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The first time that Yeonjun asks him the lingering question in his mind, they were nothing but children that played out in the garden.
Yeonjun was eleven years old and Soobin was ten years old. The older boy had always prided himself in playing the role of someone that Soobin could confide in and also the little fact that he was still taller compared to him. They grew up side by side because their families were neighbors and Yeonjun had always been a little too fond of the child with dark eyes and quiet aura.
He liked him — he really did.
Despite Soobin being quiet, he was patient enough to entertain Yeonjun's questions, knowing that he would be so persistent that he wouldn't stop talking to him about it. Not that Soobin would have minded; he liked how close they were at that moment and Yeonjun seemed to take this opportunity every single time.
It first happened when they were laying under the shade of the tree in Soobin's garden, their bodies pressed against each other. The sunlight slipped through the leaves and despite the swiveling heat, Yeonjun found himself curling up close to the younger boy.
"Hey, Soobin?"
"Yeah?" He was drifting through the pages of his book, eyes flickering to every word written. But even when his attention was pinned on the story unraveling right before him, he subconsciously found himself listening to what Yeonjun had to say to him.
"Do you ever want to get married?"
The silence stretched between them before Soobin spoke up, "To who?"
"To anyone!" It was easy for Yeonjun to say these things. He was curious and when it comes to him indulging himself in his curiosity, his questions wouldn't stop spilling from his lips. And right at that moment, he had dived into his anticipation for Soobin's answer.
A breathy laugh escaped past Soobin's lips, fingers drifting to another page. When he spoke, there was a lilt of amusement etched in his voice, "Hm, no. I don't think so."
"Oh," Yeonjun paused, as if pondering over his answer, "Me too."
And that ended Yeonjun's little spontaneous burst of curiosity. He fell asleep next to Soobin that lazy afternoon, head falling on his shoulder as he snuggled against him. Soobin only glanced at him before a smile tugged on his lips. He shifted his position, just so Yeonjun wouldn't have such a hard time in laying his head against his shoulder.
As he went back to reading, the question that left Yeonjun's lips finally slipped away from their fingers.
But that didn't mean that Yeonjun would have forgotten it completely.
And this starts a series of questions that stretch itself throughout the years they spend together.
Yeonjun would never fail to ask him the question and Soobin would never fail to answer him too.
The next time that Yeonjun asked him, they were sitting in front of each other at the library. Soobin had his eyes trailed on the book in front of him yet again, carefully studying every math equation written.
Yeonjun should've done the same — studying and studying until his hand is aching from writing and rewriting his notes. But instead, he found himself staring a little too long at his best friend. The question once again lingered at the edges of his mind and he wondered if Soobin would still have the same answer as he did three years ago.
So, forgetting completely the main reason why they've headed to the library in the first place, he ended up with his feet accidentally kicking at Soobin's legs. The younger boy flinched, dropping his pen on the page of his notebook but he didn't narrow his eyes at his best friend, choosing to talk instead.
"What is it, hyung?"
"Do you ever want to get married?"
"This again?" Soobin wasn't annoyed; he was fairly amused that this question was still in Yeonjun's mind even if he already knew the answer three years ago. The younger boy's fingers curled around the pen and picked it up, dragging the tip against the paper before another laugh fell from his lips.
"To who?"
"To—" Yeonjun paused, as if reluctant before he spoke again with more conviction in his voice, "To anyone."
"Hm, the answer is still no."
Yeonjun only heaved out a sigh in reply and fell slumped in his chair. He didn't know why he felt that slight tug in his heartstrings, as if he was disappointed. He never understood his emotions and they were too much of a complicated mess so with another shake of his head, he winded up writing his notes again.
(Though he knew what Soobin's answer was, he couldn't help but wish that he would eventually change his answer.)
The third time that question lingered between them was the night of their prom.
"You're not going to prom?" Yeonjun's voice crackled through the speaker of the phone.
Soobin didn't even flinch at the question thrown to him, mindlessly picking up a tangerine from the bowl of fruits set out in the kitchen before he replied, "No. I don't really want to go to prom night. Besides, I don't have a date."
"If you needed a date, you could have asked me." Yeonjun grumbled and his words were enough to pull a laugh from Soobin's lips. Once again, there was a lilt of amusement in his tone as he trudged over his living room to settle in for a movie marathon that he planned for tonight.
"Hyung, it's okay. I know that you got asked out by a lot of people, so I don't really want to ruin your evening by letting you know about this."
"And yet, I still found out," Soobin could hear the sigh that left Yeonjun's lips through his phone. He slowly unpeeled the skin of tangerine, humming lowly before Yeonjun cut him off, "It's disappointing that you thought that you could keep something from me at this moment. I'm your best friend!"
"Not going to prom is not such a huge deal, hyung. You know that." It was the way that Soobin's voice was always so light and sweet, like he wasn't bothered by anything. Somehow, that was enough for Yeonjun to feel another harsh tug on his heartstrings, more often than he usually felt in the past.
"I'll see you tomorrow?"
Yeonjun paused, his words stuck in his throat. "Yeah," He spoke softly this time before his voice slowly became fainter, "I'll see you, Soobin."
The younger boy really thought that he would spend the evening alone that day, with peels of tangerine by the empty side next to him on the couch and his feet propped up on the coffee table. He thought that he would fall asleep watching the films play out on the television — like every other night when he wasn't buried in his work.
But his plans fell into disruption when he heard the distinct sound of the doorbell ringing. "Coming!" He called out, hurriedly putting his feet down on the hardwood floor as he stood from the couch, rushing over to the front door.
As far as Soobin knew Yeonjun, he always had been a little too impulsive. He barely gave any thoughts with his spontaneous decisions and most of the time, he endured through the consequences.
He wished that he could say that he wasn't surprised to see Yeonjun standing on the front porch with a paper bag filled to the brim with snacks that he knew that Soobin loved the most. He really thought that Yeonjun would have gone to the prom without him, taking pictures with his classmates. Have a little slow dance under the bright lights with his date because as far as Soobin knew, Yeonjun had always been a romantic at heart. He never said it out loud but he loved the little moments in life where he could live it out like the characters in films wind up doing.
But he wasn't at prom tonight — he wasn't dressed up in a suit that he bought two weeks ago. Instead, he was wearing a loose shirt and sweatpants, like he planned to stay in for tonight.
"What are you doing here?" Soobin stood there, fingers gripping the edge of the door. Yeonjun shrugged his shoulders listlessly before a smile finally curved upon his lips, his eyes bright under the porch light.
"Why? I can't stay in for a night with my best friend?"
Without asking for permission, he stepped right past Soobin and for some reason, Soobin only let him. He was confused at the older boy's actions because Yeonjun wasn't someone who would do this, especially when he had been excited for prom night to come for the past months. He even dragged Soobin out to the mall to buy a suit with his own money because really, he was that eager to spend a night under twinkling lights and loud music that drifted through the speakers.
Soobin allowed the door to fall shut, locking it before he turned to the older boy with a frown. He crossed his arms over his chest as he stood there, not moving another inch.
"Hyung."
It was the exasperated tone that left Soobin's lips that made Yeonjun stop in his tracks, glancing briefly at the other boy.
"I thought you'll be at prom tonight," He swallowed thickly, feeling the breath get stuck in his throat. Suddenly, the weight of the guilt remained in his chest and it hurt a little more than it should. "You were so excited for it and I—"
"It's fine, Soobin." The smile that lingers on Yeonjun's lips is so achingly bright. For a moment, Soobin feels the guilt slip away from his fingers as the warmth blooms in his chest.
"You're right, it's just prom," Yeonjun stepped closer and lessened the distance between them. With every step, Soobin could hear the way his heart pounded along like a steady rhythm that he memorized for such a long time.
But nothing could compare to the way his heart fell right through his ribcage when Yeonjun stood in front of him, eyes bright and his smile as sweet as it always had been.
"I'd rather spend the night with you."
Yeonjun wished that he could say that night was like any other night between them.
They've always ended up curled up against each other, laughing at the scenes that they've watched for so many times already. They always end up ripping apart the snacks, tearing off the packaging and eating too much of the junk food. Yeonjun knew that they've made a mess already but at that moment, it didn't matter to him or even to Soobin.
Right at that second, they were Yeonjun and Soobin. The best friends that stayed in together, letting the night slip from their fingers. They should have stayed together under the twinkling lights in their gymnasium and let the course of laughter and music seep through their veins as they allowed the prom night to wash over them. But none of that mattered to them — even to Yeonjun.
Because if Soobin wasn't going to be there then what was the point? He knew that he would always wind up back in Soobin's arms, their bodies laying against each other with a light laugh.
(Soobin's laughter is the one favorite sound that Yeonjun would love to listen to that night.)
Though Yeonjun had said over and over again that it didn't bother him that he didn't go to prom, Soobin knew him better than the older boy assumed. So, with little to no hesitation, he rose from the couch. Yeonjun spared him a confused glance, eyes narrowing the slightest but he didn't tell him to sit back down and enjoy the film playing out on the television screen.
When the soft background music played out, Soobin held out a hand in his direction. Despite the only lights in the living room from the television screen and the lone lamp sitting next to the couch, Yeonjun could clearly see the bright stars etched in Soobin's irises.
His breath was knocked out of his lungs because god , he didn't know that Soobin looked so beautiful. Had he always looked so ethereal like that?
"What are you doing?"
Soobin shrugged though the smile lingered on his lips. "Let's have one slow dance."
Yeonjun burst out laughing at his words and Soobin was quick to spare him a look of confusion, looking lost at that moment. He stared the hand extended to him before he arched a brow at his best friend.
"Are you really asking me to dance right now? You hate doing that though."
"I'm okay with it, as long as it's with you."
The song continued to play through the television but somehow, the way Yeonjun's heart rose to his throat and the way it pounded so loudly against his ribcage drowned out every little sound. It echoed in his ears and every thought that tugged at the corners of his mind had become a chaos.
All but one thought.
I'm okay with it, as long as it's with you.
"Okay," Yeonjun paused, letting out a shaky breath as he rose from the couch. He took Soobin's hand and it filled him with a warmth that he could have never expected to feel as Soobin laced his fingers with his. "Okay, let's dance." He echoed his response and Soobin laughed as he pulled him flushed against his body.
"I got it the first time, hyung. Don't worry."
It was an awkward fumbling of unpaced steps and bodies colliding against each other. Yeonjun was so sure that Soobin stepped on his feet too many times but he only got a mumbled apology just once. But he laughed nevertheless, feeling warm all over as he rested his body against the younger boy to let the melody guide them through the steps. It didn't matter that they were only swaying along to the music — Yeonjun's hand gripping Soobin's shoulder and Soobin's hand placed around his waist. It made him feel happy, so incredibly happy like he was on top of the clouds.
He realized how much they grew over the years; it had been years since he first asked the question to Soobin. Back when they were children, Soobin was shorter than him and looked up to him a lot. Whenever he held the younger boy, he always curled up in Yeonjun's arms like he was looking for the warmth that he always found in Yeonjun only.
Right at that moment as they swayed to the music, Yeonjun realized how much taller Soobin had gotten. He could easily fall right into his arms and feel the warmth at that second. And he did wind up doing it — he indulged himself in his little desire of feeling safe in Soobin's arms as he buried his face on his shoulder as Soobin held him a little closer this time.
The music was starting to fade away but Yeonjun couldn't find it in himself to pull away. Neither did Soobin.
"Soobin?"
"Yes, hyung?"
He took a deep breath, his fingers clutching the sleeve of Soobin's shirt. "Do you ever want to get married?"
All he received as a reply was a sweet laugh from Soobin's lips. Once again, the same question hung itself from his lips, like an echo of all their past memories.
"To who?"
It should have been a routine for him to say the same answer as he always said for the past years. But as he parted his lips, he felt the words get stuck in his throat, like an ache that dragged itself through his body.
Suddenly, he didn't want to finish the question with the words to anyone . He thought he wanted to say them but now, they're a heavy weight in his ribcage that made his heart squeeze painfully in his chest.
To me, Soobin. Would you ever want to get married to me?
But Yeonjun didn't say it. He never said those words to him. Even if he was desperate to say them out loud, he couldn't find the burst of courage through his chest.
So, as per their little tradition, he found himself whispering the same words that he echoed for years.
"To anyone."
As he broke away from Soobin's warm embrace, Yeonjun could see the flicker of light on his features. It was the way his eyes fixated on Yeonjun for a moment too long — it was a split second that made the hope burn deep within Yeonjun's chest. It was only a flicker but everything in Yeonjun was about to burst through him; it was really a matter of time.
But not now.
Not yet.
"No," Soobin took too long to reply this time. His gaze was far off, like he was deep in his thoughts as he held Yeonjun close to him yet again. "I don't think so."
And like their past memories, Yeonjun accepted it without a beat of hesitation. They held each other — Yeonjun's head against Soobin's shoulder whilst the younger boy's arms wrapped tightly around his waist.
Yeonjun realized that he wanted more than that. He wanted Soobin to say yes, I want to get married. I want to get married to you.
But Soobin would never say that to him.
(It's okay though. As long as he gets to stay by Soobin's side, it'll be okay.)
One of the last times that the question was echoed between them was the time when Soobin had alcohol running through his veins on the night of his birthday.
His cheeks were flushed and his laughter rang clearly through the walls of his house. The one place that brought so much nostalgia to Yeonjun because it was their safe place for the two of them — it had now become riddled with strangers and friends that he could no longer say the names of. But it didn't matter to him that night, because Soobin was happy.
And it made his chest ache whenever he saw how beautiful Soobin looked when he was as happy as he could ever be.
"Hey," Yeonjun reached out, fingers clutching his arm with a bright smile written across his lips. Soobin was quick to pull away from the conversation with his friends, gaze immediately falling on the older boy.
Somehow, it made the pride seep through his veins that no matter how many people would drift through Soobin's life, Soobin never made him feel like he was being replaced. He was always going to be the number one in Soobin's eyes and that alone made him feel relieved.
"Is it okay if the birthday boy will spare some alone time with me for tonight?"
Soobin didn't even hesitate to put away his bottle of soju, fingers already clasping around Yeonjun's wrist. But then, he slid his grip down to slip their fingers together in a loose hold before he tugged on his hand with a bright smile.
"Come on, let's go outside. It's too loud in here."
Yeonjun didn't say to him that whenever he could feel the warmth of Soobin's hand against his own, his heart would collapse into pieces in his ribcage. And in that moment as Soobin glanced over his shoulder with a smile so much brighter than it ever used to be, Yeonjun could feel himself falling.
He didn't know when he started falling from him. It could have been months ago. Or even years ago, when they were sitting right in front of each other in the library. That little moment when he asked the question do you ever want to get married slip by his lips and Soobin only laughed.
It was the moment when he wondered how much his heart wanted his best friend for such a long time now.
They stepped out of the house, breathing in the crisp night air hanging around. The light by the porch had long since faded and Soobin let a mumbled reply of we need to get this fixed soon.
Their doorsteps were quiet as they walked down to the front of the house, eventually standing under the night sky. The stars shone so brightly that night and Yeonjun couldn't help but admire the way they streaked across the skies like a beautiful painting. It was such a rare occurence to see the stars and the moon when they live at the side of Ansan so Yeonjun allowed the feeling of serenity to wash over him, tightly wrapping around his bones.
"Are we only going to stargaze tonight, hyung?"
Soobin's tone was lighthearted and teasing as he stumbled to take a step closer to Yeonjun. It was cold that night, seeing how the snow had fallen earlier and December was nothing but a reminder of how the year was going to end soon. Just as Yeonjun parted his lips, little snowflakes drifted from the sky, gently falling on top of their heads.
When Yeonjun casted his stare over to him, he found himself bursting into a fit of light laughter. He reached out, fingers gently brushing away the snowflakes from Soobin's strands. There was something about the way they gazed at each other that night — like an ache that settled between them.
So many unsaid words that Yeonjun couldn't help but feel his heart squeeze painfully in his chest.
"Soobin." His name fell from Yeonjun's lips and his voice was as soft and affectionate as it always had been. Never losing the same fondness that he held for Soobin because that's how it's always been for them.
Yeonjun and Soobin.
Soobin and Yeonjun.
"Can I ask you a question?"
Despite how Soobin knew him well enough that he could tell what the question was already, he still nodded his head. Another smile tugged on the corners of his lips as he stepped closer to shorten the distance between their bodies.
"Of course, hyung."
Yeonjun took a deep breath, his cheeks becoming flushed from the cold. Or at least, he liked to think that it was because of the cold and not because of the lack of distance between them. He couldn't help but step even closer, indulging himself in the very brief moment of warmth running through his veins when he felt Soobin's fingers circling around his wrist.
A little gesture that caused a thousand of emotions to burst through Yeonjun's chest.
"Do you," At that time, Yeonjun felt the words become stuck in his throat. It was more difficult to let them slip by his lips but it didn't stop him from letting the question finally spill for what seems to be the fourth time in their lives.
"Do you ever want to get married?"
The silence that stretched between them was painful, almost as if Yeonjun was waiting for a reply that was never supposed to come. An awkward laugh escaped his mouth, ready to take back his question but it all happened too fast — Soobin took a step forward and his hands felt so, so warm against Yeonjun's cold cheeks.
Everything about Soobin felt so warm.
He felt like home at that very moment.
He never said anything. Yeonjun waited for the question that usually followed his own — the lingering words of to who?
But they never come. Not when Soobin had pulled him close and dipped his head, lips crashing against his own. His heart rose to his throat and he stood there, under the snowflakes falling on top of them and Soobin's lips pressed against his. It took such a long moment before Yeonjun let his eyes fall shut, as Soobin's arms winded themselves around his waist. His fingers grazed along the younger boy's cheeks and they were warm, as warm as they could ever be.
As they stood there outside of the house, the hands of the clock ticking so close to midnight, Yeonjun found himself falling for him without a beat of hesitation.
(He didn't have to worry if Soobin would be here to catch him or not.
Because right at that second, as Soobin held him close against his own body, he knew that Soobin had already caught him since the very first time.)
The last time comes in a way that Yeonjun never would have expected years ago.
His strands are a mess and his cheek has been pressed against the sheets for far too long that when he pulled away, the marks were evident on his skin. He knows that he always had a good sleep whenever that happened but it's three in the morning; it's a little too early to be awake right now.
"Soobin," He quietly speaks, voice coming out rough around the edges. Reaching out, he lets their fingers intertwine and gently runs his thumb across his knuckles before a faint smile is drawn on his lips.
"Are you awake?"
As the question is spoken out loud, Soobin rouses from his sleep and stares at Yeonjun through squinted eyes. It's obvious that he was deep in his sleep a moment ago, shaken right out of his dream as he shifted his position to face Yeonjun.
"Hm, hyung," His voice is still drowsy, edging close to falling asleep again. He lets his tired gaze fall on Yeonjun with a slight smile curving upon his lips. "What's wrong?" Soobin reaches out, fingers gently brushing away his strands so he can see Yeonjun's features better. The little touch leaves Yeonjun craving for more as he inches closer, laying against his body comfortably.
Still, he finds himself saying the question that he had been saying for years.
"Soobin, do you ever want to get married?"
All he received is a light laugh from the younger male, burying his face against the junction between Yeonjun's neck and shoulder with a soft sigh. "What are you saying, hyung? We've been married for two years already."
"Fine," Yeonjun sulks, arms winding around his husband's figure to snuggle closer, "Let's say that it's our next lives already. Do you ever want to get married, Choi Soobin?"
The mentioned boy gently tears away from the embrace, his fingers gently dragging against the curve of his skin before a sweet smile appears on his lips. As he leans in, he lets their lips brush the slightest as he leaves a lingering kiss on Yeonjun's lips before pulling back.
"Of course," His voice is soft and his words are enough to have a harsh tug on his heartstrings. Once again, Yeonjun is filled with a warmth that he could only find in Soobin — it takes him back to his memories of being children, growing up side by side and falling in love right in between.
And now, the answer that Yeonjun has longed to hear for years echoes in the spaces of their bedroom.
He thinks that the wait is more worth it than he could ever have expected.
"As long as it's you. As long as I marry you in the end, everything would be all right for me."
(Yeonjun finds himself snuggling into Soobin's arms, falling asleep not even ten minutes later. Soobin elicits a laugh, feeling nostalgic at the memory of Yeonjun falling asleep next to him when they were still children.
As he holds him closer than ever, there's only one thought that resonates deep within him.
Soobin has finally found his home.
His home for the past years.
And for all the years to come.)