Chapter Text
When Taako walked into his apartment Lup was sitting at the kitchen table, running the corner of what looked to be a letter through a candle flame.
It was the third time this month.
“Hold on Lup, douse that bad boy, you know I gotta get a look at the new bushel of bullshit,” he said, walking over to the table after dropping his bags down on the floor. Lup sighed, taking the paper out of the candle flame and pinching the corner that had started to catch before it could spread.
“I don’t know why you wanna see, it’s the same bullshit as always,” she grumbled, handing the paper over to him none the less. The small scorch marks hadn’t reached the words yet, so Taako figured he must’ve caught her right when she started to slowly burn the thing. Taako just shrugged, reading over the letter from, oh, this one was from Uncle Vividar. They hadn’t gotten one from him yet. God, they must be getting desperate. Uncle Vividar had thrown them out the good old ‘come home to find all your shit in the front yard’ way. The fact that they’d gotten him to write them was impressive. No wonder Lup was taking an extra long time burning his letter, gotta squeeze out as much enjoyment from this bad boy as elvenly possible.
“Can you believe these fuckers? We get a little bit of notoriety, and they’re all coming out of the woodwork,” he said when he finished reading the letter, handing it back to his sister to continue with the burning. It was pathetic if he was being honest, it wasn’t even like he and Lup had gotten super rich or anything. Well, not that they knew that, from the little hints in the letters it sure seemed like they thought the two of them had money now.
They had gotten accepted into a super fancy program at their swanky college, but it wasn’t because they bought their way in. They were just that good.
It had gotten them a spot on the news though, along with a couple other people who’d been in the program. One of their relatives must’ve seen it though, and then proceeded to show literally everyone else. Now, every fucking week they’d get a letter from some asshole relative who was ‘so proud’ to hear about their accomplishments and ‘wanted to see them again, it’s been so long now’ and shit. It was almost hilarious how transparent it was.
“I wish they’d go back into the woodwork. And that I could then burn up said woodwork,” Lup said, and the letter was flaming up nicely now. She dropped it onto a plate and let it finish burning. Taako couldn’t blame her for that one, as amusing as the letters were, they were starting to get pretty fucking irritating. He'd be just as happy, if not more so to never get another one.
“I mean, we could write back and tell em to fuck off,” Taako said, but honestly that idea wasn’t too appealing. He doubted they’d give a shit about what they wanted after all. Lup grumbled wordlessly at the suggestion, not sounding too thrilled with it either.
“Ya know,” Taako started slowly, an idea beginning to form in his head. “We could go visit everyone.” He wasn’t surprised in the slightest when Lup’s head shot up with a look of absolute disgust.
“What the fuck? No goddamn way bro bro. You know those assholes don’t actually give a shit about us. I’m not about to play nice with them now that they’ve decided they want a ‘relationship’ or whatever the fuck, they already had a chance to appreciate all of this and they blew it,” she said.
“Who said anything about playing nice?” Taako asked, a smile starting to form on his face. “Listen, Lup, listen, okay they’re inviting us back. If they want us around so badly, if they miss us that much, let’s see just how much of us they can take,” he said, and Lup looked confused for all of half a second before she realized what he was suggesting.
“Wait, Koko, you might be onto something here,” she said and Taako nodded enthusiastically.
“We’re not some helpless little kids at their beck and call anymore, we got more fucking status and panache than they ever will. They don’t got shit on us,” he said and he knew Lup couldn’t argue with him there.
“Taako, my dearest brother and twin, just so we’re clear here, you’re suggesting that we go back to our shitty fucking family who abandoned us and raise goddamn hell,” she asked.
“Abso-fucking-lutely I am,” he said, so fucking pleased with the downright evil smile spreading across Lup’s face.
“God, Taako, you’re a fucking genius.”
The two spent the rest of the night planning when and how this was going to go down. They needed to get the maximum amount of family at one place for the most affect. Something over multiple days would leaving a longer lasting impression on everyone too. It had to be perfect. Thankfully, the answer was staring them right in the fucking face.
“Candlenights break is in two weeks, that's probably why the letters have been increasing,” Lup pointed out as they huddled together over a paper, trying to figure out how to write back. Once the ‘reason’ for coming back was put in place the rest of the letter came easily. They put in the same bullshit all their letters had contained, about missing them and it’d been so long and oh, they’d just love to come visit everyone for Candlenights.
“Lup, I swear after this visit we’re never gonna get another letter asking for us to come on down ever again,” Taako said with confidence once they were finished, sealing the envelope in his hands.
“Oh, I’ve got no fucking worries about that,” she agreed, the two starting to brainstorm on different ways to freak out their relatives. It'd been a while, but it'd be worth it to remember all the bits and pieces of what had really set certain people off when they were little as they could.
“I’m gonna ask Barry to come with us,” Lup said, and that one was kind of a surprise. Like, not that Lup would want Barry around for Candlenights, that was a given. Both her and Taako has spent the last Candlenights at his house, and him and Lup hadn’t even been dating yet at that point. Well, Taako had spent most of last Candlenight's at his house. He'd gotten called away by Magnus and Merle pretty late, and he'd gone along with them hoping if he left Lup and Barry alone they would get on already with the dating thing.
They didn't of course, took another whole three fucking months before either of those idiots made a move, but whatever.
“Can’t stand the idea of not having the boyfriend around on Candlenights that much huh?” Taako teased, but Lup shook her head.
“No, well that too okay, but mainly because you know he’d be down to fuck with these assholes. He’s such a chill looking dude too, they’ll never fucking expect it. They’ll think I’ve actually settled down with a normal guy!” she said and Taako couldn’t help but burst out laughing at that. God, Barold did look painfully normal if you didn’t know him, it was the perfect trap.
“Okay, okay that’s golden Lup you got me. Fuck, go call him now and let him know what’s up,” he said and without hesitation Lup did just that. Taako stayed at the kitchen table, laughing to himself at their plans. God, the weird boyfriend thing was so fucking good, he couldn’t get over it. Like, himself and Lup would be good on their own, natch, but bringing someone as a plus one was a goddamn fucking classic.
Damn it, he wanted to bring someone too.
“Luuuuuup,” he whined at her when she finally came back from talking with Barry. She raised an eyebrow at him all slumped across the table.
“Yes, Taako?” she asked, clearly amused. “Oh, also Barry is super fucking down. He’s got some dead things in jars he’s gonna bring and he even said he’s got one that he’s totally willing to sacrifice if we need it smashed,” she added before he could say what was wrong and damn it that was perfect.
“Luuup, I don’t have a weird boyfriend,” he complained, and he didn’t even need to look up at her to tell she was rolling her eyes at him. “Lup, you get to bring Barold motherfucking Bluejeans and he’s gonna let you smash a formaldehyde pig brain on the shitty casserole and it’s gonna be great and I don’t have a weird boyfriend Lup it’s not fair,” he continued.
“Well, you know you could always get a weird boyfriend,” she suggested, but Taako was already shaking his head. She had no right saying that like it was so easy when she went literal years crushing on a dude before saying anything.
“Ain’t that simple and you know it. I mean, yes, I could get a boyfriend, I’m Taako. I can’t get a boyfriend in two weeks with a guarantee that they’ll be both cool with fucking with a bunch of strangers and capable of doing such,” he said. Lup sat down on the table, nodding thoughtfully.
“Yeah, alright you got a point there, gotta be sure they’re actually viable for the mission,” she said. “Could fake it, bring one of our idiot friends along instead. I’m sure Magnus would be down to hang out over break,” she added, and Taako chewed a nail as he thought that one over. It wasn’t the worst idea, bringing a fake date.
“He would, but Magnus is too likable. He’ll try and be off putting and just end up charming everyone with his lovable oafish self and that’s the opposite of what we want here,” he said. Lup looked like she was about to argue with that for a second, before stopping and thinking it over.
“Yeah no, you’re probably right about that, especially since we’re gonna be there for a few days. You can’t spend a few days with Magnus and not end up liking the dude. I'm pretty sure it's illegal,” she agreed. There was a moment of quiet while they both thought before Lup suddenly snorted out a laugh. “Merle?” she suggested, and Taako burst out laughing.
“I don’t- Lup no. I can’t, I mean, what, are we going for some fucking sugar daddy scenario? Okay, that’d be fucking incredible but no, I can’t pretend to date our fucking dad, I can't do it Lup,” he managed to get out in between bursts of laughter.
“I guess that means Dav is a no go too?” Lup asked, sending Taako into even more fits of giggles.
“Nope, sorry, fuck I can’t, I’m literally dying already,” he said, wiping at his eyes as he slowly managed to get a hold of himself. It would be hilarious, but Taako knew for a fact he wouldn’t be able to keep it together and would end up gagging or something at some point. Not the best thing for their ruse, for sure.
“Okay, well that takes away our main options because you’re so picky,” Lup said. “Uh, if we’re going full fake bullshit here you could always bring Lucretia,” she suggested but Taako was shaking his head again.
“Lup, we want this to be somewhat believable. You’ve seen my straight guy impression before, and honestly Lucy’s isn’t much better. They’ll never believe us,” he said and Lup reluctantly nodded.
“Tuff Gregg was kind of a shitstorm,” she agreed.
“Avi? Avi would be down to get exaggeratedly drunk in front of strangers, that could be fun,” Taako said, but this time Lup was the one to shut it down.
“Just talked to him yesterday, he’s already brought tickets to go back to Brandybuck for Candlenights. Promised to bring back some choice shit for everyone though,” she said and Taako groaned, leaning back in his chair until it hit the kitchen wall behind him.
“Not fair,” he grumbled, starting to chew on one of his nails as he wracked his brain for some sort of solution here. Sure, he could just not bring someone, but there wasn’t any fun in that.
“Um, you remember Kravitz?” he asked after a moment, not particularly liking the look Lup gave him at that.
“I remember you telling me about that dude who ended up breaking Merle’s arm with, what the fuck was it? A chunk of amethyst?” she asked.
“It was a large shard of pink tourmaline and the dude did apologize once he realized we weren’t actually breaking in,” Taako clarified, even though he knew that Lup knew exactly what had happened and was just being difficult. “But yeah, that dude. He’s in my drama class-”
“Because you really need to take a class for drama,” Lup cut in, but Taako ignored her.
“And I don’t know, I’m grasping at straws here but like, he already knows what we’re all about considering the whole arm incident. Also he does a really bad fake accent during class when he gets nervous, and it’s fucking hilarious so maybe it wouldn’t hurt to ask,” Taako said. Lup was still giving him a look, and he knew that look, and he was ignoring it.
“Nope, absolutely would not hurt to ask that really hot dude who you’ve talked to like twice to pretend to be your date for like a week,” she said, sounding oh so smug and Taako was highly considering pushing her off of the table.
“Well if you’re gonna be weird about it then I’m definitely going to do it,” he said, ignoring the way she rolled her eyes at that. “He’ll probably say no or already have plans anyway, I’ll have better luck putting out a personal ad,” he said but Lup shook her head at that.
“Taako, this is for fun and revenge, I don’t want to accidentally invite a real murderer,” she said.
“Okay, you got a point there,” he conceded. “Look, I’ll ask Kravitz and if he says no then, I don’t know I’ll ask fucking Johann or something. That depressed fuck handing out mix tapes to everyone in a half mile radius might be able to get some laughs too, and if he can’t then I’ll just go all alone and sad,” he said, shifting in his chair to lean forward and rest his head on the table. “You sure I can’t fake date Barry and you could find someone else to come with instead?” he tried, already knowing the answer.
“No, if you ever need a fake date to something I’m not going to, sure you can borrow my boy, but not for this one bubula,” she said and Taako sighed.
“Yeah, I figured.”
The next day Taako had dropped the letter off to be mailed on his way to class, and he wasn’t nervous. He was Taako, and this was going to be hilarious, and if Kravitz or whoever didn’t want to be a part of it that was fine. Really, he was gonna have Lup and Barry there, and those two were all he needed in life.
If Kravitz thought he was a total weirdo for inviting him to a Candlenights thing with his relatives to help enact a convoluted revenge plot, well he probably already thought he was a total weirdo for finding him and two other dudes trying to break into the science lab at 2am last Candlenights. It couldn’t be worse than when he threw a model squid at the dude while Magnus yelled in the background about having to amputate Merle’s arm. Taako really couldn’t lose in this situation when that was the background they were going in with.
He got to class early, because he had no idea how long going to the post office would actually take. Thankfully the answer had been ‘not as long as the DMV, but fuck if it didn’t feel that way’ which had left him with plenty of time to get to class.
He was pretty sure Kravitz didn’t expect him to sit down next to him, but besides from the real quick glance over he hid it well enough.
“Sup my dude?” he asked, because hey he had the time and might as well get this out of the way as soon as possible.
“Uh, not much? How are you doing Taako?” Kravitz asked back, clearly sounding confused as fuck. It wasn’t like they never talked during class before, but that was usually because they got put into the same group for some scene, so most of those conversations were about whatever assignment or another. Sometimes they strayed from that, and that was cool, but there wasn’t an excuse to talk to him that Taako had right now. He was just talking for no good reason.
“Oh, good good. Hey, so cha boy needs some help with something, and this is gonna sound like kind of a weird request, but I swear it’s worth it,” he started.
“I’ve yet to find something with you that’s not at least a little strange,” Kravitz said, and he didn’t actually sound annoyed with that, more amused than anything, which okay. Good, that was a good sign.
“Gotta keep the people on their toes and shit ya know? Anyway, uh, you doing anything over break?” Taako asked, and he could see the surprise and confusion all over Kravitz’s face. He managed to get it under control pretty quick though, although Taako could tell he still had no fucking idea what was going on.
“Are you planning another Candlenights midnight heist and trying to keep me out of it?” he asked, and Taako actually laughed a bit at that.
“First of all, all parties involved agreed that whole shitstorm had been Lucas’s fault, and that’s why he was the one expelled. Second of all, nah dog, ain’t anything like that,” he said.
“Fair enough,” Kravitz conceded. “I mean, I don’t have anything specific planned I suppose? I would like to know why you’re asking me though,” he said and Taako couldn’t blame him for that.
“Okay so, me and Lup, you’ve met Lup right?” he asked.
“I’ve heard of Lup,” Kravitz said in a tone of voice that suggested what he heard was exactly the kind of shit Taako would’ve hoped.
“Right, so me and Lup are going back to our shitty relatives for Candlenights. Listen, okay, they’re real fucking assholes. We’re only going back because we were thinking we could enact a little revenge and get them to stop sending us fucking letters trying to get money and shit out of us,” he started to explain. Kravitz was nodding, seeming to be paying pretty close attention to what he was saying.
“I’m sorry your family’s like that and trying to take advantage of you. Do you uh, need someone to watch your apartment or something while you’re gone?” he asked, and yeah, that would probably be the normal request in this scenario.
“Actually, I need a date,” Taako said simply, might as well get that out in the open already.
“Oh,” he swore Kravitz fucking squeaked out the word, it took all of Taako’s self control not to start laughing at the poor dude. He really didn’t want to be an asshole right now though, so he managed to contain himself. “And you’re asking me because?” Kravitz asked after a moment, and ouch okay clearly not interested in that, gotta back it up.
“Not like a real date, this isn’t a couples only thing or whatever. It’s uh, like I said this is to get back at a bunch of complete douche canoes, and me and Lup thought it’d be funny to bring some really bad dates,” Taako started to explain.
“I’m a bad date?” Kravitz asked, and Taako swore he almost sounded kind of hurt and damn it no this was not going well.
“No, no dude not like that, shit. I wanted to know if you could be a bad date, like, intentionally. This is an acting class and shit and I though, uh. Like, okay Lup’s bringing her actual for real boyfriend Barry and he’s gonna bring a bunch of dead things in jars to gross people out and stuff like that, and I wanted to bring someone too but I don’t actually have a weird boyfriend and Lup won’t let me put an ad up on Craig’s list because she’s afraid I’ll get an actual serial killer and that’s just a little too intense for what we wanna do,” Taako said, pretty sure he was speaking a lot faster than he probably needed to.
Kravitz stared at him for a moment, and okay Taako wasn’t nervous before but maybe now he was kind of starting to be a little. Then the dude started laughing and rested his head against his hand.
“Well, when you said it would sound kind of weird you weren’t kidding,” he said, and look, Taako wasn’t one to blush but he was kind of feeling put on the spot here a bit.
“I tried to warn you my dude,” he said with a shrug.
“I um, well I’m not too sure how good I can be at intentionally being bad, but I can try,” he said, and this time it was Taako who looked surprised.
“Wait, seriously?” he asked, and Kravitz shrugged.
“If that was a serious offer. Like I said I don’t actually have anything planned for the break, and from the way you describe your family it seems like it’s for a good cause,” he said, and Taako had to fight down a smile trying to spread across his face.
“Hell yeah it’s a good cause. Cool, uh, yeah cool. Lup and I are still workin out the details, but I’ll keep ya posted I guess?” he said and Kravitz just nodded. The class was beginning to start and it was a little awkward as they both turned to pay attention to the professor.
“So um, what kind of bad date are you, um, looking for exactly?” Kravitz asked quietly, and Taako shrugged.
“Whatever your heart is telling you my dude,” he said.
“…Are pets allowed?”
“What kind of pets we talking?” Taako asked, suddenly extremely curious.
“Um, large bird?” Kravitz said, holding his arms out to what was the approximate size of said bird. Taako had to put his hands over his mouth to muffle the sound of his laughing so that they didn’t get called out.
“Yes, please god this is going to be perfect,” Taako said, not even bothering to try and fight back his smile anymore.
This was going to be the worst Candlenights ever, and he couldn’t fucking wait.