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Cecil: Hello Nightvale. Before we get to the news, I thought I'd share some interesting developments on those tapes I shared with you last week. I found a box full of new tapes inside a ring of blood stones on the foot of my bed.
I asked the Faceless Old Woman who lives in my home if she put them there, and her reply was flipping my table and supergluing it to the floor, which I can only assume is her way of saying no. She left me a note, however, informing me that she is still running for mayor, and if you wish to hand in your ballot slips, she is squatting beside you, so just wave them arbitrarily behind you. Oh, she was very specific. You must wave them arbitrarily, otherwise... [shudders] Well dear listener, let's just say make sure the wave is arbitrary.
Okay, so back to those tapes. I put one of them on, I had no choice, as curiosity had literally killed my cat, and listeners, you will not believe this. In whatever universe, pocket universe, or regular pocket these tapes come from, Carlos, my most beautiful Carlos, with beautiful hair and who learnt to cook really nice Portobello mushrooms since our first date, met me in high school! Yes, high school! Let's listen...
-RECORDING START-
15 Year Old Cecil: Hello Nightvale. Cecil here... So the Nightvale Council sent out a formal request for us to record the details of our day in some sort of diary, because apparently small talk gives the secret police who are always listening a rash. So I thought, hey, I could use that really neat recorder my mom got me as a diary! I asked if that was okay, and she just screamed at the wall, so I assume that meant yes.
Anyway, something amazing happened today. So I was in class, and the teacher asked us to welcome a new member of the class, Carlos, a really cute guy with this AMAZING hair. I mean, it was so cool... And so guess what happens? [giggles] Yeah, the teacher told him to sit next to me! He is so smart and good at science! I mean, I like science, but Carlos is like, some kind of natural. He even tried to explain what an electron is. I didn't get the joke, but it was okay because he was leaning over me to write in my to explain, and he smelt of Christmas nutmeg and looked so cute when he bit his lip in concentration and his hair... I hope he's in more of my classes...
Oh yeah, I started an audio visual club today. I'm the only one there though, because audio visuals aren't considered a type of witchcraft so we can't be taught it in high school. Maybe Carlos would like audio visual club... *[sighs contentedly]
-RECORDING END-
Cecil: Well, wasn't that interesting listeners... Let's try this next one...
-RECORDING START-
15 Year Old Cecil: Hello! Huh. I wonder who I'm talking to, I mean I know that the Secret Police listen to these, I'm not stupid, but I don't know. I wonder why I'm questioning this... It might one of the side effects of those contacts... Oh yeah, that reminds me. I told Carlos, y'know, that really cute new guy with the beautiful hair, about that weird flickering that happens all the time, and he got his dad, who's a proper scientist, and got him to make these contacts. Carlos gave me these contacts and they stopped that immense, indescribable flickering... [sigh] He's so thoughtful... Anyways, he did say that side effects include questioning of reality and constant paranoia...
[a faint crackling in the background]
WHAT WAS THAT- oh. Just a hooded figure. He's sort of standing there, just buzzing and crackling. I also heard a miaow. He might have eaten the cat. It's understandable, the cat smelt of hummus and looked pretty tasty.
I asked Carlos if he wanted to join the AV club I set up, and he said he'd ask his dad. Between you and me, person listening, I think he might like me back! Ah... [happy giggle]
Wait, the hooded figure has turned to face me. It's levitating and crackling in a way I can only describe as... Humourless... Um, I'm going to go now, the figure is glowing with a mauve hue...
-RECORDING END-
[a howl is heard]
Cecil: Ah, it would seem due to the slightly static laced Beatles songs, and the copious amount of violently turquoise liquid flowing from Station Management's office, that they want me to talk about the news now. Okay then.
John Peters, y'know, the farmer, has registered a complaint to the Sheriff's Secret Police about a group of rowdy teenagers wearing bright blue goat masks running in his field and ruining his crop of invisible corn. Now listeners, I am not a heavily opinionated man, but I support the "Neither Seen Or Heard" policy that our Mayor, Pamela Wintchell, holds towards the younger generation, that she is so passionate about that she will literally gouge out her eyes and ears in the presence of anyone under nineteen and three quarters years of age.
Now listeners I apologise, I was trying to keep a sense of professionalism, but I need to check this, because I have an answer phone message from the lovely, flawless Carlos. Let's play it...
Carlos: "Cecil. I was just listening to your show, and thought your listeners should know that the invisible corn now has an immensely high radiation level, so much so it broke my Geiger counter. Tell the listeners to keep away, unless wearing a hazmat suit or an equivalent red fedora. There's something about those fedoras..."
Cecil: Listeners, that message was vitally important. He listens to my show! I mean, I never knew... Wow... Maybe that's a sign he is ready to commit even more to our relationship... Ah.. [sigh of contentment] Carlos...
Sorry, well that seems like enough news, at least enough to quell Station Management's rage induced seeping turquoise, so back to those tapes...
-RECORDING START-
15 Year Old Cecil: Hello... Person listening... Listener! Hi listener! I still have the internship at Nightvale Community Radio, and I showed Leonard Burton my tapes! He said I could have a career in radio, if only my voice became more high and grating, like his. I'll try my best Leonard!
Oh, back to the whole Carlos situation. He came to the Audio Visual club! I was so happy, I tried to keep myself calm, but there's something about him and his hair that just drives me... [shudders]
In AV club, we saw a hooded figure. We tried to take a photo of him, or her, or it, or both, but all that happened was the hooded figure bled ichor of an indescribable colour and the camera split into (according to Carlos,) precisely nineteen and a half pieces... It was a shame, the camera was really nice, it had seven units of resolution and only required the blood of three virgins to power it for an hour.
Ooh ohh! When he looked at the camera, he leant over my shoulder, and his breath smelt of vanilla and iron... I love that smell... Or, I think I do. I'll gaze upon the stone tablets in City Hall later to check.
-RECORDING END-
Cecil: [whispering] Okay, listener... It appears the radiation that Carlos was talking about has mixed badly with Station Management's turquoise, and has gained a form of sentience... It... Uh, it appears to want to talk to you, listeners... Well then, I would like to welcome the second sentient shade of colour we have ever had on our show, Mr Turquoise!
Turquoise: [an angry vibration is heard]
Cecil: Pardon? Um, I don't know if the sentient Turquoise can speak as of yet... As I seem to have no other option at the moment, I shall play another tape... Here goes...