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Eddie had been watching Buck pace up and down his living room for the last fifteen minutes, wearing a line into his rug as he ranted. He was angry and hurt, and Eddie understood why. He busted his ass for the 118, lived and breathed for the 118, and just when he was feeling hopeful about getting back to the 118, he found out his captain was the one keeping him away. Eddie could only imagine how much that hurt.
“And the damn tape over my name? How am I supposed to take that? What the fuck is that?” Buck had been gesturing wildly as he spoke; Eddie looked up from watching his hands to meet his eyes. They were full of fire, pain, and just a bit of moisture.
Eddie leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and spoke up for the first time since Buck started talking. “Now, hold up. That wasn’t the captain; that was Bosko. She kept getting mixed up. She left the B uncovered as a reminder that it was just temporary,” he told Buck before adding, “And she is temporary, Buck,” firmly. “No one wants her to stay, including her.”
Buck growled quietly to himself as he rounded the coffee table to collapse onto the sofa next to Eddie. He slouched all the way down and stared up at the ceiling. “Still don’t feel good,” he complained. Eddie didn’t blame him. It must have felt terrible, coming to the house to see his name covered up and a stranger in his role, especially since they had left him so quickly.
“I’m sure it doesn’t,” Eddie replied. He turned towards Buck, one arm on the back of the sofa and one leg bent up on the couch underneath himself. Buck was too close to turn towards without putting his leg up and he wanted to show him his full attention.
“Look, I get why you’re upset,” he started. Buck rolled his head to the side to look at him. “You feel ready and you miss home. I get it. But I don’t blame the cap, Buck.”
Buck’s face contorted with offense and he opened his mouth to argue, but Eddie ploughed on. “No, just listen,” he insisted. “Buck, we’re your family. We love you. We want to take care of you, look out for you. The captain is the same! He loves you and wants to make sure you’re taken care of. That means making sure that you’re one hundred percent before you come back, and I know you feel like you are, but he’s scared.”
Buck’s frown only got deeper, this time with confusion and a hint of frustration.
Eddie carried on. He knew if he didn’t, Buck would stop listening. “You know how awful it is to watch someone you care about go down, Buck, and he keeps having to with you. First with the truck, then at the party and after the tsunami…It’s scary and upsetting. And he doesn’t want to see it happen again. I don’t blame him; I don’t want to see it either,” Eddie told him earnestly.
Buck opened his mouth and reached out to reassure him and, though he accepted his hand, Eddie didn’t let him speak.
“No one wants to see you on any more gurneys, Buck. It’s too damn much,” he told him, squeezing his hand before bluntly reminding him, “You didn’t even tell us last time something was wrong. If you had, you wouldn’t have collapsed at the party. Which I’m sure just makes the Cap even more nervous. It makes me fucking nervous. How do we know you’ll stop and tell someone the next time something’s off? You get your mind set on something and you just go head first, ignoring everything else!”
Buck sat up, prepared to defend himself, but Eddie said, “You know it’s true,” and he sank back in defeat.
“It just makes everything even scarier, Buck. So I don’t blame the captain for being overly cautious. I don’t. I appreciate it, actually. We’ll all feel a lot better about you coming home knowing that you’re one hundred and fifty percent ready and cleared by everyone.” He dropped his hand from the back of the couch to Buck’s shoulder and squeezed. “It sucks, I get it, and you have every right to be upset, but you have to know that no one is trying to hurt you here, Buck. They’re trying to take care of you.”
He felt Buck’s shoulder sag under his hand and watched him look away and sigh. He obviously had no argument for that. The corner of Eddie’s mouth twitched up watching him begrudgingly accept that Eddie was speaking the truth. His twitch turned into a soft smile when Buck did the same in a quiet, shy voice, “But what if he never lets me come back?”
He gave his hand a solid squeeze. “That won’t happen. We miss you too much,” he assured him. Buck couldn’t help but smile at that. He turned back to Eddie and, for a second, they both just smiled at each other. Then Eddie added, “Besides…No one can handle Fire Inspector Buckley for much longer. Chim alone is ready to kill you,” and Buck threw his head back and laughed.
“Dude, I’ve had so much fun with that,” he admitted.
“We could tell,” Eddie replied, grinning. Much better, he decided. Buck seemed better. His posture had shifted into something much more relaxed and loose, like Eddie had lifted an actual weight from his shoulders. He sank deep into Eddie’s worn in sofa and chuckled to himself while Eddie watched and grinned. It was good to see.
They didn’t get to enjoy the levity long, however. From down the hall, a muffled cry interrupted their happy moment. Buck was up and gone before Eddie could react.
When he caught up, he found Buck kneeling next to Christopher’s bed with his son in his arms, shushing him quietly. “Shh, shh, it’s okay,” he was whispering into Chris’s hair while his son cried and muttered, “She was drowning,” over and over. Eddie sat on the edge of the bed behind Buck and stroked Chris’s hair as Buck rocked him.
Christopher hid his face in Buck’s neck and cried. Eddie and Buck sat together, holding and comforting him, until he eased away, sniffled, and said, “Hi, Buck,” in a small, raspy voice.
Buck couldn’t help but chuckle and Eddie couldn’t help but smile. The poorly timed greeting was just so like his boy. He knew his manners well. “Hey, Chris. How ya doin’, buddy?”
“I’ll get you some water, honey,” Eddie told Christopher then left him and Buck to talk. It was only thing he could think to do, since Buck was already holding him.
God, he just felt so helpless. He was his father, he was supposed to be able to chase off the monsters and make everything better, but he couldn’t do anything to save Christopher from his own memories. He didn’t even know what his memories were.
He came back with the water, but stopped just out of sight when he heard Christopher say, “I don’t want to make Daddy sad,” from inside the bedroom. His heart ached for his sweet, compassionate boy.
“Aw, buddy,” he heard Buck say sympathetically. He peeked in to see him pulling Christopher close for a brief moment before pulling back to look him as much in the eyes as Chris could to say, “You’re the sweetest kid, Christopher, but there’s nothing wrong with being sad. Everyone gets sad sometimes, especially when they miss someone. And he does miss her, just like you do. There’s nothing wrong with that either.”
As he said it, the pieces clicked together in Eddie’s mind. The dark haired woman drowning in Christopher’s drawings and dreams and his refusal to talk…He was dreaming about his mother. Eddie’s heart broke a little and tears rushed to his eyes.
Buck continued on, unaware Eddie was listening. “It’s okay to be sad and to miss your mom. But you two will be okay, all right? You will. Because you have each other. You’ll always have each other. Right?”
“Right,” Christopher replied and, out in the hall, Eddie smiled.
“You have to talk to him though, okay? You have to tell him when you’re sad and why so he can be there for you. Daddies are always supposed to be there for their kids, right? So their kids have to let them.”
“Very, very true,” Eddie said, finally slipping into the room. He sat on the side of Chris’s bed opposite Buck and carefully held the straw for him to drink without letting go of Buck. While he did, he added, “I’m always here for you, kiddo,” to Buck’s speech. “I love you.”
Christopher let go of Buck and Eddie quickly put the cup down to hold him instead. “I love you too, Daddy.”
Eddie held him until he pulled himself away, looked up, and said, “I keep dreaming that Mommy drowned, like the people at the pier.”
Eddie and Buck stayed there, on either side of Christopher’s bed for at least an hour, letting Christopher talk and reassuring him. They took turns rubbing his arms, petting his head, and giving him kisses while he was talking, silently offering him their love and support. They sat there until his eyes and head grew heavy and he started to doze off sitting up. They tucked him back in and gave him a hug and kiss each, then turned to go.
“Buck?” Christopher called before they got far. Buck turned back attentively. “Are Bucks always there for their kids too?”
“Of course, buddy,” Buck replied and Eddie could tell from his tone that Chris was tugging on his heartstrings. The question made Eddie’s heart ache too. So did his answer. “Always.”
“That’s good. I love you, Buck.” Christopher turned on his side, unaware of how his casual declarations melted the hearts of the two full grown firefighters standing in his room.
Buck had to clear his throat to reply, “I love you too, Christopher,” and even then, his voice was thick with emotion. Out in the hall, when the door was closed behind them, Eddie pulled him into his arms and said, “Thank you.”
He knew full well they were both crying. He also knew, for the first time in awhile, that everything was going to be okay. They would be okay. He and Christopher had each other and, now, they had Buck too. Everything would be okay.