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Healing: the process of an organism’s restoration to health.
Madotsuki stared through the white glare of the laptop screen, reading the definition over and over. A process. Meaning that it wouldn’t happen instantly. Getting better was something that required work.
And health. What was health? What did it look like for her? Maybe ‘health’ was different for everyone?
Madotsuki blinked against the bright light of the laptop before closing it. She wasn’t sure what her version of health was. She wasn’t even sure why she’d looked up the definition in the first place. But, she supposed, being a bored hikikomori will do that to you.
She leaned back against the headboard of her bed, seeing the after-image of the glowing laptop screen in front of her eyes. Whatever health was, it definitely wasn’t sitting in a pitch-black room waiting for happiness to find her. She knew that she had to find it herself. But looking for it was the hard part.
What was health? What was happiness? These were the two main things that Madotsuki wanted in life. But what did they even look like for her? They weren’t really things that she could touch, but even so that didn’t mean they weren’t important.
After some minutes, Madotsuki threw off the covers and dragged herself out of bed to sit at her desk. She opened her dream diary to the back page and took a pen. At the top of the page she wrote ‘Things that make me feel happy’ and then made her first dot point.
What made her happy? Nothing came to mind right away. She tapped the pen on the paper a few times, as if that would jog her memory, but the only thing she could think of was ‘Poniko.’
That’s a start, Madotsuki thought, writing down Poniko’s name at the top of her list. What else…?
After staring at the page for a few more moments, Madotsuki sighed. Ok, maybe a rephrase. What are some things that make me feel ‘not sad’?
With that question in mind, Madotsuki wrote down two more things: reading books about lucid dreaming and the sashimi platters she got delivered from that one really good take-out place.
Madotsuki looked at the blank space that made up the rest of the page, overwhelmed as to how she would manage to fill it. No, that’s enough for now, she tried to reassure herself. It’s a good start, a good effort.
She closed the dream diary for the time being and craned her head back to look at the ceiling, strands of greasy hair falling around her face. Maybe I should shower. But she didn’t have the energy.
Maybe I should visit Poniko instead.
...oOo…
“Hey, Mado-Mado.” Poniko stood up from the bed, extending her arms out to give Madotsuki a hug. “How are you today?”
“Confused,” Madotsuki mumbled, her voice raspy from disuse.
“Hmm, this is about getting better isn’t it?”
Madotsuki nodded, closing her eyes to breathe Poniko’s familiar scent. “But I don’t know how. I don’t know what ‘better’ looks like for me. I’ve been unwell for a long time and it’s just...well...it’s normal now.”
Poniko stroked Madotsuki’s hair. “It can feel like that, can’t it? When you’ve been in a dark place for so long, light can feel uncomfortable. Even though we’re supposed to live in the light.”
Madotsuki smiled a little. “How are you so wise?”
“I’m only saying what you already know deep down. We share the same knowledge. I’m just a part of your dreams, after all.”
“Not just ,” Madotsuki said, squeezing the blonde girl tighter. “You’re not just anything. You’ve helped me so much.”
Poniko took Madotsuki by the shoulders and stood back to see her face fully. She smiled at Madotsuki in a way that made her eyes crinkle and shine. “All of that help has been self-help. I’m part of you, Madotsuki. All of the things I’ve said or done to help you have been by you . All that effort towards getting better, it’s all come from you.”
Madotsuki fell silent, tears pricking at her eyes. She buried her face into Poniko’s chest again, suddenly consumed by a feeling she couldn’t describe. She’d needed to hear those words. For years she’d needed to hear those words.
“I love you,” she whimpered, too overwhelmed to say anything else.
Poniko drew her familiar arms around Madotsuki, running soft fingers through her hair. “You love yourself ,” she whispered.
...oOo...
Things that make me feel happy
- Poniko
- Reading lucid dreaming books
- The sashimi platters from Sachiko’s Sushi
- Taking a nice warm shower (even if I don’t have the energy to wash properly)
- Sitting out on the balcony in the fresh air
- Making snacks for myself
- Buying some new comfy clothes for myself
- Singing to myself while I do chores
- Online therapy chats
- Living in a clean space
- Answering the door when deliveries arrive, instead of hiding
It had been several months, and the achievements Madotsuki had made could be considered small, yes, but they were achievements nonetheless. And they were hers. They were things she had done all by herself.
She still had her mental illness, and she still escaped into the dream world more than she wanted to, but Madotsuki was getting better.
She sat now at her desk, with her list of happy things in front of her. It still didn’t reach the bottom of the page (it only filled about a third of it, even after a few months). But Madotsuki realised she didn’t care; it didn’t matter, because there was no actual need to fill it unless she wanted to.
Madotsuki took a pen, uncapped it, and wrote another dot point underneath the previous ones.
- Healing
She looked at the word she’d written...that beautiful, hopeful word. She thought to herself that perhaps it was her favourite word.
“Healing makes me happy,” Madotsuki whispered. She picked up the dream diary and held it close to her heart, feeling an overwhelming bubble of pride expand in her chest. It rose up over her, making her eyes water with happy tears. The world was still a beautiful place, despite everything that had happened to her.
She knew she wasn’t perfect. And she accepted that she never would be. But she would keep trying, for the rest of her life, to heal.