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It should hurt. Or, at the very least, it should leave a bitter ache in the center of Ted's chest, filling his lungs with guilt until he's gasping for air and begging for forgiveness, but it's not. Instead it's warm and soft, and it feels like coming home in a way Ted has yet to experience. It turns his limbs to jelly and makes his heart beat faster. It crawls up his spine and towards his cheeks, painting them several shades of pink and red.
Ted's seventeen and in love with his best friend. And yeah, he knows that those feelings are technically wrong and all, but he can't exactly help it. Falling in love with Bill is just so easy, so inevitable, and the sensation of it surrounds Ted in a blanket of safety and comfort, swaddling his heart. He thinks that his dad must be crazy because he can't find anything wrong with this.
Ted's not an idiot though, and he knows better than to share these feelings with anyone else. So, he bottles them up and keeps them tucked away safely on a high, high shelf in the back of his mind, retrieving them only in the late hours of the night, when he's alone and free of judgement. It's safer this way; Not just for him, but for the both of them. Ted's petrified of what this could do to their friendship.
What he has with Bill is so special, and Ted's greatest fear is messing that up. Nothing, not even a secret bundle of gay thoughts, should get between them. They're supposed to save the world, to write the song that'll unite the universe, and Ted doubts that Rufus would appreciate Ted ruining that. Which is why he stores these emotions in the deepest crevices of his head, behind all his other thoughts and feelings, hidden from the rest of the world.
It's usually so easy to keep everything tucked away too, to smile and nod when his dad lectures him on the dangers of homosexuality or to ignore the pointed stares sent his and Bill's way whenever they sit a little too close. But today, right now, when he's alone with Bill in such a small space, it gets much much harder.
They're laying next to each other on Bill's bed, thighs brushing together with every minute shift of their bodies, and Ted's hyper aware of the sound of Bill breathing beside him. The soft inhale and exhale of air, how it fills his chest momentarily before being released in a gentle gust. Ted imagines how it'd feel against his skin, a sweet tickle of wind, and the thought makes him smile. He turns to face Bill, who he finds is already looking at him, and soon both of their faces are decorated with wide smiles.
"Ted, dude."
"Bill, dude."
"I missed you, dude." Bill's cheeks flush red when Ted laughs and he swats at Ted's arm. He's laughing too, though.
"I'm serious, Ted! I missed you!"
"You saw me yesterday, dude!"
"Yeah, but, you know. We were with a bunch of other people." His gaze drops towards their toes and he bumps his foot against Ted's. "We haven't hung out alone together in a most odiously long time, and I guess I missed that, man."
Ted smiles and bumps his foot back into Bill's, making Bill's eyes return to his.
"I missed you too, dude."
"That's kind of gay, Ted."
"No way, dude! You said it first so that makes you kind of gay!"
Bill sits up and shoves Ted's shoulder, the two of them giggling in unison.
"Yeah but it wasn't gay until you said it back!"
"That doesn't make sense, duder."
Ted shoves him back and he falls onto the bed again, grabbing at Ted's shirt and pulling him down with him.
"It totally does, Ted."
''Nuh-uh."
"Yuh-huh."
"Nuh-uh."
Bill goes to reply but by now he's laughing too hard to respond coherently, instead opting to push Ted off of him, rolling over and burrying his face in the crook of Ted's neck instead. Ted's breath hitches and he stops laughing suddenly, his brain choosing to focus on the feeling of Bill's smile against his skin instead. His fingers twitch with the urge to reach out and cup Bill's jaw, to hold him close and revel in their connection, but he denies himself the impulse.
"Dude? You okay?" Bill doesn't move much, pulling back slightly, his nose still ghosting along the side of Ted's throat. Ted forces himself to turn his head, trying his hardest to keep his expression free of all emotions when he meets Bill's eyes.
"Yeah, just thinking."
"That never ends well, dude." They're laughing again because of course they are; Ted's always laughing with Bill.
"What's on your mind, though?" And, oh god, Ted's never been able to lie to Bill. Even now, when he knows that it'd be for the best, Ted can't lie to Bill.
"You know what you said earlier, about like, missing me?"
"Yeah, sure, what about it?"
"I, uh, nevermind, dude."
Bill props himself up on one elbow, bringing his other hand to rest on Ted's forearm. Ted has to tilt his head back and look up slightly to see his face, and it makes his skin feel warm and prickly.
"Are you sure you're okay? If something's bothering you then you can tell me."
"It's not that something's bothering me, dude."
"What is it, then?"
Ted sighs and picks at the skin around his fingernails, his head alive with the feelings he's so determined to keep hidden.
"Have you ever thought about dudes the way you're supposed to think about babes?"
Bill slides his hand down to Ted's wrist, his grip loose. Ted swears the touch feels like a match to his skin.
"I think I know what you mean, dude."
And that's what makes Ted lose it. All of the feelings come spilling out, breaking bottles and knocking down shelves. He shifts his hand so that his fingertips are touching Bill's, a silent invitation for them to interlace, and he's beyond happy when Bill accepts the invite.
"Ted, dude."
He lowers himself on his arm, his body hovering over Ted. Ted feels his gaze drift down to settle on the curve of Bill's lips and he gasps when he realizes Bill's gaze has done the same.
"Yeah, Bill?"
"Can I kiss you, dude?"
Ted doesn't answer before surging up, his lips connecting with Bill's. It's a hard press, and they're both a little off-balance, but Ted thinks it's perfect, and the two of them are smiling when they seperate.
"Woah,"
"Woah, indeed, dude."
They're laughing again as their lips reconnect, soft and dry and clumsy. Bill moves to lay down on top of Ted and Ted wraps his free arm around Bill, hand resting at the small of his back.
Ted doesn't understand why people would ever call this wrong because laying here, now, with Bill all around him, he's never felt so right.