Work Text:
mightbetalking, Episode 11
THEO NOTT, HOST: Hello again, and welcome to another episode of my original podcast, mightbetalking. I’m Theo Nott, your host!
(CATCHY THEME SONG PLAYS)
As always, we’re joined today by our show’s producer, who also happens to be my oldest, dearest friend: Draco Malfoy.
DRACO MALFOY: Hello, hello.
THEO: Coincidentally, Draco is also our guest on today’s episode.
DRACO: Wait, what?
THEO: He joins us to discuss my personal favorite topic of conversation—which of our friends are sleeping with one another?
DRACO: No—you know what, Theo? I never agreed to be a guest on this show, and if I had, I wouldn’t engage in gossip about our friends’ sex lives.
THEO: Do you think Blaise is doing the deed with Penelope Clearwater? Because I saw them together at the Leaky the weekend before last and—
DRACO: Theo—no.
THEO: (DRAMATIC SIGH) Fine. Then we’ll move on to option number two—favorite condiments.
(LONG PAUSE)
DRACO: That’s—that’s seriously your next option? You want me to talk about my favorite—my favorite condiments.
THEO: No, I want to talk about my favorite condiments and I want you to listen.
DRACO: (HEAVY SIGH)
THEO: Right, so let’s start with my top choice: mustard. It’s such a versatile condiment, wouldn’t you agree? There are endless varieties, and it can be put on literally anything. I reckon I’d even try it on ice cream.
DRACO: That’s disgusting.
THEO: Says you.
DRACO: No, says anyone. You—
THEO: (TALKING OVER DRACO) If I had to rank my top three favorite types of mustard—
DRACO: You don’t, and shouldn’t.
THEO: —they’d be hot mustard, dijon mustard, and honey mustard.
DRACO: Right. So, now that that’s out of the way, do you seriously have nothing planned for this episode?
THEO: ---
DRACO: ---
THEO: Favorite muggle holiday songs?
DRACO: For [bleep]’s sake, Theo.
THEO: Favorite muggle movies?
DRACO: You know I don’t watch muggle films. I’ve seen—maybe two or three in my entire adult life?
THEO: I hope you know that you’re very strange. You’re lucky we’ve been friends for so long, because I would never tolerate this kind of behavior from anyone else. It’s bad enough that you insist on counting your micros—
DRACO: (LONG-SUFFERING SIGH) Macros, Theo. I count my macros. It helps me ensure I’m getting the proper amount of nutrients from the food I eat—the correct balance of protein, carbohydrates, and fats.
THEO: (AFTER A LONG PAUSE) You hear yourself, right?
DRACO: Shut up, Theo.
THEO: We’ll be right back after this message from our sponsors!
(CATCHY THEME SONG PLAYS)
THEO: Welcome back everyone. Once again, we’re here with Draco, my best mate and business partner.
DRACO: (GRUMBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY)
THEO: In this part of the podcast, we’re going to play a game I made up called Twenty Questions.
DRACO: You made—Theo, you know you didn’t invent that game. Right?
THEO: I invented my version. Here’s how you play: I’m going to ask you some rapid-fire questions, and you have to answer immediately—no hesitation—with the first thing that pops into your head.
DRACO: Like word association?
THEO: Sure, sure. Now let’s begin. Ready?
DRACO: No, but when has that ever stopped you?
THEO: Right. Favorite color?
DRACO: Black.
THEO: Weird, but not surprising. Favorite food?
DRACO: Chocolate.
THEO: Favorite pastime?
DRACO: Reading.
THEO: Reason you’re afraid to ask Hermione Granger out on a date?
DRACO: (CHOKING SOUND) Wh—what?
THEO: Number of times in a day you write and discard letters to Ms. Granger? I know the answer, of course, but am looking forward to hearing what you’ll admit to.
DRACO: I—I don’t do that.
THEO: (SARCASTIC) Riiiight. Number of times per week you casually happen to run into Ms. Granger in Diagon Alley, just so you can speak to her for a few moments and see her smile? I’ll accept anything close to the real answer for this one—mean, median, or mode.
DRACO: (STAMMERING) You—that is I—I don’t know what you mean.
THEO: On a scale of 1 to 10, how in denial are you about your infatuation with Ms. Granger?
DRACO: I’m not in denial.
THEO: Uh-huh. Well, that’s all the time we have this week, folks. Join us on our next episode for an interview with a very special guest... Hermione Granger!
DRACO: WHAT THE— (MIC CUTS OFF)
(CATCHY THEME SONG PLAYS)
mightbetalking, Episode 12
THEO NOTT, HOST: Hello, Theo-rinos, and welcome to this week’s episode of mightbetalking. I’m your host, Theo. Today’s guest is the brightest witch of her age, the muggle-born heroine of the Wizarding World, and the tip-top of the shortlist for our next Minister for Magic… Hermione Granger!
(CATCHY THEME SONG PLAYS)
THEO: Welcome to the show, Hermione.
HERMIONE GRANGER: Glad to be here.
THEO: And I’m sure you remember our old school chum, Draco Malfoy?
HERMIONE: Oh! Yes, of course I do. Hello, Draco. It’s um, really quite nice to see you again.
DRACO MALFOY: (UNINTELLIGIBLE)
THEO: Is it too warm in the studio, Hermione? You look quite flushed. Draco, will you bring our lovely guest some water?
(A PAUSE, THEN THE SOUND OF A GLASS BEING PLACED ON A TABLE)
HERMIONE: Thank you, Draco.
DRACO: (SOFTLY) You’re welcome.
THEO: (GLEEFUL) Woah, woah, woah, friends. This is a family show. We’re going to have to tone down that sexual tension.
DRACO: Do shut up, Theo.
THEO: Sorry, sorry. Now, Hermione, you are unquestionably one of the most intelligent witches in the world. I’d love to pick your brain on some linguistics questions that have been plaguing me.
HERMIONE: Oh? Well I’m not a linguist by any means, but I’ll do my best.
THEO: Draco, would you like to join the conversation? I don’t know for sure, of course, but I’ve heard you’re quite the cunning linguist.
HERMIONE: (CHOKES ON DRINK OF WATER)
THEO: (PATTING HER BACK) There, there. So—my question. Why do Americans and Brits have different names for the same vegetables? I was visiting New York last month—research purposes, you know—and dined at a lovely Italian restaurant. Only imagine my surprise when I’m perusing the menu, and can’t find my favorite meal: aubergine parmigiana. I asked the waiter for help, and he told me—in his amazing New York accent, naturally—that what I was looking for was called eggplant parmesan.
HERMIONE: Right…
THEO: Eggplant, Hermione. Egg. Plant. I mean...what the [bleep].
HERMIONE: Well, it may surprise you to know that we Brits use the French word for it, while Americans use the Italian word. It’s the same with courgettes—we call them that, but Americans would call them ‘zucchinis.’
THEO: But...eggplant?
HERMIONE: Right, I actually know this. Apparently when aubergines were first brought to America, they were a specific variety that looked more like a large white egg. The name just stuck, even when Americans began eating and growing the purple variety.
THEO: Ah, that makes more sense. Although it’s still a terrible name for something that looks like a giant purple [bleep].
DRACO: Theo!
HERMIONE: (LAUGHS QUIETLY)
THEO: Moving on! Hermione, I’d love to ask you a few questions about your career, if you wouldn’t mind.
HERMIONE: Alright.
THEO: So first of all, why aren’t you married?
HERMIONE: (LONG PAUSE) Erm. I’m not sure how that has anything to do with my career.
THEO: Did you deliberately choose your job over a husband, or is that just a side effect of being a workaholic?
HERMIONE: (VOICE SHARPENING) What?
DRACO: Theo, you’re out of line—
THEO: Are you planning to go through life, childless and alone, wasting your best years in terms of your youth and beauty sat chained to a desk?
HERMIONE: I—
DRACO: (ANGRY) Now see here, Theo! I will not stand by and allow you to insult Hermione like that. A woman does not need a relationship, a marriage, or a child to measure her value or worth, nor does she need those things to have a happy, fulfilled life. That is an outdated, sexist attitude and I am frankly shocked that you would say such things to anyone, let alone Hermione. Furthermore, she’s not wasting her best years, as she has always been stunning, and I’m quite sure she will remain so for the rest of her life! (DEEP, PANTING BREATHS)
(LONG PAUSE)
HERMIONE: Draco, I—do you really believe all that?
DRACO: About women in general? Of course I do. About you in particular? [Bleep] yes.
HERMIONE: (SHAKY INHALE) Oh. I see. What—I mean, might you be interested in—that is, if you’re available after this, perhaps we could—
DRACO: (CUTTING HER OFF) Yes. I’m available.
HERMIONE: Oh, good. I’m so glad. I’d really love to hear more of your thoughts on me—erm, I mean on feminism and the—the modern expectations of working women.
THEO: (SOUNDING SMUG) Please accept my most sincere apologies, dear Hermione. I must have suffered a bit of temporary insanity. Perhaps I was possessed by the ghost of my dead father, the right bastard. Who’s to say, really?
DRACO: Who, indeed?
THEO: No matter the reason, I insulted you. Lucky for us both, Draco stepped in to set me to rights. And look, now you two have a date after this show!
HERMIONE: (SHYLY) Yes, I suppose we do.
THEO: All’s well that ends well, I always say.
DRACO: You do not always say that.
THEO: (OBVIOUSLY IGNORING HIM) That’s all for this week! Please join us for our next episode to talk skincare regimens with the one and only savior of the wizarding world: Harry Potter!
(CATCHY THEME SONG PLAYS)