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As the door slammed into the frame, it seemed as though the whole house shook with it. Levi clutched his head in his hands as stood silent for a moment. What the hell just happened? He walked as calmly as he could manage in his current state to the mini-bar in his living room. After pouring a glass of the amber liquor, he stopped to stare at the drink in his hands.
He sighed, “Fuck, this is exactly what he meant.” He forcibly slid the glass off the counter and it shattered against the cold, aged hardwood floors. He sunk to his knees as the unfamiliar sting of tears welled in his eyes. He had to be better, he needed to.
Life hadn’t always been so dark and blue for the young musician. Life had been cold and unforgiving, but it had been sweet and kind, too. His childhood was filled with traumas and nightmares that a novelist would kill to get the rights to publish. Levi knew more than anything that those plights were the root cause of his troubles now. If he had picked up a healthier way to cope, maybe…
Maybe he wouldn’t have just shaken his whole house. God, just thinking about him caused his soul to ache. How had things gone from so sweet and kind to so cold and unforgiving in the span of an hour?
Truth is, it had been so much longer than an hour; Levi knew this day was going to come. His reckoning. Maybe, that was why he always held part of himself back because the consistent, ever-present nagging in the back of his mind always told him he didn’t deserve the good things that happened to him. And, damn, if he wasn’t the best thing. He wasn’t ever going to get that ray of sunshine back; that was for sure. His heart ached and the tears continued to flow as he thought back on every happy moment they two had shared in the past year or so.
They had met at a bar, one where Levi was performing. The tall, lanky boy with cinnamon hair and ocean eyes crashed into him just as he was exiting the bathroom. “God, do you have to shit that bad, kid?” Levi grumbled angrily as he picked himself off the floor. His studded leather jacket, tight leather pants, and tattooed skin were a sharp contrast to the kid’s red zip-up hoodie, torn jeans, and raggedy converse. Said kid all but crumbled under the older male’s cold glare. He scrambled to his feet and muttered, “I’m so sorry; I don’t even know why I was running so fast.” He chuckled awkwardly as he held out his hand, “My name’s Eren, by the way.”
Levi’s half-lidded eyes seemed to become even more narrow, partially at the kid's unnaturally tall stature and the fact that he had the audacity to offer his hand. The musician had just washed his hands, like hell, he was going to touch some dirty, grubby teen. “Didn’t ask, Kid,” he replied, ignoring the kid- Eren’s outstretched hand. Eren attempted to play it off by running his hand through his hair, “Let me buy you a drink as an apology?”
“Maybe after the show,” was Levi’s terse response as he turned on his heel and headed for backstage. He hadn’t been talking to the kid who nearly football tackled him into next week for very long, but he needed to go over the setlist with his mates. He didn’t have time for the teen's antics. He never really planned to see the kid after the show, but fate doesn’t always work in our favor.
After an hour and a half long set of ear numbing rock and roll, Levi needed nothing more than a shot and maybe a line. Choosing to wait for the latter until he was back at his own apartment, he sauntered over to the bar, accepting the many congratulations and praises he received on the way. Ordering a shot of the strongest whiskey they had, which turned out to be Johnny Walker Blue, he sat back in his stool; he was grateful the bartender hadn’t tried to spark up any meaningful conversation. Levi wanted, no, needed, to get as drunk as he could tonight.
It seemed that his plans of being too shit-faced to remember anything were thrown out the window, or bar, as the same teen from before walked his way. Evan, was it? Levi didn’t remember nor did he care to. Before he could make his escape, the kid was plopping into the seat next to him, looking up at the singer with awe and amazement. Irritated, Levi snapped, “Didn’t Mommy ever tell you it was rude to stare?”
Breaking from his reverie, the teen should his head, “No, sir. Momma hasn’t been around to teach me for a while. Dad, neither.” The solemn look on this kid’s face was more than enough to tell Levi that the two had not simply moved away. No, his past was much darker than that; something about a tragic backstory always drew Levi in. Maybe it was his inner poet, songwriter, craving material for a new heart-wrenching top charter. His band was growing in popularity and after 2 EPs, his manager, a Captain America rival, suggested they put on an album and announce a tour. Their 450k followers on Instagram would surely riot.
Snapping back to the memory at hand, he recalls taking the kid, whose name he was reminded was Eren, not Evan, up on his offer. One drink turned to two, and two turned to five. He doesn’t remember much after stumbling out of the bar and into the Uber, teen in tow. If the kid could buy him a drink, surely he was legal and that was all Levi needed.
Levi woke up that morning with a killer hangover, likely due to the whiskey and the remnants of white powder on his coffee table. He had fallen asleep on the couch, but he could hardly remember even leaving the bar. How had he made it back home? The light snore he heard from the recliner to his left was all he needed. The singer snapped his head around so fast the room spun, but before he could confront the mop of brown hair, he was rushing to the bathroom, with a hand clasped over his mouth.
After puking up seemingly his entire stomach, Levi heard the soft footsteps of his guest. The teen leaned against the doorway and coughed awkwardly to get the older male's attention. “Are you feeling okay? Who am I kidding, if you feel even 1/5th as shit as I feel, I’m sorry.” He ruffled his hair and offered Levi the kindest smile he’d seen in years. How could someone supposedly so hungover, be so bright and loving? Levi’s eyes trailed down the kid’s bare body; his tan, toned skin was littered with dark, merlot colored marks that swirled around his neck and collar bones. Clearly, the two had a fun night, Levi just wished he could remember it.
Catching himself staring, Levi shook his head. “Shit doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. Sorry, kid, but uh, what’s your name again?” The kid’s eyes widened slightly before returning to their normal size, “I guess that’s not surprising you wouldn’t remember. Stop calling me kid, I told you like 10 times last night that I’m 22, and that my name was Eren.” Ah, right. This was the lanky kid who crashed into him at the bar, then bought him who knows how many rounds of drinks, then did coke with him? Levi shook his head; the kid standing in front of him seemed like a true golden boy, like he hadn’t so much as smoked pot, yet alone snorted a line or two. Though, judging by the marks on both Eren’s and his own body, Levi was beginning to think otherwise.
“Right. I’m gonna throw on a pot of coffee and hop in the shower. Do as you please, Eren.” Levi stated as he rose to his feet, flushing the pungent-smelling regurgitation down as he did. He shuddered as he washed it go down. How many mornings this month had he woken up this same way? It may have been easier to count the days he hadn’t.
As Levi pushed through the door frame, Eren followed him like a lost puppy, seemingly unaware of what to do on his own. God, hadn’t the kid ever had a one night stand before? Why wouldn’t he just leave?
Breaking the silence once again by clearing his throat, Eren took a step towards Levi. “I don’t mean to be bold, and I know its not my place, but you’ve got way too much potential to be wasting your nights doing that.” He gestured over to the coffee table that was still dusted with last night's activities. Levi’s face soured as he looked at the table and then back to Eren. “So what if I do a line or two to take the edge off? You did it all the same. Nothing wrong with bringing home a cute guy to get fucked up with and to fuck. Nothing wrong with doing whatever the fuck I want. Why are you still here, Kid? Didn’t I tell you get lost?”
“I never touched that shit, I left to freshen up and by the time I came out, you had made that mess not the table. And, you know what, actually, you told me to do as I pleased. I’m not fucking leaving.”
“Tch, and why the hell not?”
“Let me help you.”
“What the fuck makes you think I want your help? Or, even need it? I’m doing just fine, kid. I don’t need some one night stand, some brat with an attitude problem to swoop in and try and fix me.”
Eren cowered after hearing Levi raise his voice so loud; whether it was due to his hangover or something more, Levi didn’t know. “J-just let me stay. Let me at least help you clean up. This place looks like a tornado ran through.”
“Fine, clean. Do what you want, but be gone by the time I get out of the shower. I’m sure you can see yourself out just fine.” Levi huffed as he grabbed the pot of freshly brewed coffee, poured himself a glass, and walked into the bathroom. The door slammed behind him. Taking his time in the shower, he was sure to wipe off whatever remained of their late-night activities and allowing his tense muscles to relax under the scalding stream of water. By the time he turned off the water, the mirror was fogged and the walls seemed to sweat. He wrapped a towel loosely on his hips and sauntered out of the bathroom, a chill running down his spine as he left the sauna-like temperatures.
He’d half expected the kid to still be there, but alas, all he was met with was a cleaned living room and a note on his kitchen counter. Grabbing the note, he almost chuckled to himself as he read it.
“Levi,
I was serious about offering to help. I know we just met, but I loved the show and the time I spent with you after. If you ever need anything at all, text me. xxx-xxx-xxxx.
-Eren”
The teen's handwriting was messy in an almost endearing way, but like hell, Levi wanted to accept the help of a scrawny kid. He was almost 30 he could sure as shit manage his own baggage, thank you very much.
Levi was reminded of the throbbing in his skull, as his phone ringing pierced the quiet of his humble apartment. Groaning, he searched for his phone, finding it on the recently cleaned coffee table. Levi had never seen the table shine so bright since he bought it. Maybe the kid was useful after all. But, enough of that, he needed to get his phone to stop making such an incessant screech. Glancing at the caller ID, he realized it was Erwin, his manager, the one call he couldn’t blow off.
He answered the phone with a sharp, “What?”
“Levi!” The deep voice on the other end of the line yelled, “Where the fuck have you been? We were supposed to meet up at the studio 30 minutes ago! We need to go over the potential tour and album drop.”
“What the hell are you on about? Weren’t we meeting at 15:00?” Levi grumbled, but after peering over at the clock hanging above the doorway to the kitchen, he cursed under his breath. It was already half past. “Fuck, I didn’t realize it was so late. Give me an hour, I’ll be there.”
“Make it 30 minutes. If you’re not here by 4, I’m making Hange drive to your apartment and drag you out by your ear.” The mere thought of his drummer coming to his house was more than enough motivation for Levi to get this shit together. The last thing he needed was their overwhelming ability to never shut the fuck up, especially with his current hangover. “Fine. See you then.” He hung up the phone, and walked back into the kitchen, grabbing both an Advil from the cupboard and the pot of coffee.
He grabbed his clothes from the closet; opting for tight black jeans, a white tee-shirt, and his black combat boots, Levi was dressed and ready to go. Once he made it downstairs, he realized his motorcycle was still parked at the bar, which was a good 25 minutes away from his apartment. Sighing, he opened the Uber app, knowing he had no time to stop for his bike. He would have to hope that knowing the bar's owner would save him the risk of his Harley Davidson from getting a ticket.
The meeting itself was overall unexciting. The tour dates were secured and the album was finalized. Everything would be set to begin in two months, and Levi was indifferent to it all. Sure, he knew he had the talent, but really he just needed a stable income to keep up with his addictions. Cigarettes, booze, and coke costed a hefty sum each month. The time up until the tour was spent at photo shoots and meetings, ensuring that there was enough media advertisement and that everything would run as smoothly as possible. They were only touring up and down the east coast, so the tour itself was only meant to last 4 months, making about 18 stops along the way. He had been living in Philadelphia since he was old enough to be on his own, and was honestly a bit excited to explore new towns. Find someone new to take home each night, and if he was likely, something new to get him high. It was the life of a rockstar and boy, did he live it the fuck up.
~
What really threw Levi off guard was seeing the familiar mop of cinnamon brown hair at the first stop on their tour. They were playing the Electric Factory in his home town as a means to kick off the tour, and standing their front and center as he walked on stage was Eren. It had been two months, and the kid was still coming around? He’d stayed for the entire show and was actually enjoying the music. He seemed enveloped into every melody, harmony and guitar rift that Levi had to offer. Levi had never cared much for fame and popularity, but for some odd reason, he enjoyed seeing Eren mouth the words to the songs. That was something he never would have expected.
What threw him off, even more, was the kid inviting him for drinks after his set. Despite deciding a long while ago that he would keep his one night stands, just that, a meaningless, but good fuck, he found himself following Eren to the bar that night. Levi would tell himself later that it was because Eren had offered to pay for their rounds that night and that he was never a man to deny a free drink. But something else, something deeper, seemed to be motivating him as well. He offered to pay, and Levi was never a man to deny a free drink. After a good many drinks, the two yet again, wound up in a mess of each other’s bodies that night.
It became almost a sure thing that he and Eren would end up tangled in the sheets after a concert. Levi began to learn things about Eren that he never would have expected from the young man. As they shared stories about being arrested, bouncing around from foster home to foster home, and showed each other their scars from long-forgotten nights, Levi began to shed his persona of indifference. Somehow, the lanky teen had turned from a boring, one night stand into a man with depth and a past that would make Jesus weep. Somehow, that same man had wormed his way past Levi’s carefully constructed walls and was now sharing his bunk on the bus as they toured the East Coast. Somehow, Levi was actually thinking about the future.
Of course, however, all good things must come to an end. They had begun to fight at the end of the tour. Eren began to grow more and more persistent about Levi getting help. To which, Levi would consistently respond that he didn’t have a problem and he could stop if he wanted to. But the problem was, he didn’t want to. Despite knowing how well things were beginning to develop with Eren, he couldn’t shake his demons. Drugs, drinking, and sex had been his coping mechanisms for years, long before he met Eren, and he’d be dammed if anyone thought they could just take that from him.
Levi had been let down time and time again. His father, his uncle, even his mother, they had all let him down, and the only thing that remained, the only thing that ever was around to catch him from falling was drugs. Sure, he knew it would probably kill him one day, but death wasn’t something he feared. Hell, he welcomed it some nights. Eren, as amazing as he was, just didn’t understand that being drunk and high off drugs and orgasms were the only thing that numbed the pain he felt and quieted the storm in his mind.
That same fight that they had time and time again was what brought them to their fight, back at the apartment. The one that left Levi crying on the floor surrounded by broken glass and spilled whiskey. He couldn’t tell you what made that day, or that fight special, but it was enough. He had always assumed that Eren’s love and affection were infinite, that no matter what he did or how much they fought, Eren would always stay. But this time, when he slammed that door behind him, somehow, Levi knew that would be the last time he saw that cinnamon hair and ocean eyes that took his breath away.
He couldn’t tell you why it had taken this particular fight for him to realize how important Eren was to him, nor could he tell you when he fell for the young man, but he knew he had. Watching that door slam was yet another reminder that every good thing that ever happened to him, every person he cared about would be taken from him. He didn’t deserve any of the good things he experienced; they always had a time limit. Levi just wished that his time with Eren wouldn’t have been cut so short. He had hardly over 7 months with the kid, and yet, he knew that no amount of drugs, drinking and sex would fill the void he felt currently. Eren completed him in ways he never knew weren’t complete and fixed parts of him he had simply accepted to be broken forever.
He couldn’t tell you why this fight was his reckoning, why it was his wakeup call. He had to be better; he needed to. Shakily, he rose from the floor and was careful enough to avoid stepping on the shards of glass at his feet. He grabbed his phone off the counter in the kitchen and dialed a number he never expected to. After securing a date and time, Levi went to his bedroom and packed a few necessities. Despite his love for studded leather jackets, tight leather pants, and heeled combat boots, he knew he wouldn’t need that where he was going. It would be needing to don the rockstar look for at least another 60 days.
Rehab. The word had of years seemed too terrifying to even think, and for damn sure, it was still horrifying. But now, Levi was ready to accept the fact that he needed help. Something 6 months ago he had denied even thinking about. When Eren called him out on it, so abruptly in his apartment that day, he wanted to lose his mind on the boy, even more than he had. But thinking back on it now, if Eren hadn’t been so bold and so abrupt, the seed may never have been planted in his mind that rehab was an option. Without Eren, he wouldn’t have ever had anything to recover for. Without Eren, he had no reason to get better.
But now, as he was about to enter the rehab facility, he felt hopeful and thankful for the time he had with Eren. Even if he knew, he wouldn’t ever get that time they shared back and it was unlikely that beautiful loving and kind smile would ever be for him again, he was okay. That’s not to say the nagging voice in his head was quiet; no, on the contrary, it was screaming at him that this was pointless. He didn’t deserve to get better so he shouldn’t even waste his time. He should’ve known from the start that nothing good ever lasted and Eren was the best. Rehab was pointless; he was a failure and that's all he ever would be.
Sighing, he walked up to the desk, and hopefully, into the start of something good.
~
It had been a grueling 60 days, and after those days, Levi chose to stay an additional month to get through it. They had taken his phone most of the time, likely to distance himself from his social media and messages. They feared he would use it to help him get out and visit an old supplier. While he hated not being able to talk to his bandmates, he knew it was for the best. He knew himself, and he was certain if given the opportunity during those first few weeks, he would have hit up his old plug. He would have done anything to stop the chills and tremors that raked his body, the night terrors that plagued his sleep, and the exhaustion he felt down to his very bones. His whole body ached, craving just the tiniest taste of the high he once couldn’t live without.
After those first 60 days, he actually began to see a change in himself. The tremors stopped and while he still suffered from a nightmare here and there, he was beginning to regain his strength and mental stability. He chose to stay because while he hated the dreary white halls and fake smiles of the doctors and nurses, he grew friendly with his psychologist. The small, blonde-haired male with striking blue eyes was genuine when he offered to help him. The two worked through issues that weren’t even apart of his addiction. The therapist, a man named Armin Arlert, helped him work out new coping methods and helped prepare him for what he knew he was going to face once he left. There were going to be extreme temptations and Levi was going to have to be strong to get through it. There was no denying how hard It was going to be, but Armin assured that his bandmates and manager would be there to help.
Erwin and Hange had been Levi’s friends since college, well before he dropped out at least. Hange had always displayed an interest in starting a rock band, and after hearing a drunk Levi sing at an open-mic, the two had become inseparable. Levi would bitch and moan about their antics and her obsession with science and anything weird, but he wouldn’t trade their friendship for the world. They had been the one who introduced Levi to Erwin. While the man wasn’t exactly the most musically inclined, he was a strong businessman, who offered to manage their little band once it took off. After posting a few flyers around campus and bars across town, they managed to find two other members. Jean Kirschtein was the first. He was a bass player and had a killer range for harmonies. He and Levi got along well enough and the two often would play together late night in their dorm rooms. The other member was Mike Zacharius. The man was practically a giant and stood well over a foot taller than Levi, which left him extraordinarily pissed off. However, the man was killer on the piano and could pick up a guitar when need be. Together, the four of them, five including Erwin, made up The Scouting Legion. A makeshift, rag-tag rock band that managed to create some killer songs. They became the family that Levi never had growing up and he was thankful for them. Though, even after rehab, he sure as hell wasn’t going to admit that to any of them.
Armin had suggested to Levi that he take his innate talent for song-writing and use that as part of his coping mechanisms, even if the songs were never recorded and played for an audience. Being able to pour his soul out and put his energy into something non-toxic was something Levi would have to get used to, but he was tired of writing songs about rage, drugs, sex, and drinking. It was time he wrote about something that held more depth than just him screaming about his fucked-up childhood. That’s what led him to write his newest song, a ballad.
The day he left the facility, he was welcomed home to his bandmates and a deep cleaned apartment, completely void of any alcohol or drugs. His mini bar had been converted into shelving that displayed photos of Levi and his friends that he didn’t even realize he had ever taken. It was a kind gesture and he was happy that the bar was no longer there to tempt him. It was that night, after they all had left, that Levi sat down to write his latest song. He did just as Armin said, and he poured his soul into the song. It was sad as can be, but the ballad helped him work through another trauma he had to endure, losing Eren. He titled the ballad Dreaming With a Broken Heart, and planned to showcase the song at their next gig.
Levi wasn’t quite ready for touring, but he needed to get this song off his chest and say the words he was never able to say in the past. He owed it to himself and to his lost love. They all agreed to play at the bar where Levi and Eren met. Of course, they were all wary of the alcohol served there, but Levi assured them he would be fine. He needed this. It would provide him with the closure he needed at the same place it all began.
When they first heard the song, they were all a bit shocked to hear how vastly different the song was from their old sound. Jean even joked that it should be sung in a quaint coffee shop, not a bar filled with classic rock. Levi smiled softly, a rare sight, and told them they would still perform their old stuff, he only had to sing the song once. He feared if he sang it too much, it would lose its meaning.
So, the weeks came and went, and then suddenly, it was the day of their last gig, for who knows how long. Levi was pacing back in forth in his living room, so much so that he feared the hardwood flooring would have sunken in from the wear of his trending. He anxiously stared at his phone, debating whether or not he should send the text. After finally plucking up the courage, after a good 30 more minutes of pacing, Levi pressed his thumb to the screen and hit send. He sighed, partially out of relief and partially out of acceptable; it was done. The person on the other end would either receive the text and ignore it or follow its simple instruction.
“The bar we met. Tomorrow @ 8pm. Please, be there. Please, it’s all I ask for.”
What Levi really wanted was a drink, but he knew that wasn’t an option anymore, so he settled for a cup of tea to calm his nerves. After watching a bit of a movie marathon that his thoughts kept him too occupied to really pay any attention to, Levi finally felt drowsy enough to try and get some rest. Tomorrow was sure as hell going to be draining.
That next morning, Levi awoke after a restless night of sleep; his insomnia plagued him and dreams of ocean eyes and kind smiles filled what little sleep he managed. He didn’t even want to look at his phone, but he willed himself to check his messages. No response. Only a little time stamp that stated “Read 2:13” was found. Levi tried to ignore how that tiny phrase managed to make his entire heart sink to his stomach. He felt just about as nauseous as he did that first morning after meeting Eren. He sighed deeply and made his way into the kitchen. It was already 11:00, only 9 hours until he was set to perform. He prayed to whatever higher power above that he would be there, but he knew God wasn’t so forgiving.
After making a small breakfast consisting of eggs, bacon, and black coffee, Levi made his way into this shower. Even if he might not be there, tonight would be the first night his fans saw him after his mysterious almost 4 months-long hiatus. He needed to look his best. In the shower, he shaved every inch of his body, subconsciously in hopes of seeing him, but also so that his tattoos would be most visible and prominent. After stepping out of the shower, he stared at his reflection long and hard. The bags under his eyes were still present, but after his long detox, they had faded ever so slightly giving him a more youthful glow. No one ever would have guessed that later that same month, he’d be turning 30.
Levi dressed for the first time in months in an all-leather outfit. The tight pants and studded jacket were a dark contrast to the white t-shirt he wore underneath. His combat boots shined in a way that made them look fresh out of the box. Donning a dark, tungsten chain, which he wore overtop his shirt, his look was complete. While he loved the grunge aesthetic, he chose to forgo his typical eyeliner and painted nails. He wanted to feel a little more personal, a little more like himself when he sang the ballad. Levi was going to the only one on the stage, playing Mike’s piano as he sang. It would surely be terrifying, baring his should to a crowd that would never expect him to have any emotion, let alone one so depressing. But, he knew this was going to give him the closure he needed.
Finally, the time came where Levi had to make his way over to the bar to prepare for the gig. Butterflies danced in his stomach and he fought nausea as he thought about the prospect of tonight. If he was there, what would he even say after the show? Would he even stay till the end? Levi’s mind raced with what-ifs and he was certain he was either going to pass out or throw up. He had never felt so nervous before a show before. Though this was the first show in a while that he hadn't been doped up or drinking beforehand, so maybe that was playing a role.
Once he stepped foot in the bar, he was struck by a wave of nostalgia that was both terrifying and welcoming at the same time. Even if he was drunk most of the time, he still had fond memories playing at the old bar. He had become good friends with the owner in his time spent there. Marco Bodt had a kind face, one that warmed the soul almost as much as the alcohol he served warmed the body. After being told Levi was going to rehab, the freckled man had been so proud of Levi and offered to help in any way he could. It was something Levi appreciated to no end. When they had brought up their plan for their last show, Marco happily scheduled them to play. It was a popular place, so being squeezed in so effortlessly meant the world to Levi and his recovery.
As Levi made his way backstage, the was met with the calm smiles of his bandmates. “Ready to do this?” Hange said with a goofy grin. “Not even slightly. I feel like I’m either gonna shit or throw up. That sound fucking ready to you?” Levi called back at her, and while his words sounded harsh, Hange laughed in response knowing there was no real malice in his words.
As they walked on stage the crowd of people cheered loud as can be, welcoming back their favorite group. They kicked off the show with a bang and played through most of the songs on their newest album and a couple older singles for the long-time fans. Everyone danced along and went nuts, thankful that the band was still together after hearing nothing but radio silence for months. Levi felt at home; performing was something he never realized he enjoyed so much until he spent 4 months wishing he was back on stage. It felt so good that Levi nearly forgot about what was coming next. He was going to perform the ballad solo. He prayed that he was In the audience.
As The Scouting Legion played their last song together, the other bandmates took their bows and began to filter out. A single spotlight shined on Levi, as his eyes searched the crowd, looking for him. His breath caught in his throat when his eyes locked with those oh-so-familiar ocean eyes. He nearly couldn’t tear his eyes away, but he knew that in order for him to properly perform the song he needed to make his way back to the piano. He played a couple keys before clearing his throat and speaking up.
“Hey! I hope you all are having a good time!” The crowd cheered and Levi waited for them to slow before talking again. “Now, I am about to seriously change things up tonight, and I hope that’s okay with you. You see, these past few months have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. I am sure you have all heard the rumors of me getting my ass to rehab, and I am telling you here and now that those rumors are true. To be honest with you, I fucked up some shit real bad with the only person who ever mattered to me. I wrote this song, as a way of helping me through that. I promise if you all don’t like it, you never have to listen to it again. I just really need to get this off my chest, and out of my mind and heart. So, you crazy metalheads, whose ready for a fucking ballad?” He had thrown in the last bit to keep up his stage presence; he didn’t need everyone thinking he had gone to therapy and gotten all soft. If anything he was stronger now, but that was beside the point.
As Levi sat back down, his fingers began to stroke the keys. He closed his eyes and sang.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was he really here
Is he standing in my room?
As he sang he thought about all the nights he woke up in a cold sweat, his hands frantically searching his bed, only to find that Eren was gone. He was gone and the sheets were cold. His apartment, in which he had lived for years, had felt so cold that not even the heat on 80 degrees could warm it. Eren had breathed life into the cold, grayscale home, and the day he left, the took at the warmth right with him.
No, he's not
'Cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The giving up is the hardest part
Levi thought about all the times that he wanted to give up both at the rehab and in the weeks leading up to tonight's show. He had done it all for Eren, even if he knew they didn’t have a chance anymore. But, god, it was so hard to not give in, and just say fuck it all.
He takes you in with his crying eyes
Then all at once, you have to say goodbye
Wondering, could you stay, my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
He thought about every time Eren would still care for him even after they fought. No matter how bad their earlier fights had been, Eren always welcomed him back into his loving and warm embrace. On that fated day, Levi never knew it would be the last time he got to see Eren up close. He would’ve fallen to his knees apologizing for everything he's ever done. He would’ve kissed his love until he couldn’t breathe. He would’ve made love to him so much so that he would never forget how it felt to have his body against his own or the sound of his name falling off his lips. He was forced to say goodbye without even realizing how much he needed to say goodbye.
No, he can't
'Cause he's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
Now, do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my, roses in my hands?
Would you get them if I did?
As he drew nearer to the end of the ballad, he thought about how many nights he laid awake thinking about anything and everything he could do to get Eren back. Or at least, to apologize to him and let him know that he was more than enough. He meant everything to Levi and he deserved to know just how cherished and loved he truly was, even if at the time, Levi could hardly recognize it himself.
No, you won't
'Cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part.
As the song came to a close, Levi simply bowed and muttered a small “Thank you” as he walked off stage. A chorus of cheers followed him as he exited and he had to brace himself against the wall to keep the tears at bay. He heard someone clear their throat above him, and he half expected it to be Hange trying to help him keep calm. What he didn’t expect was to be met with those same ocean eyes that he fell in love with and the same kind smile that warmed his heart. “Eren…” He breathed out. There was so much he had wanted to say, but it was as if he was robbed of all speech.
He didn’t have to say anything as tan, toned arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him into the most tender, emotion-filled kiss Levi had ever experienced. Their tongues danced as their bodies melded together. If Eren hadn’t been holding him up, Levi was sure he would’ve collapsed from the sheer overwhelming love he felt at this moment. As they finally both pulled away, gasping for breath and fighting back tears, Levi was the first to speak up. “Eren, I am so sorry for everything I have ever done to you. You didn’t deserve anything I put you through. You were the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I didn’t deserve even an ounce of the love you gave me. You were my everything and I’m so sorry I took you for granted. I love you so much and I-“
He was cut off by yet another mind-numbing, breath-taking, knee-buckling kiss. How could someone so pure and so kind be so forgiving to a man so cruel, cold and unkind? Levi couldn’t even begin to fathom it. He felt like he was dreaming, but Eren’s lips against his own were as real anything and fuck it, if he was dreaming, it was the best dream he had had in months. Eren broke the kiss this time, and Levi leaned forward on instinct truing to recapture Eren’s lips with his own.
There was that radiant smile again. Eren laughed at the older male in front of him and hugged him even tighter than before, “I forgive you. God, I forgave you the moment I walked out that door because I know how addictions affect people. It wasn’t anything you could help, and I’m sorry that my leaving you was your wakeup call. I love you still, so much.”
His eyes began to water as he spoke five little words that meant the world to Levi. He was never one for reading, and so he never really took the time to value words and their meanings. But on this night, he heard the most important and most valuable, meaningful words he'd heard in nearly 3 decades. They meant that Levi had a future, one where he was sober and had a smiling, ocean-eyed Eren by his side, helping him every step of the way. It proved that what he had gone through was worth it; everything had simply led him to this point, this exact moment in time. He damn near fell to his knees as Eren uttered the words...
“I’m so proud of you.”