Chapter Text
That goddamn statue. Pointing at her, glaring at her, judging her. It was always there mocking her monstrous existence; a constant reminder of what she always believed she was. Nothing. Nothing but a screw up who couldn't even handle listening to some professor across a room and writing the words pouring out his mouth without silently bursting into tears for at least a second! And there was that random hunk of rusting metal towering the tiny cat in the middle of this hell-hole. Her paws clutched to her books tighter, yet again, overwhelmed by the raw fear and pain from those rustic piercing eyes whilst she resisted the constant urge to let her eyes water.
"C'mon Mae, just stop looking at it..." Her thoughts hummed across her scattered head only managing to stare at it deeper, "God, no, just stop - please."
Her vision crumbled into blocks dissolving and reforming into shapes. Releasing the books from her grasp she latched onto her eyes and pressure built in her lungs, panic rising as fast as it usually did. Her breathing became rapid and legs becoming weaker as she began to sway on the spot. "Stopstopstopstopstop." Mae begged herself to just be normal for once as she swiped at her fallen books and bolted across the campus for her dorm, not wasting any time for people to (obviously) stare at her. She always felt them, but she never wanted this attention all pointed at her when she was like ... this.
It fuelled her intense need to seek some soothing solace that the dark cat now knew she very much needed. She barged into the door, fiddling with the keys as she desperately tried to yank the door, giving a few meek pulls before heading in. Mae rushed in, slamming the large door behind her, knowing all too well, that, once more, she let herself succumb to the deep void that was her shattered mind. Paws still placed on the door, Mae, finally unable to keep whatever was left of 'herself' together, released a rapid stream of searing tears. Closing herself on her body she slowly dropped to her knees, resting her head upon the wooden door; the wood darkening where tears connected.
Why was she so broken? She hated the fact that even after all the relentless therapy with good ol' Doctor Hank, she continuously failed to live her life the way she wanted to. She wanted to cope with her fucked-up brain. She wanted to complete college. She wanted to return home with a degree in her paw and be proud that she became something of herself. You're the first Borowski to go to college - Her mother's distant voice echoed in her head. She was such a disappointment. She couldn't stand to think about the look on her parent's face if they saw her wasting all the time and effort after her ... incident to get her here. It angered her. She hated how she never, in her whole life, didn't feel her parents took pride in their, unfortunately, only daughter, but who could blame them. If Mae had a let-down of a daughter like herself she would also regret having the damn thing in the first place.
God, she was so alone. She missed home, even if home felt lonely too. She pictured Gregg and Angus, her room, her old school, the trains. The dark cat spiraled down her thoughts as she reminisced about her former home only forcing her to completely collapse to the ground curling her legs up to her shaking chest; sobbing harder. Mae betted nobody missed her at all. Parents probably glad they don't have to care for such a freak, Gregg off living his life with Angus, probably forgotten all about Mae ... Geez, was that all the people she knew? God, nobody would actually miss Mae at all.
Mae wiped her eyes and glanced at the nearest clock: 4 in the afternoon. She didn't have any classes for a few days now. That relieved her a small bit.
After summoning what courage Mae had she placed a paw on the ground and lifted herself from the cold floor and sat on her bed only to just stare at the floor, not noticing her tears still running down her matted fur. She'd been contemplating whether she should go home, but that would mean abandoning all the plans her family had tried so hard to make. However, Mae was aware that she was getting fuck-all done, she was so tired of eating pizza every night, or no food at all. So damned tired of ... Mae's red and puffy eyes peered at the dark brown bottle, just barely visible through the luminous crack between the bathroom door. Mae, having already decided what she must do, got up and trudged to the bathroom and stretched onto her toes, swiping in order to get a paw onto the bottle. She brought the bottle down to her face and read "Cortex: Cough Syrup"
It was half empty.
She moved her attention to the item next to the bottle. A neat and thin box that now occupied her other paw as she placed the bottle onto the sink. Mae slid the contents from the side and pushed out a single pill and place her fingers on both ends and began to apply force - She stopped though and stared at the pill with intent - The dark cat placed the pill onto the sink counter and proceeded to push out another pill from its casing. Geez was she really doing this again? She needed comfort and bliss, right? Her already decimated red eyes began to water one more time. She needed to escape for a while. Just a while. Having all the items necessary in her possession, she journeyed back through her barren room, flopping onto the floor before reaching the comfort of the bed. She crawled until she could rest her head on the foot of the bed.
She couldn't believe she was doing this again. She was gonna die if she kept this up. College was killing her. Maybe this was why her parents convinced her college was sooo good, not only were they getting rid of her, they were getting rid of her permanently. "No! God's sake Mae you're parents love you, you asshole!" The cat slammed her thoughts with a firm slap to her face, generating more tears. The pain intensified. She howled at the pain she inflicted, not hesitating to just crack the bottle open and cup the pills in her paw and get this over with. The pills flew into her mouth and she brought the bottle to her mouth, lapping away at the purple syrup and it cascaded over her tongue and burned her throat.
Her arm lifted the bottle higher and higher, accompanied with her head tilting further and further back. A few sudden sobs caused the purple syrup to escape the corners of her mouth. She was such a mess. A mess of broken worthless dreams. She should just realise that she's going nowhere here and that her time here was for absolutely nothing at all and coming to an end in a heap of burning trash.
The effects were almost instant as she caught the last drop onto her tongue. She felt her vision blur and duplicate, her previously destroyed mind became woozy, limbs becoming limp and she let the bottle roll from her lethargic grasp across the room.
Geez, she was such a pathetic fucking excuse of a mess. The tears finally stopped and breathing relaxed into a comfortable rhythm. Her eyes closing and mouth agape, taking in air. She pictured everything she loved back home as she drifted to her artificial sleep: Her best friend, her parents, her home ... and she pictured something else? A happy and gleaming teal crocodile sitting in the middle of a classroom receiving a paper from their teacher; clearly happy with what was written on it. She pictured this crocodile showing the piece of paper to Angus. She was smiling. Isn't that Bea?
She had to go home. There was no way she could endure another agonising day stuck in this god-forsaken place. With her home in mind, she fell into the black abyss as sleep consumed her.