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Fjord has a lot of problems. They vary in severity; from a vengeful betrayer god who possibly wants him dead to somehow assisting with brokering peace between nations that have been warring for centuries. And yet, there is one that he’s been avoiding, because he doesn’t know how to deal with it. It’s the one that keeps plaguing him no matter what else is going on in the world.
Fjord is in love with one of his best friends and he has no idea what he’s supposed to do with that.
This problem, of course, branches out into several others:
- If Beau is to be believed, Jester had a crush on him when they first started traveling together.
1a. In hindsight, this is fairly obvious and he kind of feels like an idiot.
1b. Beau could just be fucking with him.
- He thinks she might be over that crush, but he can’t tell, and he would feel stupid asking anyone for their opinion on it, because he’s an adult man and he should be able to deal with these things.
- A crush is very different than love and maybe she has a crush on him, but her feelings aren’t deeper than that.
- If he confesses these feelings and she doesn’t return them, he could ruin their friendship forever.
- Jester has a lot of things to worry about and he doesn’t want to put any additional pressure on her.
- Jester deserves someone better than him for multiple reasons.
- He’s not even sure he knows how to be in love properly.
There are more. Others. But he’s tired of going through the list over and over in his own head. The newest problem is that now that Travelercon is over and they’re back in Rosohna, none of them know what they’re supposed to do next. And he keeps running into Jester in the halls in increasingly awkward situations made a hundred times worse by the fact that every time he sees her, he wants to kiss her.
Gods, he wants to kiss her.
Caleb isn’t in the house very often. He’s spending quite a bit of time with Essek while the two of them look into the vision everyone had when Vokodo died. Caduceus has been talking about going back home to check on his family. Beau and Yasha are talking about searching for Zuala’s grave so Yasha can try to find peace. And Veth and Jester are talking about going back to Nicodranas to spend some time with their families.
Fjord could stay in Rosohna, but he wants to go to Nicodranas. Not just because that’s where Jester will be, but he’s stopped denying that isn’t a huge point in its favor. He has other things to do. He wants to see if he can track down Sabien. Find out what happened on the boat that night and why. Jester would help, if he asked, and he knows that. But he can’t get rid of the nagging feeling that he would be in the way. That she doesn’t want him there.
He’s sitting in the living room by himself agonizing over all of this when Jester walks in and he loses his breath. She pokes her head in through the door first. When she sees him on the couch, her entire face lights up with her contagious grin and his heart thumps dangerously in his chest.
“There you are!” She slips into the room and closes the door behind her. “I’ve been looking for you.”
Fjord knows he should say something, but he’s pretty sure he’s forgotten how to speak. This. This is the problem. He sees her and she’s beautiful and smiling and his entire brain shuts off. She’s wearing her navy blue dress that ties around the back of her neck, exposing her arms and shoulders. The diamond dust tattoo glimmers along the lines of her shoulders and fuck, he should stop staring, he really should, but the sight of her makes his mouth go dry.
Jester doesn’t seem to notice his conundrum as she skips across the room and throws herself onto the couch next to him. Gods, she seems so much happier since they got back. Like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders. She tucks her legs under her skirt, facing him, and pokes him in the shoulder.
“Caleb’s looking for you,” she says.
It’s possible that her fingers linger over his shoulder. It’s possible that he’s reading too much into it.
Fjord forces himself to smile in a way that he hopes is disarming. “Does he need something?”
“Yeah.” She pokes him again with a smile. “Are you staying in Rosohna or not?”
“Ah. That.” Fjord wrinkles his nose. Jester tilts her head, staring at him. Waiting. Fjord just stares back until he realizes what he’s doing and his cheeks start to get dangerously hot. He pulls his eyes away from her and stares into his lap as he scratches the back of his neck. “I would get kind of bored being alone in this house.”
“Then come to Nicodranas?” She swallows hard all of a sudden. “Unless, I mean, I guess you could go with Caduceus. I know you want to learn more about the Wildmother.”
This makes him look up again. Her fingers are tracing the back of the couch, inches away from him, and she’s staring down at the cushion so her hair has fallen down into her face. Fjord flexes his hand to try to rid himself of the urge to brush her hair back.
“I suppose that’s an option,” he says carefully. He shifts so he’s facing her, his knee brushing hers, but she doesn’t move. “I, uh…. I do have some unfinished business back home, though.”
Her head whips up. “You do?”
Fjord can’t help but smile at the possibility that there’s hope in her voice. “Yeah, I do. I’ve tried to find Sabien before. It’s been some time. Maybe I’ll have better luck now.”
“Maybe I could help you.”
“I couldn’t ask you to do that. You deserve to spend some time with your mother after all you’ve been through.”
“You’re not asking. I’m offering.” She scoots a little closer so their knees are actually touching. “Besides.” She lowers her voice conspiratorially. “I’d get kind of bored sitting around the house all day, too.”
And there it is again. That overwhelming urge to kiss her. It’s not even an urge. More like a need. His body aches with it. It’s like every rational thought has abandoned him, because he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing when he leans forward and presses his lips to hers.
Gently.
Briefly.
Briefly, because as soon as he makes contact, logic slams back into his brain and fuck, he kissed Jester, and he pulls back so fast his back is straight against the arm of the couch. The look on her face might be funny if he weren’t so sure that it’s mirrored on his own face. Her eyes are wide, her cheeks are flushed, her fingers rest carefully on her lips.
And to top it all off, he wants to do it again. Better. The right way. But he’s frozen and he’s forgotten how to move or speak or function or be normal in any way and oh gods, he’s fucked up.
“Sorry,” he manages to stutter out. “I’m sorry, Jessie. I just – I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to….”
She blinks once. Twice. Her hand still touching her mouth. “What was that for, Fjord?”
He shakes his head and swallows hard. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?”
He nods, unable to speak. She frowns, hand dropping heavily into her lap.
“Okay.” She stands and brushes her hands down her skirt. “Well, if you decide you’re coming to Nicodranas, tell Caleb tonight. We’re leaving in the morning.”
“It’s still okay if I go to Nicodranas with you?”
She half-laughs, but it’s dampened by something. Anger, he thinks. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Because you’re angry with me.”
Jester sighs, rolling her eyes, and her hands clench into fists at her sides. “I’m not angry with you, Fjord.”
“Really?” He stands, closer to her than he intended, but that doesn’t matter. He just taps one of her fists. “It seems like you’re angry.”
She crosses her arms in front of her chest. “Why would I be angry?”
“Because I kissed you without asking?! And you don’t… like… me? Like that?”
So many different emotions cross her face and Fjord isn’t very good at reading people to begin with. He’s too busy feeling like an absolute fool to try now. He’s a grown man and he’s worried about whether or not she likes him back. Whether or not he’s done irreparable damage to their friendship with a heat-of-the-moment decision. And they’re both adults and they should be able to talk about this like –.
Without warning, her hands are on the back of his neck and she pulls him back down into another kiss. He’s so shocked that he doesn’t respond at first. She’s about to pull away and no he doesn’t want that, so he grabs her by the hips and pulls her back and kisses her again. A little harder than he intended, but she lets out a pleased sigh and her fingers curl at the back of his neck, so all of a sudden, things seem a lot fucking better.
He kisses her lips and both her cheeks. Her nose. Her forehead. Her chin. He just wants to kiss her everywhere, because he’s not entirely sure what’s happening or if it will happen again and he wants to absorb as much as he can now.
It’s a while before she sets her hands on his chest and pulls back, ducking her head to the side with a giggle when he tries to kiss her again. He wrinkles his nose at her, brushing her hair back behind her ear instead. Staring at her freckles as his fingers run across her cheek. Down the side of her neck. Across her shoulder.
“I didn’t think you liked me,” she says quietly.
“Well, I do,” he whispers back. It’s more an exhale than a sentence. His heart twists in his chest, because there it is. Officially out in the open.
“Okay.” She swallows hard and her fingers curl into his shirt as she sucks her bottom lip between her teeth. “Well.” Her eyes are searching his face, her breathing staggered. “I don’t know what that means.”
Fjord’s fingers still against her skin. “What do you mean? Is this not….”
The words get stuck in his throat. He tries to take a step back, but she has a grip on his shirt and he can’t move.
“That’s not what I’m saying,” she says, a little louder. “I’ve never – This is – I don’t know what I’m doing, okay?”
Oh. He doesn’t say anything. He just waits. Her fingers unclench and she smooths the fabric of his shirt, sending little shocks through his body. She finally just grabs his elbow, staring at his chest instead of meeting his eyes.
“You’re my best friend, Fjord. And I don’t know –.” She shakes her head. “I’m sure you could have whoever you want. Somebody beautiful. Someone who maybe knows….” She trails off again, her shoulders hunching forward.
“Hey.” The word comes out sharp. He tucks his fingers under her chin and tilts her head back up. “Jester. I don’t know where you got this idea that I have any idea what I’m doing, but I don’t. And you’re beautiful. Inside and out. It’s why I – why I like you. So much. I thought you were mad at me, because I ruined our friendship. I’d rather be in love with you from afar than lose you as a friend. Okay?”
“Okay,” she says, the disbelief on her face quickly being overtaken by a smirk. “So, you’ve been secretly in love with me this whole time, huh?”
Fjord groans and throws his head back, pretending to be more put out than he actually is. “Jester.”
She pats his chest before she steps out of his arms. “All I’m saying is that I gave you plenty of opportunities to confess.”
“Where are you going?” Fjord lets out a heavy sigh and reaches out for her again.
Jester sidesteps his grasp. “Are you coming to Nicodranas?”
“If you’ll have me.” She wiggles her eyebrows at him and he chokes on a mix of laughter and exasperation. He walked right into that one. “Yes. I’m going to Nicodranas with you, okay?”
“To be with me?”
“To look for Sabien.”
She frowns, but her eyes are still alight with humor.
His heart clenches in his chest, because... this can’t be real. “Yes,” he says, unable to stop grinning all of a sudden. “I’d like to be there with you.”
Jester nods and steps around him. He reaches out to grab her elbow before she can get too far, spinning her around, pulling her back into his chest.
“Where are you going?”
“To tell Caleb and Veth that you’ve decided.”
He’s more pleased than he’d like to admit over the breathlessness in her voice. “Can I kiss you again first?”
“I think you’re trying to distract me.”
“You distract me all the time.”
“Well, okay then.”
Fjord kisses her again and it’s hard, because it feels like laughter and light are bubbling up in his chest and he wants to kiss her, but he also can’t seem to stop from smiling. So he grins against her mouth and then kisses her chin again and then her cheek and then her neck before he steps back and lets her go.
“I can’t believe you weren’t ever going to tell me that you’re in love with me,” she says, grinning, practically floating back toward the door.
He just smiles back, cheeks flushing a little, as she slips back out.
“I don’t think I could have helped myself,” he says, once he’s alone again.