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Technically, as of three months ago, Klaus and Ben are banned from this specific grocery store.
Well, Klaus is banned. Ben is allowed to go in and stare at the food on the shelves as much as his little ghost heart desires.
Anyway, just because Klaus is banned didn’t mean that Johnny Spirit (Klaus wearing a disguise, that disguise being a hat and sunglasses), isn’t. And that’s why today, at eleven-twenty-four PM on a Thursday, Klaus is slinking around the grocery store in a hat and sunglasses he stole from his ex’s car hoping to pocket some snacks.
“You need to pay for that,” Ben says in his annoying, whiny, judgmental ghost voice.
“You need to get out of my hair,” Klaus snaps back, throwing another chocolate bar in with the others just to make Ben roll his eyes. The fluorescent lights buzz above him, and there’s a crowd mingling in the corner, moaning. Who knew so many people die in Aldi? “Has anyone ever told you you’re a boring loser, Ben?”
“Yeah, you make sure to tell me every morning just in case I forget. What happened to having respect for the dead?”
“I’ll respect your right to be a little bitch when you respect my right to do whatever I want.”
“I’m a little bitch now? You’re the asshole stealing chocolate and talking to himself in the middle of Aldi,” Ben snarks back.
Klaus waves his hands around and scoffs loudly while he thinks of something to say back. His brain’s a little fuzzy right now, but not fuzzy enough, which is why he’s saving his cash for later. An older woman a few meters down the aisle glances over at him surreptitiously and he gives her a charming smile, then turns back to hiss at a very unimpressed Ben. “And no one’s making you watch.”
“Unfortunately for me, you’re the only person I can talk to!”
“Unfortunately for YOU? Imagine how I feel. You’re a walking, talking party-pooper.”
“You’re such a moron. You’re stealing Bounty bars? You fucking hate coconut! UGH!”
“I hate you, too, and yet here you are,” Klaus says.
Ben’s face darkens – he might be hurt, or angry. Klaus doesn’t really care. “I wish I was stuck with literally anyone else on the planet, you know that?”
“The feeling is mutual,” Klaus mutters, like he always does. This is a pretty normal conversation for them. He slips a bag of salt-and-vinegar chips down the front of his pants, when suddenly—
“Oh my God!” Ben sounds sickeningly excited, his voice high and loud. Klaus winces. “It’s Vanya!”
“What?” He spins around, looking in the direction Ben’s pointing at, and true enough, there’s little Number Seven looking at the magazine rack. “Oh, shit.”
He ducks down to hide behind the shelves, hoping she isn’t in the mood for chips. Ben’s wandered off out of sight, probably gone to check up on Vanya like the invisible stalker he is. Klaus, feeling risky, peers around the shelf.
Vanya looks… older. Not taller, though, Klaus thinks, but older, more tired. She’s cut her hair shorter since the last time Klaus saw her, which was what, when they were seventeen? So like, three, four years ago? He wonders what kind of Vanya-things she’s up to these days. He doesn’t really remember anything she did back when they lived together. Didn’t she play the flute or something?
“Hi Vanya,” Ben says quietly. Moron. She can’t hear him. “How are you? I’ve missed you.”
Vanya, oblivious, chews her lip and stares intently at the magazines with dark, solemn eyes. Jesus.
Klaus notes that her bangs have grown out, too, and now hang at that awkward length where they’re too short to be layers and too long to be stylish. It’d kind of weird to see her forehead.
The violin, he remembers. Vanya played the violin.
She picks up a magazine on home styling, squints at it, and puts it back down. She’s unaware of Ben hovering over her shoulder, gazing at her like she’s the messiah.
Okay, this is getting pathetic. It’s even worse than the time they ran into Diego because the incredible crime-fighting Number Two apparently had the bright idea of busting Klaus’ dealer. Man that had been awkward.
Klaus waves a hand frantically, trying to catch Ben’s attention. Ben ignores him, too busy following Vanya as she walks to the health food aisle. Klaus catches a glimpse of the basket in her hands – eggs, waffles, bread, milk, one pear, peanut butter. So boring. Though what else would he expect from his littlest, least interesting sister?
Klaus considers just crawling out the door and finding his dealer, and letting Ben catch up to him whenever, but thinks that this might be considered suspicious. Especially when his pockets are full of stolen goods.
He picks the wrong moment to stick his head around the corner, and accidentally makes direct eye contact with Vanya. She freezes – he falls over and knocks a whole bunch of things off the shelf.
“Klaus?” He chooses not to answer, scrambling to pick up all the things he scattered on the ground before an attendant comes over.
Vanya’s small feet appear in the corner of his vison. He sighs, accepting that this is happening, and glares at Ben. Ben smiles in the self-satisfied way he always does when Klaus screws something up, which admittedly is often.
“Hey, Vanya!” He says brightly, injecting surprise into his voice, and a gladness that he doesn’t really feel. “What a coinkidink, running into you here! How’ve you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been, uh, fine,” she says uncertainly, looking down at the things in his arms. He shoves them all back on the shelf. “What about you?”
“Oh, you know me, I’m always dandy, just living the high life,” Klaus laughs. Ben rolls his eyes.
“That’s good,” Vanya says earnestly, not quite the best at picking up on signals. “It’s really nice to see you.”
“Couldn’t agree more,” Klaus lies.
“What are you – what are you doing these days?” She asks, sounding far too desperate for Klaus’ liking. He resigns himself to the fact that this conversation isn’t going to be as short as he had hoped.
“So many things,” he breathes. “So many exciting things, Vanya. Seeing the world, discovering myself, the usual.”
“Liar,” Ben hisses.
“Oh,” Vanya says, nodding. “Cool. So you’re, like, clean?”
“It sure is,” he says sincerely – well, false sincerity, but he doubts she can tell the difference – and doesn’t answer the rest of her question. “Well, I’m going to—”
“Oh, yeah, of course—”
He starts to edge past her. “It’s just, you know how it is—”
“Maybe – maybe I could – give you my number? We could catch—”
“Oh, I don’t actually have a phone,” Klaus says, which is the first true thing he’s said today. At her surprised look, he bites the inside of his cheek. “It just doesn’t really fit into my lifestyle, you dig?”
“I – dig,” Vanya says, then pulls a face. “No, I – that makes sense. Sorry – don’t worry about it.”
Deciding not to draw attention to the fact that she seemingly just had a conversation with herself, Klaus gives her a wide smile. “Maybe I’ll see you around!” He makes a mental note to stay away from this supermarket.
Vanya nods, not quite looking him in the eye. Behind her, Ben is giving Klaus a death stare. “Oh, yeah—"
There’s some kind of commotion at the front entrance of the store, a loud noise of something being knocked over that makes Klaus, Vanya, and Ben automatically duck down, despite the fact that one of those people is invisible.
“What was that?” Vanya whispers.
“Make yourself useful and go see what that was, won’t you, dear?” Klaus says to Ben.
Ben, who would normally stay put out of spite, gets up and does what he’s told just because his second-favourite sibling’s here. Jeez. Typical.
“Um, what?”
“Not you,” Klaus says.
“Are you – is there a ghost?”
He doesn’t consider telling her about Ben. Some mean part of him doesn’t want her to know. “Huh? Yeah, of course. You know how many people die in supermarkets?”
Vanya looks alarmed.
“Yeah, me neither. But apparently it’s a lot.”
“I don’t—”
“There’s a guy with a gun,” Ben says urgently, sprinting back. “He’s robbing the place.”
Klaus groans, slumping. “Oh, you have got to be kidding me.”
“What? What is it?” Vanya asks, fear and impatience seeping into her voice. God, that sounds familiar.
“We’re being robbed,” he tells her mournfully. Could this night get any lamer? He just wants to get out of here and get high, damnit.
“Oh,” Vanya squeaks. “That’s not good.”
“Right? Like hello, some of us have plans,” he grumbles, and Vanya looks at him funny.
The robber starts yelling, or maybe that’s the cashier, and then there’s the sound of gunfire. Klaus finches and throws his arms over his head – Vanya screams, short and sharp, before covering her mouth.
“Follow me,” Ben urges. “There’s a clear path to get out, I’ll show you.”
Klaus decides not to make fun of him, just for now. He starts to leave, then remembers Vanya’s there. He sighs. Things just have to be so complicated. But Ben would literally find a way to murder him if he leaves her behind. “Vanya, come on, get up,” he whispers. “There’s a path to the exit. Follow me.”
“What?” She looks up at him fearfully. “How do you know?”
“I have a guide,” he says, gesturing to Ben, who looks very pleased to be acknowledged. “Now let’s scram.”
Vanya gets up and they follow Ben, winding around the shelves and staying close to the ground while the cashier and robber yell at each other. They manage to stay out of sight, and they’re almost at the door when someone else busts in.
“Drop the gun!” growls a very familiar man in a stupid mask and a leather harness.
“Oh. My. God,” says Ben.
“Man, come on,” Klaus moans. “What is this, a family reunion? We’re collecting the whole set?”
“What?” Vanya says, for like the millionth time. She’s not even looking.
“Four Hargeeves siblings is too many to fit in a single grocery store,” he mutters.
“I don’t take up much room,” Ben points out.
The robber with the gun swings it around to point at Diego, who is unfazed. “You! Stay out of this! I’ll shoot!”
Vanya furrows her brow. “Four?”
“Yeah, what?” He blinks. “Oh, four. No - I mean three. He doesn’t count.”
She looks lost. “Who?”
Diego throws an array of knives at the robber’s hands and feet, who shrieks, the gun clattering to the ground. The cashier screams. Vanya says;
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh is right,” Klaus says to himself. The situation seems resolved, so he stands up and brushes himself down. “Well, I’d better make myself scarce before he catches me here.”
“You’re having a fight?”
“We might be, if I don’t get outta here fast.”
But he’s too late. “Jesus Christ. Klaus?”
Klaus winces, and turns around, holding his hands out. “Woah, hi Diego, dear brother of mine! Long time no—”
“Vanya?” Diego says incredulously, looking between them, absentmindedly putting his spare knives away.
“Hi,” Vanya says, sounding significantly less enthusiastic to see him than she had been to see Klaus, which warms his cold heart a little.
Ben, on the other hand, looks utterly thrilled to see Number Two, which is annoying, considering how rude Diego was the last time they crossed paths.
“What are you doing here?” Diego asks, which is a pretty stupid question in Klaus’ opinion, but he doesn’t get a chance to say so, because at that exact moment the robber lurches to their feet, shouting, and shoves Diego so hard that he stumbles and falls.
Diego’s skull hits the edge of the metal shelf with a hard, painful-sounding crack.
Vanya jumps back and squeals. “Oh my God!”
“Ah, shit,” Klaus says, starting to panic. The robber, bleeding from the knives embedded in their hands, runs out of the store and escapes into the night. “Shit, Diego, just – can you hear me? Oh, Jesus.” He doesn’t believe in Jesus, but if there is such a man, his help would be much appreciated right about now.
Diego’s eyes flutter, blood oozing from his forehead. “Ow,” he says.
Ben looks like he’s having a crisis in the background. Vanya does too, going even paler, she stands, pacing, hands moving restlessly. “Oh, man, that looks bad. I should – I should call for help.”
“Cashier already called,” Ben says.
“Cashier already called,” Klaus repeats dully.
“Oh.”
“I’m fine,” Diego slurs. “Don’t need any fuckin’ help. I’m goin’ home.”
“I don’t think that’s such a smart idea, Catwoman,” Klaus says wisely, trying not to show that his hands are shaking. God. He just wanted a fun night. “Your head’s been like, fully smushed.”
“Don’t tell him that!” Vanya says, voice strained. She takes a bottle of pills from her pocket, the rattling sound piquing Klaus’ interest, and swallows one dry. “Just don’t let him fall asleep.”
“I know,” Klaus snaps.
Diego tries to sit up. “This is b-bu-bullshit,” he says slowly, squinting. Klaus puts a hand on his shoulder and gently pushes him back down. It’s a testament to how bad the injury must be that Diego just lets himself be pushed, slumping back onto the filthy linoleum tiles. “Fuck’s sake,” he says faintly.
“Oh, God,” Vanya whispers. “What if he – I mean--”
“He’ll be fine,” Ben says, not sounding confident. “He’s gotta be.”
Diego’s eyes slip shut.
“Don’t let him sleep!” Vanya barks, which startles Klaus so much that he ends up smacking Diego on the chest.
“Guh,” Diego says, peeling his eyes open.
“Wakey wakey,” Klaus says, a lot more cheerfully than he really feels. “You with me?”
“M’tired,” Diego says irritably. “Leave m-m-me al—” His words fade and he starts to fall sleep again.
“Just stay awake, is that so hard?” Klaus cries. “If you die, I swear, I’ll be so pissed, you hear me, bro? I don’t want your do-gooder ass following me around for the rest of time.”
“Klaus,” Ben says, frowning. Klaus puts his hands out like what am I supposed to say?
Vanya crouches beside him, nudging him out of the way. “Diego? You okay?” Her voice wavers.
“M’head hurts,” he says. “Where’s ‘Dora?”
Vanya hesitates. She glances at Klaus and he shakes his head quickly. “Um, who’s that?”
Diego breathes out of his nose, blood running into his eyebrow. He starts to nod off again. “Ugh.”
“Hey, hey, this is no time to sleep,” Vanya says, her voice soft but desperate. “Tell me about Dora!”
“Dora’s m’best friend,” Diego slurs. “Don’t tell ‘er I said that. Or th’ I called ‘er D-Dora. She hates th-th-tha—”
“He’s going insane,” Klaus whispers. “He has an imaginary friend.”
“Shut up,” Ben says.
“She sounds nice,” Vanya says, smiling. Diego smiles back weakly. “Hey, uh, good job taking down the criminal back there. I didn’t know you were still doing that. I felt very, um,” she looks to Klaus for help again.
“Protected!” He says loudly. “I feel so safe at night knowing that you’ll be around to keep the streets safe from those low-life criminals, Dee.”
“Uh, yeah. What he said,” Vanya murmurs. Finally, there is the sound of sirens in the distance, and Klaus lets out a breath. Okay. Soon this will all be over. “I’m, uh, I’m thinking of writing a book?”
Diego blinks slowly. “What kind?”
“An autobiography,” Vanya says, sounding embarrassed.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.” She goes red, and grits her teeth. “Maybe it’s dumb.”
“Tell her it’s a good idea,” Ben urges. “She should do it if she wants!”
“I don’t know,” Klaus says, ignoring him. “What would you even have to write about?” He laughs, imagining it. “You spent your whole childhood in one tiny boring room, in a house full of self-obsessed idiots.”
“Maybe that could be the title,” Vanya says in a strange voice.
“Ugh, be quiet,” Diego says, and though he’s pretty out of it and doesn’t seem to be talking to anyone in particular, Vanya’s face darkens.
She doesn’t say another word, while the paramedics take Diego away on a stretcher, and when one says, “Are you his friend?” Vanya stares at the ambulance speeding away and looks like she’s about to say no.
“Yes!” Klaus interrupts, slinging an arm around her shoulders and breaching the appropriate amount of distance between them. “Yes, we’re his friends. Will he be okay?”
Vanya looks at him funny while the paramedic talks and talks. Later, when they’ve made their statements and are allowed to leave, he pulls his arm away. The distance between them grows, and she hesitates.
“Are you… do you have somewhere to go?”
“What, me?” He sees Ben looking at him pleadingly, glances at Vanya’s tired, lonely looking face, and makes the executive decision to lie. “Yeah, I got a place. Why?”
“Oh,” Vanya says, embarrassment colouring her cheeks in the bright yellow light of the streetlamp above them. “No reason. Guess I’ll see you around.” She doesn’t give him her number, which he’s glad for because then he doesn’t have to pretend to lose it, and gives him a small wave goodbye before turning and walking home.
“Bye!” Klaus calls after her, then spins and starts to march in the opposite direction. There’s still a pound of melting chocolate in his jacket and a packet of chips down his pants. He pulls the latter out and rips them open. He hates salt-and-vinegar. He munches down on them anyway.
“You are such a dick,” Ben mutters from beside him. “And a liar. Which shitty ex is it gonna be this time, Klaus? The one who hits you, or the one who’s engaged?”
“Nuh uh,” Klaus tuts, veering into a familiar alleyway. “First things first.”
Ben says nothing, trailing after him silently. The quiet is welcome. Ten minutes later, after Klaus has been relieved of all his remaining money and has a healthy dose of poison running through his veins, he can hardly see Ben either. Just another night gone by, and maybe there’ll be another one tomorrow or maybe there won’t.
Klaus doesn’t spare it another thought, and lets his mind go dumb. Enough bad memories have been stirred up and thrown together in the same grocery store for one night.