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Sarah knew the trouble she was getting herself in, when she ran away. Into the woods. To the castle. The castle the dark count had invited her to. There’ll be a midnight ball , he had said. A ball just for her .
Father would be furious when she’ll return. He’ll probably lock her up again. Longer than he had before. But she knew how to get out. She had learned by now.
At some point in her adolescence her father had decided to keep her out of sight of other men. Lustful men, he said. To protect her, he said. Not knowing Sarah had seen how he himself looked at other women than her mother. And at some point she had even figured out that he not only looked. She had seen him sneak into the maid’s room at night.
Of course nobody said anything. Her mother must have known but she kept it to herself. She kept quiet and still looked at her husband the same way she must have looked at him for all their time. Maybe now with a sadness in it. Maybe now it was more of a sad smile remembering all the happy moments long gone. She still loved him knowing he betrayed her.
When Sarah was a little girl she smiled whenever she saw her mother look at her father. Not when she scolded him for something, but when she thought he wasn’t looking. A little smile forming and a softness in her eyes. This, little Sarah had thought, had to be love.
Then, when she was in school, other girls were head over heels in love with some boys, telling her about that fuzzy feeling in their belly. The butterflies. Maybe it was them making people smile.
But Sarah herself never was in love. Maybe there wasn’t someone for her to fall in love with. Maybe she realized too quickly how love can hurt you some day. Like it hurt her mother.
This time would be different, she believed. The last days where so full of that fuzzy feeling she was told about. First the professor and his sweet assistent Alfred. Sarah had never felt something like that. She was unable to sleep that night for her thoughts were too occupied with the shy smile of a certain young man.
But then, there was the count. And suddenly the fuzzy-Alfred-feeling felt so meaningless compared to what the count made her feel. She couldn’t describe it. It was so new. So overwhelming. She wanted to be near him. Just like she did with Alfred. Yet completely different.
He promised her freedom but she had this urge to just let herself fall to him. To be everything he wanted her to be. Even if it meant breaking everything she was. It felt like she had to lose herself for him to find her.
She was running through the snow. The castle was near. She could feel it. She could feel his presence. He waited for her and she just had to find out what falling felt like.
She did not care how this would end. Whether he truly was her path to freedom or if he would lead her to ruin. She spend no thought about what kind of smiles she would give him after some time. She spend no thought about how the fuzzy feeling may fade. It could as well last a lifetime. She just had to fall.
And when she came to a stop in front of the castle, the dark count standing there, waiting for her, she finally fell.