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It's been hard to keep Rui off his mind, lately. In little ways, ways that are hard to get rid of. He doesn't even realise he's thinking about him until his train of thought has entirely shifted, sometimes. It's even harder when they're together almost every single day, eating lunch together, rehearsing together; it's so difficult to stay controlled, when it's potentially so easy to stare openly, to slide closer a few extra inches on the school bench. It knocks the wind out of him when Rui turns to him in the midst of these thoughts, and he smiles in that way that he does, and Tsukasa only narrowly avoids getting caught.
So yeah, you could say he's struggling.
Right now he's in the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror and trying to calm down. He can hear the ruckus of the school festival still going on outside, a reminder that he can't stay in here forever. He sighs. His heart has stopped racing considerably, but his mind is swimming.
Rui's voice is still ringing in his ears. "Could you do me a favour and come up to the roof later? I have something I'd like to discuss with you.”
He wouldn't have thought anything of it, if it wasn't for how Rui kept shifting his balance from one foot to the other. He seemed nervous, but it was hard to tell with Rui sometimes. What did he want? A conversation about show prep? Why now? He understands that the roof is likely the only place they'd have any privacy, what with every classroom being in use and the halls full of people, but still... what could be so urgent?
Tsukasa so desperately wants to splash water on his face, but he still has his makeup on from his earlier performances. It would be embarrassing to show up to meet Rui with smudged eyeliner.
Pulling himself together, he stares hard at his reflection. "Come on, now, future star. Just go see him."
As he bursts out of the bathroom and marches up to the roof with mustered confidence bordering on aggression, he chants to himself; it's just show prep, it's just show prep, it's just show prep, it's just...
His footsteps smack against the stairs as he rushes up to the rooftop, throwing open the doors rather dramatically and calling out for Rui.
And there he is. He's by the tall fencing, a hand clinging to the wiring, and his attention quickly moves from the people below to Tsukasa. He smiles, brightening as he sees him. "Quite the entrance you've made, Tsukasa-kun." he comments.
Tsukasa is suddenly hit with self awareness, and he tries to stop huffing so much as he stands upright and pats himself down. "S-sorry, I was in a bit of a rush."
Rui nods, and he leans against the fence. Silently, Tsukasa walks over to him, taking the spot beside him. Neither of them say anything for a while, just sharing each other's company while a gentle breeze tickles at them, the sunset just starting to dye the rooftop a golden red.
Thankfully, Rui speaks first. "I've been doing an awful lot of thinking." he begins, speaking out in front of him. Tsukasa doesn't turn to look. "I usually am a busy thinker, and I do enjoy problem solving quite a lot, but I have a concern that's taken me a long, long time to find a solution for."
He pauses, and Tsukasa is unsure if he's looking for a response or not. He settles for a quiet "mm", just an affirmation that he's listening. It seems to be enough; Rui continues. "I need your assistance. It's something I want your opinion on."
At this, Tsukasa turns to him. Rui is still looking ahead— actually, he looks more like he's staring into space. He seems unfocused, somehow.
This time he doesn't wait for a response. He blinks, and he's back on earth. He turns to Tsukasa, and when their eyes meet, his expression shifts. He's still smiling, but it seems almost wistful, apologetic in nature, filled with a sense of guilt. His voice cracks when he speaks. "I can't stop thinking about you." Rui's eyes glisten. "Could there be something wrong with me?"
It’s like someone’s hit pause in his mind. Tsukasa’s eyes go wide, and he clutches onto the fencing for some kind of support. He thinks he makes a weird noise, but he can’t be sure. The way Rui is looking at him is boring a hole straight through him, he can’t think right.
Rui keeps talking. “...I’m sorry if it sounds a little weird.” He laughs, a light chuckle. “It’s as strange to me as it is to you. I’ve… never felt like this before.”
Finally, Tsukasa manages to choke out a few words. “D-Do you, uh, um… What… do you f-feel?”
Rui’s gaze drops to the floor, allowing Tsukasa a few moments of relief. “I feel… anxious.” He looks back up again. “I want to be around you, and I miss you when you’re not there. Your singing is my favourite. It makes me feel warm.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I think about your smile, and I think about all the ways I could make you happy. Even when I tease you.”
“I-I see.” Tsukasa replies dumbly. He feels like he can’t quite keep up to the words he’s saying, lagging a few sentences behind. What he does know, however, is just how familiar it all sounds. How parts of what Rui is saying resonate with him.
“Do you… think you know what it is?” Rui asks, looking at him expectantly.
He blinks. “Huh?”
“This feeling.”
Tsukasa thinks. He thinks like he’s been thinking for weeks, months, about everything he’s felt about Rui, because he has a nagging feeling that the way Rui feels is the same as him. Not like he knows how he feels himself… but he thinks that if he figures out how Rui feels, he might figure out his own feelings, too.
“Do you…” he starts, then pauses, thinking of how to phrase things. “When you’re… near m-me,” (it’s all still pretty surreal), “does your heart beat really fast?”
“My heart…” Rui mumbles to himself. “I’ll have to try it.”
Without warning, Rui pushes off of the fencing and stands in front of him, stepping closer until they’re only a few inches apart. He’s so close that Tsukasa can see the little blue flecks in Rui’s eyes. He can’t speak for Rui, but he definitely feels the blood rushing in his ears, and he feels like his heartbeat is so loud that he could hear it if he listened carefully. Rui doesn’t speak for a while, only stands still, with the same expression he wears when reading over a script. After a few moments, Tsukasa speaks for him.
“So…?” he asks, quiety. “How is it?”
Rui starts like he’d just been broken out of a daze, and he huffs a little laugh. “Fascinating results.” he smiles. Before he can stop him, he reaches for Tsukasa’s hand, and he holds it against his chest. Tsukasa lets out a small gasp, because he feels it; Rui’s heart races under his palm, as fast as his own, if not somehow faster.
“Can you feel it?” Rui’s hand is warm. “...Do you know what it means?”
Tsukasa swallows. Because he does know, now. He’s adding it all up in his mind-- thinking about each other all the time, longing to be close to each other, the way they’re barely standing apart but there’s still something that draws him in closer-- and he thinks that he finally understands. He lets his hand fall a little, clinging onto the hem of Rui’s knit cardigan.
“...I think it means that you like me.” he mumbles. He never could’ve imagined himself saying something so embarrassing, but time feels suspended in whatever moment they’re having together.
Rui’s expression gives way to surprise. “...Ah…” he whispers. Then he smiles, and at last, it’s one of joy. His cheeks are a warm red, and he says, “...I like you. That’s it!”
And oh, Tsukasa can’t take any more. He grabs Rui’s hand, holding it against his own chest, blushing bright. “Do you feel that? ”
Rui nods. “Yes…” Then it dawns on him, as the realisation sinks in. “...You like me too.” It’s an observation.
“This is… very embarrassing for me.” Tsukasa admits. “So… if you could just--”
Rui kisses him.
As if he isn’t already on the verge of collapsing, Rui is pressing his lips to Tsukasa’s, and Tsukasa is glad that he still has the fencing at his back to keep him upright, but it’s so strange and wonderful that he doesn’t mind if he falls because of it. Rui steadies himself against the fence with one hand, and it makes everything feel a lot more intimate all of a sudden. His head is spinning, even when Rui pulls away. In fact, it almost makes it worse, to see Rui looking at him with an unbearably fond expression like this.
“...Is that what you were going to ask for?” says Rui.
Tsukasa splutters, having lost the ability to form words entirely. Rui laughs, a loud laugh that echoes across the rooftop, and Tsukasa can’t do anything else other than grab a handful of his cardigan and pull him back in a second time.
This is bad, he thinks to himself. I really hope nobody needs the roof soon .