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When Henry gets home from work, he wants nothing more than to relax with Alex for the night. They've got one of their biweekly cooking lessons planned if Alex doesn't have too much work to do, and hopefully, they'll have time after that to just relax together. David greets him at the door, and Henry rubs his ears a bit before going up to their shared office to drop his bag off and say hi to Alex. He's just opened the door a bit when he hears Alex's voice. When he peeks through the crack in the door, Alex is on the phone, leaning back in his desk chair.
"Yeah, I mean, I'd like to, but I'll have to talk to Henry. I'm not... we haven't really talked about it yet, and I can see it being hard for him... exactly. So I don't want to do anything to make it harder for him. I don't know if he'll need me or want me here, but I'll see... sounds good. I'll talk to him."
Henry pulls the door to the office shut. Now isn't the time to bother Alex, and he tries to convince himself he only thinks that because Alex is on the phone. He leaves his bag in their bedroom instead, leaving his tie there, too, as he goes to feed David. David follows him, whining slightly, and when Henry bends down to feed him, David all but climbs into his lap. Henry sighs.
"I'm okay. You're a good boy, but you don't need to worry about me. I'm okay." David whines again, and Henry nods. "I know. But whatever it is, Alex will tell us when he's ready. He said he'd talk to us, and he... he wouldn't let me stop him from doing something he wants. Once he wants something, he just goes for it, so we don't have to worry, okay?"
Except that, maybe, Alex would let Henry stop him from doing something he wants to do. He'd only picked NYU for law school because Henry was going to be in Brooklyn. He could have gone anywhere, and maybe he would have liked it better somewhere else. Instead of even looking other places, Alex had changed his whole life plan and ignored everything to be able to live close to Henry. If he'd let something as simple as Henry's presence change that much of his life, Henry has no idea what else Alex would sacrifice for them, and the realization scares him. Maybe he's already given up big things so he can stay close to Henry, or because he thinks it's something Henry wouldn't like. Maybe, if it weren't for Henry holding him back, Alex would be happier or more successful.
He's still trying to think that through as he finishes feeding David, and he's watching to make sure David doesn't eat too fast and make himself sick when he hears Alex coming down the stairs. A moment later, arms wrap around his waist and pull him in for a hug, and Alex leans up to kiss his cheek.
"I didn't realize you were home."
"I got in a bit ago. You were on the phone."
Alex's arms tighten a bit, and he asks, "everything alright? You'd normally say hi, at least, or make sure I know you're here."
"It's fine. How was class?"
"Okay, see, that's how I know it's not fine. When you're actually okay, you'll say you're okay, or that nothing's wrong, or something like that. You don't just change the subject. You... you can talk to me, you know that, right? Baby?" Henry closes his eyes and takes a breath, his hands moving to rest on Alex's arms.
"I know. It's okay, really. Let's... let's just focus on dinner, alright? If you have time tonight?"
Alex turns him around to study him for a minute, then nods. He looks concerned, but he lets it slide, going to get their aprons and focusing on Henry's cooking lesson. They're making tacos today, and it should be easy enough, but Alex is insisting they make their own seasoning blend and their own tortillas, which add a layer of complexity that Henry wasn't quite expecting. Still, it's nice to have something else to focus on, and even if he keeps sneaking worried glances, Henry is thankful that Alex hasn't asked anything more about what's wrong. It gives him until he's at the stove, focused on browning taco meat, to ask "you... you wouldn't let me hold you back from anything, would you? If there was something you wanted, or somewhere else you wish you could be. You wouldn't let me stop you?"
"You're not holding me back, Henry. If anything, you're pushing me to be better."
"But if there was something you wanted, you... you'd do it, right? You wouldn't let me stop you?"
"What's this about?" Alex asks gently. He's at Henry's side, cooking tortillas, but Henry keeps his eyes trained on the meat.
"I... I overheard a bit of your phone call. You said you wanted to do something, but you'd have to talk to me first. If you want to do it, you should; it doesn't make sense to wait for me to tell you that. I love you, and I want you to do things that make you happy no matter what."
It takes a second, then Alex pulls Henry closer and wraps an arm around him, hooking his chin on Henry's shoulder. "That was a phone call about lunch plans. I don't want to make plans on a day you might need me. Not that you need me or anything; you're a strong independent prince who don't need no man. But, you know. I wanted to be around if you want me here."
Henry just hums, and Alex leans over to flip a tortilla, though he keeps his arm around Henry's waist. "But if you really wanted something, you'd tell me? You wouldn't let me stop you, or tie you down or anything?"
"Of course I'd tell you, and if it took me away from you, we'd make it work. We did distance for over a year, and it sucked, but it worked. I don't want to do it again, not ever, but, you know. We could, if we had to." Henry nods, and Alex hesitates for a moment, then says, "if you wanted something, you'd do it, too, right? You uprooted your whole life for me; if anyone's worried about something like this it should be me."
"Alex, I... I think I would have moved here even without you. You were the push I needed, but moving away from Pip and Gran and all that is the best thing I've done since I kissed you."
"Are you telling me you didn't move across the globe just to be closer to me? You didn't base your life-changing decision purely on the fact that it would make it easier to see my ass? I'm shocked, I'm upset, I need three to five days to process this. But hey, it looks like the meat's done, let's get it in a bowl and we can keep going from there, okay?"
Henry agrees, and they finish up, and dinner is considerably lighter than it could have been. It's not until they're cuddled under a blanket on the couch, Henry held safely under Alex's arm while he scrolls though Netflix, that he thinks to ask who Alex was talking to.
"Oh, just my dad. We... he thought maybe, if on Father's Day you're doing something like what you did when you brought moms to the youth shelter for Mother's Day, he could come up for the day. June and I make fun of him for being like... the most stereotypical dad, so he thought maybe he could hang out there for a while and just, you know. Make dad noises, tell bad jokes, listen to old music. That kind of thing." They'd also talked about Oscar coming over to make dinner to celebrate, but Alex isn't sure how Henry would feel about that. British and American father's days are the same, and it feels wrong to celebrate if Henry's going to need to take the day to grieve.
"I'd like that," Henry says, pulling Alex back into their conversation about plans, "is there anything you usually do for Father's Day that you want to do?"
"Well, the past few years, June and I would get breakfast or brunch with Leo, then I cook dinner with my dad and June hangs out. So he... Dad offered to bring steaks and corn on the cob and we could make dinner here, but we don't have to. What... what about you? Is there anything you want to do that day?"
Henry sighs, picking a bit of fluff off the blanket and flicking it away before he answers. "I... I hadn't really thought about it. We visited his grave the first year, but that felt wrong. Then I just tried to ignore it for a year, just pretend it was any other day, but that... that felt wrong, too. And it's sort of impossible to ignore. Bea and I watched some movies we were on set for last year, and that was nice We all have movies where he snuck us into costume and into a shot or two, so we watched those and some home videos. We'd pause them and share stories about what we remembered from being there, or what we missed about him. But I... I don't really know if we're planning on anything happening this year."
"Alright. Well, whatever you need, I'm here, okay? I... you don't have to make a decision now, but when you do, I'll support whatever you want. Promise."
"What about your dad? I want you two to have a good day, too."
"My dad gets it. I can make dinner with him another day if I need to."
Henry smiles, leaning over to kiss the slight stubble on Alex’s cheek. “How did I get lucky enough to have you?”
“I ask myself the same thing every morning,” Alex says, smiling. He plays with Henry's hair for a moment before adding “just let me know what you need that day, and we’ll do it. Even if it’s different the morning of, or halfway through, or anything. Dad and I get it, and we love you.”
“I... I’ll let you know. Thank you, Alex, truly. It means a lot to know that you..." Henry struggles to find the words for everything he appreciates about Alex, but there aren't enough words in English or French for everything he's feeling. "Just... thank you for being... you know.”
“I think so,” Alex says, laughing a bit. He kisses Henry's forehead, and Henry just smiles as he leans his head on Alex’s shoulder with a yawn. Alex pulls him closer as they find a show, and Henry is overwhelmingly thankful for him, and his dad, and the opportunity to think things over before he decides on plans for Father's Day.
--
What he decides is that they'll do a Father's Day celebration at the youth shelter, and then Oscar will come over for dinner afterwards, and he'll be fine. He'll call Bea in London that afternoon, and then he and the Diazes will go to the brownstone to cook dinner together. He'll join Alex and Oscar's tradition, and they'll be happy to have him, and he won't have any problems with it. Alex teaches him to grill corn the week before so that he can make elote, and Oscar buys plane tickets, and everything is set. Alex is excited, and Oscar is excited, and if Henry's a little less excited than they are, it's just because he's not quite sure what to expect. Still, even if he's not thrilled, he is looking forward to it.
Except that, when Father's Day comes, Henry doesn't want to do anything. He'd thought he'd be okay, he really had, but then a tweet about how much Pez loves his dad is the first thing he sees when he opens Twitter, and all of a sudden Henry misses his dad so much it physically hurts. All he wants to do is cry, or maybe spend the day in bed with David and Alex, but he can't. He can't disappoint everyone who's expecting things from him, not today, so he kisses Alex's forehead and gets up to build a prince around his grief, burying it in pomade and Burberry and a perfect press face. Alex comes in just as Henry's about to start shaving, pressing a kiss to the stubble on Henry's chin before it disappears for the day.
"Good morning," Henry says. His smile is real as Alex's arms wrap around his waist, even if it is a bit smaller than it would normally be.
"Good morning. How are you doing? Feel okay about today?"
Henry could tell him. He could say something, and Alex would abandon his plans in a heartbeat. But they're plans Alex is excited for, plans he wants to do with people he loves, so Henry nods. "I feel good. I'm excited to see your dad."
"Me too. What time is it?"
"His plane lands in half an hour; we should head to the shelter soon if we want to beat him there."
Alex just hums, planting another kiss on Henry's stubbly cheek. Half of Henry's face is coated in shaving cream by now, but until Alex stops rubbing on it like a kitten, his other half will stay stubbly.
He's shaved the free half of his face and finished with his hair before Alex moves away to start getting ready himself, and Henry finishes shaving and goes downstairs to heat water for coffee and tea. Alex joins him not too long later, and Henry, who's given himself a few moments to text Bea and let himself be sad between starting the water and feeding David, greets Alex with a thermos of coffee just the way he likes it. Alex thanks him with a kiss, and they take their drinks to go, Alex driving to the shelter and occasionally glancing over to make sure Henry is doing alright. Henry smiles every time, eventually convincing Alex not to worry enough that Alex just grins and talks about how much the kids at the shelter will like his dad.
Oscar arrives only a few minutes after they do, greeting them both with big smiles and bigger hugs. He calls Henry "mijo", and while Henry normally loves that, today it feels like twisting a knife. He just smiles, leaving Alex and his dad to catch up while he goes inside to greet other dads who've volunteered their Father's Days to help kids who might be missing parents.
He thanks them for coming, and he wonders how many of them know about his dad. How many of them know that he's grieving today, and can any of them see it on his face? Will any of them bring it up? They've got a pancake station set up, and as he leads the pancake flippers to their griddles, he wonders if any of them have lost their own dads or children. Maybe, if they're in the same boat he or the kids at the shelter are in, this will help them. He hopes so. There are grills set up in the back, so he leads the dads who know how to grill to the back yard, where they've got grills and backyard games set up. Then it's back inside to greet the kids who've come to breakfast, wondering how many of them know about his dad.
Oscar is sitting with Alex and a group of kids, at a table full of smiles and laughter. Alex moves over on the bench and grabs Henry's hand as he passes, clearly expecting Henry to sit down, but Henry just leans down to kiss him before moving on. If he spends too much time there, Alex will know something's wrong. So he finds a different table, with a dad who seems completely different from his own, and he laughs with those kids and that dad, playing board games when they finish their pancakes. He keeps seeing Alex and Oscar in passing, and he doesn't let it become obvious that he's avoiding them, just tells Alex something about wanting to spread out to not pick favorites as he finds another table to join. Hopefully, Alex doesn't realize he's never worried about that in the past.
After lunch, Henry slips out of the main rooms and goes to his office to call Bea. The knot of sadness in his gut has been steadily growing, twisting and turning and pulling more and more of him into it as it threatens to overwhelm him. And it hurts. He misses his dad so much his whole body aches with it. Bea and his mum are together, and he video calls them, and they laugh and cry and share stories about his dad for so long he has to plug his phone in. They're both proud of what he's doing today, and his mum says that his dad would be proud, too. She tells them both how proud he'd be, and how much he loved them both, and them Philip joins the call and they get to mourn with him, too. For the first time all day, Henry lets himself miss his dad. He lets himself feel sad, even for a few minutes, and it helps. There's still a twisted knot of pain and loneliness that he's hiding, but it's not as all-consuming as it was.
Eventually, it's late enough in England that his mom is going to bed, so they end the call and Henry is left alone in a quiet office.
He can't go back to the party. He doesn't have it in him to pretend to be happy and put together anymore, not without more time to process everything. So, instead, he takes out a piece of paper and a pen to write a letter.
Happy Father's Day, Dad
I’m spending it with some of the kids at a youth shelter I’ve opened in Brooklyn, New York. It’s... it’s a bit bizarre, really, how different things are now from when you left, but I think you’d be proud. If you were still here, maybe you’d come visit today. Alex’s dad is here, and the kids love him a lot. I think you’d like him, too. You’d probably give Gran a heart attack if you spent too long together, but she has it coming you’d have fun. Maybe if you were still here, you’d be here in Brooklyn with us today, stepping in as a dad for kids who need one. You’d be good at it. You’d have your guitar, and you’d somehow know every song they asked for. Maybe you’d do a duet with Oscar, and you’d make them all so happy. But you’d be there for quieter moments, too, to tell kids who were lonely or sad that you love them. You'd find every kid hiding in a corner or who was upset, and you'd help comfort them, just like you did for us growing up when everything got to be too much. Maybe you’d be a pen pal dad for some of them, writing in to keep up with their lives and love them. They’d like that a lot, I know it.
We're planning on going home-- Alex's and my home, I wish you could see it-- soon. Alex and his dad always make dinner together on Father's Day, so we're doing that. He's been teaching me to cook so I can help them, and I'm not as bad as I thought I would be.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you so much. So, so, so, so, so much. I wish you'd gotten to meet Alex. I wish you could have met Oscar, or seen the life we've made here. I wish you could meet Martha, and see how amazing and tough Bea is, or all the good things Mum's doing. I wish... I wish I'd told you. About me. I'm gay, dad. I know I've written it before, but I never told you out loud, and I wish I had. I'm sorry I didn't. I should have said something, but I was scared. I don't know why; you wouldn't have cared. You loved me, right?. You loved me. You would have loved me no matter what.
I hate writing about you in the past tense. You love me. You're... somewhere. I don't know what I believe, but I want to believe you're somewhere, still loving and looking after me. I want to believe you've seen Alex, and you know him some, at least. Oscar's Catholic, and I don't know everything about how that works, but it means he believes in an afterlife. Maybe he can get a message to you or something.
I love you. And you love me. Whey you were here, you said it was past, present, and future, so it's still true. You're somewhere, and you love me, and you always will.
I have to go; we're heading home soon so Alex and Oscar have time to cook, and I have to put a game face back on so I don't ruin their day. I love you. I miss you. Happy Father's Day.
-- H
He folds the letter, then seals it in an envelope, then just stares at it for a long moment. Mailing it feels stupid, and he's not sure where he'd even mail it to, but he's not sure what feels right. Eventually, he reaches for the candle on his desk and dips the corner of the envelope in, watching it catch fire and slowly start to burn. They'd cremated his dad, maybe by doing the same to the letter he can get it where it needs to go.
When the letter's gone, Henry straightens his tie in the mirror and puts on his best press face, the one not even Alex can see through sometimes. He takes all the emotions he's let himself feel for the past couple hours and twists them into the tightest ball he can. If it unravels him a bit, leaving him frayed at the edges, well, at least all of the pain is in one place instead of being woven into the fabric of his being. Then, he takes that twisting knot of pain and shoves it into the deepest, darkest hole he can, down into the pit of his stomach where he can ignore it as it slowly pulls him apart and makes a home in his gut. They're having dinner with Oscar before he takes a late flight back to DC, which means Henry has to keep it together for another few hours at least before he can curl up in a ball in bed and feel all the emotions he's spent the day burying. He tries not to think about what Alex will say when he does retreat to their bedroom, because he knows it will just give him more emotions to twist up and bury, and the pit where he's been putting everything is already getting dangerously full. He's not sure how many more bits of himself he can pull away before he falls apart completely, but hopefully, there's enough of him left to make it through the night.
He rejoins the party, smiling at and helping kids and doing his best to ignore the dads. He's looking for Alex when he finds one of the kids instead, curled up in a corner. Henry sits down next to him carefully, and says, "can I help?"
"I... I just want my dad back. I don't want someone to try and pretend; I know some kids need that but I... my dad loved me. It only got bad at home after he died, so I don't want people trying to replace him, I just... I want him back."
"I'm sorry. I... I know how you feel, at least a bit; my dad died, too. It can make Father’s Day hard.”
“What do you do?”
“I just... when it gets to be a lot, I let myself feel it,” Henry lies. The mass of repressed feelings somewhere in his gut twists. “I wrote him a letter earlier, just to have written it. It didn’t bring him back, but it felt good to spend time with him and tell him things.”
“Does it... does it get easier after a while? Do you miss him less?” The kid asks. His eyes are so big, and Henry swallows.
“Yes and no. Parts of it get easier, and it’s... it’s not so consuming, but it’s never gone. You always miss him, and there are always bad days and hard days. I never plan anything on my dad’s birthday because I know it’s a hard day. But it's... there are good days, too. There are times when my sister and I just talk and laugh about him, and it doesn't feel sad anymore. It doesn't feel sad to remember him, at least not all the time. So I... I guess you just sort of learn to navigate it and find ways to celebrate and ways to grieve. I’m sorry I can’t promise it stops hurting.”
“It’s okay. It... I think, if it went away totally, I... I’d feel bad. I think I’d feel like I’m forgetting him if I wasn’t sad. But it... sometimes it’s okay to be sad, I think. Like in Lord of the Rings, when Frodo has to leave and Gandalf says that crying isn’t always bad. Sometimes, if we’re sad, it’s because we lost something important or good, and then it’s okay to be sad.”
“Exactly,” Henry says, shoving his own sadness deeper as it threatens to explode. “Sadness has a place and a role, just like everything else. It helps us remember and process things.”
The kid next to him nods, then says “thank you for sitting with me. It felt good to talk. I know there’s a therapist I could talk to, but that... that feels like a big deal. It was nice to just talk to someone like it’s normal.”
Henry smiles, then says, “Want to come out for the barbecue, or would you rather I bring something in?”
“I’ll come. My dad couldn’t grill, so it’s... it feels different.”
“Okay,” Henry says. He helps them up, and the kid smiles, and Henry puts on his best press face as they head toward the fleet of grills and he looks for Alex and Oscar.
He finds them looking for him, and they slip out of the party to head home. Falling behind a bit, Henry can see just how happy Alex and his dad are, and it's so overwhelmingly clear they're related. Henry has no place in this Diaz world of expressive hands and roaring laughter, not with the knot of feelings he's been burying or the quiet letters and phone calls he's been using to get through the day. He slips into the back of the car, insisting Alex and Oscar take the front, and he leans his face on the window and squishes all his feelings down.
He won't cry.
He will not cry, no matter how much he misses his dad.
He misses his dad so, so, so much.
Alex's hand lands on his knee, and Henry processes that he's said something about Oscar staying for dinner, and Henry agrees that it sounds great. He wants nothing less, but it will make Alex happy, so he'll push down the part of him that wants to cry and he'll be a good boyfriend. Even if every moment between them adds to the knot in his gut, and even if every time Oscar calls him "mijo" he wants to scream, he'll smile and laugh and let Alex be happy.
At the house, David comes straight to Henry and refuses to even go out until Henry picks him up. He immediately starts licking Henry's face as Henry carries him outside, and he barely moves away to go to the bathroom before he's back to whining at Henry's leg. Henry just sighs, settling for sitting on the ground and letting David climb into his lap.
"Hi, boy. I'm okay. You.. you don't need to worry." David doesn't seem at all ready to listen, just to curl up on Henry and lick at his hands and face. That's how Oscar finds them eventually, Henry trapped under David and trying to process things as Oscar sits down beside him, reaching over to rub David's ears. Henry, who's started to let his emotions out again, slams them back down with the force of a meteor crashing to earth.
"That was a good thing you did for those kids today. I can't imagine what you're going through, but just... just know I'm here if you need me, alright, mijo?"
At that 'mijo', Henry feels the knot in his stomach twist as his last thread of composure gets sucked into the yawning pit that's taken over the inside of his being. He stands up so quickly that David has to scramble to get his legs under him. Henry knows that he says something, some empty, meaningless platitude that hopefully excuses his abrupt exit, then he's inside, ignoring David's cries and Alex saying something in the kitchen as he goes to curl up on their bed, barely remembering to close the door as hot tears spill onto his cheeks. He can barely hear David whining outside, but he's pretty sure whatever excuse he gave Oscar wouldn't justify kidnapping David, so he ignores him in favor of curling up on the bed, hugging a pillow to his chest as all the loneliness and pain of the past day overflows.
He misses his dad.
He's lonely, and he's sad, and there's a twisting in his gut that feels suspiciously like guilt. Guilt for trying to be happy today, guilt for acting like he could forget his dad. Guilt for letting Oscar call him 'mijo' all this time. Guilt for leaving Oscar outside when this isn't really his fault.
He doesn't hear the door open, but somehow David is there, snuggling into the space between Henry's knees and his chest and licking at Henry's tears. Henry hugs him, sobbing, and his sobs renew when he feels Alex's arms wrap around him, pulling him in close.
"I'm... I'm sorry," Henry manages. "You... you should... should be with your dad."
Alex just shushes him, pulling him closer and rubbing his back. "It's okay. We'll cook together another time; he had to take a call anyway. I'm sorry I didn't notice you were hurting. I... it's going to be okay. I love you. I love you, and your dad did, too."
That gets another sob out of Henry, and Alex just rubs his back gently, keeping him close. Slowly, Henry's tears die, replaced by quiet hiccups as he curls in on himself more. He tries to move away from Alex, to let Alex get back to his dad and his happiness, but Alex moves with him.
"You... you don't... your dad. I... can you tell him I'm sorry? I... I can't... I can't do the rest of today, but can you... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. If... if I could I'd help with dinner, and we'd have fun, but I... I can't. And I think I might have yelled at your dad, so now that I'm okay and you can go back, can you tell him I'm sorry?"
"H, I'm not going anywhere."
"But your dad. You... he's here to see you; it's Father's Day. You should spend it together." He's still got his face buried in a combination of a pillow and David's fur, so he's not sure what Alex's face is doing. He's almost afraid to check. Alex should leave; he should go back to join his dad and not let Henry ruin their night. He's ruined so many things for so many people; he doesn't want to ruin this, too.
There's a hand in his hair, gently tugging his face out as it plays, but he just curls in tighter around David. He's not going to ruin Father's Day for Alex and Oscar.
“Baby, I... I thought we agreed you’d talk to me today. I thought you were going to tell me how you feel; my dad and I both knew things could change. We planned for them to change if you needed. Either one of us is happy to do anything you need, just... just please don’t shut me out? I... I love you.”
Henry’d thought he was done crying, but at ‘baby’, another sob claws its way up his throat. Alex pulls him closer, and Henry says, so softly he’s not sure Alex can hear, “I miss him.”
Alex's hug gets impossibly tighter. "I know. I'm sorry he's gone. I'm sorry I can't do anything to bring him back. I love you."
Henry just cries more. He's not sure how long it takes for him to uncurl from his little ball, but when he does, he's pulled closer to Alex immediately, and any space between them that's not occupied by David disappears immediately. Alex plays with his hair and presses kisses to whatever skin he can find while Henry cries off and on, just missing his dad.
"I'm... I'm scared I'm forgetting him. That I... I don't remember his hugs, or the way he smelled, or... or so many other things. This place... my whole life is so different from what he knew, and I'm... I'm losing him."
Alex pulls him closer, somehow, and Henry cries. He wants to grab Alex’s shirt, to keep him here, but he’s already doing so much to ruin Alex’s day he doesn’t want to make it worse. So he keeps his hands down, so Alex can leave whenever he wants. If he leaves Henry curled up on the bed to cry, well, that's not the end of the world.
"I'm... I'm sorry. Do you... would it help to tell me about him? You don't have to, but would it help?" Alex asks, and Henry freezes. He's not sure. He'd talked with his family, and that had helped, but Alex... hasn’t he ruined enough for Alex today? Alex doesn’t need Henry’s sad memories or his guilt on top of everything else.
But Henry does want to talk. He wants to talk about his dad, wants someone else to understand. So he says, “I... I don’t want to make you sad. I’ve... I already ruined your day; I don’t... I’ll just make it worse. You should go be with your dad.”
“You didn’t ruin anything. If you want to tell me about your dad, I want to hear about him.”
So Henry does. He starts slowly, talking about things like movie sets and public appearances that Alex probably already knows, but it's not long before he's getting deeper. He tells stories of his dad sneaking them out at night to look at the stars or get ice cream. Stories of his dad looking after him when he was sick, or staying home when the kids were uncomfortable going to an event, and it never felt like a chore for him. He was what got them out of things they didn't want to do as kids; as a non-royal he could avoid things more easily than their mom. Henry talks and talks, telling stories to Alex's chest and David's back until he finds the courage to talk to Alex's face. When he finally does look up, Alex's eyes are watery, and there's so much sweetness on his face Henry almost can't bear it. Then he notices tears on Alex's cheeks, and he stops in the middle of a story to reach up and brush them away.
"You... I'm okay. You don't need to cry; I'm fine."
"I know. You're so tough. It just... it hurts to know you've been upset today, and you've had all this buried inside you, but I missed it. It's scary. I... I just want to be here for you, okay? Whatever you need." He takes Henry's hand in his, pressing a kiss to each of his knuckles and Henry wipes a tear from Alex's cheek. "I love you."
"I'm sorry you had to--"
"Hey, no. I didn't have to do anything. I wanted to come look after you. I... I wouldn't leave you alone. Not on a day like this."
"Still. I'm sorry I couldn't do everything we planned. I wanted to, I did, I just... I woke up this morning and just missed him so much, and it all... it felt like I was cheating, somehow, or I was moving on and forgetting him. I'm sorry. I thought I'd be okay, I really did."
"It's okay. I... I don't understand, exactly, but I know feelings are complicated and hard. I'm sorry I didn't pay attention. I... I should have known something was wrong."
"It's not your fault; I've been avoiding you all day. I didn't want you to know."
"Still. I'm sorry. If you get to be sorry you were hurting, I get to be sorry I didn't notice."
Henry's quiet a moment, and Alex uses that quiet to brush a few tears from Henry's cheeks. Henry turns to press a kiss to the inside of his wrist, then says, "I love you. Thank you."
"I love you, too. And I'm here for anything you need, okay?"
Henry nods, and Alex presses a gentle kiss to his forehead. "I'm going to get some water and some dinner, okay? If... if you want to come, we can cuddle on the couch, but otherwise I can bring things up and we can stay here."
"What... what about your dad?"
"He was going to see if Nora was free, or if Cash wanted to go somewhere together."
"If... if he wants, we... maybe we could still do dinner? I know it's probably too late to cook, but he... he came all this way." He can hear how small his voice sounds, and he hates it. Alex just studies him for a minute, then nods.
"I'll see what he's doing. We could order pizza and play some card games or something? Maybe, if you want, Shaan and Zahra could join us? I think she came up with Dad so they could spend the day together."
Henry smiles, and the face Alex makes is so loving he's nearly speechless with the force of it. "I was just thinking I should thank Shaan for everything he's done. Before you, he would have been the one to help like this. I... if your dad's still here, I think having them all would be fun. I bet Zahra's great at poker."
"Oh man; I am the worst at poker. You'd have to be on my team and help me," Alex says. He's smiling, and even if the room still feels a bit heavy, it's better than it was. They go downstairs together, and they find Oscar on the phone, though he ends the call as soon as he sees them.
"Henry, I am so, so sorry. I never meant--"
"It's okay. It... it wasn't you, it was just... I missed my dad a lot today. Way more than I thought I would. I'm sorry I snapped."
"Forgiven and forgotten," Oscar says. He looks almost hesitant, but he opens his arms, and when Henry hugs him, Oscar hugs back tightly.
"I... I do like it when you call me 'mijo'," Henry says. "Just... it was just a lot today."
"I love you. I'm sorry."
"Forgiven and forgotten." Henry smiles when he pulls out of the hug, and Oscar pats his back a few times. Alex explains their plans, and Oscar agrees that pizza and games sound good, so Henry texts Shaan while Alex orders pizza. Shaan and Zahra come, and they rope Cash into their games so they can play in pairs. When Oscar has to leave a few hours later, he leaves behind smiling boys and a stack of empty pizza boxes. They wave goodbye to him and Zahra from the stoop. When they're out of sight, Alex kisses Henry's cheek and goes inside, leaving Henry and Shaan alone.
"Thank you," Henry says. "I don't say it enough, but I mean it. Ever since Dad, you... you've just been here for me, and I really appreciate you. Thank you. I... I love you."
"I love you, too," Shaan says. He pulls Henry into a hug, and Henry hugs him back tightly. "It has been an absolute pleasure to get to know and watch over you. Your dad would be proud of you. I know I am."
Henry hugs him a little tighter. Somewhere, he knows, his dad is watching. And wherever he is, he's proud.