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The thing about being in the constant presence of one Pete Wentz is that you must always be prepared for his terrible sense of humor. If you fell for every dumb trick he played on you, you could possibly go insane.
And so, needless to say, Patrick is going to go insane. Not just from Pete’s shitty jokes, but from the fact that Pete decided Patrick just needed to hear this one at 8:00 am, knowing full damn well Patrick doesn’t get up until at least noon. As Pete swings the bunk curtain open and startles him awake, Patrick begins to regret ever joining Joe’s band.
“WAKE UP PATRICK, YOU HAVE TO GET UP! HURRY” Pete shouts at his groggy lead singer. “C’MON, QUICK!”
“Pete, I swear to God, if no one’s dying and the bus isn’t about to explode, I will actually strangle you,” Patrick grumbles, refusing to even begin to rise until Pete gives him a reason to (like strangling him).
“NO ‘TRICK, IT’S EVEN WORSE! IT’S...IT’S….updog!” Pete lowers his voice to a conspiratorial level, staring at Patrick with wide fearful eyes.
“Uh...w-what?” Is Patrick’s intelligent reply.
“It’s updog, dude! C’mon ‘Trick, are you freaking serious?! UPDOG!”
“Wha...I-wait, uh...just, what?” If Pete wants Patrick to freak out, he’s doing a shitty job of it. Right now, Patrick is just confused and tired and kind of irritated by Pete’s unfortunate Pete-ness.
“IT. IS. UPDOG.” Pete grinds out once more, looking ready to drag Patrick out of the bunk himself. Seeing Pete look so serious, Patrick decides to at least try and understand the situation.
“Um...What is updog?” he finally asks.
Silence overtakes the room. Pete gives him a stoney look and leans over so his face is a mere inch away from his. And then, in a grave voice, he whispers “Nothing much, dog, what’s up with you?”
The silence continues for a few more seconds until Pete’s face breaks into a big dumb grin and he lets out an evil laugh. From the main room right next to the bunks Patrick can hear poorly-stifled laughter from Joe and what sounds like Andy whispering “I can’t believe he actually fell for that”. Patrick agrees with him. For awhile, he only stares forward as he mentally punches himself in the face.
At least Pete gave him a good reason to get out of bed. He has strangling to do.
______________________________________________________________________________
“C’mon ‘Trick, give me a break! That one was good!”
Patrick sighs in frustration as Pete continues to whine at him. After his shitty wake-up call and the subsequent strangling of his bassist, Patrick has spent his morning ignoring Pete as best he can. It’s not even because he’s angry that he fell for Pete’s joke. He’s dealt with his sense of humor for years now. No, it’s because Pete just can’t seem to let it go.
“Really though, I seriously can’t believe you fell for that! That was awesome!”
Patrick really just wants to go back to sleep.
“You got me Pete, good for you, haha, whatever,” Patrick says grumpily. “Couldn’t you have at least waited until a decent time to do that?”
“8:00 am is a decent time, man. That’s when normal people get up.”
From the other side of the room, Joe snorts at Pete’s comment.
“Dude, since when has anyone in this band been normal?”
“I used to be normal, until this asshole came and drove me crazy!” Patrick huffs, glaring at Pete.
“Hey, don’t pretend you don’t love me!” Pete retorts. “Honestly, you are being such a dickfor right now!”
“A what?”
“A dickfor! Don’t you know what that is? Seriously ‘Trick, do you know fantasy at all? That’s a major mythological creature! Aren’t you supposed to be a nerd or something?”
Patrick, because he’s a) very tired and b) an idiot that never learns his lesson, responds “What’s a dickfor?”
Pete gives him an incredulous look and then smirks.
“Patrick, I’m surprised you don’t know what a dick is for by now. Want me to show you?”
For the second time within an hour, Patrick gives in to his violent urges.
______________________________________________________________________________
“Pete, I swear, if you make one more of those jokes, you are dead to me.”
Although Patrick says this, it’s actually a lie. Pete has been dead to him since 8:00 am this morning. At this point, he’s only adding more depth to his grave.
“Where’s your sense of humor, dude? Learn to have some fun,” Pete muttered, rolling his eyes.
“We both know being the butt of a joke isn’t my idea of “fun”.”
“Nah man, but it’s totally mine.”
Patrick sighs and hopes that they reach the venue soon so he can escape Pete and his tendency to be annoying. He had hoped Joe and Andy would agree with him, but going by the snickers they let out whenever they look at him, he’s starting to think they enjoy his suffering just as much as Pete.
Too bad for them that Patrick isn’t going to fall for one of Pete’s tricks again. Nope, not a chance in hell.
“Hey, before you two try to kill each other again, have you heard about that new virus going around?” Joe chimes in unexpectedly, gaining the attention of his bandmates.
“Okay, first of all, Patrick is the only person trying to commit murder here, I’m just trying to have some lighthearted fun,” Pete points out as Patrick adds another couple of feet to Pete’s already mile-deep grave. “Second of all, what virus? I haven’t heard anything about that.”
“Apparently it’s been ravaging Europe. It’s pretty fucking bad dude,” Joe says, a bit a concern entering his normally disinterested voice. “They’re calling it Bofa.”
If Patrick wasn’t too busy worrying about Europe, he would’ve noticed the smirk Joe and Pete shared and Andy’s exasperated facepalm. Unfortunately, worrying is Patrick’s specialty.
“That’s terrible! What does it do? Are people dying? Is there a cure yet? Is-”
“Patrick calm down dude, it’s okay!” Pete cut through Patrick’s rant. “I actually have heard about this, now that I think about it. There is a way to cure Bofa, or so I’ve heard.”
“Really? How?”
“You’ve got to ligma.”
“...Ligma?”
Patrick realizes his mistake the moment Pete pulls out his signature asshole-grin.
“Yeah, ‘Trick. Lig-ma-BALLs! BOFA THEM!” And with that, Pete and Joe break down into howls of laughter while Patrick’s will to live plummets.
At least Andy actually seems to be on Patrick’s side this time. He even blocks the entryway to the bunks to keep Joe and Pete from escaping Patrick’s wrath. He’s a good friend like that.
After sufficiently terrorizing his other two “friends”, Patrick pulls out his phone. If Pete insists on keeping this up, then Patrick is going to find his own ammo.
______________________________________________________________________________
“Ten minutes until you’re on!” Pete hears a stagehand shout by the dressing room door. The four were all in there together, finishing their pre-show rituals before they go out and kill it (because they will kill it, because they’re Fall Out Boy, and they’re awesome like that). There’s normally not much talking that goes on during this time, everyone too wrapped up in their own thoughts. This is why Pete’s surprised when Patrick approaches him with a cautious look, staring at something above his head.
“Hey, um, Pete? What’s that?” he asks slowly, clearly disturbed by whatever he’s seeing.
“What’s what?” Pete responds as looks up in an attempt to find whatever is freaking Patrick out.
“T-The thing on your head! I-I uh, I think that’s updoc, Pete!” Patrick stammered, now backing away.
“Wait, what? What the hell is updoc?!?”
Patrick’s nervousness vanishes as he breaks out into a smug grin.
“Nothing much, and there’s no need to call me doc. What’s up with you?” And with one small laugh of victory, Patrick saunters out of the room before Pete can even respond.
In the wake of Patrick’s “revenge”, Pete, Joe, and Andy just stare at each other in silence. Finally, Andy speaks up.
“You didn’t actually fall for that, you just pretended to so he could feel better about himself, didn’t you?” Andy says, already knowing the answer.
Pete beams right back at him.
“Well duh, didn’t want to completely crush his confidence right before we go on. Besides, he always puts on his best show when he thinks he’s cooler than me, it gets him all sassy and excited up there. I’m such a genius!” He states proudly.
“No, you’re an asshole,” Andy deapans.
“Honestly, I think he’s both a genius and an asshole. An geniasshole, if you will,” Joe says airily.
“Pretty sure smartass is a better word, but whatever floats your boat man,” Andy sighs. “Now let’s get out there before Patrick comes back and hears Pete talking like that. I’d rather not deal with any emotional breakdowns or dead bassists tonight.”
Luckily, throughout the show, Patrick is too busy feeling good about himself to notice the looks of both amusement and pity he’s getting from his bandmates. Satisfied with how his day of tormenting his best friend worked out, Pete begins to plan for tomorrow. He’s a genius asshole like that. A geniasshole, if you will.