Chapter Text
“I… think I like Yukina.”
I’d been turning those words over and over in my head since Sayo had said them this afternoon. When she’d showed up at the Haneoka dance club, at first I’d thought she was really looking for Yukina or Hina instead, but when she, face flushed, had asked if we could move to a quieter place to talk I’d quickly realized, with a sinking feeling, what was really up.
It wasn’t like it had come as a surprise. The signs were so clear it would’ve been hard for me not to notice. The way her gaze lingered on Yukina during practice. The obvious happiness that shone in her face whenever Yukina praised her playing. All those times she’d bashfully asked me for advice about what kind of things Yukina liked. Honestly, watching our steely-eyed, strict, slightly scary guitarist melt like warm chocolate when talking about her crush was kind of precious.
…It was precious, but it still hurt. I’d thought I was slowly starting to get over her. That I was accepting that we weren’t going to be anything more than friends, and figuring out how to enjoy that for what it was.
But when she’d put her feelings to words, I’d suddenly realized that that was still very much not the case. Being able to spend time with Sayo as a friend--practicing music with just the two of us, or baking cookies together, or shopping for a present for Yukina--had made me happy enough that I’d been able to deceive myself into thinking I was satisfied with just that. But today it had all come flooding back.
“Thanks for always listening to me, Lisa,” she’d said, a slight but genuine smile on her face, and in that moment I’d thought that I desperately wanted to be special to her, for her to smile at me like that again and again. I wanted to hold hands and kiss and cuddle under the kotatsu together and go on dates and do all kinds of romantic embarrassing things couples do. My unrequited feelings had flowed through me until I felt full to bursting, and that feeling still refused to subside. Helping the girl I liked get together with someone else was stupid and masochistic, I knew, but I couldn’t manage to subdue either feeling: my desire for Sayo, romantically, or my desire to help her as best I could as a friend. People always said that being kind to everyone was one of my good character traits, but there had to be a limit to that, didn’t there?
In an attempt to calm myself down, I buried my face in my pillow and tried not to think about it. Tried not to think about the cute embarrassed look she’d had on her face, the kind she’d never show when talking about me. Or the possibility that my two best friends might start dating and leave me as a permanent third wheel.
Or the love letter Sayo had asked me to read over, sitting ominously on my desk.
I reached over and grabbed it, staring at the unsealed envelope in my hand. A love letter. From the girl I liked. Of course, it wasn’t addressed to me, but just holding it like this made me feel a little excited. And more than a little uncomfortable, as though I was poking my nose into a corner of someone’s heart that wasn’t really supposed to be open to me. She’d asked, of course, but was this the kind of thing an outsider should read?
Or maybe I was just scared of reading it. Scared that if I did, there would be no more doubt about what her true feelings were. Somewhere in my heart, I’d always kind of hoped that maybe I’d just been reading things wrong, that Sayo’s feelings toward Yukina weren’t really romantic, that there was some chance she’d turn my way instead. But once I learned how she really felt, that hope would die.
Confessing your feelings was a really brave thing, wasn’t it. What if you got rejected? Wasn’t it better not to risk it, to just be happy fantasizing about the possibility of being together? It was like Schrodinger’s cat, and I wanted to stay in the blissfully ignorant state where the cat is both dead and alive, where I was both rejected and accepted by the person I loved.
But, like Schrodinger, I knew that the cat was already either alive or dead. I just didn’t want to accept the possibility that it would be lying there, stiff and cold, when I opened the box. But it was best for me to face reality. If I read the letter, then maybe I could move on. This messy chapter in my life could finally come to a close.
I opened the envelope, unfolded the letter inside, and began to read.
Dear Minato Yukina, the letter began. When you first asked me to join Roselia, I was motivated by nothing but a desire to outstrip my sister. For that selfish reason, I wanted to aim for the top with you. But somewhere along the way, I grew enchanted by your voice. By the way playing next to you, with the rest of Roselia, made me feel. It was like I’d finally found a place where I really belonged. More than that though, I started to feel like I wanted to be by your side, whether we were performing together or not. I wanted to see your face when I made you some cookies, or when I got you a present for your birthday. I know bringing these kinds of feelings into the band is forbidden, but I do not feel as though I can stay honest to myself any longer without expressing them. I am in love with you. If by some chance you feel the same way, then I would be beyond happy if you would become my girlfriend.
Sincerely,
Hikawa Sayo
“Oh, Sayo…” I whispered softly. The letter was a little formal, a little awkward, but above all genuinely sincere. Exactly the side of Sayo that had made me fall in love with her. Of course it hurt to see those feelings directed towards someone other than me, but the wave of emotion bubbling up within me was more sweet than bitter. Hearing her talk about how much Roselia meant to her, how much being with Yukina meant to her--when I thought about how different she was now from the terse, unhappy girl she’d been when I’d first met her, I couldn’t keep myself from smiling.
As ever, I was too nice for my own good, wasn’t I. But I just didn’t have it in me to be upset at Sayo’s happiness. Even if it was contradictory, even if I couldn’t be the one by her side--I wanted to see her keep on smiling. I wanted her to always have Roselia by her side to support her.
But it’s human nature to want things we can never have.
The fated day arrived the next week. Sayo and I were sitting on a bench in the studio lobby before band practice, trying to warm up a little after being out in the cold late fall air. Even moving into the heated studio, however, didn’t seem to have done a lot to improve the nauseous look on her face. I patted her on the shoulder in an attempt to calm her down, but the truth was I was feeling more than a little nervous myself. Of course, it wasn’t me who was planning to ask someone out today, but still…
We sat there like that for a while, greeting Ako and Rinko as they came in. Eventually Sayo glanced at her watch. “Yukina’s late.”
“Yeah, I guess she is. Should I send her a message?”
“Maybe. It’s unusual for her not to be on time...”
Sayo’s concern was no doubt partially due to today’s, um, unique circumstances, but it was true that Yukina was never late. I mean, music was Yukina’s life. The rest of us were all juggling multiple things at the same time--schoolwork, club activities, part-time jobs, the student council--but other than the band Yukina rarely showed much of an interest in much of anything, really, for better or for worse. Even though it was right in the middle of exam prep season for all of us third-years, she didn’t seem to be all that concerned about that, either, despite Sayo and I continuously nagging her about how she should focus more on studying.
All of which is to say that normally, Yukina would never let something get in the way of her beloved band practice. Of course, she was human in the end, and, especially compared to someone like Sayo, not always the most diligent person, so any number of things could have waylaid her. But I still couldn’t shake the feeling--whether it was just Sayo’s nervousness infecting me or not--that something out of the ordinary might have happened.
Yukina showed up in the studio out of breath, looking like she’d been hurrying to get here. Her cheeks were slightly tinged pink from the cold, and she took a moment to regain her composure once she’d entered the heated room. I put a hand on her shoulder and opened my mouth to ask if she was okay, but she waved me off, and, after a second, regained her usual cool, commanding demeanor. “Let’s begin. We’ve already lost time we can’t afford to lose.”
Wordlessly, the four of us followed after her. Before Yukina opened the door to the practice room we were using, she stopped and turned to us. “Can everyone stay for a few minutes after practice ends? There’s an announcement I’d like to make.”
Usually, whenever Yukina told us she was making an announcement like this, I had a pretty good guess about what she was going to say. I was her oldest friend and closest confidante, so most of the time she’d already talked about it with me beforehand, and, in the rare cases where she hadn’t, I could use the intuition I’d honed over our long time together to figure it out. But this time, I was in the unfamiliar, and more than a little uncomfortable, situation of having no idea what this might be about.
Throughout our practice, I couldn’t stop a series of unpleasant thoughts from invading my brain. It was petty and selfish, I knew, but I just somehow hated the idea that Yukina was relying on someone else before me. If she and Sayo were to actually start dating, then the first person she’d turn to if she wanted advice would be Sayo, wouldn’t it? And in that case, Sayo herself would certainly rather share her secrets with Yukina rather than me.
I was greedy. I wanted to be the most important person to both of my best friends. But more than that, I was scared. Scared that I might end up with no one who really thought of me as special. What Sayo had said about Roselia being a place where she really belonged was true of me, too. Sure, it was easy for me to get along with people, and I enjoyed the company of the other dance club members and my coworkers at my part-time job, but the only place where I really felt fulfilled by my connections with other people was here. Somewhere along the way, I’d come to rely on Roselia in a way I hadn’t ever expected to.
I knew we couldn’t stay like this forever. And yet… I couldn’t help but wish that these days would never end.
Practice ended and the four of us turned our attention to Yukina. I glanced at Sayo, standing to my right, and squeezed her hand, as much to convince myself things would go well as to reassure her. In her other hand, she was gently clutching her letter, holding it slightly out of Yukina’s line of vision.
Yukina looked vaguely uncomfortable as she stood before us, before taking a deep breath and regaining her usual cool, commanding demeanor. In that moment, just as she was about to speak, time seemed to stop. It felt like that moment when you’ve realized your mug of tea is about to fall, only you’re too late too stop it and can only watch in helplessness as it slowly tumbles to its doom.
I wanted to stop her. I wanted to believe that if I just covered her mouth and prevented her from speaking, everything would stay as it was. But that wouldn’t change anything. I knew that. So I just gripped Sayo’s hand tighter and waited for what came next.
“I’ve been accepted into a music program at a school in Europe.” The words lingered in the air after she’d said them, with no one sure exactly how to respond.
The right thing to do in that moment would have been to congratulate her, I knew. Surely this was something she’d worked hard on. It was a way for her to get closer to her dreams of performing on the highest of stages. And she was my oldest and closest friend. Her achievements had always brought me as much happiness as they had her. So it should have only been natural for me to tell her how proud of her I was.
But the words stuck in my throat and refused to come out.
“Of course, this means I’m going to put Roselia on hiatus for a while. But I want to be clear, this is only a hiatus. To me, this is an important opportunity for me to improve my skills. But the only people I want to stand on those high stages with are you four. As Roselia. This is just me finding a new way of getting to where we’re all aiming to go.”
Her voice softened. “I really thought hard about making this decision. But ultimately, music is what I’ve devoted my life to. What I want to continue devoting my life to. To that end, I wanted to do whatever I could, even if it meant leaving the place where I feel most at home. …If you’ve got any questions, I’ll do my best to answer them.”
Yukina finished and let out a deep sigh, as though she’d gotten a huge weight off of her chest. I watched as Ako started to run up to her, with Rinko following her at a calmer pace, and made to go with them when I heard a slight sound of paper crunching from next to me.
“Sayo…?”
Her face was dark, and in her clenched fist I could see the crumpled remains of the letter she’d been so carefully holding up until now. Then suddenly, without a word, she turned and left the studio, her hair swishing behind her with the abruptness of the action.
Apologizing to Yukina in my mind, I ran out after her.
I’d forgotten my coat in the practice room in my hurry to catch up to Sayo, so the bitter cold outside assaulted me as soon as I left the building. But what was more worrying to me at the moment was the defeated expression on the face of the girl in front of me, who was standing still and staring at the letter in her hand. I put a hand on her shoulder and forced her to turn towards me.
“Sayo! Don’t tell me you’re just going to give up here? You’re not even going to tell her how you feel?”
She smiled mirthlessly. “The whole idea of telling her my feelings was a stupid one all along. I should have known that from the start. All of this--the band, romance, friendship--is just a passing adolescent delusion that will fade once we graduate.”
“Don't say that, Sayo…”
“I honestly can’t believe I almost talked myself into this. Something this embarrassing--it’s really not in my character.” The laugh she let out here was empty of all emotion.
I felt like I had to say something, to reassure her that I would always be there for her, that our friendship, at the very least, wasn’t something that would end after we graduated. But for the second time that night, the words stuck in my throat.
“Really, I’m so, so stupid…” Sayo’s voice had grown smaller and more strained, and she was covering her face.
I still couldn’t think of a good way to put what I was feeling into words, so I just hugged her. Normally she would have pushed me off for getting so close to her, but at this moment, she didn’t resist and shoved her face into my chest.
We stood there like that for a while, a warm and slightly wet sensation spreading from where she was resting her head. I didn’t really know how to react to what was going on any more than she did, so instead of being chatty I just shut up. Eventually, after she seemed to have calmed down a bit, Sayo broke free from me. “It’s getting late. I should be getting home,” she said, attempting with mixed results to reclaim the sense of dignity her voice usually had.
“You don’t want to say anything to her?”
“…I don’t want her to see me like this.” Her expression, dimly illuminated by the nearby streetlights, looked strikingly vulnerable, to the point where it made me badly want to hug her again. But I just smiled sadly back at her and waved goodbye as she walked off, staring at her silhouette until it vanished into the evening gloom.
“Lisa?” From behind me, I heard my name being called and flinched in surprise. I turned around and felt the sensation of a coat being laid on top of my shoulders. I’d almost forgotten about it in the daze Sayo and I had been in, but it really was cold out, wasn’t it. I turned to face Yukina, who had a slightly worried look on her face. “Is everything okay with you and Sayo?”
“Yeah, we’re all good!” I said, putting a bit of performative cheer into my voice. “She was just feeling a little under the weather today, so she went home early.”
“…I see.” Yukina didn’t seem convinced, but didn’t push the matter any further. She leaned against the wall in front of the studio and slowly exhaled, the white smoke of her breath visible in the cold air.
It was a scene that had repeated itself countless times. The two of us walking home after practice, sharing each other’s company like it was the most natural thing in the world. I’d never wished for any real change in our relationship. But maybe, despite that, it had come anyway.
“Where’re Ako and Rinko?”
“Went home. They said they had some sort of monster to kill in that game they’re always playing.”
“Gotcha.”
Our conversation fell to silence for a while until I opened my mouth again.
“You must’ve been thinking about this music school thing for a long time, huh. I had no idea…”
I hadn’t been trying to blame her, exactly, but she still looked a little guilty. “I just didn’t feel like I could look all of you in the face, tell you that I was thinking about leaving Japan, and not be swayed to stay here. I wanted to think seriously about what would really help me be the best performer I could be.”
If you were so worried about us convincing you not to leave, then why not just go along with it and stay here? a selfish corner of my brain wanted to say. But I held in the urge to be snarky.
“Sayo’s really going to miss you, you know.” My feelings were still a mess, but the emotion that bubbled to the top first was anger. Yukina’s future was hers to decide, of course, but I couldn’t forgive her for making Sayo cry. I wished I could just tell Yukina outright how much she meant to Sayo, and how much not telling us about this whole music school plan beforehand had ended up hurting her. Of course, it wasn’t my place to say all that, but I still felt like I had to stand up for Sayo.
Yukina wasn’t always the most perceptive person when it came to other people’s feelings, but this time, at least, she seemed to pick up on what was going on. “Wait, Lisa, so when she left earlier, that was…”
“I mean, we’ll all miss you, it’s just… I think she cares about you a lot more than you know. You should make sure to really talk to her before you leave. I don’t want things to turn awkward between you guys.”
If it were me who she was in love with, there would be no way I would ever make Sayo cry, I thought, somewhat bitterly.
But when I looked at Yukina’s face, those bitter feelings melted away. It looked like my words had actually struck home for her, and the vaguely guilty expression she’d been wearing earlier had shifted to something more seriously regretful.
Something about that expression was somehow reassuring to me. No matter what, Yukina still cared about us.
And no matter what, whether it was today or ten years ago, the only person she was this open with her emotions around was me.
I hugged her, enveloping her small frame in my arms. Compared to Sayo, it was a different kind of feeling, softer and more delicate, but still comfortably warm in the December chill.
“No matter what happens, you’ll always be my closest friend. I’m sure it’s the same for the rest of Roselia, too--even if we’re separated, there are some bonds that can’t be that easily broken.”
I wasn’t sure if I really believed what I was saying, but I felt like it was what Yukina--no, both of us--needed to hear at that moment.
I let go of her, and watched as her expression softened. I didn’t want to make her feel bad her for choice, but considering how close we were she would surely forgive me for being a little selfish.
“I really will miss you, you know.”
She smiled slightly, a vague hint of sadness in her face.
“...Yeah.”
The next couple of months were a blur of studying for entrance exams, actually taking those exams, and preparing for Roselia’s last concert before Yukina left. Neither Sayo nor I had a lot of time to really think about a lot of the things we’d been worrying about, which, in a way, was a blessing. But we couldn’t keep running away forever, and eventually, our high school days came to an end. We took our uniforms down from where they’d been hanging in our closets and folded them away into boxes, and prepared to face the world as adults.
Our first trial had come early, as we’d known it would. The two of us were on the train back from the airport after seeing Yukina off, sitting in silence as we tried to organize our thoughts. I knew that with that conversation, this period of our lives had finally come to an end. “I’ll call you every day!” I’d promised her, trying to maintain a cheerful facade, and Yukina in turn had promised us again that Roselia was only on hiatus, that it would resume activities once she came back. But even if we were able to keep those promises, we couldn’t be the way we had been anymore. I couldn’t walk home with Yukina after school, or naturally chat with Rinko and Ako after practice, or do any of the things that had made being in Roselia so fulfilling.
The people I’d talked to about this--my parents, dance club members from years past, some of my coworkers at my part-time job--had reassured me that things would end up okay. Of course things would change, and there was some sadness involved in that, but being an adult would bring plenty of new and rewarding opportunities. It made sense, but for whatever reason, maybe because it was just in my nature to do so, I couldn’t help but worry. What we’d had together as Roselia had really been special. I didn’t think that was the kind of thing that could be so easily found again once I’d lost it.
As these thoughts churned around and around in my head, I found myself voicing them before I knew it.
“Roselia’s… really going on hiatus, huh…”
Sayo nodded slowly. She hadn’t said a word since we’d gotten on the train, but finally she opened her mouth, staring at her knees as she did so. “When she said that to us… that she was putting the band on hiatus… it was a real shock. I’d thought we’d gotten closer, but at that moment I wondered if I’d just misjudged the distance between us. So I tried to convince myself that I didn’t really feel anything about her in the first place. That way I wouldn’t end up being hurt.
“But really, all I was doing was lying to myself. I didn’t want to admit it, but… I really loved her.” As she spoke, her voice gradually lowered in volume, her final words delivered in a barely audible whisper.
Even so, hearing her put voice to those feelings stung. I swallowed the words of encouragement I’d been preparing, and the two of us briefly returned to silence again.
Once again, Sayo continued. “I felt like if I admitted that to myself, I could move forward. But I still don’t know how to do that. The only thing that ever made me feel truly needed, like I was worth something as a human being, was her letting me play by her side. Without that… what do I have left?”
“Sayo!” My voice came out louder than I’d intended, but in that moment, I didn’t care. She quickly turned to face me, an expression of surprise replacing the gloomy one she’d been wearing up until now. “Don’t say things like that,” I continued at a more reasonable volume. “Did you really spend all this time with us and come away thinking that the only thing we cared about was how good you were at playing music? You work harder than anyone I know, and despite how you come off sometimes you’re a really nice person at heart. I mean, I’m worried about what’s going to happen to us, too, but… I’m happy to be able to call you my friend. At the very least, you can always rely on me, you know?” I didn’t know how much of what I was saying was genuine friendship and how much was me clinging to the hope that if I kept her by my side she still might someday grow to return my feelings for her. But what I did know was that I desperately wanted to avoid letting Sayo go.
Sayo still wouldn’t meet my gaze, but it seemed as though she’d calmed down a little bit. That made me feel relieved.
“Still, though, it’ll be kinda lonely without--without all of you around all the time anymore.” It’ll be lonely without you around, I’d started to say, but hadn’t been quite brave enough to finish. I still didn’t know what the appropriate distance to take with Sayo was. Would things turn awkward if I was too obvious about how much I liked her? Or would saying something like that let me be around her more?
Before I had time to think about it too much, though, Sayo abruptly raising her head and turning to look at me grabbed my attention. She paused for a second as though looking for the right words to say, and then spoke.
“I know I’m not Yukina, but if you ever, um, want someone to talk to, I can help any time you want me to. I’m always depending on your kindness, so it’s the least I can do.”
With those words, I felt the worry and annoyance I’d felt just moments ago melt away, replaced by a warmth bubbling up throughout my body. God, I was so simple, wasn’t I, getting this excited over an awkward statement of friendship like that from her. But it was that awkwardness that was what I’d grown to love about Sayo, the way she was always so honest and genuine even when doing something she clearly wasn’t used to doing. In that moment, with Sayo next to me, even a future without Roselia didn’t seem quite so scary. I placed my hand lightly over hers on the armrest, hoping I could give back at least a little bit of the warmth her words had given me.
We spent the rest of the train ride back without saying much after that, but it was a comfortable, pleasant kind of silence. In the optimism of the moment, I felt like the distance between the two of us had closed just a little bit. After all, spring was the season of new beginnings, wasn’t it? Who was to say what kinds of new things might start to bloom?