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"hey dude whats up?" said you.
"ah yeh nothin much. jus cookin these leafs i am," sniper replied, spit flying out of his rugged mouth slightly when he said 'leafs'.
it kinda sounded more like he said 'leafts'. it was very endearing.
"what kinda leafts are thh aAHHHH THERES A FFFUCKING GOCKROACH ON THE WALL AHHH?????"
"got it," said the hardy assassin, he slid his shoe off as the sock slid out and smacked the floor moistly. with marksman accuracy
"HGGGHGHG ITS FLYING OH GOD JESUS FUCK"
"calm down ya fuckin priss, god" he chuckled, and flung his shoe sole first at the bug. "There we go! nothing to it darlin" he said with a big grin on his face. Swiftly he grabbed the remains of bugge from the ceiling, cracked them like an egg and tossed it into the pot. "thats protein, that is."
your brows knit like a passionate grandma who just woke up from a coma but its fucking christmas and yalls grandkids are NOT going jumperless this chrissy, oh no. "mick i am not eating that..."
"no worries! all the more for me," he said jovially. "honestly you all civilised human beings and such have a narrow palate. roach doesnt taste bad (a/n: yes it does), maybe one day bugs all youre gonna get in the way of meat."
it was 11:59pm for your brows, december 24th, your grandkids were going to wake up any second. like clockwork they were.
"er, yeah, engie told me about that. anyway."
"by the way, darling, cockies taste a bit like (whatever cockroaches taste like, google it) (a/n: bad)"
"MICK!" raised your ass was from his mattress where it was ploppethed before, you scrambled for his discarded shoe and frizbeed it at his diaphragm. you missed and it went in the soup. "ah shit my shoes gonna smell good. only one of em though." he said as he ladeled it out. "hold on, gonna dip the other one"
"yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable to me. aaand uh. Sorry about that," you sheepished, "i fuckin... i know arrow stuff, not, frizbee stuff. i swear id've got you."
"Its fine you goof. We can figure out frizby stuff in a bit if you want."
"its gettin dark though?"
sniper peeked through the curtains. "yeah, i guess. pretty sure most wildlifes pissed off from around here though. except ratbags and stuff. you got those sneakin, but i dont think we'll have to pay a fee if we accidentally hit one of those."
"HA," you honked squidwardly. "'sfine then. lets do it. you got frizbys?"
"uhh no you cool with kukris? kinda sounds the same."
"no dude. i kinda like you a bit and i dont want to accidentally splat your guts."
"jus means you gotta be more careful," he grunted, currently on the floor wedging his other shoe off. "fuck whys it so hard? literally dont know"
"maybe one of ur foots smaller than the other" you suggested. "also untie the laces"
"yea but that means ive gotta stick em back in the hole and fuckn.."
you scuttled to his side. "nah check this out," you said, and pulled the long side of the bow.
"huh. now that is efficient."
"oy mate," you chucklefucked, "those ratbags yer talkin bout... you mean spies huh? you totally do, dontcha?" your glee was so unmasked that the skin had proverbially melted off your face and left weird musculature and shit. "hohohoho" you santa'd.
"yeah," he nudged, "yeah i mean those sneaky fuckin spoys... sneaky!" with a grand sploosh he tossed his other shoe in the weird leaf soup bug thing.
"bet that means they eat rats huh?"
"oh fuck yeah it does," he chuckled darkly. with discernible levels of evil, you chuckled along yourself. "never eaten rat before actually," he added.
"yeah same." you two made white people faces at eachother til you decided, "we should ask a spoy."
"bonzah," he australianed. you highfived his unsoupladeled hand.
"so i don't think that leafs was actually edible based on my headache. good shoe wax though. lets head outside," he said. he poured the horrible shit water onto the ground a little ways into the shrubbery. "yeah" he beamed, basked in the sunsets glow. you nodded in agreement. "Leave the door open love, i think that experiment is best left to air out."
"thought med was more the type for pushing the limits of the human condition and all that," you bullshat airily. "i certainly have my moments!" he boasted. you smiled - fairly gayly to be honest. what a guy.
"uh, so like," you started, "no frizbees." sniper made ass to ground contact "yup." and collected his incredible gangly legs into a pile. "bet snout has some, hes all sporty and such."
you kneeled down next to him, all fluttery and shit. "haHAA maybe t'morow? not now. now is nice."
"sure is," he said appreciatively, eyes obscured by the reflection of the sunset on his glasses. "come over here, jitterier than a hopping mouse i reckon. dont get ya sometimes."
WARM MAN WITH HAIRY ARM EMBRACE
"love have you tried weed"
"nah?"
"think its a good idea considering your temperment. ill see if i can get my hands on some."
u wheezed