Chapter Text
The request of wanting to be alone and uninterrupted unless an emergency broke out hadn’t been in vain, Suzaku decided, because he hadn’t had to talk to anyone at all that day.
He sat alone quietly in the room the Britannian Royal Family had designed specifically for Zero, listening to him when he told them what he wanted or didn’t want. Well, mostly it was what he didn’t want, but because Zero was ‘such an amazing person’, they gave him a lot of stuff anyway. The walls were painted vibrant and comforting purple and decorated with golden patterns. Probably because those were the main colours of the costume. The room also had a bathroom suitable for nobility, a grand bed with a lot of pillows, a computer, a television of the latest season and a closet for all of his clothing — which actually meant just the many practically identical outfits of Zero. As the masked hero, he never wore anything else.
The weird thing about his room was the fact that there was no mirror anywhere — even in the bathroom. It was actually the thing Suzaku had told them he didn’t want under any circumstances. Everyone always questioned it, but the answer was always either silence or an “I do not think I need one.” In truth, if someone had been able to read his mind, they would have found out the real answer to the ever-present question was “I don’t want to see the face of my best friend’s murderer, I’m sure I’d end up hating that person more than I already do.”
Even so, it wasn’t unusual for Suzaku to go through the three moments he had gotten his heart broken by Lelouch, because that way he could keep remembering him — even if it hurt, it ensured Suzaku never forgot. There were more times Lelouch had hurt him, sure, but only thrice had he been able to actually make Suzaku feel like his heart was breaking and shattering into tiny fragments.
Killing Euphie was surely the first one, he had no doubts of that. Back then he hadn’t known who the person hiding behind the mask of Zero was (even if he had had his suspicions), and so he had called Lelouch. Suzaku was getting ready to get inside his Knightmare Frame when he had told Lelouch not to look up at the sky and to tell the rest of the student council to do the same because he was about to commit a murder in the skies of Japan. Up until then he had thought killing someone out of pure hatred was wrong, but well, after seeing Euphie murdered in cold blood, his opinions changed. The worst thing about calling Lelouch was that he had completely agreed and actually told Suzaku to go and avenge Euphie. Maybe Lelouch had felt guilty? Or maybe he just hadn’t wanted to get found out. Possibly both.
Oh, how much it had hurt him to aim his pistol at the masked man and see the mask break into two pieces, revealing the face behind it. He had never wanted to find his best friend in front of him, that much was certain.
That had been the second time his heart was broken by Lelouch, both in one day. Afterwards Suzaku had dragged his best friend — although the term ‘worst enemy’ would have been more suitable at the time — in front of the emperor, the person responsible for most of the suffering that had turned Lelouch to choose the path of Zero. He had told the emperor he would betray even his friends to get what he wanted, and honestly, he didn’t want to know what Lelouch had felt because of his words. Betrayal, surely, but— no, he didn’t want to think about it.
He knew he had been an asshole, but back then his anger had blinded him, so when Charles had ordered him to keep Lelouch’s left eye covered and right one forcefully open, he had obeyed. He remembered how Lelouch had screamed at him, sounding so betrayed the slight shame in him became bigger and worse. Actually, now that he thought about it, it was something he had done twice, first when he’d found out the identity of Zero, second when he had dragged Lelouch there after he had somehow broken out of the mask of Julius Kingsley, the fake identity Emperor Charles had created for him. Suzaku still didn’t know whether he should be impressed or afraid of Lelouch for doing that, because the Emperor’s Geass hadn’t been a weak one, no.
Somehow he only now realised that back when he had kicked Lelouch down after almost shooting them all dead, there had been something resembling a smirk on Lelouch’s face. Just after he had thrown the liquid sakuradite away. Suzaku still didn’t know why, but maybe there too was a hidden meaning behind it, or maybe Lelouch had been so angry he hadn’t been able to control his emotions.
Both of those times were times Lelouch had done something unforgivable — or at least that was what Suzaku had convinced himself to believe, because he didn’t want to forgive him. Oh, how much he hated Lelouch, oh, how much he loved him, oh how glad Suzaku was he was gone, oh, how much he missed him and wanted him back. Sometimes the messed up feelings he had for Lelouch made him wonder if he ever truly understood anything about his dearest friend.
So, not understanding enough, Suzaku decided that in order to understand better, he had to go through some things Lelouch had left him, as well as the moment he had lost him forever. Maybe, just maybe, there was something important he had missed. Maybe somewhere there were signs he had dismissed as insignificant until now.
And because it would be the easiest thing to do, he indefinitely needed to see the video filmed on the day of the Demon Emperor’s death first. Suzaku cursed himself for wanting to do this. It meant he would have to watch himself commit the mistake he hated himself for doing, as well as see the day he regretted possibly the most in his entire life. But, because he felt like it had to be done, he walked out of his room to find what he was searching for.
Walking down the hallways decorated with purple and silver, Suzaku met Lloyd. After they greeted each other politely like two mature people employed by the Empress should, Suzaku asked Lloyd if he knew where the tapes recorded on the original Zero’s Day were.
Seriously though, Suzaku despised that name almost as much as himself.
Lloyd snorted amusedly as he understood the question asked.
“Well, Zero, why would you need to find the video of the day you killed the 99th Emperor? Isn’t it considered a bit rude to watch him die again just because you can? Sounds quite mocking if you ask me”, he said with a smirk on his face.
Suzaku wanted to groan out of frustration but stopped himself right on time. He couldn’t be caught doing such thing, but no one could really judge him for crossing his arms on his chest because Lloyd annoyed him. Thankfully, the scientist shut his mouth upon seeing how irritated the masked man was. Suzaku suspected it might also have had something to do with the fact Lloyd had made it out alive from the prison Lelouch had locked him in thanks to ‘Zero’.
Actually, now that Suzaku thought about it, he realised he wasn’t sure whether Lloyd knew who the face behind the mask was. Lloyd and Cécile both visited his ‘grave’ every month, if not weekly, but because Lelouch had mentioned Zero Requiem in their presence a few times, maybe they knew. Maybe they knew and pretended not to, because in reality they were both smarter than anyone ever guessed.
“It shouldn’t be your problem in the slightest, now should it? How about you just tell me if you know where it’s placed.”
Lloyd huffed but gestured at the library behind him.
“The library? Are you sure? Why would it be kept at the royal li— of course. Thank you, Earl Asplund”, he said nodding lightly as his thanks and walked away.
Of course it would be in the library, where else? After all, if there was a legitimate document of one of the members of the royal family, no matter how popular or not they had been, it was placed there. Suzaku felt dumb because he knew full well the videos, recordings and newspaper articles were there. He too had visited the place a few times during the time he’d been the Knight of Seven.
He hoped he wouldn’t run into more of his old colleagues.
But, like always, it was just his luck to do just that, because when he entered the place, Gino was standing there right next to the language section of the library — so in front of the entrance. How great.
“Oh, Zero. Hello. What are you doing here?”, Gino asked, a hint of bitterness echoing in his voice. Suzaku guessed it was for the fact Zero had ordered so many deaths, which had also resulted in many of Gino’s comrades and friends losing their lives. It was likely, because Gino had (hopefully) no idea the Zero behind the mask back then was Lelouch, and now… Well, it was Suzaku, Gino’s supposedly dead friend and someone who fought against the first Zero.
How great, indeed.
“Lord Weinberg. Am I not allowed to visit the library now?”, Suzaku asked with an entirely pretentious amused tone. Somehow Gino managed to get on his nerves even after all this time (not that it was this bad before, back then the blond knight had just been overly friendly), and now he succeeded in it in an entirely new way and level. How even, he didn’t know.
Gino tapped his foot against the floor, and expression turning harsh he replied, “You never come here. And besides, you are heading towards the section where they keep the documents of the royalty, which, to me at least, looks like you wanted to come to study how to overthrow them again. If that’s the case, I will not let you go.”
Just when Suzaku was about to ask how he knew where he was headed to, Gino tapped the screen of his phone with his nails and showed the message he had gotten from Lloyd. It was about his meeting with Zero, although Lloyd didn’t seem to be worried in the text, more like amused. That’s Lloyd for you.
“G— Lord Weinberg, do you really have to assume the worst of me? It’s not like I’m always planning a rebellion, or worse, a revolution.”
Christ, he was still having problems with calling the people around him by their proper titles. He almost called Gino by his given name, just because calling him Lord Weinberg sounded weird to him. Same was with for example Lloyd and Nunnally, because Suzaku had to call them Earl Asplund and Her Majesty Nunnally vi Britannia (or, for short, Her Majesty). The problem appeared with others too, but it was the worst with those he knew well over a decade ago. All that just because he had to stay in his role, but Suzaku knew he would never ruin what he was doing because he felt if he did that, he’d betray Lelouch once again. Betraying his dead best friend was one of the few things he had decided to never do again.
“Yes, I do. You did lead a rebellion against Britannia just a decade ago and then killed the 99th emperor. While it’s good that you did, you still killed the emperor. What’s to say you won’t kill Her Majesty as well?”
Suzaku sighed behind his mask, but answered anyway.
“I’ve sworn to protect Her Majesty Nunnally with my life. Anyway, I am here to find the video of the late emperor’s day of death. How is that supposed to help me with whatever you thought I was planning on doing?” Suzaku wasn’t sure why he was telling this to Gino, because he really didn’t need to, but oh well. He watched Gino’s expression turn from a bitter one to half-mocking, half-annoyed one.
“Now, why would you want to see the day you murdered the Demon Emperor, Lelouch? Do you just want to laugh more at how great you did?”, he asked, voice dripping with sarcasm. It surprised Suzaku, seeing as he thought the knight wasn’t even capable of sarcasm or anything like it. Gino grabbed Suzaku’s arm, not wanting to let go in case he was going to try and do something suspicious.
“No. I was planning on watching it to see if I missed anything significant on that day due to only seeing things from one perspective. Let me go, Lord Weinberg”, Suzaku said, hoping he could just go now. He really wanted to see if there was anything he should’ve noticed but missed anyway, and preferably within the same day.
Gino huffed in annoyance but let go of his arm and moved to the side so that Suzaku could move past him. The masked man was pretty sure he heard the other mutter “fine, I hope you find what you’re searching for”, so he answered “thank you, Gino”, with a quiet tone. The problem was that he did it as himself (meaning he forgot for a second he was supposed to be Zero), and only realised his mistake of calling Gino by his given name instead of his title after a few seconds. Hopefully the knight didn’t catch on it. Suzaku glanced behind only to see Gino standing there watching him, mouth hanging open, a disbelieving and shocked expression on his face. He did catch on it. Damn it.
“Gino? Wha—?” He was just about to start questioning Zero, but he’d left all of a sudden, hurried away. Gino was fairly certain he’d find the masked “Knight of justice and truth” in the vi Britannia section, but decided to leave it as it was for this once. The next time, however…
Suzaku fled from his friend without really having all that great reason for it. He guessed he just wasn’t ready to have an actual talk with any of his old acquaintances or colleagues besides Nunnally. If he recalled correctly, Lelouch had once told him that as he gained his geass he accepted the life of solitude, and then, a week or so later, told Suzaku that once he accepted the mask of Zero, he too would have to walk the path of loneliness. After all, who would want to befriend someone they didn’t know anything of, not even their true appearance?
When he finally reached his destination, he immediately started looking for the video. Because Suzaku hadn’t been there more than once or twice, thrice at most, and even then with someone else, he didn’t really know whether he should find the place videos were placed or if the documentaries were arranged alphabetically. He decided on the latter, so he tried to find where “L” and “Lelouch vi Britannia” were in the shelves.
It was unlikely that the young emperor had been named the “Demon Emperor” here, because it wasn’t his official name. Everyone just happened to call him by it. Which, now that he thought about it, could have just as well been his official name. Suzaku was pretty sure that almost every single citizen in the entire world called him a demon, because even Lelouch’s own siblings did (well, aside from Nunnally who had understood everything her brother did and loved him). Often. Only around Nunnally did they try not to call Lelouch that for they all knew how the young empress — their little sister — had loved him and still tried to take her time to mourn him sometimes. Especially Cornelia cared about the young woman a lot, so she tried to be considerate towards her even if she personally hated Lelouch.
He kept going through the seemingly unending names on the shelves stacked with different books, newspapers, folders, and recordings, until he finally found the one he was looking for. Sure, the video itself was put under the name “Lelouch vi Britannia, the 99th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire, death”, but it wasn’t where the rest of things about him where placed.
It was really placed under “the Demon Emperor”.
Suzaku was truly shocked, but as he examined the tag, he realised it was handwritten and its edges stuck out the edges of the shelf, so someone had been in a hurry. Because of that, he came to the conclusion that someone who had access to the library, paid no mind to the still mourning young Empress and held a grudge against the late emperor was to be blamed. It immediately ruled out the entirety of the royal family because none of them wanted (or bothered) to go out of their way to get petty revenge on a dead person.
Well, it wasn’t something for him to take care of, so he just borrowed the video. As he left, he reminded himself that he still needed to try and avoid Nunnally, Cornelia, Schneizel, Gino, Anya, Cécile, Lloyd and— well, pretty much every single person in the palace, because he decided that talking to two people today had to be enough.
When he returned to his room, he turned the television on and put the CD in it. It was likely there was a version of it online as well, but it would be extremely difficult to find because Nunnally had decided that people shouldn’t just watch it all the time. It was also because the feelings showing and changing on the young Empress’ face weren’t something the people should catch on — after all, Lelouch was a demon the Empress hated, or, so the masses thought. Sure, around the time of Zero’s Day it was played to students in middle schools and up, as well as for adults in workplaces, but that was a special occasion, and happened only once a year.
“Glory to His Majesty Lelouch! All hail Britannia! All hail Lelouch!” was how the video began. The voice was clear, so he guessed it was recorded by the TV station. Neither the clouds on the sky or the calm breeze were telling that something world changing was just about to happen.
This was the part of the happening Suzaku had never gotten to hear all those years ago because he had been hiding until it would be his turn to act his part. He had been trying to convince himself this was something he just had to do and a great way to avenge his beloved princess, Euphie, even when he knew she wouldn’t want this. It took his all to assure himself it was the right thing to do and that he could do it. Lelouch was a demon who needed to be punished, even if Suzaku wanted to keep his friend alive.
The sudden indefinite sounds and shocked yells coming from the recording interrupted his train of thought. He focused on the video again and saw the Knightmares that had stopped. Suddenly there were two perspectives going on, one camera filming and showing Lelouch, while the other was recording ‘Zero’ who had just made his appearance. Zero stood proudly, for a second looking like there was nothing strange happening, as though it was all scheduled (it was). He heard a voice that sounded like Lelouch chuckling inside his head because all was going according to his elaborate strategy.
The first video still showed Lelouch, and how his expression was slowly becoming terrified as well as shocked. It reminded Suzaku how great of an actor the other boy had been — although he had never really forgotten, which was given considering how well he had made others believe he in fact wasn’t Zero. Even Suzaku had believed him for a moment.
At the same time in the other video ‘Zero’ started running towards the emperor, and, as though a miracle had occurred, he managed to dodge every single bullet the knightmares has shot at him. How none of the people who had worked either with or against him had realised who he was, he didn’t know. Suzaku had even jumped over the knightmares which was practically something only a superhuman or Suzaku could do.
He was kind of amazed at how he had been able to do it all, because knightmares weren’t an easy thing to avoid without one. What was even odder was that Suzaku hadn’t realised it until now that he might’ve died just there at that point. He and Lelouch were insane for thinking it was a good idea. Maybe he’d survived because Lelouch had geassed the people controlling the knightmares to miss and not kill Zero when they saw him.
Or, maybe he’d survived because of that irritating “Live!” Geass Lelouch had cast on him.
Seriously, what had he been thinking? Probably that soon his dearest and first friend would die in his hands. How sad, really.
Then, Jeremiah had ordered the knightmares to cease fire, to “take care of ‘Zero’ himself”, as they had agreed to do. To the eyes of an outsider it probably didn’t make much sense, but Jeremiah was one of the most competent soldiers in the army, and that would make everyone think he actually thought he could stop Zero. Of course, that wasn’t the case, as Jeremiah was supposed to not really try at all, because Suzaku was needed to take care of the act and play his role until the last scene, until the curtains were closed. ‘Zero’ had only jumped up and used Jeremiah as a stepping stone. It was kind of amusing to think they were on the same side, when only a year ago Suzaku had been (falsely) accused of killing Prince Clovis. Back then Jeremiah had been taking the boy to the trial, where he would have most likely gotten a death sentence.
As he landed in front of Nunnally, the girl tried to back away as much as she could in her shackles. Well, it wasn’t very surprising, there was a man who had tried to kidnap her a some months ago (even if it had been Lelouch and not Suzaku). Suzaku never stopped, and kept going until he reached the young emperor.
“Fool!”, Lelouch had yelled. He had taken his gun out from under his Emperor’s robes and aimed it at Suzaku, but of course, as the script they had written said, Suzaku was quicker and hit it out of his hand with his sword. It was all an act, a play, planned to a T, from the first scene to the very last second, a genius scheme made by Lelouch himself. The gun had flown far from Lelouch, down the platform, and because ‘Zero’ was in front of him wielding an enormous (ridiculously pink) sword, everyone understood trying to get the gun back would have been an act of a fool.
Suzaku remember how the sword in his hand was heavy, even heavier than it should have been because of the guilt and certain knowledge of what was going to follow. The only thing harder to keep up had probably been his chin. Zero was the saviour of the world, the one freeing everyone from the tyrant emperor, he wasn’t supposed to show pity towards his target. Suzaku watched as his ten years younger self took the position he had practiced a lot, only to ensure he could pierce his friend’s chest, without having to care about the possible tears that would flow down his cheeks or how he was feeling. The video didn’t show it because Suzaku’s back was in the way, but he remembered clearly that Lelouch had smirked. After all, his plan was coming slowly but surely to its end.
Then he heard — and saw — something he most definitely did not remember from the actual day. Kallen yelling, both face and voice twisted somewhere between fear, pain and something else he wasn’t quite able to recognise (maybe hurt? After all, she had cared for Lelouch despite everything he had done), Nunnally’s panicky cry, Rivalz trying to shout something, looking like he was about to jump down to save his friend, Ohgi’s yell. The video showed Xingke closing his eyes, as well as Empress Tianzi turning her head away as to not see anything. She had been only 12 anyway, so it wasn’t surprising at all. Then he heard a bit softer, frightened voice saying — screaming? — something along the lines of “No! Lord Zero!”, which he supposed belonged to Kaguya. Suzaku had no idea whether the girl was yelling at ‘Zero’ or Lelouch, though. Tamaki was yelling as well, but if he wasn’t horribly wrong, the same guy tended to yell practically everything, so it wasn’t even surprising. What was surprising was the fact that so many people — who just so happened to be Lelouch’s enemies and were supposed to be executed at any moment in front of millions of sets of eyes — looked like they were panicking and sorrowful because Lelouch was in danger.
The video brought the image of a smirking Lelouch back to his mind. Suzaku couldn’t comprehend how the raven-haired boy had been able to smile — had dared to smirk — even when he knew his demise was just seconds away. Then the sword pierced his heart. The pain forced a choked sound out of his mouth, hurting Suzaku as well. The cape Suzaku wore around himself had flown gracefully around him. Suzaku felt like it was the only purpose it had, to be overdramatic and yet graceful.
Then, it was like everything and everyone in the world had gone silent. Either it was that, or then Suzaku’s brain silenced everything around him to prevent some of the pain from reaching him yet again. Apparently his own mind decided that even after ten years he wasn’t ready to face everything.
Suzaku recalled the tears that spilled from his eyes and then kept overflowing, probably because his eyes were burning with tears once again. Well, at least this time he was crying less. As he tasted the saltiness on his lips, he remembered the way Lelouch’s name spilled from them. He also remembered the words Lelouch told him. He treasured those words because they were the last Lelouch had ever directed at him, even if they were sad and Suzaku would have rather heard Lelouch telling him he cared about him.
“This, then, shall be your punishment”, Lelouch had murmured. He couldn’t stand up straight anymore, and thus rested his head against Suzaku’s shoulder. Suzaku had never seen what Lelouch had been doing, although he suspected his hand had been somewhere near the place the sword went through him because it had been stained with blood. Now, he saw that was exactly what had happened, since Lelouch seemed to be pressing the wound with his hand, as though he was trying to stop the bleeding. Not that he was able to.
“You will live on, wearing that mask, as the knight of justice. You will no longer live your life as Kururugi Suzaku.”
The brunet’s eyes followed carefully as the Lelouch on the screen lifted his bloodstained hand from his wound to Suzaku’s cheek. Except that, because the damned mask was in the way, instead of his friend’s warm skin, Lelouch was only met with cold metal. It felt almost too cruel. The last thing Lelouch had tried and wanted to do was to caress his friend’s face, not even being able to do that small thing. It wasn’t a lot to ask, now was it? The bloodstain had stayed on the mask longer than Suzaku wanted to admit, only because he wasn’t able to let go of his already dead friend. Suzaku would have denied it all, but it was a possibility that he hadn’t even tried to get rid of it.
Trying to caress Suzaku’s cheek was a risk Lelouch had been willing to take. It had been an actual chance that their plan would be destroyed because of the act, but the young, dying emperor had decided it was all worth it. He had tried to comfort Suzaku by holding him and touching him so gently with so much care and love in public , on live, international television after Suzaku had stabbed Lelouch , and not the other way around.
Now that Suzaku paid attention to it, he was certain he could see a smile drawn on his friend’s face as he was comforting him — although, he had to admit, it was sad and made Suzaku’s chest clench in pain.
“You shall sacrifice the pleasure of being an ordinary person to the world forevermore.” The words were just above a whisper, Suzaku had barely heard them. In the video, they were not audible. And, just like that, Suzaku would never again hear another word from his lips, because those were the very last ones.
And so, he wanted to reply with something, “This Geass I do solemnly accept”. His voice had been cracking and echoing with the tears he wept. Those, those had been his last words to Lelouch. He regretted it, he wished he could have told him he cared about him, even if Lelouch knew it already.
Then Lelouch’s hand slipped from his mask at the same time as Suzaku pulled the sword out of him. They needed to bring their act to its ending and let the curtains fall down, not to be opened ever again. When the sword was completely out of Lelouch, Lelouch first took a step backwards, trying to steady himself. Suzaku, for his part, pointed the sword at the shocked crowd while he was facing away from his friend and the masses, his back still being the only thing they could see. And, for the first time, Suzaku saw how Lelouch stumbled a few steps and then fell down the ramp of the platform. As he slid down the ramp, he left a crimson red trail of blood on it.
Right after that, the other camera focused on the interaction going on between Lelouch and Nunnally. It was likely this was part of the reason the video had been taken away from the sight of the curious eyes of the world. He suspected they also cut this part away every time the rest of the video was shown. Lelouch was peaceful, his smile full of gladness and satisfaction, which was definitely not expected from the hated, dying Demon Emperor. Whatever Nunnally said to Lelouch, Suzaku couldn’t hear. Their voices were inaudible. He knew she had told him she loved him because he had heard Nunnally tell him that.
Nunnally looked worried as well as puzzled, brows furrowed in confusion. She hesitated with reaching for Lelouch’s hand, but when her fingertips finally touched his, her eyes widened in shock. Even so, as her face slowly turned sorrowful, she seemed to understand everything (she might really have understood the entirety of their plan). To Suzaku, she looked like she was seeing a vision or the like. That could explain why she had been able to smile at Suzaku afterwards like she pitied him, absolutely no trace of malice left in her eyes.
Oh, sweet Nunnally. They hadn’t counted her in on the list of (possible) victims of Zero Requiem. Neither Lelouch or Suzaku had believed Nunnally could mourn her brother at least long because she kept screaming she hated Lelouch and that he had become a monster, a demon. They couldn’t have been more wrong, because the young girl was devastated, even if she didn’t show it in public. She couldn’t have done that anyway because she was the empress, the face of Britannia.
Lelouch lay on the ramp as Nunnally was bending over him, holding his hand. When she finally started screaming “Big brother! No!”, Suzaku guessed Lelouch had died. She was now clearly crying, no longer silently weeping.
“Please open your eyes! Big brother! Big brother!!” Nunnally’s voice was breaking as she cried. Her screams had ripped Suzaku’s heart into pieces back then, and even now it felt like someone was trying to crush it.
Both Kallen and Kaguya were staring straight ahead with empty eyes, too shocked to be able to comprehend the happened.
The other video was still showing ‘Zero’ (well, now that Lelouch was dead he really was Zero), who had only now turned to face the crowd. He lifted his hand still holding the sword and sliced through the air, making the blood that had just a moment ago coloured the sword now stain the blue carpet of the platform.
“The demon Lelouch is dead!”, Cornelia had yelled, and continued by ordering her comrades, “Free the prisoners!”
Those hiding with her ran from the building they had been staying in, Guilford and Villetta leading them. They freed the Black Knights and Schneizel. The prince was still under the control of Lelouch’s Geass.
“Retreat! Retreat at once!” had been Jeremiah’s command to the soldiers.
Suzaku watched how his ten years younger self stood up proud, keeping his composure somehow. He was proud for not letting himself fall on his knees and break down screaming and crying, because he knew that’s exactly what he had wanted to do and never been able to. He remembered the pain again, tears flowing from his eyes behind the mask he hadn’t taken off (as though he ever really did anyway). How he had succeeded in that, he really did not know. He heard the crowd cheer for Zero and chant his name. No one cared about the screaming and crying 15-year-old girl.
If only he could go back in time, he would immediately go to Nunnally to comfort her. Her hands were stained with her brother’s blood, although in an entirely different way from Suzaku’s. She had cried until she couldn’t, until her tears had dried up, and no one else besides Suzaku had acknowledged it. But, even though he saw the suffering Nunnally was going through, he couldn’t have gone down and held her. After all, he was her brother’s killer, as well as Zero, who was not allowed to have any remorse or regrets for killing the enemy of the world itself. He was supposed to be Zero, the messiah that freed the world from its tendency for hatred, from the Demon Emperor Lelouch.
Oh, how Suzaku hated that damned title. He still hated it, but not as much as he hated himself for killing his best friend, even if said friend had killed so many others.
What messiah, really?
The video kept going, and Suzaku saw the same damned smile on Lelouch’s face as he had seen when he and Nunnally had buried him a day or two day later. The same damned smile that was definitely not that of a happy person, but of someone who was satisfied. Suzaku knew why he was satisfied — Lelouch had been able to make his dream come true. As to what that dream was, it was a world for Nunnally and his friends to live happily and in peace in. The only thing amiss in the achieved dream was a peaceful world where he could live together with Nunnally and Suzaku and the rest of his loved ones.
But, frankly speaking, even though Lelouch’s friends were happy, Suzaku wasn’t, and Nunnally was having a hard time being happy as well. Suzaku was sure he had once seen Kallen drop a photograph — or three — of a smiling Lelouch, and then quickly picking them up as if they had been her precious treasures. He figured she knew what Lelouch had been aiming for. She too was happy, what now feeling sad and mourning for Lelouch every now and then, just like anyone who has ever lost a loved one.
He knew she was grateful and happy. He knew he wouldn’t be able to find that same happiness within himself.
When Suzaku focused on the recording again, it was playing the part where Zero had finally come down and stretched his hand out for Nunnally to grab. He hadn’t expected her to actually do it, so when she did, he was surprised. He managed to pick the small girl up anyway, ready to carry her to wherever she wanted. After that, he had looked around himself to find someone to take the now dead Emperor’s body away, and was, once again, surprised to find some of the freed Black Knights standing in front of him. They had asked where they could take the corpse to.
His sight had been blurred by the burning tears in his eyes back then so he hadn’t recognised them as anything but members of the Black Knights, willing to help Zero. Now he saw Kallen, Ohgi, Tamaki, Xingke and Tohdoh on the screen.
How surprising, indeed. The core members — the ones that were aware of Geass’ existence and probably hated Lelouch the most — of the Black Knights wanted to help Zero, a man they knew wasn’t their Zero.
Zero had asked Nunnally quietly where she wanted her brother to be taken to. Her eyes widened in surprise, she clearly hadn’t been expecting the question (even if she had guessed whose arms she was in), but told him she wanted his body taken to the same place where her friend Kururugi Suzaku’s other gravestone was placed, which meant Lelouch’s own personal garden in the palace. Nunnally had decided to claim the garden for herself because she wanted to take care of it as a memorial for her brother. Suzaku had felt shameful for pretending to be dead, but showed none of it. He only nodded and ordered the Black Knights who had come to him to take Lelouch’s body to the place ‘Princess Nunnally’ had mentioned.
Which, of course, meant taking the body overseas to Britannia, so they brought it in a coffin to the airport.
A few days later, when they finally buried Lelouch, only Nunnally, Jeremiah and Suzaku were there. Of course, for who would mourn a demon? Well, except for those who understood his plan. Those who had loved him longer than they had truly lived. Those who had served him out of sheer respect. Those who had loved him because to them, that was what made most sense. Those who had always held love that never wavered for him.
Nunnally had cried on her knees. Jeremiah had bowed to the grave as his last mark of respect and walked away afterwards. Suzaku had only stood there and stared blankly as the other paid his respect, as Nunnally mourned. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to cry, staying in his role of Zero.
When he and the young now-empress were left alone, she looked at him, would have looked at him straight in the eye if he didn’t have that mask. She had spoken to him with a voice far too kind and gentle for someone who was alone with her brother’s murderer.
“Suzaku. It’s okay to mourn for him. After all, he was your best friend, wasn’t he?”
It startled Suzaku to hear his name, but then he chuckled softly.
“You too, you see right through me as well, don’t you?”, he had managed to say.
The girl had nodded and taken his hand in hers. “I found out when I touched big brother’s hand. I saw his memories. What a play to write.” She had smiled, fresh tears still glimmering on her eyelashes. “Won’t you take your mask off, at least this one time? I want to see that one of you is really alive, with my own eyes, now that I can see again.”
And he did, that one time.
Nunnally had looked at him and even though she had guessed who was behind that mask, she gasped audibly when she saw the curly brown hair and emerald green eyes. Nunnally had opened her arms, waiting for Suzaku to come to her and hug her. She started crying when she felt arms around her and wrapped her own arms tightly around the boy. Nunnally had thought she had lost everyone she held dearest, but upon seeing the Japanese man, she had finally been able to sigh in relief. Not everyone, after all. There was still someone left.
She had definitely felt the tears he cried drip on her shoulder. He recalled her never commenting anything on it. Nunnally definitely had a heart made of gold.
The television had already gone blank when Suzaku snapped out of his world of memories. He took off the mask and placed it on his desk. He felt empty and tired, eyes staring blankly at the black television screen, not really seeing anything. He knew his lips stretched into a sorrowful and regretful smile. It was still his way of coping with things.
The day Lelouch died was definitely his worst. The regret and woe he had felt then surpassed that of the days he killed his own father and watched Zero — the first one — kill Euphie. Definitely worse than finding out who exactly was that Zero. There was no question about that.
Nothing was worse than watching Lelouch be so gentle, so forgiving, so loving, seeing Lelouch comfort Suzaku despite being the one dying himself. The way he had held Suzaku in public was too sad, too cruel. The way it had been so truly heartbreaking .
Heartbreaking, indeed.
For that had been the third time Lelouch had broken his heart.