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It is dark.
Levi knows he has opened his eyes, he's sure he has, and yet, a wall of blackness meets his gaze. He blinks rapidly, heartbeat increasing, until the darkness slowly attains form, hints and highlights of lines and curves swimming into view.
And that is when the rest of his senses crash into him.
The dim room around him spins sickeningly; stabs of pain erupt in his head and various other parts of his body. He feels like hurling, but even though his stomach is squirming, he knows it is empty and that there is nothing to throw up.
It takes several seconds for Levi to acclimatize himself to his state. Only after his heart rate starts to calm down somewhat does he feel the cold, smell the antiseptic. He blinks again to confirm what he has recognised: he is indeed in one of the medical wards back at HQ.
He tries to remember how he got here but draws a blank; automatically, his brows slant into a frown, which exacerbates his headache. With a grunt of pain he quickly rearranges his expression.
A rustle, a whisper in the wind. “Levi?”
Levi jumps with surprise, then lets out another groan of pain at the sudden movement. “Erwin?” He confirms, his throat dry and his voice a mere rattle.
“Yes.” Erwin stirs and Levi finally sees him: hunched up in a chair in the darkest corner of the room. “How do you feel?”
“Like shit,” Levi rasps.
“Unsurprising,” Erwin whispers.
“What… what happened?” Levi asks.
“You don't remember?”
“No…” Levi tries to peer into the darkness, just to make out what expression Erwin is sporting, because his voice is telling him nothing. But he can't see his face and so he grits his teeth against the pain and growls, “Come into the light.”
Erwin complies immediately; he stands up, drags the chair until he is right next to Levi's bed, then sits in it again. It is still dark, but Levi can now see his face.
“What happened?” He asks again, gut twisting with something apart from physical pain.
“You… fell.”
That in itself is enough to give Levi pause. Fell? He can't even remember the last time he fell. Probably when he was still learning in the early days, with Farlan. His gut squirms even more.
“How?” He asks, giving up and frowning anyway against the pain.
“It doesn't matter.”
“Of course it fucking matters!” Levi gasps harshly. “I need to know what I did wrong-”
“You did nothing wrong,” Erwin cuts in. “It was a gear malfunction.”
Levi stares at him.
Erwin sighs softly. “It's alright now. Rest.” He lifts his hand and hesitates, and Levi watches his white fingers as though entranced by them.
… Was that a tremble?
Erwin finally reaches out and places his hand on his forehead, and it is only then that Levi notices the thick bandages wrapped around his head. “You need it,” he murmurs quietly.
Levi stirs. “But-”
“Levi.” He feels a gentle pressure on his arm and realises Erwin has also grasped his elbow. “You can get your answers tomorrow. For now, you need to rest.” His voice is so mellow, so warm, that Levi feels warmth spread in his veins in turn.
“Tell me at least this,” he sighs. “My squad. Are they-”
“They're fine. Unhurt.” He feels him squeeze his arm again and Levi gives in; he relaxes his tense muscles and presses back into his thin pillow.
“Good.”
“Will you sleep now?”
“Yeah.” He glances at Erwin's appearance, really focuses on how ruffled he appears: the bags under his eyes, his hair slipping over his forehead, his uniform messily creased. His jacket is slung over the back of his chair and it is crusted with dried blood. Something about it bothers Levi more than usual. “Did you get any sleep?”
“I'm fine.”
“That's not-”
“I'm fine, Levi.” Another squeeze of his arm, another rush of heat. “I'm perfectly comfortable in the chair.”
Levi gapes at him for a split second. “Shut the fuck up and go to bed,” he mutters, finally sounding like his old self.
Erwin stares at him, then chuckles softly. “Yes, sir.” He stands up, gathers his jacket and some papers from a table in the far corner. “I'll see you tomorrow.” With a final backward glance at the door, he leaves.
Levi watches until he disappears into the dark corridor beyond the room. Then he listens until he can't hear his footsteps anymore. Then, he slips into deep, dreamless sleep.
*
When he opens his eyes again, it is to the sound of pages turning. The room is bright, almost painfully so, and Levi has lived above ground long enough to guess that it is probably high noon. An unexpected person is sitting in the chair by the window.
“Oi,” he mutters, and Hange looks up from the thick tome they are holding. A wide grin stretches their face. “Levi! Finally, you're up. How do you feel?”
He grunts noncommittally. There is still an uncomfortable heaviness in his limbs, his head feels like it is packed with rocks, and his mouth and throat are parched. The pain is still there, but familiar and bearable.
Hange stands up and stretches. “Hang on. I was supposed to tell them when you woke up.” Unexpectedly, they lean forward, grasp his hand and squeeze it warmly. “Glad to have you back.” Before he can ask them what they mean by that, they bound out of the room.
The physician comes in soon enough and subjects him to a barrage of questions, prodding and poking him all the while. Hange hovers by the door, watching intently. Finally, when he is just about ready to scream at the physician, she leaves him, not before informing him that he needs at least three days of absolute bed rest, and that he is off training for at least two more weeks.
“Two fucking weeks?” He spits at Hange, who resume their place by the window. They simply shrug.
“You were hurt pretty bad, Levi.”
“So I've been told,” he mutters, gulping down the water he has been given. Holding the glass is difficult: his hands are heavily bandaged and he can feel a broken finger or two. “But no one is telling me what the fuck happened.”
Hange closes their book again and looks at him contemplatively. “You fell.”
“That's clearly not all of it, Shitty-glasses,” he snaps.
Hange nods. “Okay, you want details. I get that.” They push their glasses up their nose. “Your gear glitched. We think it was the cold, and we’re looking at alternative lubricants for the inner rotors-”
“Hange. Stick to the story.”
They don't respond with their usual levity, and their serious face chills him for some reason. “Right. Well, you were swinging right in front of a ten-metre Titan when that happened. Your anchors froze, your wire went slack and you slammed into its chest. Then it caught you by the arm, dislocating your shoulder.” Levi simply nods, he can feel the dull, familiar ache on his left side. Clearly the shoulder has been reset since then. “You drew your blade instantly with your other arm and sliced its fingers off, making it drop you.”
In the sudden pause, Levi feels obliged to say, “So I fell almost ten metres.”
Hange sighs, to his surprise, and shakes their head. “Erwin caught you. But…”
“But?”
They hesitate slightly before continuing. “You have to understand, he swung at you from a great distance, at the last moment. He couldn't have possibly planned the trajectory you took going down.”
“Just spit it out.”
“You landed. Hard. On your head. Erwin didn't notice immediately, he had to go back to deal with the Titan. No one else was close enough, so it had to be him… It was already reaching for you again. He had to fly up practically in a vertical direction to get at its nape. When it fell, it fell… on you.”
Levi's throat feels dry again. “A ten-metre Titan fell on me.”
They nod solemnly. “I think you were already out when that happened, because of your head…” They sigh and look absently out of the window. “We're lucky Titans are lighter than they look and that they begin to decompose instantaneously. Still, it was a substantial weight.” When they look at him again, there is a strange expression on their face. “Erwin got you out. He pretty much hacked his way through the decomposing corpse to you. Sawed off a Titan rib to get to you. Nicked your back in a few places in the process.”
Levi's heart is thudding. The image this brings in his mind frightens him for some reason.
Hange's voice becomes soft. “He was - scary. Ordered an immediate retreat and insisted on bringing you back himself. And you looked, well, pretty bad. Head wounds bleed. A lot. The recruits were terrified.” They smirk humourlessly. “We've had two transfers to the Garrison already. There probably would've been more, except the Garrison isn't taking any more sign ups this year.”
Hange's last few words are lost to him.
Head wounds bleed. A lot.
He remembers the crusted blood on Erwin's jacket the previous night. He finally understands why that had bothered him so much: Titan blood would have evaporated long ago. The thought makes him feel sick to the stomach.
“Where is he now?” He rasps.
“Who? Erwin?”
He nods curtly.
“Meeting with the mayor and the merchant guild.”
Levi frowns. If they had indeed retreated immediately after Levi's injury, they hadn't had time to recover anything that the merchants had asked in exchange for funding the Corps. Now, with winter so close on their heels, they would have to wait several months before heading outside Wall Rose again. In the meantime, support for the Survey Corps would reduce even more, dooming them to a winter as cold and as difficult as the previous year.
Hange nods as if he has voiced these thoughts out loud. “I know. That's why I'm reading this,” they say matter-of-factly, waving the heavy book in their hand. “It'll soon make excellent kindling.”
“Stop talking shit.”
“It's true!”
A soft knock interrupts them and they both glance at the door. “Come in,” Hange calls out cheerfully and a sheepish face peeks in immediately. “Excuse me, Squad Leader, we heard he's awake…” Then, Gunther Schultz sees Levi sitting up in bed and hastily stumbles in mid-salute. “Captain!” He barks. In the next moment, his other two squadmates squeeze themselves in and step into smart salutes, too.
“Tch. At ease,” Levi mumbles. He's still not used to the formalities of military command.
“We hope you're feeling well, Captain,” Oluo Bozzard says, still formal.
Levi glares at them. “Do I look like I'm feeling well?”
Oluo’s dignified expression falters. Eld Jinn takes the helm. “Captain, we'd like to apologize for failing our duty. We should have been more careful, we should have been there to back you up-”
“Save it.” Levi snaps. “Are any of you hurt?”
Mutely, all three men shake their heads.
“Then you've done your duty and you've done it well.” He pauses, waiting for his words to sink in. “Now, about your cleaning rotas-”
“I've gone ahead and adjusted accordingly, sir,” Gunther pipes up. “We've divided your tasks amongst ourselves equally until you're back amongst us. There should be no problem at all.”
Levi eyes them, considering giving them specifications, but Gunther interprets his look accurately. “I'm doing the dusting, Eld the swabbing and Oluo's doing the stable work.” A small smile appears on his face. “Don't worry, Captain. We've got it covered.”
Levi can't help it: he's surprised, but manages to not show it. He nods, and his men soon take leave of him with almost fond farewells.
“Aw, look at you,” Hange drawls, their eyeglasses gleaming. “You're so sweet with your boys.”
“Shut up, Four-eyes.”
*
He drifts in and out of sleep for the rest of the day. They try to give him more drugs for the pain but he resists resolutely. He has never been used to sleeping for long, and the fact that he was out for most of the previous twenty four hours doesn't sit well with him. Hange leaves sometime in the evening and Gunther takes over but by the end of the day, Levi manages to goad him into leaving. He feels utterly uncomfortable, being as helpless as he is, and everytime he struggles to the bathroom, stubbornly refusing any help, he can hear Kenny's harsh, mocking laughter in his head.
Weakling, his voice echoes in his pounding skull, something he hasn't heard in years. You're fucking useless.
And so, by the time a soft knock sounds on his door well past lights off, Levi is in a very bad mood.
“What.” He snaps, and the door opens soundlessly to reveal a familiar tall silhouette.
“Hello, Levi.” Erwin’s words are low, cautious. “May I come in?”
Biting back an irritable retort, he simply nods.
Erwin heads straight for the chair by the window, and, without being asked, drags it over to the bedside before sitting on it. Levi watches him carefully: he looks absolutely exhausted, there are pronounced bags under his eyes that make him look ten years older and his mouth is set in such a thin, grim line that he looks like he'll never smile again.
“How are you feel-”
“I'm fine, for fuck's sake.” Levi snaps, irritation boiling over. “I've said it a hundred times already: I'm fine.”
Erwin eyes the numerous bandages swathed on Levi. “Not completely, though.”
Levi huffs. “I'll get there soon enough.”
Erwin bows his head. “Yes.” There is a small pause, which Erwin soon breaks, his gaze fixed on Levi's bandaged hand. “I assume you've been told what happened?”
Levi's throat tightens unexpectedly. “Yeah.”
“I see.” Another pause, and then Erwin's voice is lower than ever. “Levi. I must apologize.”
“What?”
“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for what I did to you.”
Levi is stunned. “What you did? Did you suddenly grow ten metres when I wasn't looking?”
Erwin sighs and shakes his head. “I wasn't even thinking when I-”
“Oi. Look at me.” And in that second, Levi realises Erwin hasn't looked him in the eye once since he came into the room. Confusion, anger, and a whole new dangerous sort of feeling is rising in him. “Erwin,” he says urgently. “Look. At me.”
Erwin finally does, and Levi is stunned speechless for a moment. His brilliant blue eyes are as hard as ever, but they're so hollow.
“I put you here.” Erwin says roughly.
“Damn right you did.” Levi mutters. “Or I’d be Titan shit by now.”
“Don't.” Erwin's fists are clenched so tight his knuckles gleam white. “Don't.”
Levi's heart is starting to speed up. “You saved my life.”
“I brought a Titan down on you.”
“Ha. Yeah. After getting me away from its filthy teeth-”
“Levi.” For the first time, the first time ever, Levi hears Erwin's voice break. He thought he had already seen him at his lowest but this is incomparable to anything else. He is silent again, completely at a loss for words. What could he say in the face of such emotion?
Erwin sighs again and looks away; this time his breath is so jagged Levi's own breath hitches. “I -I never… I didn't know what to do. I…” It appears Erwin is struggling to speak too, and it leaves a yawning ache in Levi's chest. “I have never seen you like that. When you were there… you weren't moving. And there was so much -blood, I never expected it, never thought I would have to face it, that I would have to see you like that, see you-” He pauses, and spits the last word out. “Dead.”
“I'm fine,” Levi rasps.
Erwin finally looks at him again and his brows are twisted into a grimace. “Not yet.”
“Soon enough,” Levi says, his voice catching. Then, unable to say anything more, he lifts his hand and offers it to him. Erwin takes it after a moment's hesitation and grasps it so tightly his bandaged fingers throb, but Levi doesn't care. Pain is relative. Pain is necessary. Pain is nothing.
“I put you here,” Erwin whispers.
Levi swallows hard. “Yes. You did.” Erwin leans his forehead on their linked hands and Levi's heart twinges again.
“Thank you.”
Erwin shoots him a glance through the fringe of hair that has fallen on his face. Levi squeezes his hand as best he can, and Erwin simply brings up his other hand to hold his. Sitting like this, his face pressed onto his clasped hands, he looks like he's praying. Levi wonders if Erwin even has a god, and if he does, what he prays for. Somehow, in this moment, it seems pretty obvious what it is.
“It was nothing,” Erwin murmurs at length. “Nothing.”
Hearing his own words from Erwin's mouth touches him deeply. He turns slightly so he can reach forward and bury his free fingers in Erwin's smooth hair, and he feels him let out a soft sigh when he makes contact.
“Thank you,” Levi mutters again. They stay like that for a long time, and at some point, Levi falls into a deep sleep.
In his dreams, Erwin catches him.