Chapter Text
“M-miss…this doesn’t feel right…”
Karma woke up in a cold sweat. He hadn’t had that nightmare in ages; gulping back the hot tears that threatened to spill from his eyes, Karma got out of bed and made a beeline for the bathroom. Kneeling over the toilet, he dry heaved for what felt like hours before finally, a small amount of foul, sickly yellow fluid splashed into the bowl. Karma coughed and hacked for a while, trying to get the awful taste out of his mouth. After flushing the toilet, he threw his pajamas into the corner, taking great care not to look in the mirror as he turned on the hot water. Furiously he scrubbed at his skin, trying to wash away the lingering feeling of filth that dream always left him with. After he felt clean enough to leave the shower, he wrapped himself up in a towel. After drying off and getting dressed, Karma debated whether he could eat breakfast. Finally, he settled on a glass of milk before leaving so he didn’t have to work on a totally empty stomach.
The air outside was tepid and the humidity was through the roof. Dark grey clouds loomed overhead, threatening a storm later in the day. He sighed; he couldn’t stand days like this, especially having to hike all the way up the mountain in the oppressive humidity.
It wasn’t until Karma had reached his destination that he realized he’d forgotten to bring lunch. Dammit, he thought to himself, that stupid dream has me all shaken up again. He took his seat in the back of the room and hoped nobody would notice something was wrong. When Koro-sensei walked in he glanced at the red-head. His expression was unreadable as ever, but Karma had a feeling his teacher knew something was off. He avoided meeting his gaze, not wanting to get into what was wrong, especially with a teacher.
All was going as normal, the class was discussing a book Koro-sensei had gotten them to read, an American novel called Speak. Karma had gotten bored of the book and put it away less than halfway through. “I personally found Melinda relatable,” Okuda said, “I haven’t been through the same thing, thank god, but I can definitely relate with the social anxiety she feels.”
“I agree; there was just enough of a degree of separation to make this relatable for people who haven’t had the same experience.” Koro-sensei commented. Karma thought to himself that maybe he would pick the book back up when he got home. His stomach had started to cramp up slightly from hunger.
Karma bent over and rested his head on his arms when the bell rang for lunch and Koro-sensei, as usual, flew out the window to China for his meal. Other students around Karma chatted amongst themselves as they ate lunch. He wished he had something, but it couldn’t exactly be helped. “Karma?” The red-head glanced up and saw that it was Nagisa who was addressing him. He grunted in response. “Aren’t you gonna eat lunch?” the blue-haired boy asked, sitting at the desk across from Karma’s.
“Nah, I’m not really feeling it today.” Karma lied easily. Ever since his parents started leaving him alone at 10, on days like this he’d trained himself to lie so that the people he talked to wouldn’t worry.
“I’m sorry to hear that.” Nagisa said, opening up his lunchbox. Karma felt himself salivate at what he saw and smelled. Nagisa’s such an amazing cook. Karma thought. “Oh, does the smell bother you? I know when I’m nauseous the smell of food usually makes it worse.”
“No, not really. My nose is pretty weak.” Karma lied again.
“Okay, then.” The two continued chatting about this and that. About halfway through lunch, Karma began to feel exhaustion dawn on him. He was hungry and tired and his mind would not let that dream go. “Karma, are you sure you can stay at school for the rest of the day? You’re not looking so good.”
“I’m fine, really.” Karma lied yet again. He could tell Nagisa was growing less convinced by the minute.
“If you want, I could walk you home. You look really sick.” Karma knew that tone. It wasn’t an offer, it was a demand.
“If it makes you feel better.” Karma pretended to be annoyed, but he had to admit to himself that he was grateful for the company.
Koro-sensei returned through the window not too long afterward, plastic bag in hand/tentacle. He shuffled to Karma’s desk and placed the bag down. “Here you go, Karma. I noticed this morning that you forgot lunch, so I decided to pick up a little something for you. I wasn’t sure what exactly you’d like, so I settled on some instant noodles.” Koro-sensei noted the surprise on Karma’s face as he prepared the small meal. “I couldn’t let my student go hungry, now, could I? Just don’t make this a habit, young man; I paid for this with my own money, y’know.” Karma nodded silently as he accepted the cup and fork.
“Uh, thanks.” Karma muttered. It was like Koro-sensei said, just a cup of instant noodles, but somehow they tasted just right that day. He was nowhere near full when he finished eating, but he still felt that much warmer inside.
At the end of the day, Nagisa followed up on his intent to walk Karma home. As it always did, conversation came fairly easily between the two. When they reached Karma’s home, they noticed a moving truck outside the house next door. Karma hadn’t noticed his neighbors moving out, but he supposed he didn’t leave the house all that often aside from going to and from school so it wasn’t unrealistic for him to have missed it. “Are you sure you’re gonna be okay? You don’t want me to stay with you?” Nagisa asked.
“I’m sure, Nagisa. I can take care of myself.” Karma assured him. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Nagisa nodded.
“Okay, see you tomorrow.” The blue-haired boy waved before backtracking through the neighborhood to get to his own home. Out of the corner of his eye, Karma noticed who was moving in. He could barely mask his horror when he saw their face. There, helping the movers carry in a couch, was the very face from his nightmare. Or was it? Was it really her? No, it was just someone who looked like her. Even so, Karma could hardly stand it.
He dashed inside and made sure to lock the door before sprinting into his room. For the first time since he was 6 years old, Karma hid under the covers, using the pillow to block out any noise from outside. Before he realized what was happening, the sheets were soaked with tears and snot and he could hardly breathe. He was so fucking scared and so fucking angry. After all this time, this woman still had all the power. Karma threw the pillow across the room; what was once comforting was now suffocating. His whole body was wracked with each breath; all he could do was twist and writhe on the bed, hoping the panic would die down soon.
“Karma! Hey, hey, Karma, breathe, breathe in for 5 seconds with me okay?” suddenly Karma was being held by a bright yellow something. He tried to beat at it for a minute, but it kept assuring him that there was nothing to be afraid of and that he just needed to breathe. Finally, his mind cleared enough for him to do as the voice was saying. In…2…3…4…5…out…2…3…4…5… “There we go, everything’s started to slow down now, hasn’t it?” Karma looked up through his deep breathing and realized the bright yellow something was Koro-sensei.
“Wh…why are you here?” Karma asked, too overwhelmed to care how weak his voice sounded.
“I knew something was wrong today, Karma; my students’ well-being is my top priority, after all. Nagisa told me about his concerns as well, so I decided to come over to make sure you were doing okay after he dropped you off.” Karma nodded. Koro-sensei’s methods weren’t always the most orthodox, but at least he didn’t have to ride out his panic attack alone.
“Thank you, sensei. Really.” Karma got up, his legs slightly shaky. He hadn’t had an episode like that in years. “I-I’m feeling better now. You can leave.”
“Karma, I’m somehow inclined not to believe that.” Koro-sensei said, resting a tentacle on Karma’s shoulder. “You know if something’s bothering you then you can always tell me about it, right?”
“Just leave me alone!” Karma snapped, tears brimming his eyes. “Get the hell out of my room, damn octopus!” Koro-sensei backed up, knowing Karma had reached his limit.
“I’m leaving, I’m leaving.” He said, walking toward the window. After he’d left, Karma grabbed the pillow from where it was thrown on the floor, screaming into it. The wail was utterly cathartic, resounding through his chest in a way he hadn’t felt since he was a child.
Karma wasn’t sure when exactly he fell asleep, but it must have been early. He woke up on the floor of his bedroom, his face pressed into the pillow, and when he looked at his alarm clock he saw that it was 2 in the morning. Groggily, Karma stumbled from his bedroom to the kitchen in search of something for 2 AM dinner. Looking through the fridge, he found that the food that required the least amount of effort was some leftovers from the other night, so that was what he went with.
He sat down to watch some stupid online videos while eating his meal. He wanted to laugh a few times, but he couldn’t muster up the strength. He tried a few times to go back to sleep after his meal, but it was no good. As tired as he was, his body and mind wouldn’t let him sleep. He eventually settled on playing some music and reading Speak until he had to prepare for school. He wondered to himself if this is what high school was always like in America, and what it would be like to spend a semester there. Just one, maybe two. Maybe I’ll ask Mom and Dad to spend a year in America. He thought to himself.
Eventually, he found that he couldn’t continue reading. Melinda’s struggles with it were just too much. He slid the book into his school bag, going over ways to give the book back to Koro-sensei without raising further concern. Feeling a bit dirty, Karma decided to take a shower. He stripped off his clothes, his cell phone still playing Linkin Park’s Meteora distantly. The warm water felt good against his face, which was tender from the salty tears.
After the shower and getting dressed, Karma made sure to prepare some lunch before drinking a glass of milk in place of breakfast again. Karma took a deep breath before opening the door to leave for the day. Today was cooler than the day before; it was less humid, too, owing to the rain they’d had that night.
On the way to school, Karma felt himself growing ever more tired. He barely noticed in time that he was at his stop on the bullet train. Once he reached his desk, he realized a few other students were gazing at him tentatively. “Something you want?” he asked.
“Karma, we know there’s something going on.” Nagisa confronted. “You’re not acting at all like yourself. What’s bugging you?” Karma glanced around the room, conscious of the amount of people with their eyes on him.
“I’m just tired, that’s all. Been playing a new game, y’know; it’s just been taking up a lot of time.” Karma lied. Nagisa looked skeptical, but before he could continue the interrogation, Koro-sensei entered the room.
During that day’s discussion of Speak, Koro-sensei decided to try to encourage Karma to participate. “Karma, what did you think of Melinda’s relationship to it?” he asked. Karma struggled to hide how he truly felt about it.
“I think it’s unrealistic, sensei. Abusive people don’t just go out and hurt a random person they’ve never seen before like that; their prey is almost always someone they’re supposed to care for. It’s usually a parent who does it to their child, friend on friend, spouse on spouse, t-teacher on student.” Karma gulped. “The author should have written Melinda as being closer to it before the assault.”
“I see,” Koro-sensei said, “that would have added a touch of realism to the story, now, wouldn’t it? But you have to remember that there are cases of stranger on stranger assaults, and those do deserve recognition.”
“Also,” Karma added, belatedly thinking of something to add, “I hate how she acts so weak and pathetic all the time. She should be furious! She was attacked! She should be angry at him for doing it, at her friends for not being there for her, at the people who threw the party, everyone, she should be mad at everyone! She should fight back!” Karma was growing dizzy now, his face growing hot.
“Karma-” Koro-sensei tried, but Karma had flipped his desk before he could finish.
“Fuck this! I’m leaving!” The red-head stormed out of the room, not even bothering to collect his possessions beforehand. He slammed the door to the building with a loud CRACK before making his way down the path toward the train station.
Karma didn’t show up to school the next day, or the day after. He ignored the knocks on the door, pretended not to notice the yellow smiley face at his window. On the third day, Karma noticed a note had been slipped under the doorstep. Curiosity getting the best of him, he picked up the note; it was in Nagisa’s handwriting.
Karma,
Please come to school. We’re all worried about you. We won’t judge you or think you’re weak; we just want to hear the truth.
-Your friends in 3-E
Somehow, Karma couldn’t bring himself to disregard or throw away the note. He took it up to his room. He pondered the words sent to him.
Karma finally came back to school. He agreed to tell his story, but only on his terms. “First of all, I’m gonna tell it from my desk; everyone else has to be facing front. The teachers have to stay outside the room.” He said. “Second, I’m only gonna explain this once; I hate reliving this, so I’m not gonna talk about it again after this.” Karma took a deep breath. “So, here goes. I was born in America, and I lived in upstate New York until I was about 5 or 6. My parents love the multicultural nature of the US and wanted me to experience as much of the world as possible in the little space we called home. I can’t remember much about our lives there; the most I remember is going to a little restaurant not too far away and having some pancakes and going to kindergarten, but that last one wasn’t a good thing. The kindergarten was small; I easily stuck out because, even back then, I was outstanding at school. My teacher, uh, took a particular liking to me. It started off innocent enough, stickers and candy and stuff, then at some point the compliments started getting a bit less innocent. She would tell me how pretty my hair was, how handsome I was, how I would make a good husband someday. I was 5, so of course I didn’t question it, though, hindsight bias, but I think I had a feeling something was wrong. She also seemed to be touching me more and more; not necessarily inappropriately, but she was definitely more physically affectionate toward me than the other kids. She told me that I was special, so I just left it at that. One day, she told me to stay after class; she said my parents needed to get something done before picking me up, I found out later that that was a lie and she convinced my parents to have me stay after for extra lessons. She told me that while we were waiting for my parents, she would teach me a few things that only I could learn because…because I was special, I was smarter than the rest of the kids.”
Karma took a breath to compose himself before continuing, “That was the day I learned about sex. She told me about how amazing it was and how good it felt and…she had me feel her chest, she said that I would like it. I thought it was all so weird. She told me that I wasn’t allowed to tell the other kids and especially not my parents about what I learned. She said they just wouldn’t get how special I was. After that, she held me after class once a week for these ‘special lessons.’ After the first one, she started bringing extra sweets that my parents didn’t want me eating to the lessons; she’d tell me that this would be our little secret and that as long as I didn’t say anything she would continue giving them to me. Of course, I was 5, so I thought this was cool, even if the lessons were really weird. I remember feeling kind of bad about hiding all the sweets I’d been eating from my parents; they were never too strict about it in the first place, they just didn’t want me filling up on a whole bunch of junk food. Anyway, the lessons escalated; she showed me porn at some point, and took off her shirt as well. I still didn’t tell my parents because she just kept insisting that I was special and that I should be happy with all of this.
“At that point, I started turning into something of a wild child. I would throw the toys, pick fights, talk back, refuse to do the work, all that jazz. I guess I got it in my head that if I behaved badly then the teacher would stop holding me for those lessons, but it didn’t work. If anything, my behavior just made things worse. She started, um, punishing me.” Karma flushed, “This is the part I hate the most. It was when I learned the meaning of the term ‘humiliation’. Sh-she made me strip, and sit in her lap to do the work I refused to do in class, and while I worked she would… she w-would…touch me…‘down there’” Karma began to shake, “Once, when I was having an especially bad week, she slipped drugs into the sweets she fed me. I still don’t know what exactly she did to me; all I know is that when I woke up I was in bed and my parents told me that I must’ve tired myself out during our lesson.” He took a deep breath, attempting to regain his composure, “Of course, I was a kid, so it wasn’t hard for her to convince me that this was all my fault and that this was just my punishment.
“My parents had no idea any of this was happening, until one day I had to receive punishment at home. I can clearly remember it all; I’d been drawing with my mother, and I started to draw on the table for some reason. My mother told me to stop, and when I didn’t she told me that I would have to be punished. At that point I’d been conditioned to start taking my clothes off when told I would have to be punished; my mother was, understandably, horrified. She asked me why I was taking my clothes off, and I told her this was how punishment went at the lessons with the teacher. At that instant she told me to stay right there and put my clothes back on while she called my father. The two of them tried to press charges against the teacher, but there wasn’t any evidence found that she was guilty, and the American legal system is different from the Japanese legal system in that they assume innocent until proven guilty. Here it’s the other way around and she would have been sent to prison. In America, however, she got off with a slap on the wrist. If memory serves, the only real punishment she received was having to tell future employers that she had, in fact, been charged with a felony.
“Naturally, my parents didn’t feel comfortable staying in a country that so easily disregarded their son’s trauma; they’re not perfect, but they do love me, after all. That was when they decided to move us to Japan. I was very scared, as any child would be in my position. My parents told me that I was already so brave and that I had to be strong for them. So, that was when I started feeling so strongly about the idea of justice. I started speaking out about all the bad things people did, and it didn’t take long for that to escalate to fighting wrongdoers. I guess, at that point, I reached the conclusion that maybe if I keep fighting then one day I’ll be strong enough that what happened to me in New York wouldn’t bother me so much. You guys can see how well that worked out.”
The class had gone silent. There was a palpable energy of horror and shock among the students. Koro-sensei walked back into the room, trying to avoid Karma’s gaze. Karasuma lingered outside the room before heading back to the teachers’ office, Professor Bitch following him not long after. Karma silently stood up from his seat; nobody said a word as he left the room.
Karma took a deep breath once he was far enough from the old school to feel confident that there wasn’t anyone nearby. Somehow talking felt…good. It was painful to revisit all those old memories and he hated feeling so vulnerable in the presence of other people, but at the same time, he felt a bit like a weight had been lifted off his chest. Karma continued on his way, finding a new appreciation for the little rays of sunlight shining through the foliage of the mountainside.