Chapter Text
One drink with the human was all very well, until it turned into two. Then three. Kanaya's head is swimming and her digestive tract is threatening to revolt; she doesn't know what her test-subject-cum-bartender has put into these so-called martinis, but she suspects it could be used as industrial paint thinner.
Rose, in comparison, seems relatively well-at-ease, even jovial. Substantially more so than before. She's been asking increasingly pointed, and embarrassing, questions about alien biology for the last twenty minutes. It astonishes Kanaya that the unflappable, wry being of no more than an hour ago could be the same person that she sees before her now. Human behavior is clearly more varied than she or any of her science team's members originally imagined.
"Kanyanaaaaa!" Rose drawls, slapping Kanaya on the back with more than passing familiarity. "You're, haha, you're not lookin' terribly well there. Did I make 'em too ssstrong?" She's slowing down her speech, taking exaggerated care not to soften her consonants, but ending up sounding even sillier when she fails. In about thirty more seconds she's just going to give up on that.
"It's Kanaya," the corrected name's bearer croaks. "I think I'm going to be... indisposed." Then she remembers she has a quick cure-all. "Sollux, could you please... reduce the ethyl alcohol in... my bloodstream. To about, um. One third of its present concentration?"
"Hey, thatsssnot really fair! But, okay. I don' want your only memory of firss' contact to be a sore head and, and, a too suddenly empty ssstomach. And particulately, I want you to rembember firss' contact. Thiss, is an hhhhhistoric occasion! An' it should be a pleasant one as well."
Kanaya's earpiece beeps and she feels a sudden relief. She never really thought to ask what the after-effects of alcohol on her species might be. The ship's computer assured her that it was at best a mild toxin, but apparently it isn't quite the same low-grade soporific that it is for humans.
"Hey, hey, hhheeeeeeeeyyy," Rose slurs, "how's that thing work, eggsackly, anyway? Is it, like, sssomethin' I can try?"
The bottom of the boat that is Kanaya's composure springs a leak, and a sinking feeling ensues.
"Rose," Kanaya says carefully, enunciating each word crisply, "I may be experiencing misgivings about the prospect of handing over the local reality cursor to an inebriated guest user."
"Aw, come on!" Rose pouts. Her pout is, unfortunately, irresistible. "You've been usin' that realolity curser on me for, like, weeks. Turnabout seems like fair play, immy humble opinion."
"I don't think my supervisor will approve of the idea of our team being experimented upon themselves by one of our test subjects," Kanaya says, with all the coldness and finality she can muster.
Rose gasps. "Oh, no! No no no no. You missundersstand me. Sorry! I meant, I mentioned, uh..." She struggles to remember the rest of her sentence. "I said sssomethin' about, uh, some other shpecimens of humanity that might interess' you. I know quite a few! An' not only do I know 'em, as in know know 'em, y'know, but I can tell you where to find 'em. But, I wanna be in on it! You're gonna learn such great stuff, and I'm not gonna miss that for, for the wooooorrrld."
Kanaya looks Rose straight in the eye with what she hopes is her most withering look. Rose stares back with flirtatious amusement. Damn her eyes. Her exquisite, amorous lavender eyes. And the rest of her, while we're at it.
"Hold on a moment," Kanaya sighs, pulling her palmhusk out of her uniform's pocket. "Allow me to put this highly irregular request through the proper channels."
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] opened memo on board TEAM SCIENCE
FTW.
GA: So As Those Of You Streaming From The Shell Feed May Have Noticed
GA: I Have Taken The Opportunity To Initiate First Contact After A Long Series Of Irregular Test Results On Subject 137745-1238L Of The Human Species
GA: Code Named Rose
GA: She Has Been Introducing Me To The Wonders Of A Class Of Human Soporifics Called Martinis
GA: Which Come In Several Varieties
GA: All Of Which Taste Very Nice
GA: But Are Apparently Liable To Cause Various Symptoms Of Upset If Imbibed To Excess
GA: She Has Just Offered Her Services In Selecting Additional Test Subjects
GA: Which May Lead To A Higher Rate Of Receptiveness Than Our Baseline Latin Hypercube Sampling Strategy On The Parameter Space Of Human Personalities
GA: I Think This Could Potentially Be A Very Interesting Arrangement
GA: But It Seems There Is A Quid Pro Quo
GA: She Wants To Help Design And Administer The Testing Protocol
GA: Which Will Require At Least Some Version Of Remote Shell Access
GA: I Feel Unequipped To Carry Out A Full Risk Analysis On The Spot
GA: Please Advise
carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.
CG: NO.
CG: FUCK NO.
CG: HELL FUCKING NO.
GA: Ah
GA: Is It That Cut And Dried Then
CG: IT'S COMPLETELY UNHEARD OF.
CG: GIVE A TEST SUBJECT ACCESS TO THE REALITY SHELL?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN PAN?!
CG: ESPECIALLY ONE THAT UNDERSTANDS THIS IS ALIEN FIRST CONTACT?!
CG: THERE'S NO WAY CENTRAL COMMAND WOULD APPROVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
GA: To Be Sure Central Command Did Not Directly Approve Our Protocols Either
GA: We Are Given A Good Measure Of Autonomy To Adjust Our Behavioral Experiments In Order To Yield The Most Informative Results
GA: But The Boondollar Stops With You
CG: IF THAT'S THE CASE, WHY ARE YOU STILL ADVOCATING FOR THIS?!
CG: I SAID NO. NO MEANS NO. WHICH, BY THE WAY, ALSO MEANS NO.
GA: You Realize Of Course That Central Command May Be Frustrated At Our Lack Of Progress
GA: Nearly An Entire Perigee And Only One Incredibly Perverse Human Studied
GA: I Fear They May Simply Cancel The Project And Move On
CG: AND WOULD THAT REALLY BE SUCH A TERRIBLE OUTCOME?!
CG: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BLOWN OVER THREE-QUARTERS OF THE OPERATIONS BUDGET FOR YOUR PROTOCOL ON THIS ONE HUMAN.
CG: BESIDES, IT'S NOT LIKE THERE AREN'T THOUSANDS MORE WORLDS IN THE GALAXY WITH MORE INTELLIGENT LIFE THAN THIS ONE.
GA: In Defense Of Rose
GA: I Believe She Is Quite Intelligent
CG: MAYBE. BUT UNCOOPERATIVE. CONTRARY.
CG: *DIFFICULT*.
GA: Would You Really Have Us Make First Contact With A Planet Of Simpletons
GA: If You Had Bothered To Read Our Event Logs I Believe You Would Find
GA: Her Brand Of Contrariness Is Really Quite Creative
CG: AND SO WHAT?
GA: Also She
GA: Um
twinArmageddons [TA] responded to memo.
TA: 2he'2 got a niice a22, huh.
GA: What
GA: No
TA: kn.
TA: you've been checkiing her a22 out every tiime 2he goe2 two refill your gla22 wiith another one of tho2e "martiinii" thiing2.
GA: Have I Really Now
TA: and when 2he get2 up two go two the load gaper.
TA: and liike, liiterally any other tiime 2he turn2 around, for any rea2on.
GA: The Answer To My Rhetorical Question Is No Sollux
GA: No I Most Certainly Have Not
GA: Also Shut Up
TA: ii thiink you're probably compromii2ed.
GA: Okay Fine I Will Admit
GA: She Is Not Without Some Modest Degree Of Physical Comeliness
CG: HOLY SHIT, I AM SO VERY CANCELLING YOU TWO.
CG: YOU'VE GONE COMPLETELY OFF THE RAILS, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE *FRATERNIZING* WITH THE TEST SUBJECTS!!!
GA: Sir Its Not That Bad
TA: hahaha, kn you are 2o fuckiing bu2ted.
CG: STAND DOWN, ENSIGN MARYAM. YOUR WORK IS DONE HERE.
caligulasAquarium [CA] responded to memo.
CA: wwait
CA: belay that order lieutenant
CG: FLKGJHFLF
CG: SIR, PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY
CA: wwhat the hell
CA: granted
CA: youre just gonna say wwhatevver comes into your pan anywways
CG: ARE YOU AWARE THAT ENSIGN MARYAM'S "SCIENCE PROJECT" NOW CONSTITUTES A SECURITY RISK TO OUR VESSEL?!
CG: FRATERNIZING WITH A TEST SUBJECT IS EXPLICITLY AGAINST OUR RESEARCH DIRECTIVES!
CA: yeah wwell as captain of this vvessel im hereby ovverridin those directivves
TA: ok, ii was not expectiing that.
GA: To Be Honest Neither Was I
CA: pipe the fuck dowwn ensigns
CA: i didnt say either of you could speak freely
TA: 2orry, 2iir. please contiinue.
CG: CAPTAIN AMPORA, SIR.
CG: BY ALL MEANS DO TELL ME WHAT ESSENTIAL DATA ARE NEEDED THAT ONLY ENSIGN MARYAM'S PROTOCOL CAN DELIVER, TO JUSTIFY SAFEGUARDING IT AGAINST IMMEDIATE TERMINATION WITH PREJUDICE?
CA: wwell
CA: theres a wwealth of vvital cultural information about the new species
CA: such as audio media consumption
CA: toxicology
CG: TOXICOLOGY ISN'T CULTURAL INFORMATION, YOU IGNORAMUS!
CA: and reproductivve behavvior
CG: REPRODUCT--!!!
CG: SIR, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE OVERRIDING OUR SECURITY PROCEDURES IN ORDER TO PERV ON ONE OF OUR CREW AND HER ALIEN TEST SUBJECT?!
CA: wwell i wwouldnt use those exact wwords to describe it lieutenant
CA: after all its for science aint it
CG: I BET YOU KNEW TO JUMP IN AT THIS VERY MINUTE BECAUSE YOU HAD SOME KIND OF SURVEILLANCE SCRIPT SET UP TO NOTIFY YOU AT THE BAREST MENTION OF THE WORD "ASS".
CA: i wwill neither confirm nor deny that
CA: as any such shit wwould obvviously be highly classified information
TA: actually kk, s/ass/ wouldn't have yiielded a match two my mentiion.
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP ENSIGN, YOU ARE OUT OF LINE.
CG: FUCK IT, I'M ESCALATING THIS UP THE COMMAND CHAIN.
CG: STRAIGHT TO THE FLEET ADMIRAL.
CA: like hell you wwill
cuttlefishCuller [CC] responded to memo.
CA: ohhh shit
CA: fleet admiral on vvirtual deck
CC: At ease, Captain, crew!
CC: Now, w)(at seems to be t)(e issue?
CC: Surely we can work everyt)(ing out amiably )(ere!
CG: THIS *DOUCHEBAG* IS TRYING TO RESUME A CANCELLED CONTACT PROTOCOL THAT POSES A GRAVE SECURITY RISK FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL TITILLATION.
CG: THUS ENDANGERING THE MISSION AND EVERYTHING IT STANDS FOR.
CC: Well, w)(at's t)(e protocol?
CG: ENSIGN MARYAM HAS MADE FIRST CONTACT WITH THE HUMAN SPECIES.
CG: HER TEST SUBJECT NOW WANTS TO BE DIRECTLY INVOLVED IN FURTHER TESTING, AND GIVEN REMOTE ACCESS TO THE REALITY SHELL.
CC: Weeeeeeell... that sure sounds fis)(y to me!
CC: But also mighty exciting!
CC: It'd be a s)(ame if we )(ad to cut off first contact over somet)(ing like this!
CC: -Ensign Maryam! Report!
GA: Report
GA: Report On What Admiral Peixes
CC: Is t)(e subject offering anyt)(ing in return?
GA: She Says She Can Make Dramatic Improvements To Our Sampling Procedure
GA: Thus Guaranteeing Us Contact With Additional Test Subjects Likely To Respond Favorably To Our Interventions
GA: Or At Least Respond In Scientifically Interesting Ways
CC: Impressive!
CC: And can t)(e protocol be moderated to reduce risk of catastrop)(ic failure?
GA: I Believe So
GA: Ensign Captor Has Been Conducting The Protocol With Me
GA: And Would Know More About The Safeguards And Permissions That Can Be Granted To A Reality Shell Prompt Or Cursor
TA: ii can do that wiithout even breakiing a sweat, ma'am.
TA: my code ii2 tiight a2 the pur2ed liip2 of a barren empre22 at her beautiiful young heire22'2 coming-out party.
CC: )(a)(a, well! You sure know )(ow to flatter a young lady, -Ensign!
CC: Between just us, is s)(e cute?
TA: ii'm 2orry, ma'am?
CC: T)(e test subject, I mean.
TA: oh. ye2 ma'am.
TA: exceediingly.
CC: -Excellent!
CC: Sounds great to me! Please proceed as planned, -Ensign Maryam.
CC: And good luck! ;)
CC: O)(, and Lieutenant Vantas?
CG: YES, MA'AM?
CC: I'd appreciate you personally supervising t)(is unusual protocol to make sure not)(ing goes "globes up", as you mig)(t say.
CC: I t)(ink t)(e risk of t)(at is low, but I'm )(olding you responsible for t)(e success of t)(e science component of t)(is mission.
CC: T)(at is all.
CC: Dismissed!
carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned cuttlefishCuller [CC] from responding to memo.
CG: I CAN'T *BELIEVE* WE'RE DOING THIS.
CA: wwell i certainly can
CA: couldnt be more pleased wwith howw that turned out
CG: THIS IS AN UNCONSCIONABLE ABUSE OF YOUR POSITION, AND A GRAVE FAILURE OF OVERSIGHT BY YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER.
CA: and to that may i just say
CA: suck it vvant-ass
CG: NO, I WILL NOT SUCK IT, YOU DESPERATE FREAK.
CA: wwill i havve to give it to you as an order then
carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned caligulasAquarium [CA] from responding to memo.
CG: HOLY BLISTERING FUCK, THE CONTENTS OF THIS MEMO ARE *EVERYTHING* THAT IS WRONG WITH OUR COMMAND STRUCTURE.
TA: hahaha, fuckiing fiigure2 the captaiin would be a huge xenophiile two.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned twinArmageddons [TA] from responding to memo.
CG: ANYONE ELSE WANT TO GET BANNED?!
CG: NO?
CG: OKAY THEN.
CG: ENSIGN MARYAM, YOU HAVE MY OFFICIAL FULL SUPPORT AND ANY RESOURCES YOU NEED TO MAKE THIS TRAVESTY OF A CONTACT PROTOCOL HAPPEN.
CG: UNOFFICIALLY, I JUST HOPE YOUR PROTOCOL DOESN'T EXPLODE IN ALL OUR FACES AND MAKE US THE LAUGHINGSTOCK OF THE FUCKING GALAXY.
CG: AS DIRECTED, I'M GOING TO INSIST ON PERSONAL SUPERVISION AND TAKING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS, SO DON'T GET ANY FRISKY IDEAS ABOUT YOUR TEST SUBJECT ON MY WATCH.
CG: NOT THE LEAST BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO ACCIDENTALLY GRATIFY OUR SKEEVY CAPTAIN, AFTER WHAT HE JUST PULLED.
CG: NOR OVER-GRATIFY OUR FLAKY FLEET ADMIRAL, WHO I'M NOT CONVINCED IS ANY LESS INVESTED IN THE VERY PERSONAL SUCCESS OF WHATEVER IT IS YOU'VE GOT PLANNED.
CG: THIS WILL BE A MISSION OF *PURELY* SCIENTIFIC INTEREST, AND *WILL* BE CONDUCTED WITH APPROPRIATE PROFESSIONAL DECORUM.
CG: MEMO OVER. GET OUTTA HERE.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] banned himself from responding to memo.
GA: I Think Im Going To Be Indisposed
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] closed memo.