing in front of the stove, flipping pancakes and dancing on the spot, and normally that would just have made Eddie smile brighter and fall more in love with this wonderful being, but instead he was distracted by something else.
The bruise on Buck’s back was ten times worse than Eddie had thought yesterday. The bruise spanned the entirety of Buck’s back, but the worst of it was the shoulder blades and spine, and was that… a hand print on Buck’s hip?
Eddie could feel the ager star to grow but quickly forced it down as he remembered Buck’s panic attack. Taking a deep breath, he called out cautiously, “Buck?”
“Morning Eddie.” Buck turned around with a bright smile, but at seeing the concern in Eddie’s eyes he looked down a little sheepishly. “I know I shouldn’t cook without a shirt, it’s just…”
Eddie felt his breath freeze in his chest. Coupled with the hand print on Buck’s left hip, there was a matching one on his right shoulder with what looked like the thumb print being very dark around Buck’s collarbone.
“Buck,” Eddie had to clear his throat as his voice failed him. “Buck, what happened?”
“It’s nothing, what do you mean?” Buck said too quickly as his eyes started to shift away from Eddie.
“Evan, please.” Eddie pleaded. “Just talk to me.”
Buck started to fidget and shake before whipping around to the stove again. “Pancakes… we need to eat the pancakes before they get cold… you love my pancakes…”
Eddie hurried towards Buck and quickly shut the stove off before gently grabbing Buck’s hands in his own. “Buck, I need you to breath, okay? Just breath for me, just like that.”
Eddie placed one of Buck’s hands on his chest over his heart and started to breath with more chest movement than was strictly necessary. It took a while but Buck managed to calm his breathing even if the tears on his face never really stopped.
While leading Buck over to the couch, Eddie murmured soft encouragements to him and then after he had sat down, Eddie pulled a still trembling Buck into his lap while wrapping his arms around him.
“Ready to tell me what happened to your back now?” Eddie prodded gently. “And don’t tell me it’s nothing.”
Buck who had opened his mouth to do precisely that closed it again with a snap.
“Please talk to me, cariño.” Eddie begged, getting more and more worried by the minute.
“You know that working at the 118 hasn’t really been a walk in the park for a while?” Buck began to mumble out haltingly.
“And I can never apologize enough for that.” Eddie hugged Buck tighter, doing his best to avoid putting pressure on Buck’s bruises.
“Jacobsen, Hedley and Marks took it to a whole other level.” Buck admitted after taking a few deep breaths. “It started with shoulder shoves and small pushes out of the way, then it became locker checks…”
“Locker checks?” Eddie interrupted.
“It’s when you shove someone against a locker with enough force to hurt.” Buck explained softly, before he shrugged. “After that the shoves just become harder and harder, I guess.”
“That does sort of explain the bruise that spans your entire back and concentrated on your shoulder blades.” Eddie muttered, more to himself than to Buck. “But your spine looks really bad and why to you have hand prints on your shoulder and hip?”
“Two days ago, Hedley pushed me into a doorframe.” Buck winced at the memory. “I hit my back, mostly my spine, pretty hard.”
Eddie fought down a growl and did his best not to let his anger take over. “And the hand prints?”
Buck started to fidget around and Eddie looked down and saw Buck scratching and pinching the insides of his lower arms, making them look like he had been in a car accident or something.
“Buck…Buck… Evan… please just breath.” Eddie did his best to help Buck calm down but nothing he did worked. Finally he decided to try something that helped after Christopher had had a nightmare or when he was feeling sick or sad.
“The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between.
But not you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams:
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away…”
Eddie trailed of when he felt Buck relax and lean against him as he calmed down. Eddie had never really been a great singer but this song he had learned when Christopher was a newborn. He used to sing it over the phone to his son the few times he had the chance when he was deployed and then continued after he had gotten home.
They sat in silence for a while, Buck with his head buried in Eddie’s chest as he listened to Eddie’s heartbeat and Eddie with his chin resting atop of Buck’s head while stroking his hands up and down Buck’s arms.
“Marks…” Buck murmur broke the silence, but he faltered.
Eddie decided not to push, letting Buck tell him in his own time. His patience was rewarded after a couple of minutes as Buck began to speak again.
“Do you remember the day that Marks started later than everyone else because he had a meeting of some kind?” Buck asked softly.
“Yeah, he arrived back after the rest of us had gone out on a call.” Eddie nodded.
“When he arrived back and you where gone he walked into the locker room to change and I was getting dressed after a shower.” Buck explained haltingly, like he weighed his words carefully before he spoke them. “I was pulling up my pants when he shoved me against the lockers and held me there by the hip and shoulder.”
Eddie felt dread clog up his chest and throat, a thought and quick prayer flew through his mind, “Querido Dios, por favor déjame equivocarme.”
“Buck, what happened?” Eddie asked softly.
“Marks, he…uhm, he gave me a weird look and told me I was such a pretty boy.” Buck stuttered out. “He said that because of my obvious ‘pleasing people’ thing that I would make the perfect sub, I just needed a firm hand, then he…”
“What did he do?” Eddie whispered, keeping his voice low as a way to not show his anger.
“He shoved himself between my legs and forced his tongue down my throat.” Buck sobbed as he let his tears fall. “You guys came back before he could do anything else, but since then he has been cornering me wherever he can, kissing me and slapping or squeezing my ass and I… I just can’t do it anymore.”
Buck stopped talking for a while and Eddie didn’t know what to do. He knew what he wanted to do, but beating Marks to death wouldn’t help anyone, least of all Buck.
“Maybe he’s right.” Buck spoke up suddenly with a tone of resignation. “Maybe I'm only good for sex and being on my knees.”
“No hables así, mi amor.” Eddie murmured. “You are amazing, okay? You are a great firefighter, an awesome friend and the best co-parent anyone could ever ask for.”
“Co-parent?” Buck looked up at him with confused blue eyes.
“Buck, you and me, we have basically been co-parenting Chris since that time you introduce me to Carla.” Eddie smiled softly. “Chris has actually been wanting to ask if he could call you papa but he doesn’t want you to say no so he hasn’t asked yet.”
“I… I … I don’t know what to say.” Buck admitted.
“Be honest with him when he asks, that’s all he wants.” Eddie murmured. “But back to what you told me, you should tell someone higher up about Marks.”
“Why?” Buck asked slowly. “It’s not like they care.”
“Of course, they care.” Eddie exclaimed but even as he did, he could see why Buck thought that they didn’t.
Buck kept fidgeting until suddenly he got up and started to pace back and forth while scratching at his lower arms again.
Eddie felt like a vice was squeezing his chest as he heard Buck mutter, “Dirty… so dirty… can’t get him off… still there…”
“Buck?” Eddie placed a hand on Buck’s arm.
“Don’t touch me!” Buck stumbled away from him, then quieter he said. “You can’t touch me, I'm dirty.”
“You're not dirty, cariño.” Eddie murmured softly. “And even if you were covered in mud and clay, I would still want you in my arms.”
“I just want it to be over.” Buck cried quietly as he sank down against a wall. “Just fall asleep and not wake up.”
“Please don’t say that, mi amor.” Eddie begged. “I can’t lose you! I just can’t, I love you too much.”
“What am I supposed to do?” Buck looked up at Eddie with pleading eyes.
Eddie looked at Buck quietly for a while before he got a determined look in his eyes. “This is what we’ll do. Tomorrow you and me and Christopher take a trip to the Zoo like he has been wanting for a while. Then Sunday, we spend the whole day watching movies and eating junk food. And lastly, on Monday, before we go into work, we go to HQ and talk to them about what has been going on and then we get you a therapist. Sounds okay?”
“I don’t want to go to a therapist.” Buck pushed himself closer to the wall. “I don’t want to have sex with them again to be able to get back to work.”
“What?” Eddie asked shocked.
At first Buck didn’t say anything but after a few seconds the whole thing with Dr. Wells came spilling out and Eddie wanted nothing more than to wrap Buck up in a blanket and protect him from the rest of the world… after ‘accidentally’ hitting Dr. Wells… with a car… going 100mph.
“Buck, Evan, what Dr. Wells did was coercion and rape, it was not your fault.” Eddie tried to reassure.
“I didn’t say no.” Buck admitted quietly.
“Did you say yes?” Eddie wanted to know and when Buck shook his head he continued. “Then it’s still rape.”
“But I didn’t say no.” Buck repeated, sounding more unsure.
“Did you want to have sex with Dr. Wells?” Eddie asked seriously.
“No.” Buck admitted hesitantly.
“Then it’s rape.” Eddie sustained with certainty.
“But I…” Buck began.
“Would I lie to you about something like this?” Eddie looked Buck deeply in the eyes.
Buck shook his head and sobbed, letting all the emotions of the day out and for once, feeling safe, wrapped in the arms of the man he loved.
A/N: Done! I hope you liked it <3
Translations:
Querido Dios, por favor déjame equivocarme – Dear God, please let me be wrong.
No hables así, mi amor – Don’t talk like that, my love.