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There was always a sense of calm with the coming of a storm. The sky gloomy and the air crisp with a chill. A forecast that made most stay home had the opposite effect on Remus Lupin. He was drawn to the outdoors during the rain, the inviting memories of youth in every puddle. As the intensity of the rain increased, the civilians around him sped up and rushed into the shops to escape the wet. Remus did not. He continued on leisurely through the cobblestone street, allowing the rain to soak his hair and wet the skin beneath his layers.
Remus’ destination came into view as he rounded the corner. The bookshop, Flourish and Blotts, was brick with green paneling and inviting windows. He was hit with a wave of heat as he ducked into the bookstore and out of the rain. The building was quiet, not so unusual for a bookstore, especially during the rain. Dressed in a pair of oxford’s with a worn sweater, khaki trousers, and tote bag over his shoulder, Remus knew he was a walking cliche browsing books in the second-hand shop. It became a habit of his to visit a bookshop every new place he went; the appeal of reading from the same book as a stranger from a different town being too alluring to him to turn from. Not that London was a new place for Remus to find himself. He always got an inexplicable urge to spend time in the city away from the lonely isolation of his hometown. Even though it meant taking the train for three hours, Remus felt it to be a worthy escape from normality.
Strolling through the shelves of books looming meters above him, Remus headed toward the back of the shop. It was dark and crowded, providing a comforting feeling in its lack of uniformity. It was dimly lit with the orange glow of lamps scattered about the shop, natural light unable to spread so far into the depths of the room. Obscured from the view of the windows, where presentation was less of a priority, books were crammed in shelves and stacked on the floor. Remus scanned up and down the shelves, taking in the wide range of books cluttering the shelves. He paused and narrowed in on a certain book that caught his eye. While a frequent reader and bookshop visitor, Remus was not a literary expert by any stretch of the imagination. However, he knew this book was unlike anything he could hope to find among the range of books at a second-hand shop.
Delicately, he pulled the book from the shelf, careful as to not knock anything over. It was a copy of The Count of Monte Cristo which appeared to be a first edition. It was made of worn brown leather with the title embezzled in gold. He ran his hand along the spine, feeling the cracks and ridges of the binding. The pages were nicely yellowed and it carried the traditional scent of an old book. It was the first volume of the book and he gently flipped it open to the copyright page where the words “First Edition” where printed in ink. He would have to bring it to a professional to confirm its worth but Remus could not believe he’d found such a beauty.
In examining the book, Remus turned past the copyright page where he came across writing in the book. It was written on a page which seemed to have been binded into the book apart from the original binding. The page was whiter and thicker than the other pages. Due to the age of the book, he assumed the inscription was from centuries ago. Reading the neat cursive proved him wrong一
Dear Sirius,
I hope this finds you well. I remember how much you cherished father’s collection of novels so I took this book from his study. I’m not sure if you’ve ever read it but after what happened I decided to pick it up. It seems foolish now, like reading a book would somehow make what they did better. What I did better. I suppose I just thought it would help me know how it felt. For you.
Anyways, I wanted to apologize I guess. For everything. And because we both know that they won’t. So, I’m sorry. And I know that doesn’t really make it better. I never blamed you, by the way, for leaving. I was happy for you, that you got out. Maybe not at first. There was only anger, I think I was jealous. That you did what I never would.
I should have done this in person. I have always been a coward though. I hope that one day you can forgive me. Maybe we can meet up and talk.
Until then,
R.A.B
The page was dated back only two years ago. Remus wasn’t quite sure what to think of the letter. It seemed personal, vulnerable. Why had this Sirius gone and given it away? Could they not forgive their sibling? Or who Remus assumed was their sibling. He couldn’t help the curiosity blooming within him.
Remus closed the book and headed through the maze of shelves to the front desk. Thoughts were racing through his head. He no longer thought of the potentially valuable book in his hand but what the book contained. It was personal and the exact reason that he purchased his books second-hand.
He reached the till and stood in front of an older man. The man had the look of someone who was tired, an existence of boredom. Remus handed him the book with an awkward "hello" and hoped it didn’t scan in to be thousands of pounds. Perhaps he should have thought about that before committing to purchase the book.
“Eighteen pounds,” the man said in a gravelling voice that fit his look very nicely. Remus handed him a twenty pound note and slipped the book carefully into his tote bag.
“Keep the change,” he replied and headed quickly for the door before the man could realize he’d made a mistake. Either the man was daft and didn’t realize the value of the book, or he simply didn’t care.
The rain was down to a drizzle when Remus exited the store. His feet splashed through puddles as he walked along the cobblestone. Again, his mind wandered to the letter. He wasn’t sure why but he was compelled to find Sirius, or R.A.B. for that matter. He had a nagging feeling that he had heard the name Sirius somewhere but couldn't palace where or when. Overall, something seemed off about finding such a valuable book with such personal information inside. He was determined to find out what.
***
After an uneventful train ride that filled his socializing quota for the day, Remus arrived home and got to investigating. He sat at his desk and turned on his laptop. Given that he only had a first name and initials to go off of, he didn’t have much hope for finding any helpful information. Staring at the search bar, Remus drummed his fingers against the keyboard. Deeming R.A.B. to be a lost cause, Remus typed “Sirius” into the search engine. While it was a unique name which limited the search pool, all he turned up with was an American broadcasting company and the star. He even tried “Sirius B” under the assumption that the two correspondents were related and would share the same last initial. The only result of that was Remus getting caught in an internet worm hole reading about the different between Sirius A and Sirius B.
His only saving grace was that he knew almost certainly that he had heard the name Sirius before. He thought hard about the name. Never an astronomy buff, Remus could rule out a mental connection to the star. But what else could it be? Frustrated, he slammed his laptop shut and went to scrounge up some dinner. This would have to wait another day.
***
Remus groaned at the sound of his alarm. Waking up early had never been a specialty of his. If the early bird gets the worm then he was going to starve. Languidly he reached over to silence the piercing singing coming from the clock. He didn’t know why he’d decided to set his alarm to play the radio, he’d end up with "Black Dog" stuck in his head for the rest of the day. He immediately shot up in bed. Black Dog. Sirius Black. He knew that name.
Scrambling out of bed we winced when his bare feet touched the cold floor. With a shiver he sat down at his desk and flipped open his laptop with way more force than necessary. Squinting at the bright screen in his otherwise dark room, Remus typed “Sirius Black” into the search bar and hit enter. His suspicions were confirmed when he read over the first article title, “Disgraced Heir of Earl Orion Black Released from Azkaban Penitentiary.” That was why the name was familiar, it was all over the news a few years back. Remus had never paid attention to British nobility but this would have been hard to miss. It was a huge scandal, something about Sirius Black being arrested only to be found innocent and released after trial. He could have read over the article but he was too excited to have actually connected the dots. That is, assuming this Sirius Black was the Sirius from the letter. It made a bit of sense though, the expensive book, the posh calligraphy, and the references to parents who seemed less than loving.
Now that he knew who Sirius was he needed a course of action. He couldn’t just show up at the man’s house all like “Hey I heard about you on the news! Here’s a book that might belong to you. Or maybe it was donated for a reason and this entire thing was stupid. I hope you aren’t actually a murderer who’s going to kill me!”
He resigned himself to the reality that this entire investigation of his was certainly too inquisitive and if Sirius was a murderer, then he deserved to be killed for snooping into his life. Going out on a limb he searched “Sirius Black address,” shocked when something actually came up. He pulled out a pen and notepad and scribbled down the address that popped up. It was a flat in London. Of course Remus had no sure way of confirming the address, all he could do was find out for himself if Sirius Black lived there. And see if he was missing a book.
***
Remus took a deep breath. He couldn’t believe he was actually going through with this. Now his second day in a row in London, at this rate he should just move to the city. He hovered his fist over the door to the flat and knocked.
He waited a moment. And another. Just when he thought no one was going to answer the door and that his entire trip had been a waste, the door opened a crack. He could only see a sliver of the man standing in the doorway. Shoulder length black hair and a single grey eye piercing through the opening. Remus didn't even know eyes could be grey like that. In hindsight, he should have done more research on Sirius Black before showing up at what was maybe his flat. He’d been too excited to have a lead that he ignored any further research. He didn't even know what the man looked like, if this was him or not.
“Hello?” the man said, breaking Remus from his thoughts. It was phrased like a question, and reasonably so since Remus was a stranger who showed up at his doorstep and did nothing but gawk.
“Uh—hi. Are you Sirius Black?” At this point Remus was regretting all his decisions from the past two days.
“Who’s asking?” maybe-Sirius replied. Even from the small sliver he could see of the man he could see his eyebrow raised in question.
“Remus Lupin,” he stuck out his hand but maybe-Sirius took no move to shake it. He cleared his throat, “I might have your book. Uh if you’re Sirius….and missing a book.”
“If you’re a journalist here for some stupid article then I advice you get the fuck off of my property,” despite the venom in his words, maybe-Sirius didn’t seem angry. He seemed more frustrated, and tired.
“No! No I—” he couldn’t finish so instead he reached into his tote and pulled out the book. He held it in front of him so Sirius could see. Something that may have been recognition flashed in the man’s eye. He pulled the door open wider and backed up to welcome Remus inside.
The first thing Remus noticed wasn’t the flat which was expertly furnished with pieces that probably could have paid off his student debt, but how attractive the man was. He was dressed leisurely in a t-shirt and jeans that had Remus’ eyes lingering a bit too long but he had the appearance of aristocracy. High cheekbones and unblemished tan skin, Remus knew he had to be the heir of the Black family.
“So, Sirius Black?” he asked, hoping for an answer this time. The man remained by the door, leaning on the frame. It seemed like he was prepared to open the door for Remus to leave at any moment.
“Yeah,” he replied, “sorry about before. It’s just that you never know when someone is trying to gain something from you. Especially after—” Sirius drifted off, seemingly trying to avoid directly mentioning what Remus had seen all over the news. “So what was this about a book?” He looked directly at Remus now, making eye contact that made him increasingly uncomfortable.
“I—uh—found this first edition copy of Monte Cristo at a second hand shop and there’s a note in it addressed to a Sirius and I assumed it was you.” He kept his eyes locked on Sirius’ nose, which probably seemed very odd but he just needed to avoid the other man’s intense stare.
Not knowing how to keep his mouth shut, Remus continued. “I don’t exactly know why I thought to bring it to you. It was donated for a reason. I just thought maybe it was an accident, it seemed like something someone would cherish not throw away. Not that I have any right to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. If it’s even yours. I assumed there aren't many ‘Sirius’’ in London so.” he stopped his rambling with a grimace. Before giving Sirius a chance to reply, he held the book out to the other man. Sirius removed himself from his spot against the door and took the book from Remus. He looked from Remus to the book in his hands and back.
“The note is before the copyright page,” he supplied. It seemed like Sirius had never seen the book before, or at least it was never in his possession. Remus wondered if R.A.B. had just donated it instead of giving it to him.
Sirius opened the book and as soon as he began scanning the words, lowered himself into one of the arm chairs. His face broke, destroying the closed off facade he’d had since Remus knocked on his door. Remus wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He felt awkward, like he was imposing on something personal. Sirius looked indescribably sad, Remus was curious what the story was with this man and R.A.B..
“Are you okay?” he finally decided to ask. Sirius looked up at him, startled, like he had forgotten the other man was there. Remus noticed tears filled his eyes, refusing to fall until he blinked twice and a tear rolled down his cheek.
“Thank you,” Sirius whispered. Remus decided then that Sirius Black did not seem like someone who would be blasted in scandal on the news. He wished he could remember what Sirius was involved in, cursing his lack of preparation.
“It was nothing. I thought you might want it,” Remus explained. “So it does belong to you? The book?”
“I— yeah. From my brother, though I haven’t seen it in years.” A pause. “You said you found it at a bookshop?”
“Yeah, Flourish and Blotts. It looks like a First Edition so it caught my eye. Not that I’m particularly into collecting old books.”
“Coming from old money meant the ‘rents liked to invest their money in collections of expensive shit. My brother and I were always fascinated by the books so,” he lifted the book slightly as if to say “here we are.”
“Well I’m glad that I could bring it to you,” Remus said with a small smile, unable to help himself. “I should uh,” he pointed toward the door, indicating that it was time he left.
“Oh, yeah right,” he said. Remus could not ignore that Sirius still looked sad. There was definitely a story behind his brother. But he would never ask, so he’d probably never know.
Remus hiked his tote bag further up his shoulder and headed toward the door to let himself out. Sirius remained on the armchair with the book in his lap until he abruptly stood up.
“Wait!” Remus turned to face the other man in question. “Would you let me take you out for coffee or something?” Sirius asked him.
Remus had a momentary freak out wondering if the attractive man before him was actually asking him out until Sirius continued.
“To thank you. For the book.”
“Oh,” Remus replied very cleverly, “sure I’d love to!” He may have sounded a bit too enthusiastic but Sirius didn’t seem phased. He wasn’t exactly smiling, the remnants of sadness still in his eyes, but he seemed pleased at least.
When neither spoke, or moved, he continued. “Like now?”
“If you want,” Sirius said with a shrug. He finally stood up from his spot on the armchair, book still in hand.
“Sure that’d be great. Thank you, Sirius.” The other man smiled at him and grabbed his keys off of the coffee table. Remus stood still as Sirius walked around him and opened the door, gesturing for Remus to exit.
The pair walked in silence down the London streets until they approached a quaint coffee shop. It had a very noticeable red door with an “open” sign hanging in the window. Sirius pulled open the door for Remus. Remus headed inside and admired the coziness of the shop. Everything was brown and wooden, a chalkboard was hung behind the serving counter with the menu written on it.
“Order whatever you’d like,” Sirius said from behind him. “It’s on me.”
Remus nodded and rehearsed his order in his head. He always ordered the same thing at coffee shops, earl gray tea with one sugar, but still found himself preparing to speak the words anyways. The pair got to the front of the line where a woman stood at the till. Her face broke out into a smile when her eyes laid on Sirius.
“Sirius!” she exclaimed. “It’s nice to see you.”
“You too Marlene.” Sirius had a warm smile on his face and surprised Remus by leaning over the counter and kissing her on the cheek.
“Sirius,” she scolded and swatted him away. “What can I get for you?”
“Black coffee for me and for my friend—” he drawled off and looked at Remus questioningly.
“Earl gray tea, one sugar,” he supplied.
“An earl gray tea with one sugar,” Sirius repeated to Marlene, as if she couldn’t have heard him herself.
“Coming right up,” Marlene said.
“You can get a table. I’ll pay and get our drinks,” Sirius addressed Remus.
Remus nodded and sat down at a table by the window. He watched Sirius from his seat as he chatted amicably with Marlene. He watched the way Sirius’ eyes crinkled when he smiled mid-conversation with Marlene, the way he blushed at something she said, the way their fingers brushed as she handed him their drinks, and the way he winked at her as he turned to head toward Remus. Not wanting to be caught staring, Remus idly picked at a loose thread on his sweater as if it was the most interesting thing in the world.
Sirius set down their drinks and Remus couldn’t help the words from escaping his mouth. “What’s up with you and Marlene?” he asked.
“Me and Marlene?” His eyebrows were furrowed.
“Yeah, you seemed...friendly. Are you two—” he drifted off.
“Oh!” Sirius exclaimed, seeming to get his drift. He chuckled before continuing. “No we’re just close friends and a bit too gay for that.”
Remus was a bit too shocked for a reply so he just nodded in understanding. Sirius looked like he had something he wanted to say but he stayed silent, pushing Remus’ tea toward him instead.
“Thanks,” he said, picking up the tea and taking a sip so he had something to do with his hands. And his mouth.
“Thank you. It’s really nice that you tracked me down to return the book.”
“Nice? I think the word you’re looking for is stalkerish.” Remus laughed.
“Maybe just a bit, but I really do appreciate it.”
“It was nothing.”
“Not to me,” Sirius replied. Remus lifted his gaze from the murkiness of his tea to look at Sirius. He looked as sincere as he sounded. Remus’ curiosity got the better of him.
“So, can I ask? About the book and R.A.B. and why I found a first edition at a second hand bookshop.” Remus hoped he wasn’t prying too much.
Sirius let out a sigh. Not a sigh that showed he was annoyed but a sigh of release. As if he was preparing himself to admit something.
“I’m assuming you know who I am?” he asked.
“I—” Remus wasn’t quite sure how to answer that. He landed on the most unhelpful answer possible. “Kind of?” It sounded like a question, like Sirius himself could tell Remus what he knew. If what he thought he knew was even true.
“I remember hearing about you on the news. Your name was familiar to me, your family's name was familiar to me. You were arrested? Or something,” Remus let out an awkward laugh. “I don’t pay much attention to that kind of stuff.”
Sirius hummed in response before answering. His fingers tapped on the table and he seemed to be mulling something over. Probably wondering how much to tell this nosey stranger who he felt indebted to.
“I ran away,” he began. “My parents found out I was gay and things got messy. I was tarnishing the Black name, I was a disgrace, etcetera etcetera.” He took a large breath and let it out before continuing. “I didn’t want to burden my best mate and his family with taking me in so I used the money in my account and rented a flat. Before I knew it, the cops were at my door and arresting me for embezzlement.
“They were saying that it wasn’t my money and that I was stealing from them. I was in prison a year awaiting trial. Even with the Black name I couldn’t get it pushed or get out on bail. My parents were probably bribing everyone involved. They couldn’t get to the jury though because I was found not guilty when I finally had a trial. It actually shocked me considering the influence of my family and the fact that everyone is terrified of them.
“Anyways, that’s my torrid backstory. It seemed like it was all anyone could talk about for a time. People kept showing up at my flat so I had to move. Yet somehow you still found me.” Sirius looked at Remus with a small smile. Remus didn’t have the heart to tell him that it really wasn’t that hard and people had probably just stopped caring and moved onto the next political scandal.
“My brother Regulus and I never got along that well later in life. He was content to go along with everything my parents told him whereas I was always doing something to rebel and disappoint them. He stood there and watched as they—” He took in a ragged breath, eyes fixed to a spot on the table. “He always went along with them, including when I spent a year in prison because of their spite. We only spoke once after I was disinherited. It was the next morning and I was drunk off my ass and I called him from outside the house. I begged him to leave, I told him we could get an apartment together. All he said was ‘Goodbye Sirius’ and hung up the phone.”
Remus kept his eyes on Sirius. He seemed lost in his own head, eyes still fixed determinedly on the table. His coffee sat untouched whereas Remus’ tea was empty, having drunk it during Sirius’ story to keep himself from interjecting or reaching out to the other man. He felt heartbroken for him and every terrible thing he had to suffer through. He also felt incredibly honored that Sirius had trusted him with the information. Maybe it was already public knowledge but there was something intimate about being told personally and not by some power hungry news reporter. His thoughts were abruptly interrupted when Sirius continued to talk.
“The uh book was from him I suppose. He must have intended to give it to me but never got the chance. My parents must have donated it when they went through his room after he—” Sirius’ breathing cut off his words. His chest heaved with large breaths like he was struggling to get air in. Something seemed wrong. Remus hovered above his seat, ready to go toward Sirius when he started to ramble. “I—I didn’t know he wanted to reach out to me. We never got to— I never got to—”
Tears were streaming down his face now and Remus felt his own rising panic. He didn’t know what to do. With little thought he reached over and grabbed Sirius’ wrist, intending to move him outside where he could get some fresh air. At his touch Sirius recoiled and Remus instantly scolded himself for trying to touch someone in the middle of a panic attack. Remus finally grabbed his tote and stood up next to Sirius.
“Please, Sirius,” he practically begged, gesturing to the door with his head. The man stood up abrupt and rushed to the door, as if only when Remus brought attention to it had it seemed like an option. Remus hurried behind him, pushing the door open when it closed and following Sirius’ hasty departure.
He looked around frantically for where Sirius had gone until he noticed him in a small alley beside the coffee shop. Remus walked toward him hesitantly, trying not to startle him again. Sirius sat against the brick wall of an adjacent shop, his knees to his chest and his head in his hands. He could hear his ragged breathing from where he stood a few meters away from Sirius. He knew Sirius would be okay, he’d had his fair share of panic attacks to that for sure, but he still felt like he should do something. If Sirius was anything like himself then perhaps all he needed was to know that someone was there for him. He leaned against the bricks beside Sirius and slid down the wall, ignoring the way the coarse bricks pulled at the denim of his jacket.
Remus’ hand fell helplessly to the ground between him and Sirius and he was shocked when Sirius’ hand intertwined with his own. He looked over at the other man, eyebrows raised and a question on his face. Except for moving his arm down to hold Remus’ hand, Sirius hadn’t moved at all. Remus could now see his eyes scrunched tightly closed and his glossy cheeks. Remus relaxed himself against the wall and closed his eyes, listening to the evening out of Sirius’ breathing.
Remus wasn’t sure how much time had passed when Sirius spoke again. “I’m sorry.”
His eyes flew open and he turned to stare at Sirius incredulously. “What? You have nothing to be sorry for. Truly. I should be the one apologizing. I never should have pushed you to talk.”
Sirius gave him a small smile. “It wasn’t your fault. I think all the emotions caught up with me. It was bound to happen eventually considering everything. I just—” he droned off.
“It’s okay. Feel better at least?”
Sirius chuckled in a self-pitying way. “Honestly? Not at all.”
Remus hummed in response and his eyes drifted down to their hands, still intertwined.
As if having the same thought, Sirius let out an “oh!” and removed his hand from Remus’. His cheeks were pink, and Remus didn’t think that it was from the tears. “Sorry about that. I didn’t realize I’d,” he gestured to Remus hand in explanation.
Remus went to place his hand on top of Sirius’ to show that it was okay but, remembering his previous mistake, decided against it.
“I didn’t mind.” He offered his most comforting smile. Or what he hoped was his most comforting smile and not a smile that made him look like a lunatic.
“Y’know, you’d think that by now I’d be numb to it. It’s been two years but it’s like I just can’t escape it.” Sirius let out an exaggerated sigh.
“‘Moral wounds have this peculiarity - they may be hidden, but they never close; always painful, always ready to bleed when touched, they remain fresh and open in the heart.’” Remus recited.
Sirius turned to him. “What?”
Remus could feel heat rising to his face in embarrassment. “It’s a quote. From The Count of Monte Cristo,” he explained.
“Ah, I never actually read it.”
Remus let silence settle over them for a moment before he spoke again. “You probably think I’m a right swot now.” He chuckled to try and cover his embarrassment.
“No. I think it was cute.” Sirius smiled at him and abruptly stood up, offering a hand to Remus. If his cheeks weren’t reddened before then they definitely were then. He took it and practically fell into Sirius with the momentum of his surprising strength.
“I’ll walk you to your flat,” Remus offered. He didn’t want to part ways with Sirius quite yet.
“Sure,” Sirius replied and once again they walked through the London streets in comfortable silence.
When they finally walked up the stairs to Sirius’ flat, Remus stood awkwardly by the door as Sirius fiddled with his keys.
“I hope you were able to finish your tea. That whole thanking you thing didn’t quite go as planned.”
Remus brushed him off. “No worries. I did actually finish it. And it was very good, my compliments to Marlene.”
“Maybe we’ll have to try this again sometime, you can tell her yourself.” Sirius had a coy smile on his face.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. Maybe I won’t bugger it up that time.”
“Bugger what up?”
“Taking you out.”
“Oh.” Oh. Remus felt heat rise to his face. “I think I’d like that.”
“Y’know I’d ask for your number but I’m sure you could find mine easy enough on your own.”
“Better to be safe than sorry I think.”
“I think so too. But no giving my number to the press,” he teased.
Remus raised his hand like he was taking a vow. “I solemnly swear.”
Sirius smirked at him and reached for something in his pocket. He pulled out a sleek black wallet and procured a business card. Remus wasn’t quite sure what Sirius did that caused him to have a business card but he wasn’t about to ask. He took the card, let his fingers linger on Sirius’ for just a moment too long, and dropped the card into his tote bag.
“So I guess I’ll see you around then?” Remus asked.
“I think you will,” Sirius replied.
Remus gave Sirius one last look and gave him a wave before turning around and heading down the stairs of the flat. As he exited the building and began his walk to the train station he passed a shop with its doors open in welcome. When he got closer he could hear familiar lyrics leaking from the shop.
“I gotta roll, can’t stand still. Got a flamin’ heart, can’t get my fill. Eyes that shine, burnin’ red. Dreams of you all through my head.”
Remus laughed to himself. Not to sound presumptuous but it seemed like maybe he was destined to find Sirius after all.