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Fox stares out at the glittering Coruscanti skyline in silent awe. There aren't any visible stares with all of the light pollution, but it's enough to know that they're out there. The barracks don’t have a view like this, unless you consider empty speeder lots and dumpsters particularly beautiful. He glances over his shoulder at Quinlan, who’s tangled up in his sheets and snoring gracelessly. Fox feels a burst of fondness at the sight. Yes, coming back to the Temple was a terrible idea, much too risky if they wanted to keep their relationship on a need-to-know basis, but at least it was fun.
Well, until the nightmare. He’s just glad he didn’t wake Quinlan up with his panicked thrashing. Fox turns back to the window.
Geonosis was over a year ago. He really has no business dreaming about it still. It’s not like it’s all he dreams about, he’s had plenty of… intense moments serving as Commander of the Guard to choose from, but nothing as bad as then. It was his only battle, and he’s stuck reliving it, and he hates it. He hates that Geonosis stole both his battalion, and his purpose. Being the last man standing and showing ‘great valor’ landed him a desk job in the capital, and robbed him of any chance of serving alongside his batchers on the front lines.
Not that he had any batchmates left.
“Fox?” Quinlan asks, and Fox sighs. He was probably thinking too loud again.
“Yes, cyare?” Fox asks, turning and looking at his lover in the dim light. Quinlan sits up and flicks the bedside lamp on, making Fox wince at the brightness. His jetii has that little crease between his eyes that he gets when concerned.
“Come back to bed.”
Fox slinks off of the window nook and clambers back into bed next to the Jedi. Quinlan studies him as they sit next to each other.
“Are you alright?” Quinlan asks, taking Fox’s hand and lacing their fingers together. Fox sighs and rests his head on Quinlan’s shoulder. It had taken him a while to get used to showing and receiving physical affection from anyone who wasn’t a brother, but eventually he took to it like a pelikki to water.
“...No,” he admits. “I… have I ever told you how I got the scar on my back?” he asks, wanting to be honest with Quinlan. As his best friend, he really should have told him months ago, but the thought terrified him.
“The big one? No.”
Fox takes a breath, and Quinlan squeezes his hand.
“Geonosis. Were you there?” Fox asks, curious. The topic had only come up once before between them, and Fox had quickly shut that down.
“No, I was on assignment,” Quinlan replies. Fox nods.
“Good. It was a karking bloodbath,” he says.
“Fox, you don’t have to-” Quinlan starts, ever the gentleman.
“No, no. I want to talk about it. It… it was my only battle, but it still messed me up. We were in the caves, trying to pin down some of the bugs. It was a trap. They started dragging us away, men were… screaming, dying. It was awful. Then they blew up the cave system we were in. I caught shrapnel in the shoulder, but I got out lucky. My squad, our company, the entire fucking battalion was all either killed in the collapse, or picked off one-by-one while they were dying,” Fox says, that familiar tightness in his chest causing him to have to pause. Quinlan throws an arm around him and draws him close, and Fox leans into the warmth. He takes a minute to calm himself.
“We weren’t the only ones in the caves. There were some Jedi - I came across three padawans whose masters had been killed. All of them were injured. I carried one on my back, one in my arms, and helped the other one walk. I still don’t know how I managed, all flayed up like that. I… don’t even remember their names to be honest. It’s mostly a blur. We got out of the caves right near where a gunship was, made it out by the skin of our teeth.
“I collapsed when we got there, but apparently I made quite the impression. I got promoted. And they took me from the front lines, and stuck me in a desk job as a reward,” Fox says, still unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. Quinlan holds him tighter, and Fox lets himself savor the feeling of being held, of being protected and safe in his lover’s arms.
“So I try and keep the peace. I do the Senate Guard’s jobs for them, I do the Coruscant PD’s jobs for them, and I try and keep my boys from slipping up. I was meant for war, and all I am is a glorified paper pusher who occasionally catches criminals,” Fox tells him, and he’s tired all of a sudden. Tired of what his life has become, of who he’s turned into over the course of the last year. Sometimes, when he looks in the mirror, he doesn’t recognize the man staring back.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I… I wish I could do something to fix it, but-” Quinlan starts, but Fox shakes his head and sits up straight to look Quinlan in his eyes.
“You already are. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and if I didn’t have this job, I would have never met you. You and the vode… you make it all worth it,” he says, and Quinlan leans in and captures his mouth in a gentle kiss.
It feels like home.
When they part, Quinlan has that fond, lovestruck look in his eyes he gets whenever he’s being a sap, and Quinlan caresses Fox’s face like he’s precious, like he’s something that can break, and Fox is in love.
“I love you,” he tells him for the first time, and the way that his face lights up makes it worth it.
“I love you too,” Quinlan replies, and kisses the tip of Fox’s nose, making him blush furiously. Quinlan lays back on the bed, drawing Fox down with him. Fox places his head on Quinlan’s chest, listening to the thump of his heartbeat as Quinlan holds him close. They fall asleep together, tangled up so close they’re almost one being, and Fox sleeps through the night, safe in his Jetii’s arms.