Chapter Text
He’d say that to be provocative – even if he was quickly learning it was useless, with how earnest Naruto was – but he couldn’t actually spend all his time at the blonde’s place. They would get sick of each other he was sure, Naruto would want to kick him out at one point or another. And it was absurd anyway. Sasuke had his own place to live, his own life to lead, his own objectives to work toward, and he couldn’t upend it all just because Naruto’s bedroom was the only place so far since the Night where he’d gotten some quality sleep, or any sleep at all.
That being said, practicality dictated that Sasuke brought some of his stuff over to Naruto’s, since even if he was only spending about half of his free time there, he couldn’t keep borrowing the other boy’s clothes. They didn’t fit him anyway, were in a deplorable state, and were all horrendous colors. It was only logical, really.
Sasuke made good use of his key mostly to bring things in while Naruto was out. It would have been too embarrassing to do it in front of the blonde, especially because Sasuke knew he would get that awed expression, he would smile hard enough to break his face, and Sasuke couldn’t handle that most of the time.
He was oddly touched that Naruto respected that. Sasuke came in one day with a small bag filled with clothes and found out one of the shelves had been cleared in the cupboard in Naruto’s bedroom, but the blonde didn’t mention anything.
The flat was a bit cramped for two. None of them ever made any mention of it. Sasuke’s house, with its many rooms and its big garden, was more of a prison that this tiny place would ever be. As time passed, he began to go there less and less, and the less he went, the less he wanted to go. The stillness and silence, which had been somewhat manageable before, he couldn’t stand them now compared to the liveliness of Naruto’s place. It’s not like there was anyone to call him out on it, to judge him.
No one cared, not about him, and he was starting to realize, not about Naruto either.
So he emptied his room, piece by piece and careful not to dwell too much on it.
“Always forward,” Naruto said.
It was absurd how much he liked to live in Naruto’s space, to bump into him at every turn, to hear him no matter where he was in the apartment. Even on the rare occasions when Sasuke was in and Naruto wasn’t, it was hard to feel alone with Naruto’s presence bleeding in every object, every wall, and with his small army of potted plants, of which the blonde took care with great skills and devotion. There was also the district, buzzing with activity around the building, which was soothing when he thought it would drive him nuts. Sasuke liked to sit on the small balcony, legs dangling between the bars, and watch the people go by, the trees rustle gently in the wind.
Alive and living. Stranger to his pain.
Their first real fight came about three weeks in. He would have bet on sooner.
“I told you I didn’t need your money!”
Sasuke threw his arm in the air, fed up with this whole discussion they were having for the millionth time, at least. He wasn’t always accompanying Naruto to do grocery shopping, but when he did it always ended up the same way. By them arguing about who would pay.
Sasuke didn’t get it. Naruto was tight on money, like, real tight. Even tighter now that Sasuke shared most of his dinners. Sasuke made a point to bring by as much food as he could from his own pantry or his own grocery shopping, but the baseline resources were still from Naruto’s own trips. Sasuke had the money, Naruto didn’t, and they shared anyway, so Sasuke really didn’t get how this was an issue every. Damn. Time.
“Just for this once would you just shut up and take it? I told you I wanted to pay!”
“And I told you I didn’t want you to!”
“Why? We live together!”
Naruto opened his mouth, but his voice stayed stuck inside his throat. His eyes were shining, welling up. Sasuke knew what was coming next.
It was their turn at the cash register and they had drawn enough attention as it was, even if they had kept a low tone, so Sasuke slapped a few bills on the counter and bagged their items as fast as he could while Naruto started sniffling in his sleeves. He always did, when he was overwhelmed, and he hated crying in front of people. And Sasuke hated when he cried and he hated also when he swallowed back tears because he didn’t want people to see.
The first time, he’d cry in front of one of his plants, dead despite all his cares, and he’d look so horrified that Sasuke had seen, that he would mock him or use it against him, and Sasuke had had to put into proper words how he didn’t care that Naruto was a crybaby and that it would stay between them. Seeing how cheerful Naruto was all the time, Sasuke would have never guessed Naruto was such a crier, but he supposed it was actually linked somehow.
After all, Naruto was pretty miserable, generally speaking.
He grabbed the blonde’s hand and expulsed the both of them from the shop and into the flat. Closing the door always allowed them both to breathe easier. The outside world was trying, but this was their sanctuary.
“Tell me what is wrong,” Sasuke said in his best stern voice, trying to emulate his mother. He could never lie to her like he could to his father. She gave him the urge to confess, every time.
Sasuke stared at Naruto hard, waiting for the other boy’s resolve to break and for him to start spilling. He would. He wasn’t good at keeping things inside.
True to himself, when he opened his mouth this time, there was no stopping the flow.
“I don’t want to owe you. I’ll be in your debt if you pay and then you’ll ask me to pay you back and I won’t be able to. Also I don’t want to change everything and get used to it ‘cause then you’ll be gone and I’ll have to go back. Also I don’t want you to stay ‘cause you think I need it, and I don’t want you to think I want you to stay ‘cause I need it. Also the old man always told me that it was bad that I couldn’t manage the money on my own and if I need yours too that means he was right and I’m too stupid to budget. Also I don’t get why you’d want to share ‘cause people are supposed not to want to spend their money ever so I find it weird and suspicious. And also you said… you said we live together but you never… You never said that. You’re… you’re like a guest. Guest don’t pay for stuff. And also…”
He frowned, thinking.
“I guess that’s all.”
Alright. That was a lot. Sasuke had blurted it out like a moron. “We live together”. Like it was that obvious, ha. He racked his brain for a proper answer, hating that they were now in for another talking session.
“…I didn’t say but I… I’m here all the time. We share the food, we share the chores. I don’t care about spending it, I have plenty, and it’s normal that I’d pitch in, alright? Even if I was just a guest, if I’m around that much, it’s just very rude not to help. I’m…”
Sasuke had never felt this before. This feeling that words had to be said, that there was no way around them. That they could heal or hurt, that they would be decisive to their entire future. He had to say it to Naruto. That he was staying. That he was indeed living here for all intent and purposes, even if he wanted to deny it, even if he refused to acknowledge it.
It was enough for him to know and not say it. But it wasn’t for Naruto. Naruto didn’t know.
If Sasuke didn’t tell, he never would.
He knew he was panicking. He couldn’t help but wrung his hands together, twisting his fingers painfully. He had thought about this over and over but he had been going in circles, without ever coming to a conclusion about anything. The simple fact that he craved this was layered by levels upon levels of objections, arguments, self-recrimination, pride and anger, trying to beat into him how this was not possible, this was not how things were supposed to be.
He should have been able to resist the temptation. He had things to do, objectives to reach, goals to accomplish, and this would not help.
But there was one thing that weighed in, in front of all that.
It wasn’t just for him.
Naruto looked happier, when Sasuke was around.
That was just a fact, and Naruto had spelled it out too. Sasuke didn’t get why it mattered so much, but it did. If he backed out now, if he put an end to this, he would be miserable for sure, but Naruto would be too. And that, for some reasons, was unacceptable.
He wouldn’t be the reason for Naruto’s pain. He wouldn’t.
“I… I…”
He could do this. It was just words.
“I…”
Oh no, he couldn’t. How could he chase after this? What was the point? To feel less alone? To be happy? It wasn’t possible and he had no right to it.
How could he be happy here, when all his family was gone?
Besides, he had no idea to know how long this would last. Would that be wrenched away too?
Would he come back to the flat one day to find Naruto soaked in his own blood, lifeless and eternally still, while above him towered a well-known silhouette that couldn’t be who he thought it was, and yet…
Sasuke’s breathe was punched out of him and that’s when the panic truly settled in.
“Sasuke? Sasuke!”
Nowhere was safe, not for Naruto and not for himself. Living alone had the undeniable advantage that there was no one left to lose, no one left to bring him that kind of pain when they inevitably died. He’d spare Naruto that pain too, if his brother ever decided to come back finish the job.
Now that the image has come, unbidden, to his mind, he couldn’t unsee it – blood, death, despair. His parents in the middle of the training room, the doors of which were still sealed and would likely remain so forever.
Sasuke had to get out of here. It was a terrible idea. The moment he settled in, the moment he felt like things could get better, like he could get through this, it would all be ripped away. He couldn’t risk it. He wouldn’t be able to handle it this time.
He wasn’t even handling it for the previous time anyway.
All the doctors and the nurses at the hospital and even the Hokage had told him he needed to talk about what had happened, that he needed to get help. There was no way he’d be able to do that. Talk about it? To say what? To walk them through the Night, explain it to them? He could barely comprehend it himself.
He needed to get out of here. It was his first instinct every time. Run away and hide alone, and maybe he’d finally disappear, maybe it would all stop.
Except there was something holding him back. Not something, someone. Arms around his shoulders, warmth, blonde hair in his face. A voice in his ears.
“Don’t run. Please, don’t run. It’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fine. Calm down okay? It’s fine. It doesn’t matter, forget about it. Forget about it. It’s gonna be fine.”
But it wasn’t. It wasn’t fine, nothing was, and Naruto wasn’t either and Sasuke knew this, and Naruto wouldn’t handle Sasuke’s disappearance any better than Sasuke would his, Naruto was a liar because he smiled all the time and he was always sad and it was all so unfair. Why did it have to be so hard. What had they done, the both of them, to deserve this.
“It’s fine Sasuke. It doesn’t matter, if you don’t want to.”
“But I do.”
The raspy, broken voice that tore itself out of Sasuke’s throat startled the both of them. Naruto drew back a little, enough to settle on his knees in front of Sasuke, who had slid down to the cold floor, his legs giving out under him.
“I do want to,” he said again. “I don’t… want to… want to. But I do.”
Naruto nodded seriously like this made any sense at all.
“I’m just…”
He could say it. He had come this far, what was one more confession?
“I’m scared,” he said in a breathless exhale. He half expected the world to come crashing around him from the sheer magnitude of that revelation. He couldn’t believe he had managed to say it out loud.
Naruto didn’t ask “scared of what?”. Maybe he could sense there was no way Sasuke would be able to articulate it. Instead he nodded again, receiving the words, taking them in.
“It’s alright. Whatever it is that scares you, I’ll protect you from it.”
And Sasuke should have laughed. Really, he should have mocked him, tell him he was wrong, that he couldn’t, because what was the dead last going to do against his brother, against grief, against death itself?
Sasuke didn’t laugh though. Naruto was solemn, not joking in the slightest.
“You don’t have to be scared,” Naruto insisted. “You don’t have to be sad or unhappy either.”
And he wasn’t saying that he didn’t have any reason to. He was saying that it wasn’t his fate. That he could wish for something else.
That he could even get it.
Sasuke had felt miserable staying away from Naruto’s place after the whole laundry debacle. There was a lot of things that made him feel miserable and most of them he had no control over. But some of them, he did. He didn’t have to suffer that much. Not if he knew there was something he could do about it.
He would just have to make sure he could protect it this time. No one would take it from him.
“Don’t be stupid. I’ll protect you.”
.
Sasuke’s breathing was getting back under control, so Naruto’s was too. He’d made a tremendous effort not to panic as well, because he’d figured one of them had to stay calm if they were going to get through this.
The surprise had helped. He had been too busy being shocked to give in to his own panic when he’d seen the colors leave Sasuke’s face as he crumpled to the ground. He didn’t know if he had helped at all, he’d just done the first thing that came to his mind – hugging and reassuring. Sasuke hadn’t complained so he guessed it was alright.
He would have to remember that for next time, although he dearly hoped he would never see Sasuke in that state again.
Maybe he would though. Because Sasuke was staying.
Naruto couldn’t not smile at that.
“Alright,” he said, getting back to his feet, eager to lift that dreadful mood. “Let’s eat.”
.
“We’re going to need rules,” Sasuke declared once they had made quick work of two cups of instant noodles. He had to admit, it wasn’t nearly as bad as he had expected, even if compared to Ichiraku, it was vastly disappointing. But they were too tired to get into making proper dinner. Sasuke felt drained by the day’s events even if hadn’t done much of anything. He never used to be so exhausted Before. Feelings were a nightmare.
“Rules?” Naruto asked around a mouthful of moshi. Sasuke thought he was trying to break the record of how many moshi someone could stuff into their mouth, but no, apparently he always ate them like that.
“Yes, rules, if we’re going to do… this” – Sasuke couldn’t put words on it, it was too scary and irrelevant anyway – “we need to establish rules.”
“Like what?”
“Well first of all, please don’t talk with your mouth full,” Sasuke said with a disgusted face.
Naruto had the good taste to look apologetic as he chewed on the remaining moshi –he had gone through the entire box in one go.
“Right. Okay. Rules. Rules are fine.”
He seemed wholly unconvinced.
“It’s just… to establish boundaries. Sharing a space can be challenging and putting up rules beforehand can help us avoid certain issues.”
“Can you not talking all fancy be a rule?”
Sasuke huffed, offended.
“No!”
“But I didn’t get that!”
“That’s because you’re stupid!”
Sasuke saw Naruto’s expression crumble and oh. Oh, he’d never noticed that. Well he’d never paid attention to it, never cared. But the hurt was there, plain as day, as Naruto frowned and pinched his lips.
“I want a rule that says you don’t say I’m stupid,” he mumbled. Sasuke swallowed a harsh answer. He had to put in an effort too. They both had. They weren’t dumb kids anymore, they had to take care of themselves because no one else would, and so they had to be mature about it.
“Okay. I’m sorry about that.”
The look on Naruto’s face was priceless and a little rewarding. He got his cheers back immediately, and Sasuke decided that yes, that was a good rule.
“Okay, what else?” Naruto asked, excited. Sasuke was starting to be too. This whole thing felt like an adventure, like the hours spent planning a game before actually getting to play it. Oftentimes they didn’t because the rules took too long, but Sasuke didn’t care because it was his favorite part anyway.
He pushed far down the reminder that none of his playmates growing up would ever play with him again. He’d never had many friends outside the clan.
“Do you have something to write on? We should take notes.”
“I swear I knew you were going to say that,” Naruto said with a laugh. He ran to the bedroom and came back with ink, a brush, and a blank scroll. It should have been a little weird how they managed to change mood so fast, how they could shake away the sorrow to go back to easier feelings. Sasuke supposed that’s what happened when you weren't alone with your thoughts, when you had someone to get you out of your own head.
“Alright let’s do this,” Sasuke said determinedly as he wrote “R U L E S” in careful strokes at the beginning of the paper. Naruto looked impressed, Sasuke noticed smugly. He was quite proud of his calligraphy.
“No saying I’m stupid, or dumb, or an idiot, or a burden, or an incompetent fool, or that I’m never going to amount to anything, or never going to learn the simplest stuff, or that I’m a waste of time and space,” Naruto said in a rush, eyeing the paper like he wanted to make sure Sasuke put all of that in. Sasuke was about to protest – he had never said half of those things and would never dream of it. They had their issues but he wasn’t that mean. Expect looking at Naruto’s serious face he could tell he wasn’t talking hypothetical in the slightest.
“I’ll put “no being mean or insulting,” is that okay with you?”
“Okay! And it goes both ways. I'll never say those stuff to you either."
He seemed to find basic decency to be a huge fit and it stirred the anger in Sasuke’s chest for some reasons. These days he didn’t notice much because he was basically angry at everything, but still. This was new.
“Also… no mocking because I don’t know stuff or… or because I… talk to the plants,” Naruto said with a faint blush. So much had happened in a short time, Sasuke had forgotten about that.
“No mocking,” he summarized. “Next up. No talking about my family.”
He focused on his strokes not to meet Naruto’s eyes. Naruto hummed but after a thoughtful pause, he said, “promise. Not as long as you don’t want to.”
Sasuke snorted – he would never want to ever.
“And we take turn to do the dishes.”
“Alright. But let’s do laundry together ‘kay? And shopping too. It’s boring otherwise.”
“Fine. But we only eat instant ramen once a week.”
“What? Why?”
“Because it sucks that’s why!”
“Hey! No saying ramen sucks!”
“Yes saying because it does!”
Naruto took a breath to answer, but instead he let out a wet snort. He tried to keep it in, only for more to follow, until he broke down laughing.
To his complete and utter shock, Sasuke followed.
He had to put the brush down so that he wouldn’t spread ink everywhere as he doubled up laughing. Every time they tried to calm down their eyes would meet and they’d dissolved back into giggling at their stupid faces.
Sasuke didn’t remember the last time he’d actually laugh like that. His cheek hurts and his eyes watered. It felt incredible.
“Okay, twice a week,” Naruto managed to say after several minutes. “But if we go to Ichiraku then no instant ramen for the whole week.”
“Deal,” Sasuke snickered, and made a show of writing it all down.
“Speaking of which. No arguing every time I want to pay for things. We share the cost. Fine by you?”
Naruto pondered it for a while instead of protesting immediately, which was a huge improvement.
“Fine,” he said eventually. “But no buying something for me if I say no.”
Sasuke could already think of ways of bending that one on the base of “I bought too much for myself” and the like, but he dutifully wrote it down.
They got a couple more rules in regarding chores, even if they were both pretty hazy on how and how frequently they were supposed to do certain things. They decided they’d figure it out on the spot – and add as many rules as needed.
“Another thing,” Naruto said as Sasuke was writing down the bit about taking out the trash. “It would be nice if you said beforehand. If you’re going to stay, or leave, if you’re eating here or not. Just so… just so I know.”
Sasuke remembered all too well the bitter disappointment of rushing home to see his brother, only to find out he was gone, not to return until hours later, if at all. His father and brother would always say “I don’t know”, if Sasuke asked whether they would be here for dinner or not. It drove his mother crazy too. And no matter how often it was, he still hoped, and was still sad, every time.
“Okay,” he said solemnly.
They had planned to hang the Rules somewhere, but there were too many of them, so they just rolled the scroll carefully and propped it on the shelf next to the front door, after they had both put on their signature. It felt official like this, settled and real in a way that meant it wouldn’t crumble suddenly in front of their eyes. They had even work the “must talk about things” rule in. This wouldn’t just disappear overnight. It was real.
The futon was still out. Sasuke unrolled it in what he was already thinking as his corner of the bedroom, and he wanted to mock Naruto for his stupid smile that wouldn’t leave his face, but they had said no mocking, and he was smiling too. A little, barely there smile, but a smile nonetheless.
“G’night Sasuke,” Naruto mumbled into his pillow. “’m glad you’re here.”
Sasuke envied Naruto for being able to say such things so easily. To know about his feelings and just speak them out.
Maybe he could learn. If only so that he could give the same reassurance, the same warmth to Naruto that the one his words spread inside him. Determined to start working on it right now, he took a deep breath.
“Me too,” he whispered back.
Naruto was already asleep. Sasuke snorted but promptly followed. It was okay. He would find the courage to say it again.