Chapter Text
Dear Loki,
I know I shouldn’t call you ‘dear’. Hell, I shouldn’t even write to you, although I know you will never read this. But I can’t forget you. Every time I close my eyes, I see you before me. I know, I know, you are the villain and I’m the hero, I should feel hate & disgust every time I think of you. But life isn’t black and white. I can almost hear you scoff at my sentiment. I mean, you would say that sentiment is for weak humans, wouldn’t you? “Is this love, Agent Romanov?” – “Love is for children.” You would have gotten along with Tasha, I’m sure. Hell, why am I even thinking about you living with the Avengers? But that’s what I do. I wish for it every day. I wake up and my first thought is how empty my life is. I never realized it before, you made me see it. Because when I first looked at you, sitting on a stair in Germany, every sign of fighting vanishing, I kind of saw into a twisted mirror. Hah, I know that it was just a scheme; I know you wouldn’t give up that easily and that’s what I told Capsicle, but nonetheless. When you gave up, I saw myself giving up. But that’s what I did, isn’t it? I gave up all those years ago in that godforsaken cave. I gave up and let other people shape my life. I gave up on making weapons? But did I do it for me? No, I did it for the world. I didn’t even build the weapons for me, they were for my country. I built the Iron Man suit and I felt free. I started believing that it is possible to make up for my past, that I can save as many people as I killed. I believed I could regain my place in heaven. At first the suit gave me this freedom. It gave me an image, an image I could hold on to when the nightmares wake me up in the middle of the night. Yeah, I have nightmares and in them my hands are covered in blood and I can feel the life oozing out of the people I killed. When I wake up, I’m covered in sweat and fear is ruling my body, my mind, my being. But back then I would look at Iron Man and I would calm down. The suit helped me in so many ways, Pepper or alcohol couldn’t. But, of course, it didn’t stay that way.
I should have seen it coming, back then when Fury broke into my house. Back then, when they hired me as their consultant, even when they couldn’t afford me. I laughed at their stupidity. But in fact they laughed about me. They used me and I never realized. They knew how to push me into doing what they want, because they saw right through me and used my weaknesses against me. That’s why I hate them. They knew how Obadiah used me and still they used me the same way. I hate myself for my own naivety every day. I hate myself how I never stop them from using me, because that would hurt many people and I have already hurt enough. It’s funny how you made me see all this things. Without you, I would have never realized how lonely I really am. Without the nuclear weapon that was sent because of you, I would have never realized how they used me. Without you I would be still living in my own little world where I’m the boy whose life went from ‘That sucks’ to ‘Fucking awesome’. I hate and love you for opening my eyes.
I don’t have time to write more, the good ol’ captain wants to join me their movie night. I wish I had some excuse, because when they chat and laugh, I realize how I don’t fit into this laugh. But I really can’t talk myself out of this, although I wish I had your silvertongue for five minutes.
Tony
P.s.: I really wish you would read this. I wish you could have stayed.
Dear Loki,
Here I am again. Sitting in my lab, trying to build something with my shaking hands. The bottle beside me is almost empty and I can’t stop drinking. The loud music should stop me from hearing myself thinking, but I guess you can’t just shut off my mind. I wish I could, because then I wouldn’t have to go through this. I think you already know that I had a nightmare again. I’m always in the cave again. Did you know I never told them what happened really in there? Sure they know about the reactor and that I was tortured, but I always told them it wasn’t that bad and that I would get over it. I was so wrong. It was too much, you know. The constant feeling of drowning, the fear of never feeling fresh air again, the darkness…it left more marks than a sane person could bear. But that’s the truth, isn’t it? I’m broken, in so many ways. I tell myself every day that I can make it, that I can be whole again, but I slowly accept that it will never be the same. I envy people who have a normal life, people whose biggest problem is that they have to get up at 6 a.m. or how to dress their kids for school. I would give everything to just forget my name, my image, my past, my dreams, everything. Hell, I never wanted to be what I have to be. I just wanted to live my life like everyone else. With problems like having a fight with my teenage kid, but not with I-have-to-save-the-world-problems.
You are keeping me sane, writing to you helps. In my letters I can talk freely, I can push back my pride and let out my real feelings. In letters I don’t have to fake a smile and tell everyone “I’m okay”. I think only in letters I can tell the truth. However, you are really helping. I wish you were here and I could talk to you in words. I bet you would give me an awesome advice. But you are locked away in Asgard, I guess. I hope. I pray that you’re okay.
Tony
Dear Loki,
Did I ever tell you about my father? I bet he was worse than your Allfather-daddy. Howard Stark. When people hear the name they praise his genius, his inventions and talk about him like they talk about god. When I hear his name, I think about rejection, pain and tears. Dads really can be asses. They hit their children, they drink or they leave their kids because they don’t want anything from them. But no dad is worse than the one ignoring you. I’d rather have no dad at all than one who treats you like air. He never said “I love you”, I don’t know why. As a child I have always asked myself why. Have I been too small? Haven’t I been as smart as he wanted? I just really don’t know. So I cried myself to sleep when he ignored the things I built for him and hid the pain I felt every time he rejected me. Today I still don’t know what was wrong with me. But today I can also bury my past in some dark corner in my heart and forget it. Until I wake up from memories that haunt my dreams. Then everything comes back and I have to hold back my tears, because I won’t fucking cry just because my dad didn’t liked me.
I envy every child that has a nice dad who they can talk to and who helps them with their homework. Nobody deserves a father like I had.
Tony
p.s.: Thor came back today from Asgard and told us you’re in prison. I hope you’re okay.
Dear Loki,
I’m slowly losing it. I can’t get on with my life. I drink, I hate myself, and I hide in my lab and drown myself in work. People come and try to get me out, but I’m rejecting them. I don’t even know why. Do you remember the first time I wrote you a letter? I wrote that the world isn’t black and white. There are colors. But they start fading. Every morning I wake up and discover that a new shade of color has vanished. Today it was blue. I can’t see the glow of my arc reactor anymore. The sky is grey. I’m losing it. Please help me.
Tony
Dear Loki,
Did you notice that my letters grow shorter and shorter? I don’t know why. The words just don’t come anymore and my feelings vanish. I feel empty, lonely and wish for somebody to talk to me. For somebody who understands me. But you’re not here.
Tony
p.s.: Today I lost green. I can’t even see the color of your tunics now and it makes me sad.
Dear Loki,
Today Pepper and Coulson got married. The ceremony was great and the party even greater. I used to pick up some girls at a party. We would drink, laugh and later we’d fuck. But I’m not interested in doing this anymore. I have to force myself to smile and laugh. Nobody notices that anything is wrong with me, not even Tasha. I guess I should be proud about my acting talents.
I lost red today. The Iron Man suit starts vanishing.
Tony
p.s.: Are you ok?
Dear Loki,
Thor told us today some funny stories about your adventures. It was the first time I really laughed in months. I’d have loved to see you in a dress! And I love your children. Do you think I can meet Jörmungandr someday? I guess I could find him. Maybe he could tell me more hilarious stories about you.
Miss you,
Tony
p.s.: I can’t see the sun anymore.
Dear Loki,
The world starts getting grey. I can’t see the golden curtains in my room anymore. Even my booze has lost its color. It’s depressing. Gold was the last color of my suit that I could see, and now I even lost that. Iron Man means nothing now; it’s just as grey as the rest of the world.
I always wished I could visit Asgard. The golden city, the realm of eternity. Well, I guess it’s too late now. I will never see it glowing golden in your sun.
Tony
Dear Loki,
Today three children died in an attack. Everyone tells me it wasn’t my fault. But it was mine. If I had gotten there faster, I could have prevented there death. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t hurt anybody, but I broke this promise. It hurts; it hurts so much Loki, please. Please help me.
Tony
Dear Loki,
I love you. You are beautiful and everything I couldn’t be. I hope you’re okay, because I’m not. I lost myself and I will never be whole again. I’m sorry.
Tony
Dear Loki,
Please forgive me for what I’m going to do. Because nobody else will forgive me, they will hate me for the pain I put them through. But it’s the only solution. Do you think your daughter will welcome me in her realm?
I’m sorry. And please forgive me.
Tony
p.s.: Don’t forget I love you.