Chapter Text
It’s another day at the office and nothing is out of the ordinary. Paul, like always, is busy looking at graphs and Ted, like always, has parked his chair behind him and is looking over his shoulder while he listens to customers and their issues for a few minutes, before he redirects them to the assholes on the third floor.
Sure, some would argue that maybe Ted should sit by his own table, but the headset is wireless and at this point, these conversations are so routine to him that it doesn’t fucking matter.
Whatever Paul is doing is not much more interesting, but it is something else and he does get to occasionally bother his high school friend turned coworker, so he sees it as a plus, he really does.
“CCRP technical, this is Ted. How can I help?” He mutes his headset and his microphone as soon as he hears the way too familiar voice of Sherman Young.
He calls in about once a month: His rants are always long and his questions always awful, so Ted prefers not to deal with him. This strategy has worked out so far, so he sees no reason to change it.
Rather than wasting his time completely, he taps Paul on the shoulder. It’s been a while since the last time he bothered him so he’s allowed to, he decides. “Hey Paul?”
Paul doesn’t seem too invested in whatever graph he’s looking at (working on? Ted will be real, he has no idea what exactly Paul does and it’s not that he doesn’t care about Paul, he just doesn’t care about graphs), because he turns around to look at him almost immediately. “Yes?”
“How did that date of yours go last night?”
“Ugh.” Paul throws his head back and it’s not hard to tell that he isn’t too enthusiastic about his love life, which is exactly why Ted finds it amusing to remind him of it. “It was awful.”
“Oh yeah? Tell me about it.” It’s funny, getting invested in someone else’s love life, because there’s no actual consequences, which is something Ted can appreciate. The most awful thing in the world he can think of is having to deal with his ex, but she luckily lives in Clyvesdale so he doesn’t see her often.
Paul on the other hand? Paul is perfectly content not being in love with anyone. He likes taking dating at his own speed and after his last crush – which didn’t end horribly, Emma (the awful barista who Ted is pretty sure he’s seen spit in his coffee before, but whatever) and Paul are friends now – he’s not really been into anyone. At least he hasn’t told Ted, which (in Ted’s opinion) is pretty much the same thing.
And he doesn’t mind being single and not getting laid because he’s boring or whatever, but he’s thirty now and Ted knows how his parents and sister can be. No, not can be. Are. They keep setting him up on blind days and they keep enlisting his friends to do the same thing. He’s tired of it and he just wants to be left alone and Ted is never going to tell him that he’s the one who convinced Mrs. Matthews that Bethany, who Ted often grabs drinks with and who also happens to work for Greenpeace and who always bothers Paul after work because he never fucking gives, was the perfect candidate for last night’s date.
It is like it is most days at the office. Paul tells Ted about his life, which is mostly boring outside of these stupid blind dates his family and friends keep setting him up with. Ted listens, but occasionally holds up a hand that tells Paul to shut up, so he can quickly unmute his microphone and half-heartedly answer whatever question comes from the other side of his phone call. Then Paul talks a bit more and then Ted unmutes his microphone once more.
“Yeah, that’s definitely a problem with your router,” he tells Sherman. “We can’t help you with that, no. Yeah, goodbye.”
When Ted hangs up and is done rolling his eyes, Paul finishes his story. “And she had the audacity to ask for a second date. It was awful. I wasted my money on that dinner and on making a donation to Greenpeace in return for her not to ever call me again. At this point I’m considering just telling them I have a partner so they’ll stop setting me up on awful blind dates.”
“Sounds awful, dude.” Yeah, there’s no way Ted’s telling him the truth about who set up that date. No fucking way. “But I support your plan. Hey, do you wanna go grab some coffee with me? At Beanie’s, I could use some fresh air.”
“Sure thing.” He shuts down his computer and the two of them make their way towards the elevator. Ted turns to say something to Paul while they walk and suddenly, Paul points behind him. “Watch out!”
Ted truly tries to watch out, but by the time he’s facing the right direction, he’s already walked straight into someone. He takes a step back and is about to start apologizing, but then he realizes that he didn’t walk straight into just someone. He walked straight into Charlotte.
“Oh, fuck no. What are you doing here?” She looks about as surprised as him and she opens her mouth to answer, but Ted continues before she has the chance. “Actually, don’t answer that. Come on, Paul, we’re leaving.”
Melissa puts an arm around Charlotte and that’s a bad sign, because they’re supposed to get a new employee on their floor today and Melissa’s supposed to show them around and the last thing Ted wants is for their new coworker to be Charlotte, so he just hopes Melissa and Charlotte are secretly friends and that she’s going to be gone once he gets back.
On their way down in the elevator, Paul asks him about what just happened. “Do you know her or something?”
And all Ted can do is nod. “Yep.” He doesn’t want to elaborate, but Paul gives him a look and he knows he’ll have to. It’s fine. It’s whatever. He just rolls his eyes and sighs very loudly before. “So you know how I mentioned having an ex? That was her.”
“No way.”
“Yes way.” Ted sighs once again. Charlotte being here is really the last thing he wants. “Sadly. God, I wish she wasn’t here. And God, I hope she’s not going to continue being here, but that’d be just my luck, huh?”
Paul gives him a sympathetic pat on the back before the elevator opens. Then they make their way towards Beanie’s.
Emma’s at work, which is probably the best possible scenario. She doesn’t even ask them what they want, but starts getting to work on a black coffee for Paul and a chai iced tea as soon as they step inside. She knows them and perhaps a bit too well, but Ted really doesn’t mind.
He slides money over the counter and pays for both of them and Paul tells him not to, but Ted brushes him off. It really doesn’t matter much who pays for who at this point in their friendship and especially not for something like coffee.
“So… that was your ex?” Paul doesn’t have to bring it up again, but he does.
Ted can’t say he’s thankful. “That was my ex.”
“What’s her name?”
“Charlotte.”
“And you guys broke up how long ago?”
He shrugs. “Like a year ago? I don’t know, how long has it been since I moved back to Hatchetfield?”
“That was in January, so nine months.” He’s happy Paul remembers these things, because he sure as hell doesn't.
Emma puts down their respective drinks and after concluding that there’s no one else around to serve, she leans over the counter and joins in. “What are you two talking about?”
“Nothing,” Ted says.
“Ted’s ex,” Paul says at the same time.
It makes Ted glare at him while he shakes his head. “Dude!”
“Wait, Ted has an ex? Theodore himself has been in a relationship? Tedderino has been devoted to another human person? Tedderoni h–”
“You’re awful, I hate you and I hope you die.” Ted smiles at Emma, but it’s the annoyed kind of smile that rather than warmth radiates annoyance.
It only makes Emma smile back, but her smile is smug and Ted doesn’t just think it’s awful: He knows it is. “Tell me about her.”
He doesn’t want to, but Emma is persistent and Paul is to no help. He ends up giving her the short story: He forgot their anniversary and went out drinking with his coworkers instead of spending the night at home with her, she said it was fine but it wasn’t. She forgot the anniversary of his mother's death and didn’t come home when he asked her to, but never told him why. He said it was fine but it wasn’t. They ended up deciding breaking up was probably the right thing to do and pretended they could be friends for a while, but then he found out she was already in a new relationship a week after they broke up from a mutual friend and with that, the friendship was quickly over.
“That sucks.” Emma chimes in.
Ted just shrugs. “I guess it does.” It’s a lie. He doesn’t ‘guess it does’. He knows it does, he lived through it. But he much prefers pretending to be totally casual about it to letting Emma know he has experienced anything but utter bliss. “Anyway, Paul.” He turns to face the friend he’s actually cares about. “Wanna come sit with me at a table and leave the barista to do her job?”
Emma shouts after him that he sucks and it’s fine, it’s whatever. She’s always like this and he respects that about her (or at least he accepts it). Then he and Paul get settled by their usual table, which is the one in the corner by the window.
Something appears to him while they chat about nothing over coffee and tea. It’s a horrible idea and on top of that, it’s stupid too. But it’s a plan. “Hey Paul?”
“Mmhmm?”
“If Charlotte’s really going to be working with us, can you do me a favor?”
Paul raises an eyebrow at him. It’s like he’s catching on that something is happening in Ted’s brain and that that something is something stupid. “It really depends on the favor.”
“Want to pretend to be in a relationship with me?”
“No.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“Pretty please?”
“No. Not happening.”