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Hinata was sleeping when his phone went off.
He opened his eyes to see the caller ID: Bakeyama.
Closing his eyes again, he let it ring.
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“Shoyo, ya awake?” Atsumu said as he poked his head into the shorty’s room.
Hinata groaned and rolled over.
Atsumu bit his lip. The other had noticed something off with their newest member, but they weren’t exactly sure what. Sure Hinata had spent more time in bed than normal, but he was probably just tired. No one could have that much energy all the time.
And then Tobio showed up out of the blue, demanding to see their wing spiker.
“Nope, ya gotta get up. Tobio’s here.” Atsumu said as he walked further into the room.
Hinata rolled back over, “What?”
“Tobio Kageyama? Ya know, that asshole setter you had in high school?”
Rubbing a hand on his face, Hinata sat up, “I’ll be out in a minute. Tell him to calm his ass down, I missed one call.”
Atsumu frowned, “Hinata, he says ya have been ignoring his calls for weeks.”
Hinata squinted at the other boy, and then picked up his phone. The date was July 26th. He froze. Wasn’t it May, like yesterday?
“Fuck.” He put his head in his hands, “Toss me that sweatshirt?”
Hinata pointed to the Black Jackals hoodie in a pile on his dresser. Atsumu picked it up and tossed it at him, Hinata throwing in on quickly.
He took a deep breath before forcing himself to stand up and leave his room, Atsumu following wordlessly behind him.
“Oi, Tobio. The gremlin has left the bed.” Atsumu jokes, but the two didn’t smile.
Bokuto and Sakusa were sitting at the table enjoying breakfast. While they were off for a few weeks they all tried to keep up their normal schedules. Except Hinata had barely left his room in days.
“Shoyo! Want some cereal? We got your favorite!” Bokuto exclaimed and Sakusa nodded.
Hinata tried to throw on a smile, “I’m good. But thanks.”
Kageyama glared, “Dumbass, you need to eat.”
Hinata looked back, “I’m not hungry.”
“Uh huh, and when’s the last time you had a proper meal?” He raised an eyebrow.
Hinata shrugged, “I dunno. Maybe I’m getting sick or something.”
Kageyama sighed, “I don’t think so, Sho.” He turned to Bokuto, “Can you show me the cereal? I’m gonna make sure this dumbass doesn’t die of starvation.”
Bokuto looks between the two before nodding, Kageyama follows him into the kitchen.
Atsumu looks at the younger boy, “Ya know, my morning runs have been so boring without the annoying ginger pushing me.”
Despite Atsumu meaning it as a joke, Hinata deflated, “I’m sorry, I’m sure they’re more relaxing now.”
“Shoyo, I was joking. It’s always more fun when you come along,” He paused, “Is everything okay?”
“Of course, always.” Hinata says as Kageyama returns with a bowl of cereal, placing it at the table with the other two players.
Hinata sits at the table, “I’m not hungry. I’ll eat later.”
“Eat it, you know you’re hungry.” Kageyama demanded.
He forced the spoon in his mouth, slowly chewing until all of the food was gone. Placing the spoon in the bowl he gets up to wash his dish, returning a few minutes later.
“Are we going to talk about this?” Kageyama asked, his arms crossed.
“About what?” Hinata played dumb.
“You know what, dumbass.” He paused looking at the others, “We can talk in your room.”
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“You’ve been ignoring my calls.” Was the first thing Kageyama said as he sat on Hinata’s bed.
“I was asleep.”
Kageyama frowned, “Hinata I call at different hours each day.”
Hinata shrugged.
“Fine, let's try this again. I know you’ve been wearing the compression sleeve again.”
Hinata looked at him, “So? We’re professional volleyball players, Kageyama.”
He rolled his eyes, “Yes I am well aware of our lifestyle. But, the last time you did this, you ended up in the hospital. Correct me if I’m wrong.”
Hinata curled in on himself, “It’s not like that this time.”
“Hinata do your roommates even know?” Kageyama pushed, “I can’t be here all of the time and what if you went too deep again? Then what?”
“Nothing happens! I told you it’s not like that, Tobio!” Hinata yelled.
Kageyama narrowed his eyes, “Oh yeah? Then prove it. Take off the sweatshirt.”
“No.” Hinata glared back, “I’m not a kid anymore! You guys can’t just wait for me to fuck up so my parents can check me into a facility somewhere! I’m an adult, I can handle myself!”
Hinata was growing louder with each sentence despite the other boy sitting only a few feet away. He knew he was getting angry rather quickly, but he wasn’t giving in. It wasn’t like last time.
He was in control.
Kageyama sighed, “No one is ‘waiting for you to fuck up’ dumbass! We’re just worried about you! Have you ever thought of that? I’m not pitying you, or babying you. I’m trying to make sure I don’t lose my best friend!”
Hinata huffed, “Well stop worrying, I’m fine .”
The other boy laughed, “Really? Have you looked at yourself lately? When’s the last time you took a shower? Ate a full meal? Exercised?”
Hinata glared at the wall.
“Shoyo, this isn’t normal. You know that.”
The smaller boy had tears in his eyes, “It’s not like last time, I’m in control.”
Kageyama sucked in a breath, “Are you?”
“Yes.”
“Then take off your sweatshirt, show me that I’m worrying about nothing.” He said.
Hinata didn’t move.
“I’ll leave if you show me.”
“No.”
Kageyama grit his teeth, “By not showing me your arm, dumbass, you’re admitting to something being wrong.”
“No, I don’t need to, because nothing is wrong!”
“Okay, then what happens next? You keep this up, and you’ll lose your spark on the court, and then your spot. And if you go too deep and have to get stitches? You’ll be benched until it heals.”
“Shut up.” Hinata says.
“Or don’t forget being forced to be on suicide watch for three days. I’m sure you remember that. Or how about when you finally succeed, whether on purpose or not, are you ready to leave this all behind?”
“Shut up!”
“You’ve been working for this all your life, and you’re just going to throw it all away? All that time training in Brazil, wasted. Is that really what you want?” Kageyama yelled at the smaller boy, ignoring the wet feeling in his eyes.
“Shut up! Shut up! Get the fuck out of my fucking room you asshole!” Hinata screamed, “You have no right to say any of that shit! I don’t want you here, I didn’t ask you to do this! Get out!”
He started pushing Kageyama off his bed, throwing various objects at him until he left his room.
Hinata collapsed and curled into a ball on his bed, the tears freely falling.
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Kageyama leaned on the back of the door, he didn’t know what he was expecting. He knew Hinata wouldn’t listen to reason, but he was scared. He didn’t want to lose his best friend.
He pinched his eyes in his hand and wiped away his tears, turning to the living room where the others were.
“Ya good, Tobio?” Atsumu asked, concern clear in his eyes.
The walls were paper thin, and with how the two were yelling at the end, he’s sure they heard a lot of it.
“I’m fine.” He said walking towards the door, turning back before leaving, “Keep an eye on him, please.”
The door shut behind him, leaving Hinata’s roommates to wonder what the hell just happened.
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Hinata didn’t speak to his roommates for the rest of the week.
He skipped out on their normal group workouts at the gym, and when the three returned on Friday, Hinata’s door was open.
They all let out a breath in relief, thinking that their friend would be back to his normal sunshine self. But Hinata wasn’t in the apartment.
__________________________________
To: Kageyama
I’m going back to therapy.
Sent: 12:46
To: Kageyama
I’m sorry. I just-I don’t want to admit I’m bad again.
Sent: 12:48
To: Kageyama
I don’t want to lose you either.
You’re my best friend.
I don’t want to give up.
But I’m just so tired.
Sent: 12:52
To: Kageyama
Call me later.
If you want.
Sent: 12:56
__________________________________
From: Kageyama
Good.
I’m done with training at 6.
I’m coming over, be there at 7.
Sent: 1:30
__________________________________
Hinata returned home after his appointment, the rest of his roommates were watching TV in the living room.
“Hey, Sho.” Atsumu said cautiously.
Hinata bit his lip as he slipped off his shoes, “Can I, um, talk to you guys for a minute?”
One of the boys turned off the TV.
“Sure, Shoyo. What’s up?” Atsumu said.
And Bokuto adds, “How come you didn’t tell us you were going out? Did you workout without us?”
Hinata walked up to them, sticking his hands in his pocket, “I had an appointment, with my old therapist.”
“Ignore Bokuto, if you didn’t want to tell us you didn’t have too.” Sakusa says in response.
Hinata gives them a small smile, “No, it’s okay. You guys kind of deserve to know. And I think you should, in case this happens again.”
He takes a breath, “I kind of relapsed?”
“Relapsed?” Atsumu asked, “Does this have to do with what ya and Kageyama were fighting about?”
Hinata looked down, “Yeah, he noticed I was wearing my compression sleeves during games again.”
“So? It’s not that uncommon in volleyball.” Bokuto said.
“Yeah, but I only wear it when I have to cover up my cuts. He’d seen me do the same thing when we were second years.” Hinata says, “He knew from the second I started wearing it. But I didn’t want to admit it out loud. So I got angry.”
“Sho, you’ve been hurting yourself?” Atsumu asked with his eyes wide, Bokuto looked upset.
Hinata throws on a smile, “Yeah, but don’t worry too much! It’s fine, not a big deal, at all. You guys couldn’t have known.”
Hinata turned his head to hide the tears in his eyes, even though he wasn’t a kid anymore this kind of stuff never got any easier to talk about.
“Of course it’s a big deal.” Sakusa says, “Self harm isn’t something to take lightly.”
“Ya Shoyo, why didn’t ya come to us sooner?” Atsumu asked.
“I didn’t want to bother you guys, and I thought I had it under control, but like last time, I was wrong,” He choked out with a laugh.
“What do you mean?” Bokuto asked, “What happened last time?”
Hinata rubbed the back of his neck, “I went too deep, nicked a vein and landed myself in the hospital.”
“And this time?” He somehow managed to ask despite feeling like his mouth was filled with sand.
“It wasn’t nearly as bad, but I couldn’t get it to stop at first. I eventually just had to use some butterfly bandages, but I got scared.” He admitted, “Kageyama was telling me that I was just giving up on everything I’d worked for, but I didn’t want to listen. I thought I was in control of my actions, but then I let everything else kind of take over.”
Hinata’s roommates were silent.
No one knew what to say, of course they all wanted to help him, but they were all still trying to process what he had said.
Hinata always looked so happy, did he really do that to himself? Did he really hate himself that much?
Atumu broke the silence, “Ya wanna watch a movie with us? We could have a cuddle pile.”
Hinata let out a laugh, he still had tears in his eyes, but he was happy. At least for a little while, who knew what later would bring when he talked to Kageyama, or when he had to face his thoughts alone. But his friends were there for him.
Getting back to where he was was going to be difficult, but it’d be worth it. Kageyama was right. He worked so hard to get to where he was, and he wasn’t just going to give it all up without a fight.
He settled on the couch between Atsumu and Bokuto, debating who would get to choose the movie.