Chapter Text
After the flight when Suzaku stepped out of the plane, he felt people staring him. Sure, he was used to it, but for some reason it was bothersome at the moment. Especially that long haired blond who sat next to him during the flight seemed to have watched over Suzaku’s every move. And what bothered him the most about the blond was that he also looked like he was afraid of him. There was no reason to be afraid of him, right? Suzaku was the people’s hero after all, at least as long as his face was hidden under the ridiculous mask of Zero.
When he finally got out of the airport, he sighed out of relief. He was back in the place he’d grown up in, where he had met Lelouch and where he had finally executed his best friend. Honestly, most of the important events in his life took their place in Japan. This was the place he knew — or at least had known — like the back of his hand. There were many things he didn't really want to remember that came to his mind while being there — namely Euphie’s death and Lelouch’s ‘death’ — but more than anything, most of his good and happy memories were from Japan.
Suzaku saw how the trees slightly bended in the wind and how the fallen leaves were flying in the air. He hoped he could just take off his mask and feel the cool breeze on his cheeks but that wasn’t possible. He was still the betrayer to Japan, and even if Lelouch was alive, risking world peace they’d achieved with Zero Requiem didn’t seem worth feeling wind. Lelouch had really ensured Suzaku could never stop being Zero and show his face because to the world, Suzaku was Lelouch’s knight, and if Zero were revealed to be Suzaku — who was, in fact, alive —, what was there to say Lelouch wasn’t alive as well. No way he’d risk any of that.
Suzaku was pretty sure the cape he wore was flying around him as well, in the same preposterous way he’d seen it do on Lelouch. It didn’t matter that Suzaku was angry at his friend at the moment, he was certain (and would admit it to himself and Nunnally at any given time) that it looked way better on Lelouch than Suzaku.
The first thing he decided to do was to visit his official grave in Japan. He was fairly sure that it was placed somewhere near the other graves of those Japanese who died in the battles between Britannia and Japan. It didn’t matter that ‘Kururugi Suzaku’ was a betrayer to the Japanese, he was nevertheless a great knightmare pilot and had advanced farther than any other in a long time.
Which, of course, didn’t mean that he wasn’t surprised to see a few people in front of his grave, especially as they looked like they were paying their respects to him instead of mocking him.
And what surprised him even more was realising those people were Kaguya and Sayoko, along with Empress Tianzi and Xingke. All of them should hate him, shouldn’t they? He had indeed only kept betraying the Japanese for his whole life, or at least that was what he had been told since he joined the military. He had also attacked and endangered both Tianzi and Xingke more than once or twice.
Especially Kaguya should detest him. They were cousins and yet he had threatened her many, many times. It was like Suzaku hadn’t cared for her at all, which of course wasn’t true. They just happened to be on the opposite sides of the war, he couldn’t have done anything to help her unless she had joined the Britannian side.
Sayoko too, to her he’d mostly been the Knight of Zero (and the Japanese kid Lelouch had cared about a lot when Sayoko was still helping Nunnally in Ashford), so it wasn’t probable she liked him very much. Scratch that, the probability she liked him was zero.
When he walked towards the four, they all turned their heads to see him. If something, it was that that wasn’t surprising, considering it was quiet and his footsteps seemed to echo in the silence.
“Well, well, Zero, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be next to Empress Nunnally, in Britannia ?”, Xingke asked with a biting tone. Apparently, even if the newer Black Knights respected him, the ones that had either been a part of the order or worked with them back when Lelouch was still Zero did not like him — at least unless they knew who he was — and didn’t hesitate to show it if they were alone. Then again, considering who these four were, they probably wouldn’t like him either way, which made finding them here all more odd.
“I was granted a break from my duties as Her Majesty’s knight. That should be good enough of a reason for you, now shouldn’t it?”, he replied, watching how his cousin’s green eyes were surveying him with suspicion.
“And why should it be a good reason? We might have taken it from the old Zero, but not you.” She flipped her hand nonchalantly. “Sure, I’m grateful we are still alive because you executed the late emperor and all, but you aren’t our Zero and you know that perfectly well”, Kaguya said.
Suzaku was taken aback by the black-haired woman snapping at him. He wasn’t exactly used to her acting like this. Yeah, she too had definitely grown so much, no longer the mostly quiet and shy girl he had once known. She was also still the chairman of the UFN. It was good it was her, she was definitely the best one for the job.
“Ohh, so this new Zero is capable of being startled”, Kaguya sneered, a light smirk appearing on her face. Yeah, she definitely didn’t like him.
“Lady Kaguya, I think you’re being offensive. He did save us all”, Sayoko reminded her, stepping closer. She put her hand on Kaguya’s shoulder which made the younger woman sigh and relax a bit.
“That is probably true. Well then, I apologise for stepping out of line, I suppose that was very impolite of me.”
“It’s fine. It doesn’t surprise me the previous Zero’s comrades don’t approve of me very well.”
Kaguya chuckled and turned back to the grave. Suzaku only barely caught the words she next muttered and froze at them.
“It’s just that he killed Lord Zero — no, Lelouch —, and it’s far easier to blame him for what happened to my cousin as well than it is to accept it might have been our — or worse, my — fault. No matter what he was like or if we thought about everything differently in the end, he was still my cousin and a dear one at that.”
Sayoko rubbed her shoulder, trying to comfort Kaguya. Lihua too came to her, expression dyed by worry for her beloved friend. Frankly speaking, it was weird how both Lihua and Kaguya had been so young — just little children, especially Lihua — when he’d last seen them, but now, now they were both over twenty.
Suzaku turned around to leave, but not before he saw Sayoko shoot him a knowing and accusing look.
“I’m truly sorry, Kaguya. We didn’t — I didn’t — ever mean to hurt you like this”, he whispered to the air glancing at the sky and walked away.
Kaguya jumped in surprise and watched the back of the mysterious man become more distant, her emerald green eyes widening. Her hand automatically reached towards him, not having control over her own body and reactions anymore. This man had just apologised to her, using her given name — without the proper title, too — and had said that he and someone else didn’t want to hurt her. Could it be that her friends’ suspicions had been true all along? Kaguya needed to find out.
She wriggled out of her friends’ hands and ran after Zero. She was able to stop him only by grabbing his cape, and that too only happened when she tripped over her dress and fell down. He had to stop to keep his own balance, which meant she could question him.
“Who are you, really?”, Kaguya asked as he helped her up.
“I am a symbol, and the only name I can give you is Zero”, the masked man said with the same monotonous voice he most often had.
“No. Then there shouldn’t be any reason for you to apologise, because Zero never hurt me. And who is the other person you mentioned? Could it be that—”
“I’m sorry, this isn’t something I can talk with you about. Goodbye, Lady Kaguya.”
“Suzaku, please.”
“…Your cousin Sir Kururugi is dead for good, and you know that. Ms. Kozuki killed him during their battle on the Damocles.
Zero left, leaving her only able to stare at him as he walked away. She had wanted it to be Suzaku, she missed him so much, but she hadn’t received any reaction other than his answer when she’d called him by Suzaku’s name. She had not heard the hesitation in his voice, or the short pause before his answer because he didn’t know how to reply to her without causing her more pain.
“Why did you call him by your cousin’s name, Kaguya?”, Lihua asked quietly, walking to her friend’s side.
“He just… reminded me so much of him. I don’t know. I wanted him to be alive. I miss him.”
“Lady Kaguya, I think that if it is your cousin, he wouldn’t tell anyone about his identity for Lelouch’s sake.”
Sayoko’s words made the young chairman think about the possibility. But why? After all, it was Zero who had killed Lelouch, and if Suzaku was Zero now, that meant he had killed his enem— empero— best frien— well, something, whatever they had been to each other in reality in their last months. It didn’t explain why Suzaku wouldn’t tell her it was him for Lelouch’s sake. It made no sense, but then Sayoko continued.
“The two of them never stopped caring for each other. I should know — I am certain of it, in fact — because after all, I saw how the two of them together were like, both in civil, and then as the emperor and his knight. It felt like there was always this kind of odd unsaid loyalty and trust no one ever spoke of hanging in the around them, no matter what. It was like they never needed to confirm the other understood or if they could truly put their faith in each other. They were also kind of a peculiar pair to be an emperor and a knight — it was as though while Kururugi was of course answerable to Lelouch, it was also the other way around. I don’t think it’d be unjustifiable to say that they cared for each other more than either of them would ever admit or even knew.”
“Sounds like love to me”, Xingke said. Lihua nodded, agreeing with him.
“I guess”, Kaguya mumbled, tears prickling in her eyes as she watched Zero grow more distant. A small smile made its way to her lips.
“Maybe it was love indeed.”
❋❋❋❋❋❋❋
While Kaguya, Sayoko and the others were still talking, Suzaku walked away. That’s not to say he was capable of not looking back though. In fact, he wanted to turn around and go back to them. Suzaku sort of wanted to tell Kaguya he was alive (not okay, but alive), but he didn’t think it was right. No, it was that he knew it wasn’t right. Even if Lelouch was in fact alive, he still couldn’t tell his identity or take off his mask in front of just anyone because of whom he had become as the Knight of Zero. Besides, he still looked like a teenager, that would frighten probably anyone who knew he was (supposed to be) nearing his thirties. Lelouch had truly made sure he’d never be able to live as Kururugi Suzaku again. Only Zero, always Zero.
And speaking of Lelouch, now he needed to find him. He still had no idea where to start, but at least he knew he didn’t need to go anywhere where many people liked to hang around. That meant all most likely crowded places where out of question. It also meant he should try finding a place with privacy, which just so happened to also mean someone had to privately own the place to make sure people wouldn’t just randomly go there — and whatever it was, it was likely that it was in the possession of someone who didn’t come to Japan often, yet was in a position high enough that people respected their privacy. Or, at least he hoped it was so, because it was his best shot to find such people. Surely there weren’t all that many places like that in Japan. Hopefully. (Unlikely, but he was allowed to try and make himself believe that.)
“I recommend you to visit the Ashford Academy and the Kururugi Shrine if you can. I think it’d be good for you to see them again.”
Nunnally’s words rang in his ears. What if…
He needed to get to the Kururugi Shrine.
It was in Nunnally’s possession for she had wanted it to remain untouched, and Kaguya as the last living relative of the Kururugis had sold it to her. The fact that she was the empress of Britannia (and a good one at that, she had almost immediately started working towards the peace with the other countries and especially the UFN) was good enough of a reason for people to stay away from it. Not that it was locked or anything, they just thought they should respect her wish for the shrine to remain as it had been a long ago.
Besides, after the F.L.E.I.J.A.s had been fired during the battle on Mount Fuji, not many people wanted to move around there, seeing as the shrine was located near the mountain. Many people still believed in ghosts and the spirits of the dead — even if they would never admit it —, so they didn’t want to accidentally disturb their rest by going there without a good reason.
It was good it would only take him around two hours to get to the shrine from Tokyo. It was most definitely there where Lelouch would want to go if he were in Japan. Suzaku just hoped his theory was right and that Lelouch had even come to Japan in the first place. Now was not the time to be wrong.
After the ride (that felt far too long) to Mt. Fuji, Suzaku started sauntering towards the shrine. There was an unexplainable heavy feeling settled down in his chest, weighing his steps so much the time needed to reach the stairs that led to the shrine felt like ages. For a while Suzaku stood quietly under the hill he needed to get on top of, looking at the old stone-made stairway. There were plants sprouting from in between the stones. The place had been left alone for too long, or so it seemed since no one had weeded out the weeds growing wild. The huge, old trees growing around cast large shadows everywhere, barely any sunlight reached the stairway, and the otherwise dead silent air was filled with the birds’ echoing chirping. Somehow while it all looked perfectly familiar, he felt like he was unable to recognise anything.
He began to climb up, hoping he would find his supposedly dead friend (who wasn’t so dead after all) on top of the steps. He hadn’t been there once in eight years, not after Nunnally had last visited it. Suzaku remembered how twice now he had almost beaten Lelouch up after he arrived to the top (although he had actually beaten the raven-haired royal when he had seen him for the very first time, calling him a stupid Brit) and chuckled sadly at the memory. He ran the last few metres up.
As he stepped on the very last stair, he felt dejected. There was no one anywhere in sight. Suzaku’s shoulders dropped as he realised how disappointed he was. Well, even if the other one (for whom he had even taken the break in hopes of seeing him), he guessed he could look around and try to relax like Nunnally had told him to.
Suzaku sat on the porch of the shrine, gazing the yard spreading in front of him. It was still rocky as always, but after being left alone for years, there were more shades of green in the scene as well. As Suzaku was sure no one would come up here save for him and possibly Lelouch, he took off his mask and set it next to him. Then he took the cape hanging around him off and folded it carefully, putting it right next to the mask. He wanted to feel less like Zero while he was there — this was the only place he could be himself completely.
The atmosphere that had settled down upon the shrine a long time ago was wistful as he recalled the days of his youth, those days where he and Lelouch had still been happy. He recalled how they used to run through the yard, and more than once he had had to stop to wait for his friend who had always had really bad stamina. Now it was like watching the shadows — or ghosts — of the past move around that ignored him altogether. Of course they did, they were just creations of his imagination.
The shadows distorted and were replaced by the memory of Suzaku confronting his friend. That happened before not even the first of the many F.L.E.I.J.A.s had been fired. Lelouch had bowed to Suzaku, kneeled before him, begging him to take care of Nunnally. Nunnally, who was his most precious treasure, one of the only things he had left and yet he couldn’t protect her because she was with Suzaku and Britannia. Lelouch had cared less about his image in Suzaku’s eyes than his sister, that much was certain.
Suzaku had just stomped on his head and demanded for answers. Demanded him to bring Euphie back to life even though he knew that was impossible. No one could bring the dead back to life. But that was okay. He had needed to show Lelouch he was angry, it was good he had been able to let out some steam at him, without having Lelouch fight back and defend himself from accusations that were (mostly) true.
And then, when they could have finally solved things and made things right again, together , Kanon and Schneizel just had had to come in between them. Lelouch had screamed and believed Suzaku betrayed him once again, had planned to sell him out to his worst enemies once again , and for some reason, watching it all happen under his eyes without being able to help or interfere had hurt Suzaku more than finding out who it had been behind the mask all along. More than finding out Lelouch had lied to him again and had once more become Zero, even if he had actually known that all along. He knew his own face had been twisted with agony and anguish as Kanon explained everything to him, emerald green eyes widened in shock, tears threatening to spill from the corners of his eyes.
Oh, and the betrayed, hurt look that had twisted Lelouch’s face as geassed Guilford took him away. His expression had straight out told Suzaku everything, including the fact that Lelouch decided their friendship was through for the betrayal Suzaku hadn’t committed. Lelouch had lost his first — and last, he would never befriend anyone ever again — friend, or at least that was what he believed at the time. Suzaku had called for him but, unsurprisingly, the other had decided to ignore him because now, he thought even friendship, the last thing he put his faith in and trusted to save his beloved sister, had betrayed him.
Long after that — only after Zero Requiem, in fact — Schneizel had played the recording of his and Lelouch’s conversation from when the latter had been captured in the car. His voice and words had sounded so hurt when talking with his brother that tears had made their way into Suzaku’s eyes against his will while watching it.
“Unfortunately, big brother, I’m through trusting anything because even friendship has betrayed me.”
That had led them to the climax of the sad chain of events Schneizel had talked about, not the fact that Suzaku hadn’t actually told them about geass himself. None of the past was able to ever reach the same level (even though the future could), because now it was two people who had been best friends and who still loved each other against one another, the other wanting peace of the world and the other only his own. Not that either knew which one had wished for which, but those two things didn’t go together well.
And really, that was what no one took into account, that was one of the reasons the Black Knights were winning against them. Not that realising it would have helped anyway, because now, instead of only a genius, revengeful and powerful enemy, Suzaku and the rest of the Britannian forces had a genius, revengeful and powerful enemy who had been hurt and betrayed by the only thing he had ever truly trusted against them. It was worse than anything they had ever faced before, because that Lelouch had decided to close his heart and knew Zero should only ever be cold and callous, as well as never feel any sympathy towards anyone in his way. That was also apparently the only time Lelouch had told his troops to kill Suzaku when always before he had only told them to capture and imprison him, if anything. Suzaku remembered never wanting to fire the F.L.E.I.J.A. Nina had set up in the Lancelot, how he had feared the thought that he may have to use it against his dearest friend. He didn’t want to. That’s still what he ended up doing.
All of a sudden Suzaku heard steps moving closer to him on the pebble covered ground, bringing him back to the present. He had to act quickly because no one should see the face of Zero, especially as apparently his face hadn’t aged or changed at all for ten or eleven years. The brunet put the mask back on his face just in time to see someone whose face was covered by a hood walking through the yard with a fast pace, glancing around themselves in high alert.
Suzaku stood up and made his way to the stranger.
“What are you doing here? I don’t think you have been given the permission from the Empress herself to stay here”, he said, startling the stranger.
“I apologise, I’ll be going now”, they muttered, seeming to be in a hurry. Suzaku was going to let it slide, but as soon as the stranger turned to leave, Suzaku caught a peculiar glimpse of royal purple from under their hood.
He grabbed the stranger’s wrist and made sure they wouldn’t be able to escape. They wriggled in his hold, struggling to get out of his grip, but couldn’t get away. Their hood fell in the process, exposing a young person for Suzaku to see. A young man with shiny, longish black hair that had been hiding under the hood, and as he lifted his chin, Suzaku could see a pair of beautiful, enchanting purple eyes.
“L-Lelouch…!” His name escaped Suzaku’s lips again (the previous time having been during Zero Requiem), and he let go of the other’s wrist in utter disbelief.
Lelouch looked at Suzaku with widened eyes. “No, you are mistak—”
“But I’m not, am I, Lelouch? No one possesses such vibrant purple eyes, no one except for you.”
Lelouch looked at Suzaku in shock. He didn’t know what to do for the first time in years. The one he had been trying not to let find out he was alive for the past ten years was now in front of his eyes again, the only difference being that this time Suzaku recognised him. And that, that was the worst thing about this all — he had meant for Suzaku to never find out the truth about him, about any of this at all, because that way he could have ensured the truth wouldn’t hurt his friend.
For a moment Lelouch thought about running away but ended up deciding against it. He let his shoulders drop in defeat, but forced a cocky grin on his lips before looking at Suzaku again. Sure, there was no longer any reason to hide, but maybe he could still lie and only anger his one and only friend instead of hurting him.
“No, you are not wrong. It is me, the one that made you carry such heavy burden while I simply disappeared”, he sneered.
Suzaku stumbled a step backwards, taken aback by surprise. Out of all the possible things he had expected to hear Lelouch say, that was most definitely not one of them.
And that was partly the reason Suzaku raised his hand and punched Lelouch. He didn’t fight back or even defend himself. Lelouch just let it happen and even after that, he didn’t even touch his face in order to check if something was broken. It was like he thought he deserved it, and honestly, he did. Then Suzaku started shouting at Lelouch.
“Why did you never tell me you were alive?!”, Suzaku demanded from his friend. Now that he finally had at least the chance to get answers, he wasn’t going to let go of it.
“Because that way I could just disappear without having to take any responsibility for my own actions”, Lelouch replied, a smirk growing on his face again.
“Why the hell are you even alive in the first place?!”
At this point, Suzaku was basically screaming. He shoved Lelouch, pushing him down, and the boy let him.
“Because I made sure I wouldn’t die when you pierced my chest with that sword.”
“Why did you let your sister suffer so long? Why did you leave me alone with my pain?”
Suzaku’s voice grew quieter as he spoke the last words. The man in front of his eyes was Lelouch that had hurt him again and again, always again as though it never mattered, so saying he had been hurting was no use. But…
The (pretended) triumph in Lelouch’s eyes faded as Suzaku’s words hit him. Suzaku had been hurting all along because of Lelouch’s actions again, and somehow he hadn’t seen or realised it. He seemed to be still hurting, and not only because of the truth. How could Lelouch have let this happen?
Suzaku watched how something changed in Lelouch, but still he didn’t say a thing. What the hell was even going on anym—
Oh….
I know that look.
The look in his friend’s eyes was familiar, far too familiar to Suzaku. He had seen it in Lelouch’s eyes before, as well as his own. It was how a person looked like when they were bottling up a lie. He knew his friend well enough to be able to read the looks in his eyes, he was able to notice even the slightest changes in his body language and expressions, even after all this time.
Lelouch was lying to him once again.
“Why do you always have to hide behind your lies? Why do you keep thinking you could protect anyone that way? Why won’t you tell me the truth for once?”, he almost whispered. His voice was sad. Suzaku didn’t understand why Lelouch did this to Suzaku and himself over and over again. It did nothing but hurt everyone.
And that was what had always made a difference between them, because while Suzaku lied to protect and shield himself from unnecessary harm, Lelouch kept lying only to shield his loved ones from pain and agony even when all it did to Lelouch himself was to hurt him even more — not that it often helped. And that’s why Suzaku had once decided to protect Lelouch from the harm he caused to himself. That’s why…
“I’ll ask you this once more, after ten long years. Why did you order me to live?”, Suzaku gave his hand to Lelouch and pulled him up. This time there was no Kanon or Schneizel to interrupt them. Then he lifted his hand to his mask and took it off. The other looked slightly puzzled, tilting his head to the side until he realised what Suzaku was doing. At that point there was no longer anything Lelouch could do to avoid seeing Suzaku’s face or stop him from taking the mask off in general, even if his hand made a jerked motion to try it.
And, surely enough, as the mask came off, he watched Lelouch freeze. He knew his friend was staring at his unaged face, possibly with fear, but he didn’t care. All he cared about right now was that there they now were, after ten years, but nothing in their appearances had changed. Two people who weren’t supposed to be alive stood there, having not physically changed once in ten years.
Lelouch reached towards Suzaku’s chin, caressing it softly, as though the Japanese could shatter into pieces by his touch.
“Why… Why have you not aged…?”, he asked, his voice feeble. Suzaku was sure it was a crack in his friend’s voice he heard.
“I don’t know, maybe a certain “Live!” order has something to do with this?”, he half-snapped, tapping the ground with his foot in annoyance.
Lelouch gulped, finally realising what he had done. In the end, he had merely cursed his only friend when all he had tried to do was to save him from his desperate wish to die.
“You were lying to me once again, weren’t you? You never wanted to hurt Nunnally and I. Why can’t you for once stop lying to those who care about you, thinking that’s how you can protect them? Because let me tell you, you can’t. All you manage to achieve with it is to hurt them more, as well as yourself. Why can’t you for once be honest with those who care about you because they want to help you, and it’s impossible if you don’t let them.”
Lelouch let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding and looked at Suzaku with a sad smile playing on his lips.
“I thought you and Nunnally would move on and stop hurting because I was a monster in the end. I thought— I thought that was the best way to protect you from everything I did and—”
“You were wrong, Lelouch—” Lelouch winced as he heard his name said, “—because that was never the way to protect us. Both of us knew what you had done. There was no way we would move on, at least easily, seeing as we kept hearing everyone else hate you while we knew you had done it all to save everyone. We weren’t even able to say anything since that would ruin the whole plan. Having said that, I’d like to know the reason you’re alive and why you never told me.”
Suzaku heard a sorrowful chuckle and then Lelouch spoke again.
“Well, there was a change in my plans.”
“Clearly.”
“I wouldn’t die for my sins. My punishment would be to live as well. I made sure no one but C.C. knew about me and disappeared. C.C. was free to go wherever she pleased once again.”
And then, then Suzaku realised. Lelouch had intentionally isolated himself from all those he loved. That was worse than dying because then he would have to see the world he had wished for and created move on without him. He could never go back and live in that world himself, or enjoy his achievements with the ones he loved. He would have to live without those he had done it all for, forever. He had done so on purpose, knowing how much pain it would cause him, hoping to hurt. That way Lelouch had made sure he would have to suffer for his own actions. It was never to escape the punishment, but to make it worse for himself. Lelouch had done none of it to hurt anyone else, he had thought it wouldn’t hurt anyone else.
That damned plan was how Lelouch managed to break Suzaku’s heart even after his death — although, admittedly, Lelouch wasn’t so dead anymore.
“I stayed alive because I had apparently inherited my father’s code. I didn’t find out until a month before Zero Requiem, thanks to C.C.. Originally I had actually meant to die. But, since the situation became what it did, I decided it was simply best to rewrite my plans. I thought it’d be easier for you if I just died in your eyes. You could finally avenge your beloved Euphemia by killing me, just like I killed her. Honestly, killing her still sometimes haunts me, she didn’t deserve it. If I could spare her life or trade it away for mine, I would do it in a heartbeat as long as Nunnally stayed alive. I thought you could just blame everything on me — even your own misdeeds — if I died.”
“Lelouch—”
“So, all I’ve been doing for these past 10 years is living with myself and nothing but lies.”
“Did you ever stop to think about Nunnally and how everything you have done affected her?”
“Yes, every day.”
“And what about me? Did you ever stop to think about me?”
“...”
“Answer me, Lelouch!”
“I never stopped thinking about you… Suzaku.”
Lelouch turned his gaze to the side, avoiding his friend’s eyes. He didn’t want to face Suzaku now. There was no way he could. He didn’t want to see — no, more like couldn’t see the other’s expression. He still wasn’t used to actually admitting things such as his true feelings to the people he cared about. He wasn’t even used to expressing them. And now he just said that after being gone for a decade and obviously having hurt his dearest friend. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know how Suzaku would react to that.
Suzaku grabbed Lelouch’s hand in his own, holding it tight as though he could disappear again at any given moment. Then, after considering whether it was a great or an absolutely terrible idea, he pulled his friend into a hug, comforting him in turn (not that he ever reached the conclusion whether or not it was a good idea. He did it anyway). The last time anything alike had happened was back when Lelouch had comforted Suzaku after the latter had pierced his chest. It was still ironic, the one being killed comforting the killer.
Lelouch tensed up at first for the sudden contact, but relaxed just as quickly in Suzaku’s arms. He felt safe. It was like everything was just meant to be so, the two of them together and never apart. Something in the world seemed amiss when they weren’t with one another. Both knew being forever together was impossible though. They both knew full well they were never meant to be happy — or so it at least always seemed.
“Lelouch?”
“Yes?”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“I don’t see why not. There’s nothing to hide anymore.”
“Your message — the one conveyed with the signs from our childhood —, did you really wish to meet again? Did you, of all the people, wish for a miracle of sorts or…?”
“I… I don’t know. Maybe I did. I think I wished for rebirth to be real because I certainly did not mean for us to meet again in this life — or, well, in your current life. At that point I already knew I was immortal.”
“And what about a god?”
“Maybe I wished for a god that would listen to me like the one in C’s world.”
“And if it was a god that led us back together, that let me finally know you were alive — which reminds me, if you’re trying to stay hidden, talking with C.C. just under my window and right next to the Royal Palace is not a good idea—, we should have already suffered our punishment, right?”
Lelouch looked uneasy, as though he didn’t want to have this conversation. Maybe he didn’t. He didn’t seem to want to accept the possibility of maybe being happy again.
“But— but the suffering and agony we caused have not yet been atoned for! The pain you— the pain I— the pain we have went through is still not enough of a punishment for us! Especially I haven’t truly suffered enough for my—”
“Oh shut up. You granted the world a chance to see a peaceful life. I would say you have been redeemed by now.”
Lelouch looked at Suzaku eyes glistening with tears that had not yet been shed — although that didn’t seem to be far either.
“You remember, right? There’s nothing the two of us can’t do together. Nothing. And I am not letting go now that I have finally found you again. I’ve already lost you thrice, don’t make me lose you again.” Suzaku embraced Lelouch, wanting to show his friend he was there for him, that he wouldn’t leave again. He didn’t want to let the other leave again either, the past decade had proven him he liked his life even less without having his dearest friend live it with him.
“...Thank you, Suzaku. My one and only friend, my first true friend”, Lelouch muttered, the faint smile on his lips echoing in his voice.
Suzaku decided that if he wanted to say the words he had tried to keep buried deep within himself for so long, he should say them now and not later. Well, maybe later too, but at least now.
“I’m in love with you too.”
Lelouch pushed Suzaku away, pulling away from the hug. He looked at Suzaku with mouth hanging slightly open. Had Suzaku misinterpreted the flowers’ message after all? If so, everything was going straight to south. The shock he could see in Lelouch’s eyes never meant anything good, especially now.
“You know, the flowers you told me to look up the meanings of?”, Suzaku half-asked gulping. He pressed his lips tight together anxiously and bit his lower lip. The grave silence he was getting from Lelouch was killing him.
The worry was pushed away though, because Lelouch took Suzaku’s hands in his own and smiled at him. His eyes fluttered shut and a single tear escaped from behind his eyelashes and closed eyelids. Lelouch chuckled ever so lightly, as though nothing had ever gone wrong between the two of them. Lelouch’s voice warmed Suzaku from within. Then he felt warm, soft lips on the corner of his mouth, although the touch was gone before he could react. He saw Lelouch stand back, and the bright yet sorrowful smile brought back a memory of the strange young man from around a week ago.
Suzaku came to the conclusion it had been Lelouch who had helped him. It was so clear now. It couldn’t have been anyone else, and the words the young man had told him as well as the oddly familiar presence he had made so much more sense now. Now he didn’t understand how he hadn’t recognised him right away.
The lines under his eyes — the ones drawn by every woe and grief and heartbreak he had had to face and go through in the past — were the only things that showed Lelouch hadn’t been able to escape the claws of time altogether. The so unblinking glassy eyes, the ones that always drew Suzaku’s gaze to them in a way that he found himself soon drowning in them no matter what, they reminded Suzaku that Lelouch too had suffered, he had not fled from agony. The long, dark eyelashes that never failed to make Lelouch look even more attractive were familiar to Suzaku even now, even after such a long time. His black, silky hair that fell over his eyes framed his face. And Lelouch’s smile, oh that damned smile, it was so kind and gentle when it was directed at the ones he loved, the one that was never not able to make Suzaku smile as well — at least when Suzaku knew who it belonged to. The man in front of his eyes was his dear friend that he would never let go of willingly again. He really didn’t understand how in the world he had missed all those signs so badly when he saw him in that alley, especially considering that all of those things were something that made Lelouch so, well, Lelouch .
“Lelouch, it was you who guided me around a week ago, wasn’t it?”, Suzaku asked, voice and eyes softening. He lifted his hand to caress Lelouch’s cheek. The skin under his fingertips was so warm and comforting, so alive , and if he was being honest with himself, he never wanted to not be able to touch it again.
“Yes.” The word was spoken with slight hesitation even though it mostly sounded confident. Suzaku was still able to recognise the smallest changes in Lelouch’s voice and prided himself for it.
“And you apologised to me for something, didn’t you? For what was it?”
“For absolutely everything, beginning from killing Euphie and lying to you, ending with making you kill me.” The gentle smile turned apologetic, shameful and sad in mere seconds. Well, maybe it didn’t, but Suzaku knew the look in his eyes and if that changed, in Suzaku’s eyes his whole expression changed, and he was definitely able to tell. After all, he was watching Lelouch now very carefully, not wanting to miss anything.
“You’re forgiven. For all of it.”
“How can you forgive me?”
The disbelief in Lelouch’s voice startled Suzaku at first, but then, eventually, he opened his mouth to give voice to the thoughts in his head (although, he had to admit, he was only saying a portion of the enormous mess going on inside his mind).
“Because we are friends, aren’t we?”
“For the last eighteen years, yes.”
Suzaku took Lelouch again in his embrace and pressed his face to his neck, as though trying to convince himself the other really was there, that this all wasn’t just a mere illusion his imagination had created out of pure longing and misery. Lelouch kissed Suzaku’s cheek and rested his head on his shoulder. He ran his hand through Suzaku’s hair that was practically a mess of brown curls. He simply let the other stroke his back, trying to tell both of them that he wasn’t going anywhere. They were just a pair of broken people who had lost far, far too much, each other included. They thought it wasn’t necessary to lose even more, even if they actually had no control over that.
They held each other tightly, not wanting to break off. Suzaku gulped quietly, trying to hold his tears back. He didn’t want to cry when he finally was able to hold his dearest again after such a long time. Then he felt something warm and wet on his shoulder and realised that even if he himself wasn’t crying, Lelouch certainly was. And so he let himself cry out a broken, yet relieved sob and clutched Lelouch’s jacket as he let his own tears roll down his cheeks.
“Are you crying?”, Lelouch asked laughing even though his voice was echoing with tears as well. Because of course it was, it had been so long since they had last properly met each other. It was clear that both Lelouch and Suzaku had missed each other a lot, more than either had even realised.
“Yeah, I am. You are too.”
“So indeed.”
Lelouch’s eyes widened as Suzaku first pulled away from the hug and then cupped his face, but he relaxed soon as he recognised the touch as a safe one. He could trust the one in front of him with anything, there was no question about that. His purple eyes watched Suzaku’s every move carefully, and honestly, to Suzaku it was somewhat unnerving.
In the next moment a bomb — or a F.L.E.I.J.A. — could have gone off next to them, and neither would have noticed because Suzaku leaned forwards and tilted his head slightly, placing a small, unsure kiss on Lelouch’s lips. Just a moment before he was about to pull away, Lelouch placed his hands behind Suzaku’s head. It was the only confirmation they needed.
If someone had asked Suzaku later on what their first kiss had been like, he would have told them it had felt like both of them were scared the other was so fragile they’d break under their touch. It was true, at least for Suzaku. He was indeed afraid that if he put too much pressure on Lelouch, his dearest person in the world would have shattered into a million pieces and disappeared again.
When they finally let go of each other, both their cheeks were flushed red. The smile playing on Suzaku’s lips was reflected right back at him as his eyes rested on the sight he had of lelouch. Everything seemed to be okay again, or at least they thought everything was going to be okay again, now that they had each other.
Well, that was until the Japanese realised he was Zero and worked for the Empress of Britannia. He couldn’t be far away from work for a long time ever, especially often, and there was no way for Lelouch to come back to the palace. There were way too many people who would recognise him, and even if for some strange reason no one else did, Nunnally, Cornelia, Schneizel, Lloyd, Gino and Ms. Cécile would. They would definitely realise who the strange boy with longish raven hair and purple eyes that were practically the trademark of the vi Britannias was.
They couldn’t be happy and together after all unless they came up with a solution. Everything was going downhill again.
Suzaku began panicking, his eyes searching for answers that would never come to him because of course there was nothing that could help at the shrine. Suzaku grabbed his head and stumbled a few steps backwards, as though trying to steady himself. It didn’t help, and he fell down on his knees. He bent down and pressed his head against his knees. Tears found their way back to Suzaku’s eyes. They burned in his eyes blurring away his sight, and as his breathing became fast and uncontrolled, he tried to fight back both his tears and sobs. He didn’t succeed, and hot tears were streaming down his face again. Suzaku’s head was a complete mess, thoughts varying from “I’ll never be able to be actually happy again” and “What do the gods have against Lelouch and I?!” to “Why am I not allowed to be with the one I love even after I’ve finally found him after such a long time?” and “It was all pointless, why couldn’t we just have died back on the Kamine Island?”
But just like always before, Lelouch saw right through him and realised just in how much grief and pain Suzaku was. He kneeled down next to him and placed his hands on Suzaku’s shoulders. He rubbed them gently, reminding Suzaku that he was there to help now. Suzaku was no longer alone, he wouldn’t have to survive or get through this without someone helping him. Well, neither did Lelouch, but it wasn’t him panicking over anything right now. He couldn’t get a panic attack now anyway because if he did, there was no way he could even try to help Suzaku to calm down.
After a while Suzaku’s breaths started slowly but surely to even out and become more steady even though he was still crying and trembling lightly. That was the effect Lelouch had possessed and, thankfully, still did on Suzaku. He was always the light in the dark that guided Suzaku back home from the dark and deep waters. Lelouch had always been the one Suzaku could rely on no matter the situation because he cared. He was the one that stood there always waiting for Suzaku with open arms (well, figuratively, Lelouch wasn’t really one for public displays of affection). And whenever Suzaku got lost, Lelouch dragged him out and away from the dark abyss that were his intrusive thoughts and self-hatred. Sure, Lelouch too struggled with the same things, but he had never let it stop him from being there for Suzaku, or so it seemed.
And somehow, even if Suzaku couldn’t comprehend how, Lelouch always found a way to forgive Suzaku even when Suzaku couldn’t forgive Lelouch. Sure, it wasn’t always easy, but at least always until now, Lelouch kept wanting to talk first, which most often led to forgiveness. And yet, even when he kept on forgiving, he couldn’t understand how someone else could forgive him for many things.
Surely, Lelouch always found a way to protect Suzaku from everyone, even Suzaku himself — or, at least he could do it as long as the one he should protect Suzaku from wasn’t named Lelouch vi Britannia. The only person Lelouch was never able to protect his friend (or anyone, at that matter) from was himself.
At some point Suzaku could hear Lelouch’s relieved sigh through his sobs, although unclearly. It took a while until Suzaku realised Lelouch had began talking to him though, even if he wasn’t able to make out what words had been said. Suzaku looked up to see Lelouch look worried — which, honestly speaking, wasn’t surprising. Lelouch always got worried when his friends seemed to be struggling with basically anything. Considering how easily his friends got in trouble, it was more surprising that ‘worried as hell’ hadn’t become his usual state of mind by now. ‘Frustrated and suffering because of the idiots I call my friends’ also seemed like a good alternative to it. Suzaku let his eyes turn down again.
“You’re safe, Suzaku. I’m here now. We’ll figure everything out because there’s nothing the two of us couldn’t do together. We’ve believed in that all these years until now, there’s no reason for it to become false now”, he comforted Suzaku, and the reassuring tone in his voice was enough to make Suzaku glance up at Lelouch and smile weakly, even as his eyes were still teary.
“Yeah, that’s true. We can do anything, right? Is it really possible for us to find a way to be together even though I work as Zero now and can’t quit?”
“Of course it is, even if I still don’t think I deserve that chance at happiness. We’ll find a way, like always. Somehow. I promise.”
“And maybe we could tell Nunnally the truth and she could help u—”, Suzaku began but couldn’t get to finish his sentence before Lelouch interrupted him.
“No. That, if something, is not going to happen. I have already hurt her enough, and if she were to learn I am, in fact, alive, there wouldn't be any way for us to see each other even then because it could really hurt her reputation and also possibly endanger her if we were seen together. There is also a likely chance it would hurt her even more. I don’t want to be the cause of her pain anymore. Besides, she seems to be doing well, and I am not going to take that away from her even if it ends up costing me absolutely everything.”
“You’re making decisions for her again. She’s a grown woman even if she’s your little sister”, Suzaku shot back.
“Maybe so, but it could also put you and world peace at risk. There’s no way I am putting the safety of the two I love the most and the world itself just because I want to be able to see my sister again. Maybe one day, if the world mostly forgets what I look like and is sure I couldn’t be immortal, and if the chance to do so decides to present itself.”
Lelouch was frowning, his brows creased. It was clear he was being serious and that arguing with him in that state would be of no use, so Suzaku just decided to agree. Not that he didn’t understand what Lelouch meant anyway, he had worried about the very same thing just some time ago. Like, a day earlier, in fact, when he and Nunnally had been talking in her office. He didn’t want to hurt the young empress either, that was for sure. Suzaku had to admit, Lelouch was right. They couldn’t tell Nunnally no matter what. There was absolutely no way they could.
Suddenly Suzaku remembered that he still didn’t know how in the world he had received the recording ten years after Lelouch’s death. Sure, the boy was alive and all, but he thought it should be extremely difficult for anyone to get inside the Royal Palace, let alone if you were deemed the Demon Emperor by the people. And just a week before Zero’s Day it should be even more difficult, the guards should be on very high alert all the time.
“Soooooo.... About that recording I received.”
“Oh god, here we go.”
“How the hell did you get it to me?”
Lelouch thought about what to tell Suzaku for a while before deciding that telling the truth would be the best idea.
“Well, I actually asked C.C. to do it.”
“I can’t find myself believing that.”
“I did ask. She said no”, Lelouch sighed and let his eyes wander to his side.
Suzaku snorted. “How surprising.”
“So, I had to get it there myself. It was actually alarmingly easy to bullshit my way in. I just told them the flower shop near the centre of Pendragon sent me to ask what kind of flowers were wanted, gave one of the maids a paper she needed to bring to Nunnally — it was the actual thing, I got it from the flower shop itself — and then I went to the garden quickly to place it in front of the grave. I kind of just guessed you would come there at some point before anyone else, since I don’t think anyone but you, Nunnally and some of your old friends would ever visit it. It was still very early morning so I guess you were still asleep.”
“I was probably not asleep since I saw a nightmare about your death that night, like I often do.”
Lelouch flinched. He hadn’t realised he had hurt Suzaku that much. Sure, he himself suffered from nightmares, but he felt horrible for causing Suzaku to get them as well.
“I’m sorry”, he whispered.
Suzaku shook his head and hugged him. “It’s okay, now that you’re back — although I’m still kind of tempted to punch you again. Which reminds me, sorry about that.”
“You’re really not sorry, are you?”
“Nope. You deserved it.”
“I suppose I did. I would probably deserve it if you punched me again as well, but please don’t do it, you really make it hurt.”
Suzaku snorted again. He grabbed Lelouch’s chin so he could turn the boy to look at him again. He smiled at him and pressed another soft kiss on Lelouch’s lips.
“We’ll be okay one day, right?”
“Yes. We will be okay, even if it takes a lifetime before that.”
Their future didn’t look very bright, but they decided that was fine, they wouldn’t let it stop them. They would fight for one another because neither wanted to lose the other again. It wasn’t even a question whether they would or not. They loved far too much to give up or let go ever again. Maybe that meant they would be okay one day.
So yeah, sure, their future didn’t look bright, but they would be okay nevertheless. Now they had each other, so maybe finding something worth living for wouldn’t be so difficult anymore. No, it was because they had each other that they had something to live for.
Suzaku held Lelouch’s hands in his and smiled. He brought them to his lips and kissed them which made Lelouch chuckle. So, even though the two of them were far from being fine, they could find a way to survive. They could definitely find a way to be happy again, certainly.
And, even if the whole world was against them one day again, it would be alright. As long as they were side by side, there wasn’t anything that could stop them. As long as their hands were intertwined they would get through this.
That much was sure; even if they didn’t live happily ever after in the way all the fairytales always ended, they would live. Their life wasn’t even a fairytale to begin with, that it had already proven. Certainly they could find happiness if they lived long enough.