Chapter Text
FADE IN:
INT. BRIAN’S HOUSE – MORNING
We begin on a still shot of a barren bedroom. The room, seemingly meant to house a teenager during their formative years, has been stripped bare – evidence of posters being removed from walls and dust circles silhouetting long since abandoned consoles, comics, and the like are shown to us with a few cuts.
The only things left are a crooked, unmade bed with no sheets, and the room’s owner – Brian Yu – sitting upon it shirtless. He rests, eyes closed, with two fingers up to his neck, breathing in and out meditatively. As we pull in, we can tell he’s listening to the slow, lethargic rhythm of his own pulse. It’s faint but… it’s there.
BRIAN
I’m still here…
Suddenly, an alarm rings out from his phone. Brian jumps in surprise and grabs it quickly. On the screen, an alarm titled “DON’T B LATE 4 SCHOOL! 5 -V” continues to blare. Brian stares at it for a while before sighing and turning it off. As he does, we see four other similarly titled alarms that have rung before.
After rubbing his temples for a while, Brian finally gets out of bed.
MONTAGE – BRIAN AND MONSTROPOLIS
A – Brian brushes his teeth in the bathroom while the news plays from the stream on his phone.
WEATHER-DEMON
It is a sunny 70 degrees in Monstropolis, a perfect day for all those little monsters heading to school today.
NEWS-SLIME
Wow! It’s that time of the year already, huh? I can’t believe it, kids grow up so fast, don’t they? I remember when my little boy only weighed 3 fluid ounces!
B- Brian exits his dwelling and hops on his bike. As he bikes off, text appears on screen reading “MONSTER PROM”.
C- Brian bikes through Monstropolis, passing by all manner of monsters and creatures heading to work, or leaving work, or going to school like he is.
D- Brian stops at an intersection, as a massive stretch limousine crosses the road, totally halting traffic. Cars blare their horns as Brian catches a glance at the strange symbol on the limousine. It depicts a merperson and seems to read “Vanderbilt”.
E- Brian passes by a sign that says “Spooky High Parking” and parks his bike in the lot. As he does this, a blast of unholy fire erupts from the ground a ways away from him. A crappy, burnt looking car with the words “Nancy” etched in the side exits the hellish portal. Brian seems more so confused than scared, before resolving to not ask questions and walking away.
F- Brian looks at the massive staircase up to Spooky high school. Cut to Brian walking up the steps, tired. After a beat, Brian turns around as a pack of students zooms up the steps at a ridiculous speed, taking Brian aback. Brian looks on the ground and finds a chewed-up bone. Behind him, a darkened figure walks up the stairs patiently, under a thick umbrella. Glasses reflect beneath the shade.
G- Brian arrives at the top of the steps, wheezing. He looks off to the side and sees a fierce looking woman, a gorgon, walking past him. she arrives at a golden chariot and sits inside. A gaggle of male students pick the chariot up and, with a heave-ho, carry the woman up… an even larger set of stairs. Brian wheezes in despair. As he steels himself to climb, a pale, ghostly looking woman clutching a vodka bottle snores loudly, utterly passed out beside some trash bags.
EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL ENTRACE/QUAD – MORNING – END OF MONTAGE
Brian carries himself with the last of his strength up the final bit of stairs. He shambles across the quad, lungs afire. After a few steps, he collapses near a tree. He takes a few deep breaths before a shadow comes above him.
FIGURE
Hey!
Brian looks up, shielding his eyes from the sun. The figure is revealed to be the ever-cheerful Vicky Schmidt.
VICKY
You ok? I saw a zombie shambling up the steps, I figured it was you, Brian!
BRIAN
(SMILING) Heh… hey, Vicky.
VICKY
Haha, hey!
BEAT.
Brian doesn’t move from the ground.
VICKY
Uh, Brian? Chop chop, we have another day at school ahead of us.
Brian breathes in and gets comfortable.
BRIAN
Nah.
Vicky looks down at him, deadpan.
INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAYS – ESTABLISHING
VICKY (V.O.)
You know, things are gonna be different this year.
INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAYS – CONTINUOUS
Brian is getting dragged along the ground by Vicky, who has tied him with a rope and is now pulling him like luggage. Every monster commuting besides them gawk at the strange scene. A student – a skeleton – waves at Brian, confused. Brian puts his arm up to greet him, but his sleeve gets caught on an open locker. A piece of his parka gets ripped off. Brian sighs.
BRIAN
Really? How?
VICKY
You know what I mean, I’m gonna be popular!
BRIAN
(SCOFFING) Excuse me?
VICKY
(STOPPING) Wh-what do you mean, “Excuse me”? You don’t think I can be popular?
BRIAN
Do you want my opinion as a friend or my actual opinion?
VICKY
(POUTING) I don’t see why those two opinions need to be differentiated…
BRIAN
My friend opinion is I think you can do it if you put your mind to it.
VICKY
(ROLLING HER EYES, CONTINUING) And what’s your actual opinion?
BRIAN
My actual opinion is I don’t see the point.
VICKY
(STOPPING) Huh? What do you mean?
Brian gets up to his feet – still tied with rope.
BRIAN
Vicky, I’m glad you seem motivated, but I actually struggle to think of something less important than high school popularity. Like, you’d have to really press me on that one.
VICKY
What are you talking about? Being popular is like, the whole POINT of high school!
INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL – AUDITORIUM – LATER
PRINCIPAL GIANT SPIDER is giving a speech to the student body during a morning assembly.
PRINCIPAL GIANT SPIDER
The whole POINT of high school… is education.
PAN OVER: Vicky and an untied Brian sitting in the audience. Brian gives Vicky an ‘I told you so’ look.
VICKY
(WHISPERING) Dude, I don’t wanna hear you OR PGS making that point – that guy’s a high school principal! Why do you think he got that job?
BRIAN
(WHISPERING) I don’t know, a love for education and a yearning to nurture the next generation?
VICKY
(WHISPERING) What? No! He got it for retribution!
BRIAN
(WHISPERING, SARCASTIC) Ah, I see.
VICKY
(WHISPERING) Clearly, he was never popular in high school, so he figured if he became the principal he’d supersede his own un-coolness and become the most popular in high school by default! (IMPERSONATING PGS, WIGGLING FINGERS UNDER HER FACE) “Oh I guess I’ll become the principal to make up for how sad my life is!”
BRIAN
(WHISPERING) Is that your impression of him?
VICKY
(WHISPERING, STILL WIGGLING FINGERS) Yeah, these are the legs.
PRINCIPAL GIANT SPIDER
(IN THE MIDDLE OF SPEECH) I got this job as your principal because I have a love for education… and a yearning to nurture the next generation.
BEAT.
VICKY
I don’t buy it.
EXT. SPOOKY HIGH, CLASSROOM– LATER
Brian and Vicky sit in their class assigned seats, along with everyone else, who’re being rowdy, waiting for their first lesson. Both of them are beside the window.
VICKY
All I’m saying is, this is my last year. I’m a senior! I just think it’d be a shame if I spent this year like I spent every single one before it…
BRIAN
And how would that be?
VICKY
I don’t know… sitting in the back of the class and keeping out of trouble.
Vicky looks off.
VICKY
Basically invisible.
PAN OVER: A few students are raising a ruckus adjacently. It’s SCOTT HOWL, flanked by two of his best friends DAMIEN LAVEY and POLLY GEIST. Scott and Damien are arm wrestling while Polly officiates the match.
CLOSE UP: on Scott smiling and laughing with his friends.
PAN OVER: Vicky’s looking at him with a mix of yearning and a twinge of sadness.
Brian isn’t nearly so melancholic. He’s looking down at a crawling pile of filth. It’s wearing a backpack.
VICKY
Hey, don’t judge. He’s trying to get an education.
BRIAN
I couldn’t imagine why – I have no idea what that thing does but whatever it is it’s clearly a fuckin’ expert already…
VICKY
(GIGGLING) Stop it! You know, he’s actually on the debate team. I’m also on the… debate team, by the way.
BEAT.
VICKY
… You know in case you… wanted to join?
BRIAN
Vic what about my entire demeanor makes you think I like debating people?
VICKY
How about the part of your demeanor that likes making your friend – me, Vicky – happy?
BRIAN
Hmmmmmmm.
VICKY
Please?
BRIAN
What’s the point?
VICKY
Uh, refer to my previous answer? Also, doing clubs and stuff is fun, it’s what makes high school interesting at all.
BRIAN
Yeah, but, counterpoint, high school sucks ass. No matter what you sprinkle on it, it’ll still suck ass.
VICKY
Oh, come on, don’t say that.
BRIAN
But it does! This shit is garbage, man! Listen, you know why I’m even here at all—
VICKY
Because I guilt tripped you into coming to school with me so I’d have friends in my new class. I know, Brian, you’ve reminded me the past 7 days we’ve been here.
BRIAN
I’m telling you right now. I’m at my limit, man.
The teacher they were waiting for – COACH – Enters the room.
BRIAN
I’m dropping out after today.
VICKY
What?! (NOTICING TEACHER) Oh…!
Vicky quiets down. The rest of the class follows suit as Coach does housekeeping duties as a homeroom teacher – first, taking attendance. As he does, Brian just falls asleep.
COACH
Vicky Schmidt?
VICKY
Present!
COACH
Of course. Miranda Vanderbilt?
MIRANDA
You’ve indeed been blessed by my presence!
COACH
Once again, just a ‘present’ is fine. Finally, Brian Yu?
Silence. The class turns to Brian, who’s fully passed out.
COACH
(SIGHING) Again?
VICKY
Um! I’m sorry sir, Brian just has a lot on his mind.
COACH
Wake him up, please…
Vicky kind of rustles Brian a little. Brian snorts and wakes up.
BRIAN
Hm? Oh.
BEAT.
Brian starts packing up all his stuff.
VICKY
Uh, Brian? What are you doing?
Brian doesn’t answer. He grabs his bag and gets up before walking toward the door.
COACH
Uh--
BRIAN
Peace!
Brian tries to leave the classroom. But Coach holds him back.
COACH
Woah! Hold on there son, class isn’t over yet – or started!
BRIAN
I’m aware.
COACH
Then—what, do you need to go to the bathroom or something? Stomach-ache? (TO VICKY) Wait does he have a stomach still…?
VICKY
Ehh…
BRIAN
Nah, I just… don’t wanna be here.
BEAT.
COACH
You mean—
BRIAN
Yeah, I’m trying to skip. Can I skip?
COACH
… No?
Brian clicks his tongue.
BRIAN
Please?
COACH
No.
Brian clicks his tongue again, harder.
COACH
Aren’t you a transfer student? You just started attending this school!
BRIAN
No, I actually don’t go to this school at all— Can I skip?
COACH
No!
Brian clicks his tongue a third time.
COACH
Son, I don’t like your attitude right now. You know, we’re just about to start doing team assignments for a group project, you need to be here!
BRIAN
Wow, interesting- what if I don’t fuckin’ want to? At all?
COACH
Watch your language.
BRIAN
Watch your grip- you’re kinda hurting me, sir. You should let go of me and maybe step back so you can’t grab me again if I try to run out of this room, sir.
COACH
You mean you want me to let you skip?
BRIAN
You wanna let me skip?? Thank you, sir!
COACH
I did not say that, young man.
BRIAN
Wow, I got downgraded from “Son” to “Young Man”, did I just get disowned? Sorry dad.
COACH
Try however you might, I’m not letting you leave until you pick your teammate!
BRIAN
You’re not letting me leave until I pick my teammate?
COACH
Yes, I’m—
BRIAN
So, you’ll let me leave if I pick someone? So, you’re letting me skip? Thanks dad.
COACH
I-I did not--!
BRIAN
Too late. (TO VICKY) Hey Vicky!
VICKY
Ah! Um! S-sorry, Brian, I’m already in a group.
BRIAN
Oh.
BEAT.
BRIAN
(TO COACH) Welp, I’m out of options. Guess I’ll just go home!
COACH
I’m not letting you go!
BRIAN
Wow dad, keep talking like that and I might have to call Child Protective Services.
COACH
And I might have to call your parents if you keep giving me a hard time!
BRIAN
I don’t have any.
BEAT.
BRIAN
My parents are both dead.
Coach quiets down at Brian’s revelation. He unhands Brian.
COACH
(GENUINE) Son, I’m so sorry I had no idea—
BRIAN
Cool, thanks, bye.
Brian runs for the door and leaves.
Coach sighs exasperated, with his hands on his hips.
BEAT.
COACH
Vicky, this is your boyfriend?
VICKY
He’s not my boyfriend!
SCOTT
That’s your boyfriend??? Congrats, Vicky!
VICKY
HE’S NOT! We’re just friends. Good friends, but nothing more.
SCOTT
Aw…
COACH
I’m concerned for him… Does he have any friends here besides you?
VICKY
Well… n-not… yet?
COACH
Hm… I see… Vicky, come see me in the hallway for a moment.
Coach walks out of the room and Vicky sheepishly follows. The instant they leave the class starts yelling and being rowdy.
INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTSIDE CLASSROOM – CONTINUOUS
Coach closes the door behind Vicky. Vicky stands before the teacher a little nervous.
VICKY
Listen, sir, about Brian--
COACH
Vicky, my old man used to tell me that… “if you can help someone in your reach then you have a moral obligation to”. Was one of the only good things he ever left me…
Vicky holds her arm and looks away sheepishly.
COACH
You understand? I don’t know what Brian’s struggling with but skipping and sleeping through class can’t mean anything good. If he goes down this path, who knows what’ll happen to him! Can I trust you with this?
VICKY
But… what am I supposed to do?
COACH
I don’t know… start with his lack of friends. If he knew more people here… maybe he’d start taking school a little more seriously.
VICKY
… I’ll try.
COACH
Atta girl. Also, my pay gets docked if a student drops out – so please.
VICKY
(DEADPAN) I’ll try.
Coach nods and walks back in the classroom. Vicky sighs before following him.
ACT TWO
EXT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, OUTDOORS – LATER
Brian and Vicky stand near the big tree in the courtyard.
BRIAN
I’m sorry, you want me to do what?
VICKY
I just said, I want you to make friends.
BRIAN
… Why?
VICKY
Because it’s a big problem! Before - setting aside how sad it made me, sad and lonely, in fact – I had no problem with letting you ditch school for the rest of the year! Trust me, I had not one reservation about you leaving me alone! Totally alone. No problem at all!
BRIAN
Wow, sorry I forgot to pack for this fuckin’ guilt trip.
VICKY
Now, though… Coach has a point! I know you’re not here because you wanna be, but… I can’t just be your only friend. Honestly, that’s why I wanted you to come to this school in the first place: so you could make friends instead of lazing about the house all day… Also, for some reason everyone thinks we’re dating now so… great opportunity to clear the air!
BRIAN
See, that’s the part I don’t get - aside from the part where this matters, of course –
VICKY
It matters.
BRIAN
How did this idea we’re dating even come from?
VICKY
(CONFUSED) Good question! No one listens to Coach so how did he manage to make everyone run with the “Vicky and Brian are a couple” thing just by saying it once? I’m even seeing posts about it on Instagram!
BRIAN
It’s probably not anything the tiger guy said.
VICKY
Really? Then why—
BRIAN
We’re both corpses and it’s racism.
BEAT.
Brian gives Vicky a thumbs up.
VICKY
Setting that aside… Would you please just do this for me? I swear, I’ll never ask you to do anything else ever, I promise!
BRIAN
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
Vicky looks at Brian expectantly for a beat.
BRIAN
… Fiiiine.
VICKY
Yes!
BRIAN
(CUTESY) But how?? I’m a shy widdle boy who don’t like making fweinds—
VICKY
Never talk like that again. Luckily for you, I came up with a perfect solution!
BRIAN
Is it lucky I can’t just blow this off? Survey says…!
VICKY
Survey says listen for once, instead of quipping between all my sentences! The school is filled to the gills with cool, unique people: people who are super popular, or super hot, or super rich, or super smart - or all of the above in Vera’s case – there’s no way you won’t meet someone you click with. Let’s just go talk to all the popular kids!
BRIAN
Ok… so? Who are these… popular kids?
MIRANDA (O.S.)
(SINGING) Laalaaaalaaaa…!
A flock of birds rushes past Brian and Vicky toward the tree, under which Miranda sits, singing. They all surround the princess and chirp happily. The scene is idyllic.
BRIAN
Did we find one?
VICKY
(DEADPAN) Yep.
Miranda puts her hand out. Three different birds try to land on her fingers at once, and immediately start fighting for the chance to grace her royal digits. The winner, a bluebird puffs its chest out in pride.
MIRANDA
Aw! You’re adorable!
The bluebird tweets happily.
BRIAN
Well she seems nice, at least… Maybe this won’t be so bad?
VICKY
Umm…
BRIAN
What?
VICKY
Oh, n-… nothing, let’s say hi. I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Brian and Vicky walk up to Miranda.
VICKY
Hey, Miranda! This is… Brian. My friend.
BRIAN
Hello. It’s nice to meet you.
MIRANDA
Oh! Hello! My name is Miranda Vanderbilt. It’s very nice to meet me, indeed, I’m sure you’re honored!
BEAT.
BRIAN
Excuse me?
MIRANDA
Excuse you? Oh, I refuse. Haha, the nerve!
BEAT.
MIRANDA
Do you have any further pleasantries or are you finished interrupting me? Don’t bother answering.
BEAT.
BRIAN
(SARCASTIC) … I don’t know about you Vicky, but I think we’re really clicking here.
VICKY
(NERVOUS) H-haha! Um, this, Brian, is Miranda Vanderbilt.
MIRANDA
It is indeed! I’ve already said this. You needn’t repeat what I’ve already spoken, commoner.
VICKY
… She’s a princess.
BRIAN
Well she’s certainly acting that way.
MIRANDA
It is as that chubby girl says—
VICKY
H-hey!
MIRANDA
I am the fourth princess of the prestigious, luxurious, and illustrious Merkingdom. The happiest place on earth! And I am, by no stretch of the imagination, the most perfect part of that, most perfect of kingdoms. (SINGING) Laalaaalaaaa…
The roughly 30 birds – and one swan – who’ve assembled around Miranda finish her melody in perfect pitch…
MIRANDA
Hm.
Miranda’s smile drops.
MIRANDA
(TO BIRDS) Who did that?
The birds look at each other, worried.
MIRANDA
… Again. Sing again, same melody. 5, 6, 7 and…
Miranda conducts the birds and they sing again. She stops them immediately.
MIRANDA
I’m not crazy. One of you is off pitch.
The birds avert Miranda’s cold gaze.
MIRANDA
So? Which one of you is it? Which one of you dared to sabotage my perfect melody? One of you better speak up, immediately.
The birds shake in fear. One bird more so than the others though… Miranda notices this. The bluebird on her finger, is still as a statue.
MIRANDA
… Sing.
The bluebird gives Miranda a nervous glance before squeaking out a small tweet.
MIRANDA
Louder.
The bird eeks out a note.
MIRANDA
So? What do you think? Do you think you were off pitch?
The bird says nothing. It just shakes in fear. Miranda takes a tuning fork from her handbag.
MIRANDA
You know what this is?
The bird shakes its head no.
MIRANDA
It’s a tuning fork. It’s tuned to a perfect A. I’m going to ring this… and then you’ll give me the most exact, the most peerless A you’ve ever conceived. if you’re even one cent off I will personally eradicate… nay, annihilate your entire species from the face of the earth. I will wipe you from history completely.
The bird is about to snap from sheer terror. Miranda rings the fork.
MIRANDA
Pray to your god.
The bird, gulps and tweets—
POLLY (O.S.)
(VOMITTING) EUUUUUUUGH!
Polly hurls behind the tree and stumbles into view. All the birds leave, including the bluebird from before.
Miranda huffs at Polly’s disgusting actions.
MIRANDA
Polina Geist! What on earth are you doing?! You’ve ruined my picturesque scene!
POLLY
(WASTED) H-haha! Sorry Miri, I’m juz tryina look for my belt…
Polly puts her arm up. Her belt is tied around her upper arm.
POLLY
Oh, here it is. Man, what did I get up to last night, right?
Vicky looks shocked at the sight, or just in general at everything she’s witnessed. Brian seems totally checked out.
BRIAN
… Oh, are we relevant again? Hey Vicky, this girl here seems pretty unique. Is she one of the people you want me to meet too?
VICKY
Well, um—
POLLY
Oh, Shiiiizz you’re that guy from this morning right? Green guy? Tall guy? Dead guy?
BRIAN
Pretty much!
POLLY
Vicky’s boyfriend!
VICKY
(TENSE) H-He’s not my—! (QUIETING DOWN) Oh, um, sorry- he’s not my boyfriend, Polly.
POLLY
Aw, that’s a shame. You two should date, you’ve got a lot in common.
BRIAN
Really, like what?
POLLY
You’re both corpses, umm…
Polly looked as though she was about to like, list off a bunch of things but she just stops after the one.
VICKY
… Ok! So, um, Brian… Let me do introductions! Brian, this is Polly.
POLLY
Hey, Boo!
VICKY
She’s super popular, super fun, basically everybody loves her… Kind of like me, we’re- haha, we’re pretty similar.
BRIAN
Right… two peas in a pod. My name’s Brian I’m uh… ah, whatever.
POLLY
Nice to meetcha Brian! Hey. Hey, do you wanna see a magic trick?
BRIAN
Sure?
Vomit spills out of Polly’s mouth. Vicky jumps back, but Brian doesn’t even flinch. Polly chuckles, self-satisfied.
BRIAN
… Wow, Vicky, I really see the resemblance.
VICKY
That--! That’s not--!
BRIAN
Yeah, I know.
POLLY
Speaking of knowing… Expert segue, right? What day is it today?
BRIAN
Uhh… Monday, I think?
POLLY
No like… the date.
VICKY
September 1st?
POLLY
Woah… already?
VICKY
Why, what’s wrong?
POLLY
Nah, it’s just… I was at this party a few nights ago and everything from then until right about 15 minutes ago is a total blur. So, like… can’t really position myself time-wise at the moment.
VICKY
A party? H-haha, classic Polly… Always partying…
BRIAN
Wow, Vicky, I really see the resemblance—
VICKY
Shut up.
POLLY
Yeah, it was a mad rager, dude. Also, the party was on august 17th – I was celebrating Bolivian flag day with some Bolivian guys in Bolivia - so I guess my brain just yeeted two weeks worth of memories. Whoops!
VICKY
You blacked out for two weeks?!
POLLY
Haha, yeah. What can I say? My life is a movie. Specifically, a movie that I keep napping through, so whenever I wake up, I have to ask people what the plot was, like an annoying girlfriend.
VICKY
Polly, that’s insane!
POLLY
Vicky, it’s not that bad… you know, if you add up all the total time I spent sober this year, I think it might add up to one full day of total sober time! Which, I think we can agree, is more progress on my new years resolution than I’ve ever made in my life, OR in my death!
Polly giggles to herself. Brian and Vicky don’t join in at all.
BEAT.
POLLY
… Hey, do you have any heroin? I’d suck a dick for some heroin right about now.
BRIAN
If you’re serious then trust me I will find some.
INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LOCKERS – MEANWHILE
DAMIEN LAVEY opens his locker and looks inside, a tumultuous anger evident in his expression. Finally, he scowls.
DAMIEN
(FRUSTRATED) Where’s my cock?
Damien’s interrupted by a student beside him opening their locker. Damien turns to them to see the student – a skeleton – mouth agape.
SKELETON
Wh… what did you just say?
Damien slams his locker shut. The skeleton startles.
DAMIEN
What are you looking at, noob?
SKELETON
Uhh--?
Damien grabs him by the collar and pulls him up to eye level, furious.
DAMIEN
(IRRITATED) Got somethin’ to say about me and my fuckin’ cock?
Damien puts up his phone and shows the student a picture of his ‘cock’.
SKELETON
N-no! No, no I don’t— (RE: SEEING PICTURE) Oh.
It’s a picture of Damien hugging a chicken.
DAMIEN
(IRRITATED) I thought so. I wasn’t talking to you, see? I was talking to my locker, who was supposed to keep my cock safe and sound, but for some reason, I can’t seem to find hide nor hair – or rather feather - of my god damn cock! I don’t know about you, but… I think I lost my cock! What do you think? Bitch?
SKELETON
U-umm—
DAMIEN
(CRAZED) Do YOU know where my cock went?! TELL ME!
SKELETON
Waaaah--!
The skeleton cries at being pushed so far by Damien. Damien unhands him and the skeleton runs away. He clicks his tongue.
DAMIEN
Damnit… DAMNIT!
Damien punches his locker, leaving a powerful dent in it.
DAMIEN
WHERE’S MY COCK!?
Damien punches his locker again, this time, breaking the door. As the door clangs against the floor, a piece of fabric falls with it. Green fabric, a piece of sleeve from a parka. Damien picks it up and inspects it.
DAMIEN
A clue, huh… (TO LOCKER) to think you’d still have your secrets to keep, you sneaky little bitch. I’m ONTO you!
The locker says nothing.
DAMIEN
AND! (RE: INSPECTING FABRIC) I’m onto whoever left this. I swear to Satan if I find him… I’ll make him wish he was never born. NO ONE steals my cock and lives to tell the tale!
Damien burns the piece of fabric as a show of his ire.
DAMIEN
(CACKLING MANIACALLY) HAHA! HAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BEAT.
DAMIEN
(SERIOUS) Wait, Why did I just burn my only clue? Damnit…
INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – LUNCHTIME
Hard cut to Brian, depressed, head in his hands at a cafeteria table.
BRIAN
(SADDENED) I can’t believe I didn’t find any heroin…
VICKY
(DISINGENUOUS) Oh no, how tragic.
BRIAN
Well… I think it’s for the best.
VICKY
Uh, Yeah?
BRIAN
My dick might be kind of gross right now, zombie life is different.
VICKY
(JOKING) Zombie “life” is paradoxical! Haha!
BEAT.
BRIAN
Good one.
VICKY
Shut up…
BRIAN
So? Are you satisfied or should I try meeting more people?
VICKY
Aw, Brian! I’m so happy you’re being proactive about making friends – see, I told you this would work!
BRIAN
Well, what can I say? If I’m trapped in this hell, I may as well be trapped with a smile.
Vicky looks at Brian, deadpan.
BRIAN
Seriously though, who’s next? Is that pile of garbage from this morning one of those guys you wanted me to talk to?
VICKY
Alright, don’t call him a pile of garbage, he has feelings.
BRIAN
And that’s the biggest tragedy of all, isn’t it?
VICKY
(SIGHING) We may have utterly failed with Miranda and Polly, but that doesn’t mean we should give up.
BRIAN
I don’t know if I failed with Polly, that went pretty well in my opinion—
VICKY
(SERIOUS) We failed with Polly, don’t bring that up again. After that disaster with those girls, I think we should go for a change of pace and talk to some of the boys—(HORRIFIED, LOOKING BESIDE BRIAN) V-Vera?! Stop that!
BRIAN
Stop what?
Reveal: VERA OBERLIN is standing beside Brian with a syringe stuck in his arm, siphoning his blood. Brian finally notices.
BRIAN
… Having fun down there?
VERA
Not yet. Face this way please?
Vera takes a picture of Brian with her phone. He blinks a few times.
VERA
Thank you…
BRIAN
Cool, could you put that back please? I don’t know if you noticed but I don’t have much of that left.
VERA
(RE: INSPECTING SYRINGE) No kidding… Are you even trying? This isn’t anywhere near enough to frame you.
BRIAN
…
VERA
… Oh! My apologies—
Vera slides a contract on the table near Brian.
VERA
Here’s the consent form for letting me frame you for any one of my crimes if the need arises. Don’t worry about the nature of the crimes… it won’t involve you.
Vera’s head snakes hiss in unison.
BEAT.
BRIAN
Vic, why is Disgust from Inside Out trying to set me up?
VERA
(MENACING) Excuse me?
VICKY
(WORRIED) B-Brian! (TO VERA) Um! Um, s-sorry, Vera he’s new he doesn’t know he shouldn’t… talk to you that way…
VERA
Then you’d better teach him before he says something I can’t just laugh off.
BRIAN
Ok, Gamora, I won’t hurt your feelings anymore.
VERA
(EYES NARROWED) And there it is.
VICKY
Brian! Please stop comparing Vera to green-skinned characters from pop culture!
BRIAN
What, is this 20-year old high schooler dangerous or something?
Brian notices, finally, that literally all of Vera’s head snakes just bit him in his vitals.
BRIAN
… Oh, they bite.
VERA
They do, and so do I. Or rather, I would if you had any life savings I could scam you out of. Alas, it seems you’re just too poor to be scammed… a novel problem but not one I’m surprised you have.
BRIAN
Way to kick a man while he’s broke…
VERA
I’m impressed you can still form sentences… my snakes should’ve disabled 80% of your brain functions by now. Ah! But I can’t be too tough on them, they can’t disable what you don’t have, can they?
BRIAN
Or maybe your poison just sucks?
VERA
What inspiring last words! I’ll be sure to pass them on to what remains of your family. Liam!
A mist appears on one of the seats at the table. From it coalesces LIAM DE LIONCOURT, sitting nonchalantly.
VERA
Here.
Vera throws the syringe of blood to Liam.
VERA
A snack.
Vera leaves, clacking her heals as she walks away. Liam drinks the blood and seems to find it… so-so.
BRIAN
(SARCASTIC) Wow. She really owned me.
VICKY
Well… she might literally own you in not too long… THAT was Vera Oberlin, a gorgon and the top dog at this school. She’s obscenely rich, obscenely popular and obscenely smart. She’s top of the class! (MUTTERING) Specifically because she pays to be “0th” on all the tests I place 1st on…
BRIAN
Wow. She really owned me.
VICKY
Alright, you already said that Brian. (EXCITED) Oh! Meet Liam too! He’s a vampire, and kind of a hipster, but he’s actually a nice guy – when you agree with him on everything. Which I’m great at! So, we’re friends.
LIAM
Excuse me, Vicky? Why on earth would I be friends with someone as uncool as you?
VICKY
Yup! You said it, Liam!
BRIAN
Wow. She really owned me.
VICKY
Brian, we get it, stop quipping. Why do you keep—
Brian is stuck hunched over, with his eyes going in two different directions. There are sickly looking black spots over his skin.
VICKY
Uh-oh.
BRIAN
(WIDE-EYED) Wow. She really owned me. Wow. She really owned me. Wow. She really owned me. Wow—
VICKY
That’s the poison, right?
LIAM
(SARCASTIC) No, I think he caught a cold.
BEAT.
VICKY
… Help me carry him to the nurse’s office?
Liam dematerializes into a crowd of bats and flies away.
VICKY
Aw…
INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, LIBRARY – A LITTLE LATER
Damien pounds both his fists on a table.
DAMIEN
Tell me! How do you find cocks?!
Reverse: Vera’s sitting at that table, along with Polly and Miranda. All three of them are staring at Damien bewildered.
BEAT.
VERA
(SMUG) Aha… well, existing has worked for me so far.
POLLY
Yaaaass!! Get it, girl!
VERA
Honestly, the better question is how do cocks find me! The answer, by the way, is “At all costs”.
POLLY
Double YAAAAAASSS!
MIRANDA
Vera, please remind me why we’re allowing Polly to remain in the terrible women association—
POLLY
(INCREDULOUS) The “bad bitches club”?
MIRANDA
The awful females sisterhood after she so rudely…!
Miranda starts wincing at the thought.
MIRANDA
Oh, I can’t even say it!
POLLY
Oh! You mean when I (RE: GETTING ALL UP IN MIRANDA’S FACE) VOMITTED NEAR YOU??
MIRANDA
Eeeek!
Miranda tries to slap Polly but her hand just goes through her.
MIRANDA
How dare you be so crass?! You see, Vera?! How can you condone this behaviour?!
VERA
(BORED) Polly, stop being gross.
Miranda looks at Polly smugly. Polly puts her feet on the table and rolls her eyes.
POLLY
Booooo. And not the cute ‘boo’ that I call people as endearment, the ‘you suck’ boo.
VERA
As for you, Miranda, be more considerate toward Polly. If it was just the two of us, we’d have nothing to talk about. Actually, to be exact, you would have lots to talk about specifically with regards to napkin folding which – as I remind you time and time again – I have less than zero interest in.
MIRANDA
And as I remind you, time and time again, it’s one of the purest art forms ever conceived, so I’m truly baffled as to why you, someone with a clear interest in art, can’t appreciate it at least aesthetically…
VERA
For the last time, Miranda, I don’t have an interest in art, I have an interest in expensive things that make people feel inferior when they see I own them.
POLLY
(RE: ON PHONE) Hahaha!
The girls turn to Polly.
POLLY
Oh, sorry. I’m planning a party since I regained consciousness, so I was looking up shit people are celebrating today… Apparently today is “Emma Nutt” day! Which - I mean, mood - but wow, what an unfortunate name. (SNICKERING) “Emma Nutt”…
Polly turns to Damien, who is still here.
POLLY
… Oh, you’re still here?
DAMIEN
Yes.
POLLY
Why--?
Damien pounds the table with both hands again.
DAMIEN
I LOST MY COCK!
POLLY
Good for you!
VERA
You still can’t join the bad bitches club though.
DAMIEN
What? I don’t wanna join your club-- I just wanna find my cock!
Damien shows the girls a picture of his cock. Polly gets really excited for a second thinking she knows what it’s gonna be, but her disappointment is palpable when she sees it’s the same picture of Damien hugging a chicken we saw before.
VERA
Oh, that’s what you meant.
POLLY
Booo! I thought this was gonna be sexy!
Miranda gasps.
MIRANDA
Oh no! Your cock is lost?!
DAMIEN
It’s lost, alright.
MIRANDA
(HORRIFIED) My word…! Is there no justice left in the world?
VERA
Miranda, have you seen this creature—
POLLY
Damien’s cock. Say it.
Vera rolls her eyes.
VERA
Miranda, have you seen Damien’s Cock before?
POLLY
TRIPLE YAAAAAASS!
MIRANDA
Of course, I have! I’ve seen it many times!
POLLY
(SMIRKING) Uh-huh?
MIRANDA
Damien showed me his cock over the summer, at first, he didn’t want to—
DAMIEN
I was kind of embarrassed…
MIRANDA
But after some prodding, he opened up about it. I can’t believe it’s lost, though!
DAMIEN
I woke up this morning thinking I really wanted to stroke my cock, since I hadn’t for a while, and I figured I needed the relief—
POLLY
(HOLDING BACK LAUGHTER) Uh-huh???
MIRANDA
Right, you’ve done so in front of me many times, it’s how you de-stress.
DAMIEN
It’s how I de-stress. But lo and fuckin’ behold, he’s gone! I’ve been looking for my cock all day!
MIRANDA
That’s awful…
VERA
Polly, stop laughing. Damien, what do you want us to do about this? Whatever you do with your…
Vera glances at Polly. Polly looks at her expectantly.
VERA
You only get one, I’m not saying it again. (TO DAMIEN) Whatever you do with your pet is none of our concern.
DAMIEN
Help me find it!
VERA
Go fuck yourself. Not that you can, cock-less as you are, but the logistics don’t really matter to me.
POLLY
You said it again.
VERA
Shush.
DAMIEN
Are you serious?! I came all this way thinking you’d help!
VERA
That was your first mistake.
DAMIEN
Well thanks, Vera!
VERA
You’re welcome.
DAMIEN
AGHH!!
Damien turns around and punches a chair in front of him to splinters.
DAMIEN
I swear when I find whoever stole my cock I’M FUCKING KILLING HIM!
Vera hears this and visibly has an idea.
VERA
Damien…
DAMIEN
What?
VERA
On second thought, I might have a clue…
DAMIEN
You do?!
VERA
I might…
Vera takes her phone and pulls up the picture of Brian she took earlier, smirking wickedly to herself.
INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, FOOTBALL FIELD – AFTERNOON
Brian and Vicky find themselves in the football field near the bleachers. Vicky’s standing behind them, peeking at Scott, who’s taking a break from practice. He wipes the sweat from his brow and Vicky swoons. Brian’s behind her – bandaged up a little.
BRIAN
Wow. Hot guy.
VICKY
Right…? (CATCHING HERSELF) U-um! That’s not why we’re here!
BRIAN
Sure.
VICKY
Honestly, we should’ve started with Scott, he’s incredibly nice, and super cool, and really buff, and has a really nice smile and I bet he could throw me if he wanted to! Haha… (SWOONING) Ha…
BRIAN
Why does anyone think we’re dating if you’re creaming yourself over the thought of this dude? And what do you mean he could “throw” you – that’s a bottom of the iceberg fetish if I’ve ever heard one.
VICKY
Brian, I’m not surprised you don’t get it since you don’t like much besides sleeping and making fun of me, but every girl secretly longs to be thrown by a big strong man.
BRIAN
Wow. Citation fuckin’ needed.
VICKY
Shush! He’s coming this way!
Scott walks over to where Brian and Vicky are standing/hiding. Vicky quickly fluffs her hair a little and unbuttons her top button.
SCOTT
Oh! Hey Vicky! Hey new person!
Vicky’s standing against the bleachers in what she assumes is a cool pose.
VICKY
(AWKWARD) Hey there, hot stuff. Wink.
BEAT.
SCOTT
Why are you doing that? (TO BRIAN) Why is she doing that, do you know?
BRIAN
She’s trying to get you to throw her.
SCOTT
Again?
VICKY
(EMBARASSED) Th-that’s enough! That’s enough Scott, that’s enough Brian, everyone just… forget I ever did that.
SCOTT
Ok! Let me start over then…
Scott walks backwards out of view, before waiting a beat and coming back the exact same way he came in before.
SCOTT
Oh! Hey Vicky! Hey new person!
BRIAN
Uh…??
VICKY
Hey Scott! Nice to see you, how’s practice?
BRIAN
(TO HIMSELF) Oh, we’re just rolling with this.
SCOTT
(ANSWERING VICKY) It’s going great! I’m up 10 percent on the amount of effort I’m putting in from 110 to 115!
BRIAN
... what?
VICKY
That’s amazing!
BRIAN
(TO HIMSELF) And I guess we’re rolling with that too?
SCOTT
If only that effort could be transferred into us winning more games…
VICKY
(SADDENED) Oh no, Scott…!
SCOTT
Coach says we’re just not sports-ing hard enough but I’m sports-ing as hard as I can! My effort went up from 110 percent to 114!
BRIAN
Wasn’t it 115 a second ago?
SCOTT
I lost one percent by making myself sad just now…
VICKY
Scott, please don’t be sad… you’re doing your best aren’t you?
SCOTT
Yeah…
VICKY
Then that’s all that matters, isn’t it? You did your part. You don’t have to shoulder the burden for everybody, football is a team sport! As long as you do your best, and you inspire everyone else to do the same, you’re sure to be rewarded.
Scott seems to feel a little better.
SCOTT
Thanks, Vicky.
VICKY
No problem.
BEAT.
SCOTT
I’ll throw you later if you want.
VICKY
YES!
BRIAN
And there it is.
SCOTT
Oh! Sorry for this morning, Vicky. I heard you and…
BRIAN
Brian. Nice to meet you, man.
SCOTT
Nice to meet you, Brian! (TO VICKY) I heard you and Brian aren’t dating?
VICKY
Nope! Not at all, I am… I am just, so single. Like, oh my god, you couldn’t find a more available person on this campus.
Scott puts a hand on Vicky’s shoulder, sympathetic.
SCOTT
It’s ok, Vicky. You’ll find someone one day.
VICKY
…
Brian puts a hand on Vicky’s shoulder too, with a fake look of sympathy.
BRIAN
It’s ok, Vicky.
VICKY
(TO BRIAN) Shut up.
BRIAN
You know, this guy doesn’t seem too bad. What do you like, Scott? What are you into?
SCOTT
Loads of stuff! Like, throwing footballs… catching footballs… seeing footballs be thrown and caught… Ikebana…
VICKY
That’s great! You know, Brian likes football too!
SCOTT
Woah!! Really???
BRIAN
I, uh…
Scott seems really really hyped about this news. Brian relents.
BRIAN
Yeah, I like football.
SCOTT
Awesome! You know, we have a team! Look:
Scott points to his teammates. They wave at him.
SCOTT
You’re always welcome on the field, bro. Come play with us!
BRIAN
You know what…? I might.
SCOTT
Sweet!
Coach calls Scott over.
SCOTT
Right away, Coach! Sorry, guys, I gotta jet. Nice meeting you, bro Brian! Bro-an! Nah, that doesn’t work… just Brian!
BRIAN
Nice to meet you too.
Scott waves and runs back over to the team to continue practice. Brian nods a little to himself. Vicky beams from ear to ear.
BRIAN
Well, aren’t you happy?
VICKY
Of course!! My bestie’s gonna be besties with my crush!! I knew this was a great idea!
BRIAN
Alright, alright, calm down, that’s not gonna happen…
Brian gives Vicky a playful shove.
BRIAN
You’re already my besti— Uh, my best friend.
Vicky seems really pleased with herself.
BRIAN
So? Anyone else you think I should meet?
Vicky’s smile drops.
VICKY
Um… Wh-why don’t we just skip over the last one?
BRIAN
Wait, what? I mean, I’d be glad to, and I probably would’ve without you asking, but why do you wanna cut corners?
VICKY
Let’s just say that… some corners are better left cut.
At that exact moment, a massive explosion blasts out in the distance. The fierce wind buffets Vicky, Brian and Scott as well as the team as a trail of smoke fires into the air.
After a beat of the explosion dissipating, the cause of the trail of smoke, who was sent into the air by the blast, lands just a few feet from the two in a ball of fire with a thunderous crash.
From the crater he formed, a red, ashen hand rises. Damien crawls out from the seared ground, coughing out dust particles. He looks pissed.
As he gets up, Vicky steps back a little while Scott runs over to the launched Damien.
SCOTT
You ok, Bro?!
DAMIEN
(COUGHING) Not now, Scott.
Damien finally gets to his feet, angered beyond belief. He looks at Brian and sees his ripped sleeve.
DAMIEN
I KNEW IT! YOU!
Damien points to Brian.
DAMIEN
FUCK YOU!
BEAT.
BRIAN
… Ok?
DAMIEN
I’M SO FUCKING PISSED RIGHT NOW! I’M SO PISSED I COULD CRUSH MY OWN SKULL AND SLIT MY THROAT WITH THE BONE FRAGMENTS! I’M SO PISSED, I WANNA SET FIRE TO THE WHOLE CITY AND PUT OUT THAT FIRE JUST SO I CAN LIGHT IT AGAIN!
BRIAN
… Ok--?
DAMIEN
You fuckin’ piece of green, sickly shit! I’ll make you WISH YOU WERE DOUBLE DEAD YOU SON OF A BITCH! I’M GONNA PUNCH YOUR FACE SO HARD YOU’LL LOOK BACK WITH MELANCHOLY AT THE DAYS WHEN YOUR FACE BONES DIDN’T LOOK LIKE A JIGSAW PUZZLE!
BRIAN
Good for you man. It’s important to have goals in life.
BEAT.
VICKY
Is that all you have to say?
BRIAN
Sure, that and I avoid any kind of idealization of the past since that kind of thing is inherently worthless, pragmatically speaking, so I doubt I’ll be feeling any melancholy.
LIAM (O.S.)
Oooooh! Pragmatism burn!
The group turns to Liam, who is sitting on the bleachers eating popcorn.
LIAM
Violence always loses against well-constructed worldviews based on strong branches of philosophy!
BEAT.
BRIAN
… Vicky, who’s that?
VICKY
That’s—
LIAM
Liam de Lioncourt – Noted philosopher, scholar, tastemaker, influencer, and auteur. “Pleased to make your acquaintance” is what I’m sure you would’ve said, if Damien wasn’t about to punch your jaw off.
BRIAN
Wait, wha—
Damien is right in front of Brian, and punches him, aiming for his jaw. Brian dodges, however, stepping aside.
BRIAN
Woah!
LIAM
Impressive! You live to speak another day.
Brian feels a ghostly hand touch his shoulder. He turns around to see Polly, flanked by Miranda, behind him.
POLLY
Wha… Oh! Green guy!
BRIAN
Brian.
POLLY
Breineken, sure – hey did you find that heroin? Offer from earlier’s still on the table.
BRIAN
C-can I get an extension…?
POLLY
Sorry dude, 24-hour deal only. It’s a flash sale.
BRIAN
(FRUSTRATED) Damnit…!
POLLY
It’s ok though! I’m throwing a party tonight to celebrate “Imma Nutt” day, you wanna come?
BRIAN
You’re inviting me?
POLLY
Sure! You seem cool.
BRIAN
R-really?
POLLY
Not at all, but you are willing to feed my heroin addiction, so I’ll say anything you want me to.
BRIAN
Ah, that makes sense.
POLLY
Watch out for Damien, by the way.
Brian’s too distracted to dodge Damien’s next hit, however. Damien punches him in the stomach; Brian doubles over from the pain. Damien’s about to go for another punch but Vicky steps between them.
VICKY
S-STOP!
DAMIEN
Out of the way, Vicky. My deal’s with gangly over there!
VICKY
B-but!!
DAMIEN
NO BUTS!
Damien goes to try to punch Vicky, but is stopped by a retaliatory attack from Brian. Damien stumbles backwards from the hit. Brian seems serious.
BRIAN
Agh… thank god I don’t have a stomach anymore, right Vic?
DAMIEN
What the hell was that, you bastard--?!
BRIAN
No, what the hell was THAT?! You punch girls now?
DAMIEN
If she keeps getting between our brawl then I might have to!
BRIAN
Yeah alright. You want a brawl? You’re fuckin’ getting one.
Brian gets in a fighting pose, same as Damien. The two are about to clash, but right as they’re about to, Vera comes between them and disables them both.
DAMIEN
(PARALYZED) FUCK… SHIT…!
BRIAN
(PARALYZED) Not this again…!
VERA
Now, now, settle down, boys. This gratuitous violence is unbecoming.
VICKY
Vera?! How did you—
VERA
I’ve been here the whole time, of course.
BRIAN
(PARALYZED) What do you want, Fiona?
VERA
I can’t believe I’m actually jealous of Damien, but here we are! To think he gets to annihilate you in my stead…
VICKY
What’s your game, Vera?
VERA
Didn’t I just say? I’m not a fan of reckless violence…
BEAT.
VERA
(CONTINUING) …That doesn’t generate income for me – I’m a HUGE fan of violence, of every variety. I’m just here to sell tickets to this fight.
Vera pulls tickets from her jacket pocket. As soon as she does, a crowd manifests from literally nowhere to request these tickets.
VERA
(ADRESSING CROWD) Come one, come all! Watch Damien skin this latest of god’s mistakes, live! Tickets start at 900 dollars for ringside seats, and remain at 900 dollars for every seat. Tickets are 900. Fight starts at 10PM!
POLLY
What?! That’s the same time as my party! what the hell Vera?! You wanna double-book all my guests?!
VERA
… Polly, the fight is happening at your party.
POLLY
Oh…!
DAMIEN
(PARALYZED) What do you mean… 10PM! I WANNA KICK HIS ASS NOW…!
VERA
Wouldn’t you rather do so with a crowd to see his skeleton be dismantled?
Damien chuckles menacingly to himself.
DAMIEN
(PARALYZED) Fair… point!
BRIAN
(PARALYZED) You think… I’m gonna show up to your bullshit money making scheme?!
VERA
Brian, Brian, Brian. Think about this way!
Vera puts a hand on Brian’s shoulder.
VERA
If you don’t show up, I’m making Vicky fight.
Brian is silent for a beat, before sighing deeply.
ACT THREE
INT. SPOOKY HIGH SCHOOL, CAFETERIA – EVENING
The cafeteria has been transformed into a fully turnt up party, which just so happens to have a four-sided cage erected in the center. A raucous crowd has assembled to witness the fight. Damien sits in a corner of the cage, firing himself up. Brian sits in the opposite corner of the cage, while Vicky stands beside him outside it.
VICKY
Alright, remember what we went over! Float like a butterfly, sting like the 8th season of Game of Thrones!
BRIAN
… Hey, Vicky. When you told me I should go to school with you, did you think something like this might happen?
VICKY
Honestly? Yeah. Everyone at this school is insane…
BRIAN
This whole thing seems fishy as hell. Why does this guy I’ve never met want to beat me up?!
VICKY
Damien’s just like that. He’s a demon.
BRIAN
He’s a what?!
VICKY
A demon. From hell?
BRIAN
… HELL IS REAL?!
VICKY
Uhhhh, yeah? Why are you freaking out?
BRIAN
Why are you just fine with this?! God might be real too!
VICKY
What do you mean… might?
Brian’s eyes widen.
VICKY
Brian, God and hell being real is the least of your worries right now. The guy you’re about to fight is no joke: he’s the prince of the 8th circle of hell! They say he’s been indicted for arson so many times they invented fourth degree arson specifically to describe what he does to buildings.
BRIAN
(BEWILDERED) … Should I stop eating pork? (NOTICING VICKY) Oh, uh, sorry. Were you talking?
BEAT.
VICKY
Ugh.
MIRANDA (O.S.)
WOOOO!
Miranda sits on the sideline, having bought a whole row’s worth of ringside seats, cheering politely.
MIRANDA
GO DAMIEN! GRIND THE MAN I DON’T KNOW INTO A FINE PASTE! If you please.
BRIAN
What is her deal…?
VICKY
Brian, listen. I’m sorry this happened but… do your best, ok? I’m sure you’ll be fine. I’m in your corner! Don’t get hurt too bad!
BEAT.
VICKY
… Just try not to die, ok?
Vera takes the stage and grabs a mic. She cues for dramatic lighting as she speaks.
VERA
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main event of the evening! Live from our very own school cafeteria- this is what you’ve all been waiting for! Damien LaVey PULVERIZES a hapless, witless, godless whelp!
The crowd’s roaring cheers fill the room.
VERA
Fighting out of the red corner – standing at 6 feet 2 inches tall, weighted at 173 pounds! With a record of 666 wins and NO losses! Wanted across 40 different countries around the world for crimes such as first degree arson, burglary, homicide, embezzlement, genocide, Perjury, second degree arson, disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace, about 500 different DUI’s, Identity theft, third degree arson AND fourth degree arson! The prince of hell – DAMIEN LAVEY!
The crowd goes even wilder than it did a second ago.
VERA
Now! Fighting out of the inferior blue corner – standing physically at 6 feet 4 inches, but standing mentally at well below 20 IQ points, weighted at 167 pounds! Blood type is A! Lives at 700 LaGrove street! Social security number is 180 277 900! Bank PIN is 0905!
VICKY
H-How do you know that?!
VERA
With a record of nothing but losses! The punching bag – BRIAN YU!
The crowd boos him heavily. They start chucking garbage at him, which doesn’t bother Brian too much, even when a ramune can hits Brian square in the head. He just picks it up and drinks what’s left.
VERA
Fighters!
Brian gets up, same as Damien, and they both meet in the center of the arena. Vera gets out of the ring as Scott – in a referee outfit – enters, standing between the fighters.
DAMIEN
You’re fucking dead, man!
BRIAN
Yep.
SCOTT
Alright, this fight’s gonna have breaks every 5 minutes. There’s no round limit - whoever’s left standing by the end is the winner. I wanna see a good clean fight, alright?
BRIAN
Alright.
DAMIEN
Fine…
Vera strikes the bell signifying the first round. The crowd roars at the impending bout.
MONTAGE – THE FIGHT
A montage of the fight ensues. Damien and Brian battle in the ring, exchanging fierce blows with one another. Damien is a lot more offensive than Brian is, who prefers dodging and blocking rather than striking back, but that’s not to say Brian doesn’t get any good hits in. It seems as though they’re evenly matched. Every once in a while, the fighters go back to their corners where Brian is tended to by Vicky and given vague advice like to “believe in himself”. This goes on for… a long time.
We see cuts of the round number increasing, 1, 2, 4, 7, 9, etc… As the audience gets progressively more tired, and the fighters get exponentially more tired.
END MONTAGE
The montage ends with round 15. Everyone’s exhausted. Damien is breathing heavily, severely beat up. Brian is in the same position. He sits in his corner as Vicky tends to his cuts.
VICKY
Brian, I can’t abide by this. You’re getting really beat up… at this rate it’s better if you just forfeit. Brian?
Brian’s not listening. He’s got his fingers up to his neck. As we pull in, we can tell he’s listening to his heartbeat. It’s… fast. Brian chuckles a little.
BRIAN
Vicky…
VICKY
(WORRIED) Brian?
BRIAN
We’re both… dead, right? Both of us have died… and yet we live on. For a long time, I struggled with reconciling my death with my continued existence. What brought me here? What force led to my walking this earth beyond my natural life? And, more terrifyingly… how many days do I have left, knowing my days have already run out? Do you ever think about this?
BEAT.
Vicky looks horrified.
VICKY
Brian… Did you hit your head?
Brian stares at Vicky, deadpan. After a moment, he looks across the ring to Damien who’s grumbling and muttering under his breath. He looks to everyone he’s met: Scott, who’s admiring his referee whistle, Vera, who’s counting the money she made off the event over and over again, Liam, taking a picture of Damien’s bruised face, Miranda, who’s found the bluebird from that morning and is now strangling it, and Polly, who’s fully passed out.
He nods to himself.
BRIAN
Yeah. I must’ve.
Scott motions for the fighters to get up and come to the center.
SCOTT
Alright! The promoter – that’s Vera – said she’s getting bored so this is gonna be the last round!
DAMIEN
Fine by me, I don’t even need a round to lay this fucking guy flat on his ass.
BRIAN
That’s why 15 rounds in I’m still standing, right?
DAMIEN
I’ll admit you’re tougher than you look.
BRIAN
Same to you.
DAMIEN
…
Damien extends a hand to Brian. Brian takes it with no hesitation.
DAMIEN
No matter how this turns out… you’re one tough son of a bitch.
BRIAN
Don’t come complaining to me when you get knocked out.
DAMIEN
I’d like to see you fuckin’ try!
BRIAN
Funny you should say that. I think I might actually start trying now.
The bell rings again. The fighters take their stances. That said both of them are severely tired. Damien psyches himself up, and Brian does the same. They lunge toward each other, preparing to strike simultaneously. But just as they’re about to make contact—
COCK
BAKAAAAAWK!
Like a sign from god, a feather falls between the fighters.
BRIAN
Wha…?
DAMIEN
No way…!
Damien looks up, mystified. Before everyone at the party, the unthinkable happens : chicken falls from the sky, floating down angelically, until it lands in Damien’s arms.
DAMIEN
(CRYING) My… MY COCK!! YOU’RE FINE!
Damien strokes his chicken lovingly.
DAMIEN
I’m never letting you go…!
Everyone is confused at this, the weirdest scene they’ve ever seen.
BRIAN
Uhh…
Damien turns to Brian.
BRIAN
Nice chicken?
DAMIEN
Of course it’s a nice cock, that’s why you stole it!
BRIAN
… I didn’t though?
BEAT.
DAMIEN
Wait, seriously?
BRIAN
Nope, never seen that chicken before.
DAMIEN
Then why did Vera show me a picture of you and tell me you stole my cock?
BRIAN
Because I’ve been making fun of her all day, so she both has a motive and the means to frame me for anything she wants?
DAMIEN
That’s ridiculous! She wouldn’t just—
BRIAN
She’s gone.
DAMIEN
Wha--?!
Damien turns to where Vera was. Vera’s totally gone, she bolted.
Damien witnesses this then turns back to his cock.
DAMIEN
… I need better friends.
BRIAN
Well…
Brian extends a hand to Damien.
BRIAN
The name’s Brian.
DAMIEN
Hahaha!
Damien takes Brian’s hand and shakes it vigorously.
DAMIEN
Damien! Nice to meet you!
BRIAN
Likewise.
POLLY (O.S.)
BOOO!
The boys turn to Polly, who’s standing in the crowd.
POLLY
What are you guys doing?! Finish the fight!
The crowd echoes her sentiments.
DAMIEN
But like… why? I don’t wanna beat him up anymore.
BRIAN
I kinda wanna know which one of us’ll win though…
DAMIEN
Same, honestly…
BRIAN
(TO VICKY) Vicky! Any ideas?
Vicky thinks for a moment.
VICKY
Actually…
INT. “IMMA NUTT” DAY PARTY – LATER
Cut to the boys dueling in…
BRIAN
(SINGING) Taaalking away…!
… Karaoke. The party’s raging on as the boys trade verses of a-ha’s iconic hit “Take on Me”. Neither of them is especially good, but no one’s sober enough to care.
BRIAN (V.O.)
I didn’t know it at the time but… in a weird way, this stupid story about me and Damien fighting over a chicken is where everything started.
As Brian speaks, we see shots of all his classmates having fun at this party.
BRIAN (V.O.)
The year I spent here… my last year of high school… this right here is where it really started. Not just for me--
First, Polly and Miranda, who’ve made up, screaming the lyrics to take on me along with Brian and Damien.
BRIAN (V.O.)
-For all of us! It’s honestly funny to think about the people we were back then… Polly, Miranda… Liam, Scott…
Scott’s going crazy on the dance floor. Liam watches from a distance and rolls his eyes.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Vera…
Vera sits alone on the steps leading up to the gate of the school, dialing someone on her cellphone.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Damien…
DAMIEN
(SINGING) Taaaaake ooonnnn meeeee…!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Me…
BRIAN
(SINGING) Taaaake meeee ooooon…!
BRIAN (V.O.)
Vicky…
Vicky stands in the crowd, smiling sweetly at Brian. Brian catches her glance and smiles back at her. A genuine smile, with no jeer or snideness. Just a smile that says… I’m having fun.
BRIAN (V.O.)
Even people I hadn’t met just yet. Thinking about who we were, compared to who we are… we really haven’t changed at all. Every one of us is the same awful person we always were… Just a bunch of killers, scammers, addicts, and maniacs. Monsters. and I’m right there with ‘em! Haha… Crazy how one day you just…
Damien nods to Brian. Brian nods back.
BRIAN (V.O.)
… Find your people.
BRIAN & DAMIEN
(SINGING TOGETHER) I’ll beeeee goooooone…! IN A DAY OR TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--!
DAMIEN’S COCK
BAKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWK--!
FADE OUT:
THE END