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Keith wasn’t sure what this was. He wasn’t sure there was a word for it but he knew it was something. He would be the first to admit that he didn’t know a damn thing about relationships, about getting close to other people. The closest he’d been to anybody was Shiro, and then the rest of the paladins, and now Lotor.
Lotor. He wasn’t sure what they had between them. He couldn’t easily label it. He knew it was special. It was something he didn’t have before. It was warm, it was comforting, it was exciting, and it was absolutely terrifying. This was the scariest thing Keith had felt for anyone in his life. It used to be the unbridled rage he’d felt a few times in his life. Those had been some scary moments, but they didn’t even compare to this. This pull towards Lotor, this swelling in his chest every time he saw him. The way it tugged his mouth into a smile every time Lotor smiled at him.
It was the way he was finally able to sit in silence with someone new. The way their bodies just leaned into one another. The cohesiveness of their movements while training and on missions. He hadn’t connected with anyone like this before. He loved it. He loved him. Oh god he loved him.
It hits him in the middle of them doing absolutely nothing of importance. They’re in Lotor’s room, something they’ve been doing a lot. They spend a lot of time together, they’ve slept in the same bed, they’ve gotten so close to more that Keith is sure there’s something substantial here.
Lotor is sitting up, his hair is pulled up and he’s not in his normal armor. He looks softer, at ease, and relaxed as he’s reading through Honerva’s old records. He’s looking for something. Keith isn’t sure of what. He’s been sitting next to him, looking at reports from Kolivan and Shiro in the last few weeks. He hasn’t seen the others in so long, he misses them. But he likes where he is right now too, he likes being with Lotor. The man had requested Keith help him, be his liaison between Voltron and the Blade of Marmora.
“We make a good team you and I,” Lotor had said. A soft smile on his face and Keith remembers smiling, almost involuntarily. He remembers the feeling of being important, valued, someone actually wanting him around.
He thinks of it again as he looks over at Lotor. He’s biting his lip, staring in concentration at a language that Keith can’t understand. His face is illuminated by the soft blue glow of the holo-screen and Keith’s chest swells. He smiles again.
I love you
Keith’s body locks at the thought. Fear burns as he thinks that he said it out loud. He didn’t, Lotor hadn’t looked up, the words had stayed in his head.
Keith is frozen in his spot, staring at Lotor’s side profile as he’s reeling from his realization. He was in love with Lotor, he was really in love with him. Lotor, who had sat him down and talked to him about being half galra. He encouraged Keith to embrace it, understand that it made him beautiful, that he wasn’t evil because of it. Lotor who had listened to Keith as he opened up about all of his confusion growing up, behaviors that could only be explained by his heritage. Lotor who had sat quietly beside him as Keith talked about his fear of abandonment, his mom leaving, his dad leaving. They had cried together, Keith had never cried in front of someone, with someone like that before. Lotor who had smiled at him so fondly, more so than anyone else had. Lotor who was just as unused to being around people as Keith. They worked so well together. Keith felt safe with him, he trusted him, he felt like a better person around Lotor. Lotor felt like home, somewhere Keith could belong.
“Keith?” Lotor’s voice was soft and Keith was snapped out of his thoughts. Those golden eyes were looking at his face with such concern. Keith must have been starring.
“Yeah, sorry, was just,” he shrugged, “stuck in my thoughts.”
“Is everything alright?” Lotor puts his holo-pad away and turns to face Keith.
I’m in love with you
“Yeah, yeah, yeah I’m good.” Keith gives Lotor a small smile. “Probably just, just need some sleep I guess.”
Lotor nods, “yes we have had a busy day. Come here,” Lotor lies down and holds his arm out to Keith.
Keith sighs, sets his own holo-pad down and curls up to Lotor’s side. The other’s arm curls around his back, holds him close, and the hand goes into Keith’s hair.
He loves this. He loves him. God that’s terrifying. His gut twists at the thought and he tries not to focus too hard on it. He focuses on how Lotor smells, which is new and it’s different than anything he’s smelled before but it smells wonderful. It’s different than an earthly sort of clean. He’s pretty sure it’s Lotor’s natural scent and whatever soap he uses. Alien smells are different than earth smells. He falls asleep easily, he’s exhausted and it’s hard to stay awake when he’s warm, there’s fingers playing with the ends of his hair, and he can hear Lotor breathing slowly beside him.
Keith wouldn’t say he avoids Lotor after that night, because he doesn't. He’s just, around him less. He has more alone time. He pushes himself into training, he spends more time working with Kolivan through communicators, directing the Blade to places in the Empire that need help. He spends a lot of time catching up with the others. Lance and Hunk have a lot to tell him and he enjoys seeing them again. He feels like he has a family when he talks to them. But there’s an emptiness still. It feels like something is missing.
He can feel that he hasn’t been around Lotor a lot, they haven’t spoken much. Keith is trying to convince himself that Lotor isn’t spending time with him either, he’s really focused on his quintessence work and therefore Keith isn’t missed much.
He’s not sure if he’s trying to talk himself out of loving Lotor, trying to make himself not like him, because that’s not what he wants. He just doesn’t want to confront how he does feel. He’s falling into old habits. Pushing someone away before they push him away.
There’s no way Lotor feels the same, at least not to the same degree. Lotor cares about him, sure, but he doesn’t have time to fall in love with anyone. Lotor doesn’t trust people easily. Keith knows that.
It’s been a few weeks now and Keith finishes his call with Kolivan before there’s a knocking. He turns as the door slides open and Lotor walks in.
“Do you have a moment Keith?”
Keith nods and steps down from the control panel so he’s closer to Lotor. He just about comes up under his chin. He wants to curl right up to his chest, it’s been a while.
Lotor’s shoulders are tense, he looks worried. Did he find something bad? Maybe a colony fell again. Keith is rushing through so many different things when Lotor finally speaks again.
“Is everything alright? I know we’ve both been busy but I’ve noticed that you,” Lotor pauses, looking for the words, “I’ve noticed that you’re pulling away. If there’s anything I’ve done to upset you or if there’s anything bothering you please,”
“Lotor, no, it’s not,” Keith waves his hand, stopping him from speaking. Oh no, Lotor thinks he did something wrong.
He looks into Lotor’s eyes and Keith’s heart breaks. He looks so scared, it’s a vulnerability Keith rarely sees, from Lotor or from anyone really.
“No you haven’t done anything wrong. I promise, I’m just, I’ve just,” he doesn’t know what to say.
“If you wish to go back to the Blade of Marmora and do your work, somewhere other than here, then I understand. It must be hard to be away from your friends,”
“No!” He probably didn’t need to shout. Lotor looks taken aback, “No, I like being here. I like being here with you.” With you. That’s the most important thing.
Lotor relaxes a little, his eyes light up just a bit. He smiles.
“That’s a relief to hear.”
“I like working with you and spending time with you,” Keith says, his voice softer now. He steps closer. There’s less than a foot of distance between them. He reaches his hand out to gently hold Lotor’s arm, just above his wrist. Lotor pulls him close and leans down to press his forehead to the top of Keith’s head. Their hands intertwine and Keith wants to stay there forever.
“Then what is it? You’ve been distant from me, I’ve been worried. I don’t,” Lotor pauses, almost like he’s choking on the thought.
Keith feels cold. He knows that paranoia well, the dropping of the stomach, and the burning in your eyes when you realize that someone is gonna leave. They could leave. He wants to cry, thinking that he did that to Lotor.
“I,” He more mouths the word than actually speaks. He steps back and Lotor looks like he wants to pull him back to him, hold him tight and never let go.
He lets Keith step back however. Keith needs to look at Lotor as he says this.
“I think I’m in love with you,” he says and it’s like something explodes inside of him. It’s relief. It’s out now. But there’s a sick feeling, something trying to twist itself up in his throat.
“I think I’m in love with you and it scares me,” Keith says again and he feels his eyes water up, “I’m so terrified Lotor.”
“Oh my love,” Lotor gasps and he steps closer to pull Keith to him again. Keith wraps himself around him immediately, he clutches tightly to the chest place and he sighs and he inhales Lotor’s smell.
He hears a sniffle above him, but Lotor’s chest is moving like he’s laughing.
“I was so scared Keith, that you, the exact opposite of this.” He tilts Keith’s face up then, his forefinger a gentle push to make Keith look into those beautiful golden eyes. They’re warm and Lotor is smiling in a way that Keith has never seen before.
“I love you, more than you know.” Lotor leans down and kisses Keith’s forehead, his touch feather light, like he’s scared of breaking this moment. Keith feels like he’s dreaming. He’s thought about this so much. Lotor’s lips are so soft and warm as they cover Keith’s entire face. Keith stops him right before they cover his lips and steps back.
“How are you, how are you not scared?” Keith asks, he’s shaking now. He’s overwhelmed from affection, no one has been that gentle with him before, and he’s full of so many emotions he isn’t sure what to feel other than fear.
“What do you mean?”
“Being in love, it’s terrifying. I’m so scared, I can’t, we can’t,” His voice cracks as he struggles to speak.
“Why not?”
Keith is starting to panic, he’s waving his arms and he’s pacing now. His heart is racing faster and he’s finding it hard to focus.
“We’re still at war, we have so much else to worry about, we don’t have time for, anything like this and not to mention that you’re thousands of years old and,”
“Keith, love, breathe,” Lotor steps up to him again and grabs his shoulders firmly. Keith pauses and takes a deep breath. He closes his eyes and tries to ground himself in the moment. Lotor is murmuring softly and he opens his eyes again to look up at him.
“I,” Lotor starts and then bites his lip, “I have never felt this way about anyone before and yes, it terrifies me. But I have, I have been afraid for so long Keith. I never thought I could, would feel this way for someone. In the last 10,000 years I haven’t felt this kind of closeness. I trust you, with my whole heart and I,” He smiles and he pulls Keith closer, to kiss his forehead once more with a little more force. “I know we have a lot of work to do, the future is unpredictable, and I know you’re afraid, I understand you’re fear but I promise I’m here and I don’t plan on going anywhere.”
“But you can’t, you can’t know that. You can’t promise that,” Keith whispers, his voice shaking.
“I can and I will,” Lotor says a little defiantly, Keith can hear the smile in his voice. Lotor steps back and then he’s cupping Keith’s face in his hands. “You’re right, that we can’t control things like that but I don’t want to stop myself from loving you while I can, and for as long as I can while I worry about things that I can’t control. I have done so much in my lifetime, all of which left up to the future and the fates and I wouldn’t be where I was if I thought about only failure.”
Keith sighs, Lotor’s thought process amazes him. The optimism is refreshing and he’s trying so hard to not immediately reject such a thing.
They stay in silence for a moment, just breathing, Lotor’s fingers rubbing at Keith’s cheeks.
“Say it again,” Lotor whispers, “I want to hear you say it again.” He looks nervous and Keith smiles up at him.
“I’m in love with you,” Keith whispers. Lotor leans in, Keith can feel his breath on his face.
“Again, please.” Keith lets out a small laugh at the please, such manners.
“I’m in love with you, I am so in love with you.”
Lotor takes a shuddering breath and then their mouths are slotting together and Keith feels on fire. It’s warm and soft and full of intensity and Keith hasn’t had a kiss this good in a long time. He wraps his arms around Lotor’s middle as Lotor keeps holding his face.
They’re breathing heavily into it and Keith’s whole body is shaking by the time Lotor pulls away.
“I love you too,” Lotor pants, “I love you so much, I love having you in my space, I love seeing you smile, I love you Keith.”
Keith’s eyes burn and he whispers it back, again and again.
He’s scared still, scared of Lotor slipping away, leaving him. But he’s not consumed by it, he won’t let it. He wants to keep kissing Lotor like this, he wants to wake up to him every day, he wants to help rebuild along his side. He wants to trust Lotor. He’s so in love with him and Lotor loves him.
And for now, that’s enough.