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Logan, frankly, didn’t care for superheroes.
Humans that by some luck of the draw had gained or been born with exceptional abilities were fine, but when they took it upon themselves to have their strange little turf wars all over the city? That’s when Logan got annoyed.
Logan grumbled under his breath, clutching his bag close to his chest as he crossed the street just under a jog, hoping to put as much distance between himself and the sound of the explosions echoing across the streets. While relatively used to this, he was still much closer to the action than he wanted to be. Scared for his life, always a great start to a day.
With a dull clunk, Logan’s water bottle slid out of his bag. The street was at just enough of an angle that it immediately started rolling back in the direction he had come. Logan swore, skidding to a halt and sliding back down the street to grab it before it bounced out of his reach.
It was difficult, shoving his way past people speed-walking the other direction while keeping track of the small rolling black cylinder on the ground, but eventually the crowd thinned out and Logan could move quicker. He gritted his teeth, ducking low to the ground before snagging it just as it slid underneath an abandoned car.
Logan stood up, panting as he looked around. His gaze narrowed as he took in several smoking pieces of metal protruding from the ground. It was absolutely deserted and the thick air made everything sound muffled. He needed to leave, sticking around here for any length of time could be quite hazardous-
“Hey!” a voice called, making Logan jump more than he was willing to admit.
Spinning around to find the source of the noise, Logan found a man not far off sticking half-out of a metal sphere taller than Logan, glasses askew. He waved cheerfully as Logan made eye-contact with him.
“Hi! How are you? Mind giving me a hand?”
Logan froze for a second before walking quickly over to the person. “Are you trapped?” he hissed, holding out a hand for them. “Are you in pain? Can you feel your limbs?”
“Oh no, silly, I’m fine,” the man said. “It’s my replicator that needs help!”
“Replicator?” Logan said, hesitating but not pulling his hand away, which he quickly regretted as the man grabbed it and dragged him down. On ground level, it was immediately apparent that the sphere had a cavity in the center, hollowing it out.
“Well, yeah, replicator, doubling machine, two-er tool, Sally, whatever you wanna call it,” he rambled. “Point is, it got thrown in the explosion and landed funny and now the shrink function isn’t working so I gotta hurry and fix that before anyone finds me. I’m Patton by the way!”
Patton gripped the edge of the machine and slid on his back, pulled himself in.Logan was left Logan alone in the open, staring at the lip of the crevice. Was he expected to follow him?
Patton popped back out after a few seconds, ushering Logan inside. “Come on! Let me give you a tour of my Two-er!”
Logan wrinkled his nose at Patton’s dirt-covered face before taking a deep breath and sliding into the sphere.
Without light, Logan couldn’t make out much of the replicator but he could tell that the walls were smooth except for dozens of small nodes sticking out. One of them on the far wall was pulsing erratically, barely illuminating the small space with flashes of light. Patton was leaning over a place in the wall close to the flashing node where a panel had been ripped off, revealing a mess of circuitry that was sparking slightly. Before Logan had time to voice any of the many questions bubbling up in his mind, Patton placed a flashlight in his hand. “Hold this.”
Logan stared at it, baffled. “What-”
“It would light my day if you turned it on and pointing it at me,” Patton said, pulling a pair of tweezers from his pocket.
“Oh,” Logan responded, flicking the light on. “Is this… machine yours?” he asked, slightly baffled.
“Yep! Normally I could just open it from the top and then it’d be full of light, but since the Two-er landed upside down-” Patton said as he poked at the circuitry around him.
“Oh, you’re going with Two-er,” Logan muttered.
“You’re right, that name might be a bit too cool,” Patton responded, sticking his hand in the wall.
“Is that safe? ”
“Yeah,” Patton said. He jerked back as sparks from the circuits flew into his face. “Uh- probably.”
Logan grimaced. “I’m leaving-”
“Wait- no-” Patton gripped Logan’s arm. “Please?”
“Look, I have to get to work-”
“You can always tell them you got caught up by the supervillain attack or whatever and take a day off,” Patton said. “Come on, you look like the kind of guy who needs a mental health day.”
Logan raised an eyebrow. “Fine. But you could probably do this on your own.”
“Nope! I need both my hands and if I tried to do this without light, it would definitely explode,” Patton said, far too cheerfully.
Logan flinched. “Are you trying to get me to leave? I won’t hesitate to sue you for allowing a civilian near dangerous machinery if I get hurt. You heroes are far too reckless.”
Patton chuckled. “Oh, I’m not a hero.”
Logan froze. “But you’re... in the streets, I doubt you’re a civilian, since the only people supposed to be here are heroes and-” He cleared his throat. “Ah- my apologies.”
“Oh, it’s no big deal, common mistake,” Patton responded. He looked up. “Is… is that a problem?”
“No, it’s just- I wouldn’t expect someone like you to-” Logan shook his head. “You seem very moral. You… give off moral vibes.”
“What?”
“‘Vibes,’ according to the urban dictionary, ‘a sense or feeling about a person, place or thing.’ Did I misinterpret that?”
Patton frowned. “No, no that’s right. I think. Uh, really though?” he pouted. “You’ve known me for two minutes?”
“I may have made a premature assumption due to all the attempts at sub-standard humor.”
Patton shrugged, pulling a roll of duct tape out of his pocket and ripped a piece off. “Aaaaand- done!” He leaned back, satisfied and replaced the panel. Patton snatched the flashlight back from Logan, and began crawling out of the sphere.
Logan sagged slightly in the relief that he would not be dying today and followed Patton out.
Back in the open, Logan ran his hands over the metal of the Two-er as Patton stretched.
“Well,” Patton said, swinging his arms. “Thanks for your help! You can get back to safety or whatever, I have to go before anyone finds me.”
“I don’t understand,” Logan said. “You’re a villain, correct?”
“Yep!”
“And this- this is some sort of-”
“-Two-er.”
Logan sighed. “Exactly. What is that.”
Patton looked confused at the question, glancing around. “Look, ah, it’s pretty self-explanatory-”
“ No? ”
“-and I think that you should leave before you get seen with me, I really gotta hurry.”
Logan nodded, fixing his hair. “Right, of course,” he muttered. He suddenly became aware of the large amount of dirt covering his black suit and was silently grateful that he hadn’t worn a white shirt today. “Are there many heroes currently in the area?”
“Hm? Oh, just the one, Dragonbreath. She was the one making all the explosions,” Patton idly placed his hand about half-way up the sphere. Logan's interest piqued as a small circle lit up bright blue. He watched as Patton placed two fingers on the circle and pinched slightly as if he was zooming out on a digital picture. Patton let go and the sphere abruptly shrunk in size until it was about as tall as Patton’s knees.
Logan stared at it. “How-” he whispered. “How did that-”
“Huh?” Patton looked up. “Oh, hang on.” He rolled it with slight effort until the opening was facing up.
“That- shrunk?”
“Makes it easy to carry around,” Patton said, examining the inside of the sphere.
Logan glanced nervously around the deserted street. The windows were all blocked out. “Can- can you show me what your… Two-er does?” Logan said softly.
“Oh, sure.” Patton picked up a random piece of rubble and leaned over the opening, dropping it in. Logan leaned forward to try and see what he was doing, but before he could get a better view, there was a small flash of light. Bouncing up, Patton reached into the Two-er and pulled out two pieces of rubble.
“Two-er!” he said proudly.
“I… I didn’t think it would be literal,” Logan said faintly.
“Why wouldn’t it be literal?”
“I don’t know- because it’s impossible using current technology?”
Patton glanced back and forth between the rubble in his hands to the machine. “Uh- looks pretty possible to me?”
Logan snatched the shards of rock from Patton's hand, studying them closely. As far as he could tell, they were exactly identical. “Incredible,” he whispered. “It’s like… some sort of 3D printer.”
“Uh, no,” Patton said. “I mean, maybe.” He tried to grab the rocks back from Logan but Logan turned away so he could continue studying.
“What else can it replicate?” Logan said. “What material is the fake rock made from?”
“It’s not fake,” Patton said, sounding genuinely confused. “It’s just made from rock. And it can replicate anything, as far as I know.”
“That’s impossible,” Logan said. “What happens if you try to replicate a living being?”
Patton sucked in a breath. “Ah-”
“Did you build this?” Logan interjected
“I thought we already established that, silly!”
Logan laughed shakily. “How?”
Patton shrugged, swiping for the rocks one more time and managing to pull them from Logan. “I dunno, I just did,” he said, throwing them behind him.
“Unbelievable,” Logan muttered, in a tone that was part awed, part exasperated.
Patton apparently took it as a compliment. “Thank-”
A distant explosion interrupted him, and the two of them tensed.
“Aw, fudgesicles,” Patton muttered.
“Is that-”
“That should be Dragonbreath, yeah,” Patton said.
Logan’s eyes widened. “Oh, Patton, I’m sorry, I should have-”
“Shh-” Patton said, slapping a hand over Logan’s mouth. “I don’t know if she knows where I am.”
Logan glanced around the area. Patton slowly let go of his grip on Logan’s face. “Why is she creating explosions?” Logan whispered.
“Probably to scare me out,” Patton responded.
“She sounded relatively far away. Are you sure she doesn’t have any companions?”
“Pretty sure, I wasn’t doing anything too awful,” Patton whispered back. “Why?”
“I don’t want-” Logan swallowed as he realized that what he was about to say sounded slightly absurd. “I don’t- think it would be optimal for you to be caught.”
Patton grinned. “Aw, you do care.”
Logan crossed his arms, and was about to contradict him (really, he was) when another explosion sounded in the distance. His head whipped towards the sound.
“Was that farther away?” Patton whispered.
“I believe so, yes,” Logan muttered back. He glanced at the Two-er, thoughtfully. “Patton?” he said.
“Yeah?”
Logan dusted himself off, standing slightly taller. “You can decline, but before I depart-”
“-and before Dragonbreath finds me.”
Logan nodded. “-yes that too. Would you mind teaching me a little about how your… machine works?”
Patton froze, head cocked slightly. “Oh- yeah- uh- why do you want to know?”
“It’s fascinating,” Logan responded. “I’ve never seen anything quite like it, and I would love to know how you mastered the technology.”
Patton hummed with thought. “Actually, Lo, I can do you one better,” he said after a moment.
Logan squinted, suspicious that Patton’s idea of ‘one better’ would be a hug or perhaps a batch of cookies. “What do you mean?”
Patton leaned in conspiratorially. “I can show you all of my machines,” he whispered. “And this way, we can run away from Dragonbreath! I’d have to give up on what I was doing but-” he shrugged. “It wasn’t that important.”
Logan grabbed the knot of his tie, gently tugging at it in excitement. “I suppose that would be fine,” he said stiffly.
“Excellent!” Patton said, grinning. He placed his hand on the sphere, shrinking it further. This time, the machine collapsed until it was about the size of a bouncy ball. Patton picked it up, tossed it in the air once, and immediately dropped it.
“Oh- raisins,” Patton muttered, fumbling around on the ground for it. He snagged it again and slid it neatly into his pocket. “Hang on-” Patton said, hand digging around in the pocket that was quite large, judging by how deep his arm was. “I have it here somewhere- Ahah!” Patton pulled out a small rectangle. “I knew you were there!” he glanced at Logan. “Stand back,” he whispered, like he was letting Logan in on a secret.
Logan took a tentative step backwards, and then a few more as Patton shoo-d him farther away.
“Watch this,” he said. And he dropped the thing in his hands.
Logan followed it with his gaze- and then he… didn’t.
It disappeared. Logan scanned the ground at Patton’s feet, but unless he was misidentifying it, it didn’t seem to be there.
“I don’t-”
Patton reached his hands forward like they were face down on a table, and then banged them against the air. A dull metallic sound emanated from thin air.
“Bigger and invisible,” Patton said proudly. “Betcha didn’t see that one coming!”
“N- no I-” Logan reached forward, and sure enough his hands hit against something smooth and decidedly not there . “I certainly didn’t.”
“Hang on,” Patton fiddled with something and suddenly-
-There was a car in front of them.
Just- a basic car.
“Get in, so we can go invisi-mode again,” Patton said, slipping into the driver’s seat.
Too confused to even think about all the possible ways this could go wrong, Logan did as he was told.
It… still looked like a car on the inside. Patton turned a key already in the ignition and a little blue light turned on over-head. Invisi-mode on! said a recording of Patton’s voice that Logan would label as overly-cheerful had it not been Patton.
“Alright, buckle up,” Patton said.
Logan slid into the passenger seat, buckling the seat-belt and sitting as straight as he could. He sucked in a breath as the car lifted into the air under Patton’s control. Logan remained silent as the car rose at a steady incline, travelling away from the center of the city
He spent a few seconds attempting to find any visible differences between a real car and… this thing (other than the fact that they were in the air ) but his efforts were fruitless, and he wasn’t sure Patton would be helpful if he asked. He asked another question instead.
“What were you even trying to do today?”
“Um, I was curious what would happen if I tried to duplicate a cat,” he smiled. “A dupli-kitty.”
Logan sighed. “Okay, and?”
“Well, I didn’t actually get to the cats. I was just gonna-” Patton let go of the wheel for a second to mime an explosion. Logan clutched his seat as the car swerved. “ Pshew my way in there, but I guess Dragonbreath saw me or something?” he shrugged. “I don’t know. Kind of sucks, ‘cause now pet stores will be on watch for me.”
“And that’s bad… why?”
“Well I really wanted to duplicate a cat!” Patton said. “If it was never alive, then whatever, I can use the corpse to try and figure out how to create a cat that I’m not allergic to. If it was alive, then I would get to have a cat! ”
Logan squinted. “You said you were allergic though.”
“And?”
Logan rolled his eyes and turned to look out the window. The view was really quite fascinating, being able to see the city from this high up and- Were they stopping?
“Are we here?” he asked, glancing at Patton.
Patton pointed down at the street. “Nope, there’s a red light.”
There was.
“Patton, you do realize that we are… not on the road?”
“Hey,” Patton said, clasping Logan on the shoulder, looking him dead in the eyes. “Road safety is important.” He continued to stare into Logan’s eyes for a few more seconds as Logan’s confusion grew. He eventually let go, gripping the steering wheel with both hands. Once the light turned green he looked pointedly at Logan. “ Now we can go.”
Logan leaned back as they started moving again, uncertain what just happened and beginning to wish he could get out of the car.
The buildings were beginning to thin out as they got to the edge of the city. Patton stopped for three more red lights before they turned off onto a small road that quickly turned to dirt.
“Hang on,” Logan said. “This leads to the old power plant.”
Patton snorted. “Is that what they’re calling it these days? Nah, this is the road to my home.”
“No- no, this road leads to a building that is highly secure and trespassing on it is grounds for legal action. Patton-”
“Oh Logan, you’re funny,” Patton grinned. “The heroes couldn’t figure out how to get past my security system so we compromised! I don’t bother them, and they don’t bother me. I guess it’s kinda embarrassing for them that they just let me stick around so-” he stuck out his tongue. “Highly dangerous government property.”
Logan rubbed his arms, staring out the window. “O- oh,” he muttered. He gasped slightly as an oddly-shaped building perhaps five or six stories came into view. It looked like a hodgepodge of something out of a medieval story and a particularly extravagant wooden cabin.
“Why do you trust me enough to take me here?” Logan said.
“Why not?” Patton said, swerving the car into a little landing on the top of the building. “You asked to see my things, so I’m showing you my things!”
Patton twisted the key and the blue light turned off. “Come on-” Patton said, stepping out. Logan followed him, watching as Patton shrunk the car back into a little rectangle and placed it in his pocket.
“Will it get broken in there?” Logan asked.
Patton looked up. “Oh, I hope not. My devices used to get broken all the time until I figured out how to make them pretty close to invincible when they shrink.”
Logan’s eyebrows raised.
“Here, I can show you-” Patton said, pulling out the rectangle again. Confidently, he walked over to the edge of the building and dangled it over. It wasn’t the tallest building in the world, but the drop was still relatively dizzying.
Logan stumbled forward. “Wait- uh- you don’t need to- do that. I believe you. Please don’t lose our ride.”
“Oh, okay!” Patton put it back. “Come on inside!”
Logan exhaled in relief, falling into an easy pace behind the villain as he pulled open a door. The room contained a small space with an elevator door on the side and a drop-off, with what appeared to be a zipline.
“Uh-”
“Just follow me!” Patton said. He took a few steps of a running start before grabbing ahold of a handle that dangled down off of the ceiling, which immediately shot off down a chute.
So it was a zipline. Well, that was certainly annoying.
“Patton?” Logan called, leaning over the side. Patton didn’t respond, shrieking in as the rope curved out of sight.
Logan checked his watch, frowning. Fourteen seconds passed before Patton fell silent.
“Patton?” he called down. “I’m going to use the elevator
“What?”
“ I’m going to- ”
“Nah- the uh- it only goes up!”
Logan sucked in a breath through his teeth. “ Why? ” he hissed.
“Why would you ever want to go down it when you have a zipline? ” Patton called. “Just come on down!”
“I-” Logan swallowed, wiping his hands on his pants. Was this really worth it? He asked himself, backing up. Why in the world am I here again? He took a few running steps forward. Why do I trust him? He snagged the handle easily and felt his stomach drop as he began to shoot forwards. He held his breath silently as the air whipped by him.
As the zipline turned sharply to the side, Logan found himself hurtling over a large room that was at least the size of a regular two-story building with bright blue walls. With a twinge of panic at how high he suddenly was, he squeezed his eyes shut until he felt himself come to a stop.
Logan fell off the zipline onto a puffy cushion with shaky legs, and stumbled backwards.
“Up- careful there,” Patton said, grabbing Logan’s back so he didn’t fall.
“Thank you,” Logan said stiffly, steadying himself and pushing away from Patton. After one more shaky breath, he finally looked up to take in the large room that they had just found themselves in.
Not only was it tall, but it took up the entire width of the building and was very roomy. Wide windows were on either side, casting golden light into the room, illuminating an array of machinery spread amidst a variety of other objects strewn on the floor, ranging from discarded telescopes to stuffed animals.
A large- he didn’t know what it was- dome like thing was closest to him, a ladder next to the side of it and paint cans on the floor near-by. Half of it was a bright green. In the far right corner of the room, where Patton was currently jogging, there was a regular kitchen, looking exceedingly out of place. Cookies were set out on a cooling tray. Patton grabbed two, taking a bite from one and holding the other out for Logan. “Want one?”
“Why- Is that safe?” Logan said, cautiously following Patton into the kitchen, but not reaching for the cookie.
“What do you mean?”
“Having-” Logan gestured vaguely at the kitchen. “ That around all of this heavy machinery and… I don’t know, toxic chemicals? Fire hazard-” he trailed off.
Patton glanced at the cookies, head cocked. “I mean, I dunno, I just get hungry when I’m working.”
Logan hesitantly pushed Patton’s hand away. “I’m… good thanks.”
“Suit yourself!”
Patton put down the half-eaten cookie and grabbed Logan’s hand, pulling him along, excitedly chattering along the way. “This is my workshop,” he explained. “Everything that I’m working on or trying to fix up goes here! Like this-”
The two of them came to an abrupt stop in front of a three-pronged device that looked like it could fit securely over a person’s head dangling from a pole. Patton grabbed it, swiveling the device around so that Logan could see.
“I think I saw this in a movie somewhere,” Patton said. “It’s supposed to be able to figure out what you’re craving and make it! So if you really really want some pizza, boom! ” Patton gave a little jazz hands before sighing happily. “Could you imagine? It’s not finished yet though, so I wouldn’t recommend trying it out. You might permanently damage your brain.” Patton laughed, spinning it with his hand. Logan watched it swivel nervously.
Patton gasped. “Ooh! Here let me show you-” and with that he grabbed Logan’s arm again, leading him to the next device.
And so they continued. Logan watched with amusement as Patton zigzagged around, through, and over the haphazard set-up of the room, demonstrating his various projects. Patton even offered to allow Logan to try one of his near-completed inventions, gloves that left a trail of color on everything you touched that faded after a few seconds.
“Why?”
“Because why not!”
Logan, against his better judgement accepted. The glove fit rather tightly on his left hand. He briefly trailed his finger down his right arm and watched the line of blue-green slowly fade. Logan nodded once and then immediately gave the glove back to Patton.
Logan had just grown used to the assortment of fascinating but relatively trivial inventions when Patton dragged him over to what appeared to be a juke-box.
“It plays music really loud,” Patton said, with the same excitement he contained as he told Logan about his other inventions. “But! Only in a small area. So if I target it over here-” Using a little joystick in his hand, Patton aimed it towards the center of the room. “It’s only playing in that area!”
As Patton turned it on, Logan heard a song that he believed was from the cartoon Spongebob Squarepants playing softly. “But I can hear it,” he said.
“Ah, yeah, I haven’t quite figured out how to make it sound-proof, but trust me, it’s much louder in the center of the room,” Patton said.
Curious, Logan took a step forward, but Patton held out a hand, stopping him. He laughed awkwardly. “Oh, Lo, you might wanna- not. You’ll probably go deaf.”
Logan’s eyes widened. “What is the point of that?”
Patton blinked. “To… make people go deaf? At least temporarily. It’ll definitely distract them long enough for me to make a quick get away or sneak past them.”
“Oh,” Logan said. He had almost forgotten that Patton was, indeed, a supervillain and it felt a little jarring.
“I could probably also use it to destroy things, although I’d have to do more testing…” Patton frowned. “Anyways!” he shut off the machine and the music stopped.
They moved on, and Logan began to notice that quite a few of Patton’s inventions were actually weapons. It was almost funny how many things seemed innocent enough at first glance but could likely cause a great deal of damage when used defensively or offensively.
As Patton moved on from a device he hoped would be able to hack into people’s phones and send them anonymous memes (or steal important passwords and top secret information, but mostly memes) he leaned in conspiratorially to Logan. “Now I know you’re not supposed to pick favorites, but I saved the best for last.”
Logan felt a twinge of disappointment upon hearing that their tour was almost over, but dutifully followed Patton as he headed towards a sleek metallic orb that looked aesthetically more modern than the most of what Patton had shown Logan.
Patton bent down to it, rubbing the top. “Hey~” he cooed. “We have company!”
At Patton’s voice, red lights streamed down the sides of the orb before it split into various triangles. Patton leaned back as it expanded upwards, building onto itself until it formed a sleek white humanoid shape about two-thirds the height of Logan and about half as tall as Patton. On its face, red lights resembling eyes blinked on.
“Patton!” it said, gesturing widely with one of its arms as it dipped into a bow in front of the inventor. It’s voice seemed to be Patton’s but the inflection was just different enough that it was hard to tell.
“An android,” Logan said, leaning forward.
“Yep! This is Roman.”
Roman’s head turned to Logan, tilted in a way that conveyed curiosity. “Someone new?” Roman stepped towards Logan, grabbing his hand and dipped into the same bow Patton had received. “A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Patton!”
“Oh- geez,” Patton said, rushing forward. “Sorry about that.” He patted Logan on the shoulder. “This is Logan, ” he said pointedly, grinning at Roman.
“Logan?” Roman responded, seeming to be processing.
“He’s never actually met anyone other than me,” Patton stage-whispered.
Logan laughed softly. “I assumed. It’s an honor to make your acquaintance, Roman.”
Roman perked up, eyes becoming brighter. “Logan?” he repeated, studying Logan’s face.
“Yes,” Logan said, nodding.
Roman bowed again. “Welcome to our home, Logan! It really is an honor to finally meet me, isn’t it?”
Logan snorted, covering his mouth quickly.
“I assure you, meeting Prince Roman is no laughing matter,” Roman said playfully.
“Oh, you’re a prince?” Logan said.
“Of course!” Roman said, spinning around and posing again.
“You know,” Patton said, sitting cross-legged on the floor. “It’s funny how much of Roman was his own making. The reason he’s in the workshop is he’s constantly asking for updates.”
“Really?” Logan said. “Is that why he looks like something out of a sci-fi movie?”
Roman made an angry noise at Logan. “It makes me look like EVE. It’s cool.”
“I meant no offense. That is… from the Disney movie Wall-E, correct?” Logan said with a hint of amusement.
“Of course!” Patton said. “The only thing bigger than Roman’s heart is his love for Disney.”
“I can recite every movie in the entire franchise from memory,” Roman said, puffing himself up. He cleared his throat.
“Maybe later,” Logan placated. He glanced at Patton. “I have to ask, is he true AI?”
Patton frowned. “Yeah, that’s always confused me. Like- robots that can learn, sure, but what if you program a robot to learn?”
“It’s more complicated than that, actually-”
“Mm, I don’t really care, honestly,” Patton said. “Roman’s Roman!”
“Look, I appreciate the attention and all,” Roman interjected. “But if we’re not doing anything, I’d rather sleep a little longer.”
“Sorry Ro,” Patton said, rubbing Roman’s head. “I’ll play Patton-cake with you once Logan leaves, okay?”
“Patton-cake?” Logan said as Roman deactivated. “Is that just… patty-cake?”
“Basically?” Patton said. “I also have Unopoly-n-D but Roman doesn’t like that one.” He hesitated for a second before speaking again. “You should try them some time!”
“Maybe,” Logan said vaguely. He frowned. “Okay, well, that’s everything that you’re working on yes?”
“Yep!”
“Well,” Logan glanced around the room. “What about the stuff that you’ve finished?”
“Oh that’s over there,” Patton said. He pushed himself up and sprinted over to a cabinet, pulling out a drawer and slamming a toolbox on the table. “Come see!”
Logan walked up to the table and found himself leaning over a toolbox with a wide variety of tiny inventions hap-hazardly strewn around the box.
“My mini-machines!” Patton said proudly.
Logan reached out his hand and when Patton didn’t object, ran it through the box, feeling the combination of textures.
Patton gestured at the other cabinet doors. “Of course, this is just one box, and that doesn’t even count the things that are stored separately. If I wanted to show all of them to you, it would probably take hours , and I’m sure you don’t want to do that, especially considering some of them aren’t very good, and you-” Patton trailed off.
“I have to go,” Logan finished.
Patton nodded.
A moment passed before Patton spoke up again, plastering on a grin. “So, it looks like that’s it, what do you think?”
Logan laughed softly, shaking his head. “I still don’t understand-” he took a shuddering breath. “How did you build all this?”
“Uh-” Patton gently pulled back the tool box. “I just… do?”
“No- where did you learn to engineer? To code? To-” Logan grasped for words. “Any single one of these machines would take a team of trained professionals years to accomplish.”
Patton looked around the room. “Well, they certainly take their time.”
“Where did you get the money? ” Logan said. “Do you have some sort of job? You’re a- known criminal.”
Patton lit up. “Oh, I can answer that one!” he said as he began digging around in the toolbox pocket.
Logan rubbed his face. “ Please tell me you don’t duplicate it all.”
“Psh, nah,” Patton said lightly. “If I did that then all the money would be the same, and someone would probably catch on eventually. No, I use this!” He picked up another tiny device from the tray, throwing it onto the floor. Logan instinctively stepped back, but it only expanded briefly before settling into what almost looked like a printer. With a self-satisfied smile, Patton pressed a button on the top.
A note of money slid out of the top.
“Money… forgery?” Logan said hesitantly.
“Pffffft no,” Patton said. “I’m just so busy building that I don’t have time for a job, so I figured why not make a machine that pays me, and this can be my job.”
“So…” Logan picked up the slip, looking at it carefully. “Money forgery.”
Patton shrugged in a way that clearly conveyed ‘agree to disagree,’ and Logan dropped the matter, focusing instead on studying the money in front of him. He felt the material with his thumb, frowning slightly. Holding it up to the light Logan was impressed but not surprised to see all the identifying features of normal money, the details and hidden images indistinguishable from the real thing.
“This is really well done,” he said softly.
“Thanks! I don’t know why other people don’t do it, it’s really easy.”
Logan laughed disbelievingly, handing the bill back to Patton. “Money is specifically designed to be near- impossible to replicate on your own, how was this easy? ”
“Uh-” Patton said. “I just… built the machine?”
“Are you sure you don’t have some sort of superpower that increases your intelligence or something similar?”
Patton shrugged. “I guess it’s possible. I dunno, I just sort of thought everyone could do stuff like this, but they didn’t want to.”
“I assure you,” Logan said. “As far as I know, you are the only person capable of-” he waved his hand vaguely around the room. “This.”
“Are you sure?” Patton said suspiciously. “Maybe you’re just the only person who isn’t capable of-” Patton mirrored Logan’s movement. “-This, and no one wanted you to feel bad.”
Logan gaped. “I mean- I suppose it’s possible? But my reasoning is far more plausible. How much time do you spend with other people?”
“A lot actually- once-”
“How much time do you spend with other people who aren’t trying to kill or incapacitate you?”
Patton faltered, rubbing his arm. “Uh- There’s… Roman-”
“Mm,” Logan said. “Meanwhile I interact with acquaintances from work on a daily basis. I think it’s a safe bet whose conclusion is more likely.”
“Huh,” Patton said, placing his hands on his hips. “Guess I’m a superhero.”
Logan sighed, sitting down on a chair placed hap-hazardly in the middle of the floor. “This is incredible. I can’t believe the heroes are just… shutting you down. Assuming your devices aren’t functional simply because of your ability, these machines could teach the world incredible things! Instead they’re confined here.”
“To be fair they did also catch me doing illegal experimentation on humans,” Patton muttered.
“ What? ”
“It was fine,” Patton hand-waved it. “They knew what they were getting into, I was paying them, and I was ninety-nine percent sure that they would be safe. I was just trying to tweak the machines for details. Even if they were hurt I could probably heal them before they got hurt too badly.” He pouted. “But I don’t do that anymore because they could tell on me and then I’d really get in trouble with the heroes.”
Logan rubbed his head. “ Did anyone get hurt?”
“I didn’t get very far before I was found out, but nah, nothing more than one broken leg, and that one wasn’t my fault, they just slipped and fell off of that platform, but it was fine..”
Logan’s eyebrows raised. “And… you healed that?”
“Oh sure.”
“Instantaneously?”
“...Well, no, no one can do that. I had to get out my healer first but-” Patton trailed off. “Oh, you meant- yeah. Is that… not normally how it works?”
Logan scoffed. “Not in the slightest,” he said. “You, Patton, are incredible.”
“Aw, gee,” Patton waved his hand. “Thanks, kiddo.”
Logan sighed, glancing around the room. “I should be on my way.”
Patton looked up. “Wait- why?”
Logan hesitated. “I- I’m already quite late and I’d rather-”
“Can’t you take a day off?” Patton offered. “You’ll be fine. Come on. Have a cookie.”
“I told you I didn’t want any.”
“I could-” Patton frowned. “I could get you some fruit? I think I have some downstairs.” Without waiting for an answer, he stood up, making his way quickly down a stairway on the side of the room, grabbing the banister.
“Patton,” Logan said sternly. “That’s very sweet of you-”
“ Sweet? ” Patton said, cracking a smile. “Fruit?”
“-But I can’t stay here. It would be… irresponsible.”
“Why?”
“Because-” Logan grimaced. “Because this whole place- you are dangerous.”
Patton jerked back. “I’m not dangerous. I’m just- a little-”
“Eccentric?” Logan said.
“Well-”
“And these machines,” Logan gestured around the room. “The slightest mistake could be disastrous for anyone near-by. I will not be putting myself in danger by spending time with you.” He straightened his glasses. “I can’t risk it.”
Patton was silent for a moment, letting go of the banister.
Logan cleared his throat. “Now, if you would, I would like to return to your- your transportation device and be taken back to where we were. I can find my own way home.”
Patton bit his lip, looking across to the elevator door next to the stairway. “Okay,” he said. “I can do that.”
Logan straightened up slightly, striding over to join Patton next to the elevator. “Thank you, Patton.” He reached forward to press the up arrow.
“Wait, Logan?” Patton said. “Do you want to come back sometime?”
Logan looked at Patton, eyes narrowed. “I- I don’t understand. And do what?”
“You could-” Patton glanced around the room. “You could look at the machines? You said that-” he sucked in a breath. “You wanted to understand them. I could try and help you? Teach you how to build them?”
“Oh,” Logan said stiffly, his fingers twitching.
“We don’t even have to do that,” Patton said. “We could just watch… movies, or… something,” he trailed off.
“I much prefer things with an episodic format to movies,” Logan said, crossing his arms.
Patton gasped. “So that’s a yes?”
“Wait- I didn’t-” Logan straightened his tie. “I can’t- If I stay here, I won’t be able to go back.”
Patton squinted. “I’m not going to force you to stay.”
“No, I-” Logan glanced around nervously. “I don’t think I could live my life the same way knowing this- ” he gestured vaguely around the room with his hand. “Is here. It- it fascinates me and I’m already afraid I won’t be able to let it go.” The last thing he wanted was for Patton to know that, but if he knew then maybe he would understand, maybe he would stop protesting.
“But-” Patton frowned. “Why can’t you just stay then? I promise you won’t be a bother.”
“Well what do you expect me to do?” Logan said huffily. “Quit my job and figuratively drop off the grid to spend my days binging television, building highly impossible machines that could be used for mass destruction, and playing board games with a supervillain I have only known a single day who provides for himself with miniature money forgery ?”
“I mean…” Patton said. “If you want to.”
Logan blinked at him.
“Draw four,” Logan said, placing the uno card down on the table. “Do not pass go.”
“Aw,” Patton pouted, picking up his game piece and placing it underneath his chair.
“Now, I believe I roll for,” Logan squinted at the rule sheet in his hands. “Cat- did you misspell charisma?”
“ Cat- risma,” Patton said.
“Charisma,” Logan repeated dryly. He picked up the dice in front of him.
“Wait-” Patton said. “Not that one.” He proudly placed an orange die in front of Logan, the number seven visible on the top.
Logan narrowed his eyes at it. “Seven?”
“Yep! If you roll a seven you win automatically! It’s in the rules.”
Logan looked back at the rule sheet. “I assumed that was… some strange attempt at humor- A seven -sided die?” He picked it up. It looked- exactly the same as a standard six-sided die. Perhaps the seven had replaced one of the other numbers?
He examined the sides, looking to see what number was missing. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6- and there was the seven.
“I don’t understand. This is impossible.” He flipped it over and over in his hands. 5 was opposite of 1 but when he turned it back 1 was the opposite of… 3.
“You say that a lot,” Patton said. “Are you going to roll?”
“How-” Logan whispered. “How-”
Patton picked it up. “I don’t see how it’s so confusing. You just take a normal die and add another side.”
Logan rubbed his face. “Right. Of course. My bad.” One would think that in the past week of living with Patton he would have gotten used to oddities like this, but he hadn’t; however, he had learned to just play along.
He rolled a six.
“Ah- so close,” Patton said, genuinely.
“You- you do realize that seven-sided dice can be created by turning two of the faces into pentagons,” Logan said. “Although there are some debates as to whether or not it would be completely random but you wouldn’t have to resort to-” Logan swallowed. “Breaking the laws of geometry.”
Patton laughed, picking up a card from the center of the game board. “I wouldn’t call them laws, if they’re so easy to break” He frowned, muttering to himself. “Actually normal laws are easy to break too. You’d think- Oh!” he glanced at his card and slapped it on the table triumphantly. “I got ten points, that’s 42- anddd-” Patton picked up his game piece from under his chair and placed it on top of the game box, which was quite tall. “I win!”
“Wait-” Logan picked up the card. “You win? ”
“Yep!” Patton said proudly.
Logan picked up the rulebook, squinting suspiciously. “I studied these intensely and I thought…” he held the book up for Patton to see, pointing at a rule, reading it aloud. “‘You can’t win from the draw-four jail.’”
“Really?” Patton said, blinking innocently at the page. “Huh- hang on.”
He stood up and walked over to a desk drawer, pulling it out with a frown.
“What are you-”
“Aha!” Patton triumphantly held up a pen.
“What-”
Patton ripped the rulebook out of Logan’s hands, scribbled for a moment, and then turned it back to Logan, proudly showing off the “can’t” with the last part crossed off so it merely read “can.”
Logan blinked at the rules.
“There,” Patton said. “I win!”
“Hang on-” Logan grabbed the rulebook back. “You can’t do that.”
“I mean, I wrote them in the first place,” Patton said, shrugging. “I’m making slight revisions all the time!”
Logan groaned, rubbing a hand through his hair.
Patton’s mouth opened. “Oh I get it,” he whispered. Gently he placed a hand on Logan’s arm. “I just picked up the pencil and crossed out the ‘nt,’ I know that that’s confusing and probably breaks the laws of physics or the universe or something-”
Logan swatted his hand away. “No, Patton-” he sighed. “I understand how pencils work.”
Patton beamed. “Oh! Good.”
Logan gestured at the rules. “I just meant that changing the rules destroys the point of the game.”
“No it doesn’t!” Patton said, waving a hand.
“Oh really? What would you have done if when I had rolled a six, I wrote on the rules that that was the winning roll instead of seven?”
“You would’ve won?”
“You know what? Never mind,” Logan said. “Fine. You win. Why do I even try? Why did I even-”
He sighed.
Patton looked up. “Oh, uh, you can win if you want, we can change it so that the six-”
Logan let out a puffy laugh. “No, Patton, it’s- it’s fine.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure,” Logan said, allowing himself to give Patton a small smile. “You’re just… such a fascinating person.”
“Aw geez, so are you,” Patton said. “I don’t think I’ve met anyone else who would just pick up their entire life for a villainous villain like me.”
Logan sighed. “It wasn’t for you, Patton, it was for your machines. Nothing in my life could compare to anything in this building.”
Patton crossed his arms. “But it was a little for me, right?”
“No.”
“Okay- sure,” Patton said, obviously winking.
Logan scoffed. “Why do you care so much?”
“It’s just… really nice to have a friend.”
Logan’s instinct was to remark with something dismissive, but he sighed, rolling the seven-sided dice between his fingers. “Yes.”
“You and me, we could take over the world together,” Patton said.
Logan tensed. “Literally? Or-”
Patton smiled innocently. “Do you want it to be literal?”
Logan leaned back in surprise, not quite sure what he had expected the answer to his question to be. After a moment of thought he picked up his game piece from where it was and placed it on the top of the game box with Patton’s.
“Why not?”