Archive of Our Own ^beta

i know the metaverse is gone and all so we’re not really technically phantom thieves anymore, but we could still keep the group together right? like we could go actually steal from the rich and give to the poor. real modern day robin hoods (hehe see what i did there)

and since this subreddit is still here, might as well make use of it as an official hideout

what do you guys think?

hello reddit. my boyfriend-except-not-really-because-he-looks-constipated-when-i-call-him-that and i went on our first official real date together where we weren’t rivals trying to mind game each other, or at least that’s what he was doing, i was just making eyes at him honestly

[INFO] what kind of mind games? well i remember one time he brought me to a shooting range and headshot the target without looking and then turned to me and said “this could be you.” he wasn’t being serious but i thought he was because he did shoot me the month before. which, y’know, i thought was a reasonable train of thought, but he said it was conditioning. so yeah, i’ve been shooting him with a water gun every time he leaves school now too to condition him and he gets really angry but then i just shoot him again and… actually, this is kind of off topic

so before the date, he did the polite thing of asking me where i wanted to go even though he very clearly had a place in mind. so i told him i didn’t really care, surprise me, and then he took me to his apartment. now i know i don’t usually put out on a first date, but you gotta understand. this guy is like aphrodite if she was a lot uglier, and i am but a mere mortal, so i’d probably consider it if he asked. which he didn’t, but just saying

turns out that he didn’t want to do the vulgar deed of h*lding h*nds while i serenaded him with my croaky voice. instead, he wanted to burn all the files of his old life. which is understandable, since his dad kinda sucks, but then i discovered that he has this voodoo board where he pins newspaper articles of his dad’s face up on a corkboard and picks one at random to shoot every night. i’m not really sure why his neighbors haven’t complained yet

anyway, he has a lot of these articles, so he spent a solid hour cutting them up and then feeding them into the paper cutting machine. he wouldn’t let me help. he made me sit on the bed and watch as he destroyed nearly a continent’s worth of trees. i tried to h*ld my own h*nd to get his attention, but even this incredibly lewd action didn’t work

he was cackling like mad. i’ve never seen anyone do that on a first date before. that must mean he really likes me, right? the only time i’ve ever seen him laugh like that before is right before he shot me in the interrogation room, and he constantly refers to that event as the happiest moment of his life

after that, he set the pile of paper on fire. right in the middle of the apartment. i guess he put on the whole detective prince moniker just to hide the fact that he only has one braincell. anyway, now the apartment is on fire and we are standing outside in the cold. i’m still h*lding my own h*nd because i started and now it’ll look weird if i stopped. he’s carrying a pile of paper ash that kind of looks like he just burned someone alive, to be honest, and it’s a little worrying because the firefighters keep glancing over, and, well, murdering people is a slightly more offensive crime than setting a building on fire

and now he wants to run away from the crime scene. now i usually don’t elope on the first date, but this guy is really special, you know? i mean, he was chosen as the agent of chaos sent by god (the first one) to destroy the world, and then chosen as the shoujo love interest for the handsome protagonist by god (the second one), so i feel like he deserves as least this much from me

not because you actually support him, but because it’d make him mad

I was never going to post on Reddit ever again, but I need validation, and unfortunately all of the people in my not-boyfriend’s friend circle are ultimately idiots who praise him for everything he does, and i do too btw u/Oracle I will thank you not to hack me while I am typing this post mwehehehe. So I decided I needed some outside opinion, and considering that the people of Reddit have only steered me wrong every single time I’ve posted before, I thought it was a suitable replacement.

My not-boyfriend keeps pestering me to hang out. Now, I normally would not have given in, but he has taken over a… particular subreddit, and he will not stop posting borderline illegal pictures of me on it, and his wonderful and amazing accomplice u/Oracle has hijacked my phone so that it makes the amber alert sound whenever he posts a picture of my ass. This means that I have to explain to my professors why my phone goes off at least ten times per lecture. It is rather inconveniencing.

Therefore, I gave in and made the mistake of allowing him into my apartment. He immediately went snooping. He wandered into my bedroom and found the board where I pinned my father’s newspaper picture up to use as target practice. He suggested that I get rid of it because he didn’t want to have to look at it while we were “you know”. I do not know. He kept looking at me expectantly and it is making me stressed. I wanted to shoot him but I have to remind myself that he is a human being and not a newspaper and he would actually die if I did that. Though, I have shot him in the head before and he is unfortunately still around. Perhaps I should test my hypothesis again one day.

So I went to take down all the photographs of my father and shredded them. It felt strangely cathartic. My not-boyfriend wanted to help, but as this is rather personal business, I told him no. He looked as if I kicked his cat (I did) and murdered him (I tried) and went to sit on my bed while I watched my father’s face burn. It felt great. If meddling god (number 2) really wanted to create the perfect reality, then why did my wish to punch Shido in the face not come to fruition? Checkmate.

After a while, the not-boyfriend got bored and wanted to help. I pushed him away and he “tripped” into the pile of burning newspaper. It is in quotation marks because he flailed around so much it gave me the vivid flashbacks of u/Panther’s acting skills.

And so all the stray pieces of paper landed on my bed, which set it on fire, and then my whole apartment started burning. Then, instead of apologizing or escaping the building like a normal human being, he started writing a Reddit post. I had to carry him out of the building. I think he has an addiction. you’re one to talk, murder boy. you made a post in the engine room lul I deleted that post. nothing is ever gone from the internet Erase it from your memory or I will do it for you. :x i see therapy isn’t working

This was a disastrous first not-date. My building is on fire. My revenge plan has once again been thwarted. The police are looking at us suspiciously because the not-boyfriend is taking selfies in front of the building.

Am I the Asshole for pushing my not-boyfriend into the lake following this chain of events? I am almost certain he is posting his own (incorrect) retelling of this incident at this moment while treading water. For some reason, I feel as if I have lost this competition even though I’m not the one drowning.